Is it okay for my dad to bring a date to my cousin's wedding?

[itsjustCarla]

I lost my mom 5 years ago and I just found out tonight that my dad is taking a date to my cousin's wedding this weekend. I think I'm going to be sick........

I'm not angry and I surely don't want my dad to be alone, but I'm not handling this well.

I'm glad he told me tonight, that way I can be more accepting of it so it doesn't ruin the wedding for me and I guess I should look on the bright side and be happy he's not dating my MIL. :yuck:

 

[rennea]

This is hard but keep an open mind and be patient and understanding. Hopefully she's really wonderful and will be somebody special for your Dad. Love doesn't die Carla and your Dad will always love your Mom and nobody will ever replace her.

When my Uncle passed my Aunt found somebody and most of my family has never gotten over it. It was hard but I couldn't imagine her being alone, and her new husband is really lovely. Keep communication open with your Dad, this is new for him to.

 

[rennea]

I should add that your not a horrible daughter and your feelings are completely normal!

 

[vwpamperedchef]

Hugs Carla...you are not a horrible daughter. I am sure your mom would have wanted your father to be happy. Hopefully you can be OK with his decision and sounds like he wants you to be accepting of it which is why he told you.

Lift your worries up! Praying for you for strength.

 

[janetupnorth]

You're not horrible. I think I would DIE if my mom started dating someone. But then again, you have to know my mom...Remember it is a lot easier for women to lose their spouse and live alone then men. Men (generally speaking) tend to get remarried and tend to need that. You'll just have to trust your dad and hope he picks a "step-mom" for you that is good. Remember, she isn't there to REPLACE your mom for you. Your dad is in another season of life. She is there to make him happy.

 

[Teresa Lynn]

and it's 5 years, not 5 days or 5 weeks or 5 months. not that the pain lessens any but it has been a respectable amount of time he's not seeing her after a recent loss.tomorrow will be 4 years that I lost my dad, (adding to my sadness tomorrow both of ours boys move to college the middle one over 4 hours away) I totally understand how you feel, my mom has a friend she plays cards with and they run errands together they are both in their 80's and at 6 AM and at 10 PM they call to check on each other. Last Oct. she had thyroid surgery and her sister had stayed for 5 days with her, the next morning when he called she picked up the phone but couldn't speak he drove to her house 5 miles away, rushed her to a hospital another 18 miles he called ahead to have an ambulance waiting (there was road construction & he was thinking clearly and trying to minimize her wait without medical treatment knowing it would add to the delay) so he met them in a parking lot so they could get her to the next nearest town. She had a stroke and if it hadn't been for their daily check ins the dr said she might not have made it or recovered as well as she did. (she usually talks to her other friends around 10 am). thanks to their friendship she was here to celebrate our son's graduation in June.
I hope the wedding is joyous for you, and even if you can't express it with words maybe a gentle squeeze of her hand or a quick hug will make you both more at ease. she probably feels awkward too.hugs and prayers

 

[Kathy's_Kitchen]

My FIL started dating less than a year after my MIL died. He married her less than a year after that....we all want him to be happy and are glad he found someone but it seemed so sudden...and she is a goofy woman :yuck: . My DH and none of his siblings and spouses like her much but we put up with her for dad's sake. It's now over eight and a half years later and it's still hard but just part of life....hang in there.

 

[pampered.chris]

You are not a horrible daughter!!! This is a tough situation to be in. That is your dad, you only ever thought of him as with your mother or mourning for her. This is an adjustment period that you will have to go through.
Did he tell you he was seeing anyone prior to telling you about bringing a date? I would have a harder time with it if I didn't know he was even "dating" and then he said, oh yeah, btw, I am bringing a date. I think I would have a tough time with it too.
It will be okay though. Just be happy for his happiness...or pretend to be.

 

[Ann F]

My mother has always spoken highly of her step-mother. The step-mother (who I always called Grandmother) told the daughters that she couldn't possibly and wouldn't even try to replace their mother. She and Granddad were married 40+ years before he passed away. We just lost her in May at age 96.

BTW--she was just 12 years older than my mother (!), 6 years older than my aunt, and 18 years younger than Granddad. Mother always said "Lorraine is the best grandmother you girls could ever have!" (That doesn't look quite right when you type it out...guess you'd have to hear Mother say it!)

HOWEVER, that being said, I'm sure it would be quite strange to have to handle the idea of your dad dating. My best wishes to you--and hugs!

 

[Addie4TLC]

Give her a chance... My mom and dad divorced shortly before I got married, he married someone else almost immediately after. I had a very difficult time with it and wouldn't visit to avoid her, when I would visit I was very protective of my kids and even when she offered to take them while I was helping my dad with something I said "no, that's okay." This was from 1995 to 2001. My dad passed away in May of 2001. It was sudden, he had come out of prostate surgery but developed blood clots in his legs and lungs. In the days before at the hospital we talked about so many things, his wife was there and we all laughed together. I remember thinking things would be different and I would visit and spend time with both of them. I saw he was happy with her and she was humble enough to put up with his strong personality. He died a couple of days later. So please don't make the same mistake I made, give her a chance and spend time with them because time is precious when it comes to our parents and loved ones.

 

[pcchefjane]

I can't imagine that because my Dad died 26 years ago after being married to my Mom for over 47 years. My Mom always told us if she ever told us she was wanting to date someone, to put her in a loony bin because she had lost her mind. One man at their church tried to pursue her...had known her and Dad both for 30+ years at the time and had never married. She firmly told him she had no interest... As several have said, it is different for men. They have a hard time being alone, especially if they had a wonderful marriage. They miss the companionship.

 

[itsjustCarla]

Thank you all for your kind words....they mean a lot, believe me - more than you know.

My mom and dad had their 40th anniversary while my mom was in the hospital. He has never been alone - he went right from my grandparent's house, to the army, then married my mom. He always eats out for dinner and this new person is a waitress at his favorite restaurant. I have no idea if he's been "dating" her or not. I just was surprised, because if I hadn't asked if he wanted to ride with us to the wedding, he may not have even told me. I called my brother (dad was visiting him the day before) and dad hadn't told him either. My aunt (mom's sister) appears to be thrilled.

My husband thinks its "no big deal". He evidentally didn't have a problem with his mom dating someone after my FIL died.

I never imagined this to be so hard. The term "step-mom" makes me cringe.

 

[TinaOuellette]

As I see it, you don't have to like her as long as your Dad is happy. I guess. But I would probably feel the same as you do, cause I couldn't imagine my parents being with anybody else.

I really don't want to think about it!

 

[chefann]

I never imagined this to be so hard. The term "step-mom" makes me cringe.

At this stage in your life, even if they do get married, she's not going to be your stepmom. I consider that term to be for spouses who are somehow involved in raising children from a prior marriage.

Someone once told me that a widow/widower wanting to find a serious companion or remarry was actually a compliment to the deceased. They made marriage such a pleasurable experience that the surviving partner wishes to continue it.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

At this stage in your life, even if they do get married, she's not going to be your stepmom. I consider that term to be for spouses who are somehow involved in raising children from a prior marriage.
Someone once told me that a widow/widower wanting to find a serious companion or remarry was actually a compliment to the deceased. They made marriage such a pleasurable experience that the surviving partner wishes to continue it.

HEY! That was my post....only you posted it first!

My parents divorced when I was in my early 20's. My dad remarried - I just consider her my dad's wife...she is in not my step-mom. I have a mom. I think that term should be used for someone who is raising children.

 

[Bren706]

I agree Ann and Becky. My parents divorced when I was 18, and both remarried within a year or two. My father's wife was a coworker of mine at a local restaurant. Besides the fact that I was grown up (and that I had a mom already) she is only 11 years older than I am. I have always called her "my father's wife".

 

[buckeyefan08]

My parents got divorced when I was two. My dad remarried shortly after the divorce. My step mom died when I was five. Eight years went by, my dad was lonely and depressed. He finally started dating again... it was my mom! I was not happy, I didn't want them to get back together, what if they broke up? Then what? Now ten years later they are still together. (I told them if the get remarried their grandchildren could be in the wedding!)
I guess what I'm saying is love is found in unexpected places. If your dad met her at the resturant he eats at all the time they probably already know eachother pretty well. They were most likely friends first. I know my husband is my best friend. Maybe he's not looking for love, maybe they are friends. Don't get upset yet, there may be nothing to get upset about.
Either way good luck.

 

[peichef]

I think it's probably pretty normal to feel uncomfortable as your dad start "dating" again. You've only ever seen him with you mom. THAT is your "normal". You are not a horrible daughter. And it's okay for you to like her - it's no betrayal of your mom.
You'll get used to all of this in time. It's a change & change can be difficult. Cut yourself some slack. Lots of us would feel uncomfortable upon learning for the first time that one of our parents was "dating" again.

 

[Flamingo]

Someone once told me that a widow/widower wanting to find a serious companion or remarry was actually a compliment to the deceased. They made marriage such a pleasurable experience that the surviving partner wishes to continue it.

Oh my gosh Ann this is so beautiful... I never thought of it that way.:blushing:

 

[dianevill]

Carla,

You are not a horrible daughter whatsoever! Please, though, give this woman (and perhaps others that may follow) a chance. My father passed away suddenly when I was 22. My mom met her now husband a year and a half later. Had we not accepted my mom's decision to start dating, we would have missed out on a wonderful relationship all three of us daughters have with our step-dad. He will never replace our dad, but he's a wonderful man who has made my mother very happy. He does his best to be a good person to us, too, and he's the only grandfather my kids know (and love!)

I'm not saying your dad is ready to get married again, but try to be happy for him. He's trying to live his life - your mom will always be a part of him, but I think it's unfair to expect him to live his life alone. You never know what new friends you'll meet, too!

 

[Addie4TLC]

Carla,

You are not a horrible daughter whatsoever! Please, though, give this woman (and perhaps others that may follow) a chance. My father passed away suddenly when I was 22. My mom met her now husband a year and a half later. Had we not accepted my mom's decision to start dating, we would have missed out on a wonderful relationship all three of us daughters have with our step-dad. He will never replace our dad, but he's a wonderful man who has made my mother very happy. He does his best to be a good person to us, too, and he's the only grandfather my kids know (and love!)

I'm not saying your dad is ready to get married again, but try to be happy for him. He's trying to live his life - your mom will always be a part of him, but I think it's unfair to expect him to live his life alone. You never know what new friends you'll meet, too!

Very well said. Sometimes we deprive ourselves of what can very well be a good thing if we give it a chance. You also don't want to add stress to your dad because he has a need that his kids are not happy with. It's tricky in the feelings department, you can't help feeling how you do but you have to think of everyone involved and how it will affect in the long run.

I never considered my father's wife my stepmother (oh no!) Intrestingly enough my mom avoided any contact with her, my dad respected that and didn't bring her to any family functions. When he passed away though, it was my mom who comforted her as she was completely inconsolably devastated. I was so proud of my mom and how she put everything aside to be a comfort to someone in pain. Your mom would want your dad to be happy and you do too bottom line.

Meeting her will be interesting, how will you react? It's something important to think about. She will pick up on your behavior and behave accordingly. If you keep it cordial and respectful you will get that in return (hopefully.) Hope it goes well.

 

[kathijenkins]

I guess for me, I see this from a different view. My parents divorced when I was 5...Dad had his "rebound" marriage (which thank God didn't last long!)...birth mother remarried too. She gave up custody of my brother & I...we saw her 4 times in the next 15 yrs.

Dad got divorced from the rebound...birth mother's husband divorced her when he found out their child wasn't his...she had cheated on every man she's EVER been with. She & I do not have a relationship...I have no use for her, after all this is the same woman that told me the night I graduated high school she wished I had never been born...nice, huh?

Fast forward to '94...I met my now DH, we married 18 mos later in '96...this whole time (from 81 until 97) my dad was single & raising 2 children on his own. I hoped & prayed he would find someone that would complete him. He married my MOM in '98...she isn't my step-mom, she's my mom...she has been there for almost every big moment in my life, the only thing she missed was my wedding & that was only because she hadn't met my dad yet.

I understand where you're coming from though. As much as I depise my birth mother...without her, there's no me. I wasn't thrilled when Dad brought Mom home...even told her I wouldn't call her mom. (A bit snotty for a 24 yo) She just let me get to know her, no pressure, no expectations & she's now not only Mom but my best friend. She'll never replace my birth mother, but she makes my dad VERY happy & that's ALL that matters to me. (Though secretly I wish she could replace birth mother)

Take the new lady in your dad's life one step at a time...it'll make it easier for all of you if there's no comparisons or expectations. Hope it goes well...keep us posted!

 

[pampered1224]

Yep you sure are! Only kidding! I have not had that type of thing happen to me personally so I have no idea how you feel but, I have a freind who spent 4 years hating the lady that married her father. My friend was 24 at the time and expecting her first child. You know how much fun and time she had sharing the birth of her child and her baby growing up with her father in that 4 years? NONE ZIP NADA NOTHING. Because she refused to get to know or accept the lady in his life. You know what I learned from that experience? It is not them you hurt by not getting to know the new person. Do you really want that? They'll have each other. You won't have either if you do not give it a chance. Horrible daughter - hardly. Scared, worried, PROTECTIVE of your father and of your mothers memory - YEP! But is that enough to ruin your life over? You like to cook. Make a point to invite her to one of your personal PC open houses. Get to know her in some way where you can control the situation if that works better for you. I mean, she is another human being. What's not to love about that? We are taught to "love one another right now". You know why? Because right now is all we have.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

My Step-son calls me his Spare-mom. He told me once that he didn't like the term Step-Mom because you don't step on your mom... so he said I think you are a spare mom- like a spare tire- I already have a mom, but when she can't be there for me, or makes me mad or sad, I can come to you and you'll be there for me- just like when you get a flat tire and need to use your spare.

He was 9 when he told me that, and it made me cry...in a good way.

I know it is hard to see- but love her with the love of Jesus regardless and it is only a date for now- he hasn't proposed to her. And if your father does get remarried...you have gained a potential friend, confidant and maybe even someone that can share some wonderful things with you! There is a wonderful silver lining in all of this! Your father will never forget your mother or ever lose his love for her---he is lonely and man should not be alone. Best of luck

 

[itsjustCarla]

Once again...thank you all for your kind words and support. In my heart I know that my dad wasn't trying to keep this info from me, he just wasn't sure how to bring it up. My mom's death was a HUGE shock to everyone and the healing process is neverending.

He told my aunt that he was happy.....and I could tell, because after he told me about her, he just started talking non-stop. My mom used to complain because my dad NEVER talked. And everyone agreed. He was the quietest man on the planet. He's gotten a lot better since mom passed, but he the other night, he just wouldn't STOP talking. He's so cute. LOL.

I'm not making any promises, but I am going to do my best to have a good time at this wedding even if it kills me. LOL. I used to love watching my mom and dad dance together...because they were never really outgoing like that, but when they danced.... I knew how much my parents loved each other. THAT will be the hardest thing to see, is if he dances with her.

 

[KellyTheChef]

Carla...I lost my mom only 2 years ago. My parents had been seperated for about 2 years before that, and my dad had a girlfriend through all of this...I knew "who" she was, but had never met her. Because of the guilt (rightfully so!!) my dad had about his girlfriend...since he and my mom were still legally married...I really never got to see him. I was lucky if during the last 10 years of my mom's life if I got to see my dad on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Once my mom died, it acutally "released" me from feeling guilt over wanting to spend time with my dad, even if it was with his girlfriend. I told him that any difficulties that I had with meeting her, that it was MY thing to deal with. But...that I did not want my kids to grow up without knowing their grandpa over this situation. Evan (who was about 1.5 at the time) LOVED her and enjoyed spending time with her. I gave her a chance, and it got to where I enjoyed spending time with her as well. Unfortunately, she moved away a few months ago to be closer to her daugher and granddaugter, so they aren't seeing each other anymore.

It's good that you sound like you are willing to give her a chance. Like so many others have said---no one will replace your mom. BUT- God can use this as a way to bring a blessing into your Dad's life, as well as yours. I pray that the Lord calms your mind and helps so you don't feel overwhelmed with grief at the wedding. Remember that your mom would want your dad to be happy!

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[itsjustCarla]

Again....thanks to all of you for your kind words. Here's my update:

When dad and his girlfriend walked into the church, he brought her over and introduced her to all of us. It was a bit overwhelming so I went back to help the bride get ready. We sat behind them in the church, so that wasn't as uncomfortable as it could have been.

THEN......at the reception....they both came and sat with us, the girlfriend sat next to me. We had a bit of small talk going on and it turns out we both worked for the same company in recent years.....we ended up talking A LOT the rest of the evening. She and I talked more than she and my dad did. LOL. I saw them get up to dance - they held hands to the dance floor - but I couldn't watch them dance. All-in-all it turned out to be a really good evening. It was nice to see my dad smile, laugh and joke again. It's been a long time. Seeing him in the "dating mode" was kinda funny. See...he dated my mom in high school and they were married for 40 years, so this is technically his first date in almost 50 years. He did pretty good, I have to say.

 

[vwpamperedchef]

Glad it turned out better then expected!

 

[rennea]

Again....thanks to all of you for your kind words. Here's my update:

When dad and his girlfriend walked into the church, he brought her over and introduced her to all of us. It was a bit overwhelming so I went back to help the bride get ready. We sat behind them in the church, so that wasn't as uncomfortable as it could have been.

THEN......at the reception....they both came and sat with us, the girlfriend sat next to me. We had a bit of small talk going on and it turns out we both worked for the same company in recent years.....we ended up talking A LOT the rest of the evening. She and I talked more than she and my dad did. LOL. I saw them get up to dance - they held hands to the dance floor - but I couldn't watch them dance. All-in-all it turned out to be a really good evening. It was nice to see my dad smile, laugh and joke again. It's been a long time. Seeing him in the "dating mode" was kinda funny. See...he dated my mom in high school and they were married for 40 years, so this is technically his first date in almost 50 years. He did pretty good, I have to say.

Oh that made me a bit weepy! I'm glad things went well. It will get easier for you over time, hang it there you may have just gained a good friend

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I'm happy that things turned out so much better than you could have expected. There will be times that will be hard to witness, but how neat to see your dad smile and laugh again! It's great to witness a healing soul be carefree!

 

[Michelle817]

I'm sorry for your loss. I know how hard this is, as I've been there, too. My dad died in a car accident when he was only 40 (and I was 17). My mom started dating a man only 12 months later, and a year after that, they got married. They've been together 8 years now, and I still don't love it. I'm sure it's not like this for everyone, but I'm not thrilled. It breaks my heart to see him (my stepdad) get to play Grandpa to my kids, when my dad never got that chance (my oldest is 4). I don't know, my story probably isn't very encouraging, but I just wanted to share that you're definitely not alone. It is HARD, and it's not like we get practice for how to deal with it.

I hope your situation with your dad continues to go well.

 

[KellyTheChef]

Michelle...I understand how it's hard, knowing that YOUR dad is missing out on being a Grandpa to your kids. Look at the bright side of things...they DO have someone who wants to be there for them in that "grandpa" mode. I think you would be even more sad if they didn't get to have ANY grandpa. (Trust me, I think I get more upset at the things my mom is MISSING now that she is gone, and those are the times that I miss her the most!)

Carla...I am so glad that things went relatively well for you! That first step is always the biggest and the hardest! I pray that God continues to help you (and your dad) deal with these "firsts" as they come up!

HUGS!

 

[Ann F]

Carla, I enjoyed reading your update. It brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart to learn that you not only survived, but were able to glean some good from the day.