Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[chefann]

You encounter that much in your travels, KG?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Nah, I don't call roon sirbees too often. But I have had housekeepers who don't understand "I need about 20 minutes."

 

[baychef]

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him
about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up
enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.

Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence: "Get
well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

 

[baychef]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

 

[chefann]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquired the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

School is open - drive over signs carefully.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Washington Post Mensa InvitationalHere are the results of the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

These were the 2006 winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which serves to
render the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit ( n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

[chefann]

Those are great! I'm going to have to share those at work.And with my Mensa-member friend, who's also in the Grammar Police.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Well then, while we're at it...The Washington Post also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 

[raebates]

Do they have a word for when you laugh so hard you wet your pants?Thanks for sharing, KG. I'll be using many of these in the weeks to come.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

1967 vs. 2007This is only for the rest of you who can relate to it. The rest of you young whippersnappers can just go take a long walk off a short pier. 1967: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair 1967: KEG
2007: EKG 1967: Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux 1967: Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 1967: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1967: Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage 1967: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM 1967: Going to a new, hip joint
2007: Receiving a new hip joint 1967: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones 1967: Being called into the principal's office
2007: Calling the principal's office 1967: Disco
2007: Costco 1967: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1967: Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test 1967: Whatever
2007: DependsThat doesn't make you feel too old today? Well, this will certainly change things..The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1989.They are too young to remember Challenger blowing up on liftoff. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD has always been a part of life and they have no idea what an album is. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?" "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane, Boss, de plane" They do not know who shot J. R., have no idea who J.R. was, nor do they give a rip. Fast food never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.The future of America? Boy, are we in trouble.

 

[chefann]

Those HS seniors also never lived in a world without The Simpsons.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

DOH!!!razzlbrzzit minimums

 

[chefann]

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

 

[chefann]

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement, and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out, easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

 

[chefann]

A coworker just sent this out. I apologize in advance if it offends anyone - it's a parody of the creation story.

A DIFFERENT VIEW OF CREATION!!!

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

 

[chefann]

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted, "LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

 

[chefann]

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.

He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small "Mom and Pop" grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do, Sonny. How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"

 

[chefann]

A Rich Man's Will

A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family.

"To my loving wife, Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1million."

The lawyer concluded, "And to my cousin, Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you are wrong. Hi, Dan!"

 

[chefann]

Subject: JOB DESCRIPTION
Position: PARENT

Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some over- night travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES
Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing.

Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.

Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.

Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life.

Must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above mentioned skills in conflict resolution.

Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything."

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Other responsibilities include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right.

 

[chefann]

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

That's my kind of doctor.

 

[reba515]

SUMMARY OF THE PAST YEAR ON MY COMPUTER
>
>I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue
>on envelopes because I now use a wet towel with every envelope that needs
>sealing.
>
>Also, now I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no
>longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who
>is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
>I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
>$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
>in their special e-mail program.
>
>I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
>for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
>I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
>freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
>I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
>buffalo on a hot day.
>
>I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to
>seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>
>I no longer drink Coca Cola because I've learned that it can remove toilet
>stains.
>
>I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a
>serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
>I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
>products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
>on their cans.
>
>I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.I now
>know that I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will
>blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
>
>I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I coul d be pricked
>with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
>I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
>perfume sample and rob me.
>
>I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
>Qaeda in disguise.
>
>I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
>American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
>I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
>for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
>and Uzbekistan.
>
>I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
>free replacement pair from Nike.
>
>I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
>recipe.
>
>Thanks to my many internet friends, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
>because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
>instant death when it bites my butt.
>
>And thanks to the great advice, I will never pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
>parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
>underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
>If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
>minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
>afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
>to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
>to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
>cousin's beautician...
>
>Have a wonderful day....
>
>PS: A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
>discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read
>their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>
>Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Homer's Beer SongDo, the stuff that buys my beer,
Re, the guy who sells me beer.
Me, the guy who drinks my beer
Fa, a long long way for beer!
So, I'll have another beer
La, I'll have another beer
Te, No thanks! I'm drinking beer!
And that brings us back to
DOH!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Red Skelton?Someone sent me this list of marital one-liners with the claim they were written by Red Skelton. I don't really believe it, because I think most of them are Henny Youngman's. Still, they're hilarious! Enjoy!

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"

(I know #5 is Youngman's, it's part of an entire routine. "My wife has a black belt in shopping. She won't buy anything unless it's marked down. Last week, she came home with an escalator. I always hold her hand in public. If I don't, she shops.")

 

[raebates]

Those sound much more like Henny Youngman than Red Skelton. They're still funny, though, no matter who wrote them. Of course, none of them apply to me.

 

[chefann]

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.

 

[raebates]

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were sentenced to death by firing squad. They had the redhead just outside the corral, before the firing squad, when she yelled, "Stampede!" The firing squad scattered, and she was able to escape.The brunette was next. She yelled, "Tornado!" Once again, the firing squad scattered, and she was able to escape.The blond had observed this and formulated her plan. When it was her turn, she yelled, "Fire!"As Dolly Parton says, "I don't mind dumb blond jokes. I know I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blond."

 

[chefann]

If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"

 

[chefheidi2003]

Why it's important to understand English.....

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the
Currency Exchange window at the local bank.

It was a short line. Just one lady in front of me - an Asian lady who was trying to exchange
yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . ..

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo
yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too".

 

[chefann]

=: A Technological Innovation :=

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named 'BOOK'. BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk. Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology [OPT] allows manufactures to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on with little damage. However, it can become unusable if immersed in water for a significant period of time.

The browse feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish. Many even come with an 'index' feature, which pinpoints the exact location of selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional 'BOOKmark' accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store many views at once. The number is only limited to the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus [PENCILS].

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking.

Look for a flood of new titles soon.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I'll have to read up on that.

 

[chefann]

<giggle>Feel free to share that one with the Kat Lady.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I did - I suspect it will be posted at the library on Monday.

 

[chefann]

http://icanhascheezburger.wordpress.com/files/2007/10/128344433708281250idkmybffjil.jpg

Only in my case, it's even worse: IDK, my BFF KG?

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Tvm Ur 2 Kewl

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Posted by popular demand...A couple had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.

They were sitting at the breakfast table the day after when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"That's no surprise," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

 

[chefann]

Had you not posted that, KG, I would have. And then I would have called you names for being too chicken to post.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

 

[raebates]

I am so glad I wasn't taking a drink of my soda as I read that. Hysterical!

 

[chefann]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

[chefann]

** Things you'd like to write on a student's report card **

1. Since my last report, the student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. This student has delusions of adequacy.
4. The student sets low personal standards and then occasionally fails to achieve them.
5. Student has been working with glue too much.
6. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.
7. Student has a photogenic memory but the lens cover is glued on.
8. The 'Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.'
9. If you give the student a penny for his/her thoughts, you would get change.
10. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

 

[chefann]

QUICK CHECK--ALZHEIMERS
THIS IS HARD TO DO
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the Harvard University School of Medicine, Department of Psychiatry. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is person cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you can't resist passing it on!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

You're cruel.I'm still reading.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Adam is lounging around Eden one day but he's feeling kinda lonesome. He calls out, "God, you're provided almost everything for me here, but it's kinda lonesome. Can you help me out, here?"God replies, "Sure, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to create a companion for you. She'll be your companion. She'll cook and clean for you, and take care of your every whim. I will call her, 'Woman.' What do you think?""Well, that sounds pretty good," Adam says, "But what is this going to cost me?""She'll cost you an arm and a leg," God replies."That's pretty steep," Adam says. "What can I get for a rib?"--------------------
Okay, okay, okay, fair is fair. Read on before you start with the hate mail.
--------------------Why are men like wine?Well, they start out like grapes. You have to stomp them down and mash them flat, then keep them in the dark for years until they mature into something you'd like to take to dinner.

 

[katie0128]

I have had the second one glued (not just taped or papercliped, but GLUED) into the front cover of my day planner for years!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Well, then, in that case...Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.Q: Why does a bride wear white?
A: The dishwasher should match the rest of the appliances.

 

[katie0128]

Even small feet can stomp fairly hard!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A drag queen happens to stumble into a Catholic church just as the priest is walking up the aisle with the incense pot."Oh, Honey!" the drag queen says, "I LOVE your dress but do you know your purse is on fire?"

 

[chefann]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down
for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" inquired Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"