Is it time to let go of this friendship?

[vwpamperedchef]

I feel funny for posting this...but I am really sick and tired of this nonsense.

Here's the deal...I've been friends with Jenn for about 15 years on and off. We comes from different backgrounds...she did some things I did not agree with and we stopped talking for a few years, until about Sept. 2005, when I was going to be married in Oct.

We kept in contact via email til January 2007, when she picked up a night job where I was working. We worked together til August (mainly working together on Sundays).

Since I quit that job in August, I rarely speak to hear. I do consider her one of my closest friends, but lately with the guy she has been seeing, I don't see her quite so much.

Again, she has done some things I don't agree with---I think she likes his $$, he bought her a car, they live together. She had a miscarriage, told me she didnt love him and it was for the best. I invited her for dinner over Christmas and she brought him. She said it was the first time they had hung out in awhile.

I havent seen her since the time they came for dinner. (which they were hours late for) I was so mad.

Her bday was in Feb, still have a gift for her. She also went to Vegas with BF in Feb. She never told me any details of the vacation until one day I get an email with a diamond ring. I said "oh you are getting serious" and she says..."We're engaged did I forget to tell you" UMMM YES.

Jenn kept saying "I will tell you the details" its almost June and you've guessed it...NO DETAILS. NO EMAIL. NO PHONE CALLS. NOTHING.

I've emailed and called and she never replies. I either chalk it up, "that's how she is" but it so frustrates me.

I am seriously at the end of the rope. Sorry for the long email...but any suggestions on how YOU would handle it?

I thank all of you for your friendship...and to Jrstephens who has been a real friend to me!!:love:

 

[erinyourpclady]

Honey....life is to short to spend it worrying about people who don't give two cents. Bless and release.....

Just remember....

A good friend will tell you what you want to hear.
A true friend will always tell the truth.

A good friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A true friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A good friend will be there for you all through school.
A true friend will be there till the day you die.

A good friend will bail you out of prison.
A true friend will be sitting next to you saying
"damn that was fun!".

A good friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A true friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A good friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed.
A true friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A good friend wonders about your romantic history.
A true friend could blackmail you with it.

A good friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A true friend calls you after you had a fight.

A good friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A true friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A good friend has never seen you cry.
A true friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A good friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A true friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A good friend expects you to always be there for them.
A true friend expects to always be there for you.

A good friend is someone you enjoy hanging out with.
A [true] friend is someone you need. (Neil Diamond, Heartlight)

 

[baychef]

Forgive her for not telling you. Life carries us in so many directions and in so many ways. A true friend is one that you can be away from and even not be in touch with for a while...but when you get back together, it is just like you didn't skip a day.

I have a friend that I have had for 35 years. You could count on one, maybe two hands the times we actually met!! Her older sister introduced us several years ago and she lived in NJ and VA all of her life. I live in NY. We can go a year or two with out much contact, but when we talk, write or on the rare instance that we actually together, it is the connection we had when we first met as teenagers!

Another friend I have that is nearby, now has 5 children. Her oldest and my only son were good buds before they were in school but now, never see each other. I see my friend a couple times a year. Her life is full with all of the children's activities, my son just turned 18 and we just don't see each other much. Ironically, her oldest son was burned a couple years ago and I just happened to hear about it. I went to the hospital, her son was released and I took him home while she went to get prescriptions and to pick up a few things. Her husband was at home watching the other children.

Friends are always there for each other even though time and distance can separate you.

If you truely cherish her friendship, be a shoulder when she needs one, celebrate the good times and cry together through the bad times, but sometimes, just knowing that friend is there is enough.

My best advice...really evaluate how much her friendship means to you. If it means a lot, then roll with it (not sure I would make dinner for them again!!) but if it doesn't mean too much...then you will both grow apart.

 

[Addie4TLC]

You are describing a childhood friend of mine! A part of you wants to stick it out because of all the time invested in the "friendship" but it's just so exhausting. With my friend I was the one always checking in, visiting her, etc. Then I was going to get married and I invited her but didn't ask her to be a part of my wedding party but did ask a mutual friend. I didn't ask her because I figured she wouldn't be up to the practices and meetings etc. I wanted dependable people. Well... she later told me that she was upset about that, I gave her my reasons and she said she was over it but her actions didn't say the same. I had both of my kids and NOTHING, no visit no phone call nothing. My husband told me to stop trying to be her friend. Now she is married and a mom and I have a feeling she would NOW love to share in the "mom" experience with me but it's too little too late, we're no longer close.

The behavior started when I started dating my husband.... I think that she didn't want to be around me being sooo happy (some people are like that) when she was single. Maybe she has the same hang up, doesn't seem like she is truly happy and might not want to be around you in your happy life. Bless and release is right. You may miss the fun times, but let go. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

 

[vwpamperedchef]

I can relate to all of you. Not wanting to let go, but needing to let go, because I keep getting let down. My DH tells me it isnt worth my time, and why am I putting so much effort into it.

She is a good person, but this man seemed to "change" her or "bring out her true colors" I cannot decide which.

I welcome any other advice. Thanks ladies.

 

[PampMomof3]

Forgive her for not telling you. Life carries us in so many directions and in so many ways. A true friend is one that you can be away from and even not be in touch with for a while...but when you get back together, it is just like you didn't skip a day.
My best advice...really evaluate how much her friendship means to you. If it means a lot, then roll with it (not sure I would make dinner for them again!!) but if it doesn't mean too much...then you will both grow apart.

Well said!! I agree, if it's meant to be, when you guys get back together, it'll be like time never was spent apart.

Good Luck and stop stressing!

 

[CookingwithMary]

FWIW, I've had 2 people similar to that in my life.Realized that for me, they are just long-term acquaintances, not friends.Bless and release...

 

[rennea]

I here you girl!!Oh dear I feel your pain!!!! I just "let go" of my "best" friend last year. I was always no matter what there for her, through thick and thin. I put her wedding on, sat and cried with her after her miscarrige. And that's just to name a few. But not one stinking time in my life was or has she been there for me. I just gave up!! So have many other "friends" so I have heard.

I had been upset about it for so long and after I made my decision it was like I went through a time of mourning. Really I was I had lost a friendship. When I was down and out a long time ago I had started a thread on here about it. A lot of people on here were so awsome to me about it and gave advice on how to deal with it. Made me feel as if I really wasn't alone. I got through it and I am a stronger person because of it.

I was also told by a few people on here that because SHE had KIDS that some how it made it OK to be a bad friend , still not over that. (Can you tell and I don't really want to get into it)

You really have to do what you feel is right in your heart. And from experience have to tell you to put all the energy that you are using on her into something that makes you happy

 

[Kitchen Diva]

My personal experience has taught me it is best to let go of any type of negative or toxic relationship. I'm not saying to totally write her off, but I also wouldn't pursue her, either.

Only you can decide what is best for you- however I have to agree with your husband. Sometimes they can see things in a way that we can't- AND they can take the emotion out of it. Try his advice. It can't hurt...she's already not speaking to you!

Hope you feel better about all of this soon. HUGS to you!

 

[Jean DeVries]

I've often said that one of the best things about being a grown up is that you don't have to hang out with people you don't really like.

I think you have to decide what you have in common, and what this person brings to your life. If the answer is nothing, bless and release.

I will also say, however, that my best friend from elementary school (she moved in in the 3rd grade and her mom always sais that I was her "assigned friend.") and I only talk probably like once a month. She's busy. I'm busy. And at this point, we don't have much in common - she's married with a kid, I'm not. But we have history, we have a past, and she makes me laugh out loud when I do talk to her. She'll always be my friend, even though I don't see her but once every few months.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I've often said that one of the best things about being a grown up is that you don't have to hang out with people you don't really like.

I think you have to decide what you have in common, and what this person brings to your life. If the answer is nothing, bless and release.

I will also say, however, that my best friend from elementary school (she moved in in the 3rd grade and her mom always sais that I was her "assigned friend.") and I only talk probably like once a month. She's busy. I'm busy. And at this point, we don't have much in common - she's married with a kid, I'm not. But we have history, we have a past, and she makes me laugh out loud when I do talk to her. She'll always be my friend, even though I don't see her but once every few months.

quick hijack please...
Hey Jean, come join my good news thread- we're talking about you. In a good way of course!

 

[janetupnorth]

All I can say tonight is:Mean people suck. Seriously, you sound JUST like my cousin. She had a "friendship" she stuck through everything with...always there for the person. This person lied about her, backstabbed her, stole boyfriends (not only stole but slept with), and kept a smile on her face while with her. We tried (my parents, friends, myself) for about 15 years to tell her what we saw...didn't get through to her until one day she finally dropped her as a friend after she ruined her engagement. She (my cousin) is so happy now about 9 years later...finally getting married at age 42, has some GREAT friends to take this person's place (did I say she took all my cousin's generosity for herself and wouldn't let her have other friends?), and finally has her life healthy and good too.Do what your heart says...

 

[JAE]

Reading your original post reminds me of myself a few years back. I know how you're feeling.

There comes a time in our lives when we have to let ourselves grow up. Let people be who they are, but at the same time be who you want to be. Don't hold your expectations too high for people who continually let you down. Actually, life is much easier when you don't expect much from anyone. Just be greatful for what you get, and do your best to live right, all the while keeping healthy boundaries. Even our very good and best friends let us down, but we have to decide to forgive and if those people are really worth effort because all good relationships take effort. That's why when someone isn't giving any effort except when it's convenient for her, you know you can just be a nice person when you have to come in contact with her.

Every once in a while send her a new e-mail. One day, it may come back to you because it's no longer her e-mail address. You did what you could and you did what you wanted to do, not what you thought you should do.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Reading your original post reminds me of myself a few years back. I know how you're feeling.

There comes a time in our lives when we have to let ourselves grow up. Let people be who they are, but at the same time be who you want to be. Don't hold your expectations too high for people who continually let you down. Actually, life is much easier when you don't expect much from anyone. Just be greatful for what you get, and do your best to live right, all the while keeping healthy boundaries. Even our very good and best friends let us down, but we have to decide to forgive and if those people are really worth effort because all good relationships take effort. That's why when someone isn't giving any effort except when it's convenient for her, you know you can just be a nice person when you have to come in contact with her.

Every once in a while send her a new e-mail. One day, it may come back to you because it's no longer her e-mail address. You did what you could and you did what you wanted to do, not what you thought you should do.

You are one smart cookie, JAE!


I'm glad you're my friend.:love:

 

[vwpamperedchef]

Reading your original post reminds me of myself a few years back. I know how you're feeling.

There comes a time in our lives when we have to let ourselves grow up. Let people be who they are, but at the same time be who you want to be. Don't hold your expectations too high for people who continually let you down. Actually, life is much easier when you don't expect much from anyone. Just be greatful for what you get, and do your best to live right, all the while keeping healthy boundaries. Even our very good and best friends let us down, but we have to decide to forgive and if those people are really worth effort because all good relationships take effort. That's why when someone isn't giving any effort except when it's convenient for her, you know you can just be a nice person when you have to come in contact with her.

Every once in a while send her a new e-mail. One day, it may come back to you because it's no longer her e-mail address. You did what you could and you did what you wanted to do, not what you thought you should do.

I definitely think that is one of my flaws...having high expectations of people.

I enjoyed reading everyone's posts. All were from the heart and well put. I am glad to see I am not the only person who has had a situation like this. Thanks for your insights.

 

[chefsteph07]

If it were me, I would not pursue her, I'd wait to get the wedding invitation...
It is up to you whether or not you want to write her off...if you are an "all or nothing" kind of person, that is probably the way you are leaning...me, I have alot of "friends" who I associate with mainly through email, rarely speak to, maybe get together once or twice a year, and that's fine with me. I have a few friends I can't go more than two days without talking to!

I also have a friend who has been married for 20 yrs and she moved right after, I had seen her less than a handful of times in the last 20 yrs, but she came to town w/ her family when I got married 5 yrs ago (it meant so much to me, was a major highlite!) and since then I talked to her about once every 6 mo. We pick right up where we left off. She just moved back to my area in April (YAH!) and we have made a promise to get together at least once a month...it really just depends on the dynamic of your relationship w this person. If you don't see it "going anywhere"...let her go...but I would try not to judge her...maybe she is the kind of person who doesn't feel she needs to talk to you frequently, or she thinks that she can pick back up after not seeing/talking to you for a while. If it is REALLY bothering you, I would write her a sincere letter explaining things and mail it to her.

 

[MORFIA]

Ditto---

lets go for ice CREAM!!!


XOOXOXO

 

[KellyTheChef]

My personal experience has taught me it is best to let go of any type of negative or toxic relationship. I'm not saying to totally write her off, but I also wouldn't pursue her, either.

Only you can decide what is best for you- however I have to agree with your husband. Sometimes they can see things in a way that we can't- AND they can take the emotion out of it. Try his advice. It can't hurt...she's already not speaking to you!

Hope you feel better about all of this soon. HUGS to you!

I couldn't have said it any better! I had a friend who did this to me off and on for TWELVE YEARS! We were best buds from 7th grade on, but things changed after school, my marriage, and my subsequent divorce only 2.5 years later. I truely had prayed over this and let go. I mourned the loss of our friendship and moved on. I knew that if God wanted her in my life, that He would see to it in His time. If not, I knew that I was better off without the added stress and "emotional kick to the gut" everytime she let me down.

Long story short: she emailed me a couple of months back and asked some questions and we went back and forth....and were able to meet for dinner. Both of us have done a lot of growing up in the past 12 years and we are going to put that past behind us and help generate a new friendship. The bond has always been there when we are together, but now we need to "learn about each other" again, since we have missed so much.

God doesn't always "fix" things like that. I HONESTLY had given this up to Him and I would have been fine if nothing ever changed, but He has shown us that our friendship DOES have a future. But...I will be honest here...there is a part of me that is still holding back. I told her that I have been hurt so much in the past, that it's gonna take some time till I believe that she is TRUELY wanting to forge a friendship again. Time will tell...and God will direct me no matter what.

Not to turn this into something about me....I just wanted to tell you a different possible "outcome" but your friend is gonna have to WANT TO CHANGE first. Otherwise, I would say stop beating your head against the wall...just let it go for now.

Good luck, I feel for you. It's hard on our hearts when a good friend lets us down repeatedly....

{{{HUGS}}}

Kelly