Anyone Familiar With Love and Logic?

[jcsmilez]

I'm so exhausted dealing with my 12 y.o. foster daughter. I've been trying to do love & logic with her but I don't know if its working and she's just getting more and more ornery. I was told she was a difficult child going in, but haven't seen much beyond typical teen behavior. Nevertheless, this is my first teen and I've only had her three months, I'm struggling to stay afloat. Anyone who knows love & logic, or has experience with difficult teens, or oppositional children in general with words of wisdom to share? Thanks in advance.

 

[minirottie]

I'm familiar with it..I read the book (and can't find it now!) and when I purchased it, I got a CD with it called "Trouble Free Teens". Do you happen to have that?I have a difficult 13 year old stepson who lives with us...would be happy to chat with you about your experience and mine. It's a tough age in general and with her being a foster child, she's got some extra baggage that comes along. My DSS has some as well because of his mother.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

When love comes in the door, all logic goes out the window.

 

[colegrovet]

hormones start going wacky at about 13...
at 13.... you become the idiot that lives with her, rather than a parent.
my daughter was like that till about 16...

 

[Jillmami]

Have you looked on facebook at the love and logic group page? There are always people asking questions and getting LOTS of responses. PLUS you might get some people who reply that also have teens/similar situations that you can buddy up with for guidance. I use L&L but my twins are only 4. I haven't hit the extremely defiant teenage years yet. LOTS and LOTS of empathy obviously. I think the foster component probably adds a HUGE new wrinkle to the normal puberty/teen issues. Good luck and if you want to run something by me please feel free to email me. (Or if you need to vent! )

Good luck!!!

 

[Teresa Lynn]

Bless you for opening your home and heart to her.
We were fortunate our kids were really good and we didn't really need/do discipline or have issues (& I'm proud to say they are young adults with good moral compasses)
We did do a series once in Sunday school by Dr Kevin Leeman one book was a video series too it was how to make your kids mind without losing yours.
He had a sense of humor, so it was interesting.
Good Luck!!

 

[jcsmilez]

Thanks for responses, it's comforting to get some feedback even if it's hey sorry, don't know, hang in there - at least then I don't feel totally alone. Today has been especially tough.

I got a CD with it called "Trouble Free Teens". Do you happen to have that?

Don't have that CD, may certainly take you up on a chat!

Have you looked on facebook at the love and logic group page?

I did search facebook with out luck in finding actual question/answer advice, I'll look again. I guess I'm so spoiled with our community here on Chefsuccess, I find myself longing for similar communities in the other things I'm involved in and end up finding myself surprised and disappointed.

Thanks again.

 

[scottcooks]

I work with teens all day and come home to my adopted 6yo girl, 7yo boy each afternoon. Love and logic is just going to seem 'mean' or 'unjust' to her if she is not used to it. Just talk with other adults regularly and talk through what you're experiencing.There are many things which I used to be able to do as a teacher - very love & logic related - which are not longer acceptable in the litigious self-esteem-is-king environment of today. I do however, tease my 8th graders who ask "can I go to the bathroom" instead of asking "may I".Some ideal pieces in the chess game that is adolescence:
-a texting cell phone that you pay for (and have turned on and off appropriately)
-a door on her room (that you remove briefly, even for one night to make a point)
-TV and internet and any "screen time" are privileges, not rights. In our house we made laminated cards they pay for 10-minutes at a time, to a limit of 2 hours a week, only allowed 2 at one time and 3 in one day.
-possible allowance which you can adjust according to chores done, etc.Most teens want an adult who gives good structure and who is a good listener. Be sure she is getting the time with her dad that she needs. Particularly at puberty, a girl being treated well by a dad figure is modeling for future relationships.My years of teaching tell me - It is better to start very firm, then "lighten up" than to get more harsh.Finally: Stay The Course! Every time you change, it gives her more power. The best words from love & logic... In our house, when you X then you may get Y. X - empty dishwasher Y - eat with clean dishes
X - clear the table Y - have phone time with friends
X - empty garbage Y - join in family TV time
X - please, thank you, you're welcome, excuse me, no-after you. Y - complimented and same back
X - fully dressed including shoes and socks Y - eat meals as a family
X - help cook meals Y - select what is servedThe little bit of truth I see from Kitchen Guy's comment - hug her; be sure she feels loved. Look her in they eye and tell her you love her you are happy she is yours forever & always. Remind her life isn't fair, but to risk loving anyway....just some thoughts. Make sure she knows she is loved, and you would not expect much from her if you didn't love her and want the very best for her and expect her very best in life.

 

[crystalscookingnow]

Scott - great points. Made me tear up to know that there are some parents out there that actually love their children enough for all of this. Your line about a girl being treated well by a dad figure is modeling for future relationships... That is so completely true. I didn't have that and well, it's amazing that I'm where I am today. Really, everyone that knows me but doesn't know my story and then finds out... well, they are just amazed. I found it on my own. To have had someone guiding me... I wonder how much better off I would have been.Not that this has anything to do with the original post, really. Just love her and follow Scotts words of wisdom.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Reading Tristen's original post, I get the idea that as a foster child - this girl has probably been in and out of the system for much of her life, and that quite possibly, Tristen and her husband are just one more stop in the system, so she probably doesn't have any faith, or any reality really in the fact that they will love her forever, and accept her no matter what. For her, it's probably just one more stop, and eventually she'll be moving again. I don't have any answers for that - but I do know that it breaks my heart. All of her acting out I'm sure is just a defense mechanism to protect herself from more hurt and disappoinment, and to be the one who hurts first. If there are no absolutes or guarantees of "forever", then she will probably continue to lash out.I would think that more than Love & Logic, you might want to get connected with a group that specifically deals with teens in the foster care system. They have special needs and hurts - and a continued sense of abandonment - that needs to be addressed.

 

[MLinAZ]

I work for a foster care agency and work with our therapeutic homes. I also just took in an 18 yo who grew up in the system.

What behaviors are you seeing? Maybe with more info i can help you - but not specific to L&L.

 

[jcsmilez]

Scott, Thank you, yes, we are implementing some of those L&L ideas, sometimes with success, sometimes without. We've only had her for a little more than three months but I do love her, with all my heart and I remind her of that often, though, we are her fifth foster home and I'm not sure how much of that she believes quite yet. It's not our choice but we will keep her as long as God (and the system) allows. How I long for the day when I can "hug her... Look her in the eye and tell her you love her you are happy she is yours forever & always."Yes Becky, I think you are right on it, I'm just struggling to figure out how to deal with the behaviors and love her through them. sigh. I'd love to find more resources and/or a group dealing with teens in the system but have surprisingly found little out there. I'm thinking that my next steps are going to be to research and write my own book for others out there.

 

[jcsmilez]

Michelle - She has just become increasingly oppositional (and selectively so). Sometimes she will do chores or whatever without a problem, other times when she decides she doesn't want to do something she says "No! I'm not gonna, and you can't do anything about it!" When something gets taken away or she's told she's not allowed to do something as a consequence, she will attempt to do it anyway, threatening, punching and hitting her way through. I've done the L&L energy drain with some success but am still feeling so lost. Thanks for any suggestions/advice.