Is It Time to Let Go of an Unbalanced Friendship?

[rennea]

Ok here I go!! There had been a thread the other day about friends, and finding them. I didn’t want to hijack they thread but I have been so upset these last couple of months with my “best” friend. We have been “friends” for 20 years. Were the best of friends through high school and beyond. We took some different paths. She “had” to have kids, then regretted it later on. Me still none!! We have traveled together, in fact 3 years ago I called her up one day and said “hey girl let’s get on a plane for Europe”. We did and had a fantastic 2 weeks. We have never had a fight or even argued. I’ve always been there, children, money problems, family crisis etc. I have always gone out of my way to keep in touch. Spend the whole year looking for those prefect special little gifts for her and her girls birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc. I’ve always been there to help out. When they bought there home I was the one called on to decorate it.(I’m a certified interior designer). Free of charge I might add!! I spent one Spring and Summer helping to landscape there 2 acres of yard.
She has never been a huge supporter of my business, I think she has always been a little sour over it. My husband and I worked hard for it and it has paid off, we are debt free(for now) and travel when we want. After our restaurant opened it took up a great deal of my time and still does but I have always made time when she needed me. We even paid for us and her and her hubby to travel to California for two weeks vacation. Don’t get wrong I’m not bitter about it , it was our idea so the money isn’t an issue. I’ve never been one to brag and am always very careful not to mention anything that might upset her.
The friendship over the past 4 years has been sooo one-sided. After her kids were born she did find her “mothers to hang out with” but she has let those friendships go. I’m the one who calls to check in to see how things are.. She works about a block from my restaurant. A few days before Christmas I dropped off gifts at her home while she was out, her DH told me they would be over the next day. We had dinner, and she told me she would call when they got back into town from the in laws after Christmas. NOTHING!! My birthday in January came and went, no phone call. I would have NEVER forgotten her birthday NEVER.. So I have finally decided that this is just not a friend that I need anymore. Still as I write, I have not herd from her. I feel as if I’m mourning . I haven’t uttered a word of this to DH cause he would just say “call her”. He doesn’t get it. Why hasn’t my friendship been important to her?? Why??
Thanks, I just really needed to get this out. Sorry it’s been so long.

 

[Miss Cori]

Im sorry. I hope things get better for you. If you feel that letting her go is best for you then let her go. Do whatever makes you happy. Good Luck.

 

[janetupnorth]

That's tough - I do have to say one thing though. I have a friend like that and we've both had kids and gotten busy with life. With kids, working FT and other activities, it truly is a HUGE effort to call up a girlfriend...not because I don't value them or the past, but because life is just too busy. I have a friend like this and 5 years ago we NEVER would have missed a birthday. Now, 3 months later we say, "Oh, by the way, happy birthday".

I know you think your DH doesn't get it, but he may more than you think...I personally would try talking to her and telling her how you feel...she may just be busy!

 

[janetupnorth]

...or she may be depressed and need someone like you to reach back out to her... ...you never know...

 

[gilliandanielle]

Oh you poor thing! I know how you feel! I have no friends that I am not related to because I got married right out of high school. All my friends were into partying and went off to college... I have tried to reconnect with some but we are just intersted in different things now. It sounds like she only contacts you when she needs or wants something.

Personally I would bless and release, but be prepared for her to call out of the blue sometime... then you will get sucked right back in!

 

[Chef Kearns]

I know how you feel. I'm going through the same thing now with one of my good friends.

From your story your friend may have a bit of the green-eyed monster (envy). Even though you attempt to not rub it in just hearing you talk about your debt-free kid-free vacations and stuff might get under her skin. Just a thought from someone who often struggles with envy herself.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Rennea,

I know exactly where you are coming from....and I understand the hurt. I have a friend who, still, will tell other people I am her best friend.....but she never calls, always cancels at the last minute when we are supposed to get together, and doesn't return phone calls when I leave a message. A year ago, her daughter was in the Military, and left her baby girl with her....so all of a sudden she was a "full time" mom again - and then she wanted to hang out all the time (her granddaughter is the same age as my son). But as soon as her daughter came home, she disappeared again. It hurts, and I miss her alot - I've had very few friends in my life that I could totally let my hair down with, and she was one of them. We still see each other at church, and she always hugs me and says "oh we should get together - I really need to spend some time with you", but I know if I do make plans, she'll cancel at the last moment - so what's the use? My DH has asked why I don't see her anymore, and I don't really have an answer for him, other than she doesn't seem to take our friendship seriously. I've had to take the attitude of "Bless & Release" with her too.....since I'm not needy and clingy - I'm not begging for her friendship!
Soooo, I don't really have an answer for you - but I do understand the hurt and the confusion you have!

 

[DebbieSAChef]

How sad.

Ok here I go!! There had been a thread the other day about friends, and finding them. I didn’t want to hijack they thread but I have been so upset these last couple of months with my “best” friend. We have been “friends” for 20 years. Were the best of friends through high school and beyond. We took some different paths. She “had” to have kids, then regretted it later on. Me still none!! We have traveled together, in fact 3 years ago I called her up one day and said “hey girl let’s get on a plane for Europe”. We did and had a fantastic 2 weeks. We have never had a fight or even argued. I’ve always been there, children, money problems, family crisis etc. I have always gone out of my way to keep in touch. Spend the whole year looking for those prefect special little gifts for her and her girls birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc. I’ve always been there to help out. When they bought there home I was the one called on to decorate it.(I’m a certified interior designer). Free of charge I might add!! I spent one Spring and Summer helping to landscape there 2 acres of yard.
She has never been a huge supporter of my business, I think she has always been a little sour over it. My husband and I worked hard for it and it has paid off, we are debt free(for now) and travel when we want. After our restaurant opened it took up a great deal of my time and still does but I have always made time when she needed me. We even paid for us and her and her hubby to travel to California for two weeks vacation. Don’t get wrong I’m not bitter about it , it was our idea so the money isn’t an issue. I’ve never been one to brag and am always very careful not to mention anything that might upset her.
The friendship over the past 4 years has been sooo one-sided. After her kids were born she did find her “mothers to hang out with” but she has let those friendships go. I’m the one who calls to check in to see how things are.. She works about a block from my restaurant. A few days before Christmas I dropped off gifts at her home while she was out, her DH told me they would be over the next day. We had dinner, and she told me she would call when they got back into town from the in laws after Christmas. NOTHING!! My birthday in January came and went, no phone call. I would have NEVER forgotten her birthday NEVER.. So I have finally decided that this is just not a friend that I need anymore. Still as I write, I have not herd from her. I feel as if I’m mourning . I haven’t uttered a word of this to DH cause he would just say “call her”. He doesn’t get it. Why hasn’t my friendship been important to her?? Why??
Thanks, I just really needed to get this out. Sorry it’s been so long.

I am sorry you are experiencing hurt over this. It could be many things that makes her feel your friendship is just not valuable to her. It's sad and a shame, friends like you are worth more than gold or silver!!
I think you are a great person to help your friend out and expected nothing in return. Unfortunately sometimes we meet people who just want to see how much they get can get out of somebody financially, physically or emotionally with no thought of how it might hurt that person to find out they are being used or are disposable.
I agree with Chef Kearns (Sandra) I think that maybe jealousy played a big part in her way of dismissing your friendship in such a cold way. I wouldn't sweat it, people like you can make friends at the drop of a hat. You are so filled with love, generosity and kindness that when someone decides not to enjoy that about you, they just don't know what they are missing.
I know it hurts and I had the same thing happen when I got married and had kids, my single friends dismissed me and chose to leave their "religious" friend alone and concentrate on parties and their own lives. As if we couldn't talk about other things in life besides drinking, men and parties...lol!
Keep your chin up, grieve the loss and move on to bigger and better things!!

Debbie

 

[yummy4tummy]

Gone but not forgottenHey Rennea

I too feel your pain. As a matter a fact, your story and mine are almost identical. I DID post on the other thread about my experience. I have had 2 very long term friendships go south.

My "best friend" of 31 yrs has done several things that really hurt me over the years and I just sucked it up. I was always the one to make the calls to her. I have never missed her birthday although mine is comes before hers, mine Valentine's Day...hers in March. she never made time to call me (nor does she today). It was the last straw (and trust me, there were MANY straws to choose from) a few yrs. back. I had to learn to resign to the fact that she became totally self-centered and if she really wanted to continue the "friendship" that she would be making some contact.

The second one was my first love's sister that I remained friends with for over 26 years. I won't go into the story (as well as I'm sure that you don't want to read it) but that one has ended as well about 5 yrs ago. I did see her last year when I was visiting my hometown. She grabbed me and hugged me like nothing ever happened (I'm not sure if it was for visual effect or not) She asked if I still lived where I use to live , I said no and gave her my business card and told her she could call me. Never heard a word. Her father passed away about 3 months ago. I sent a card and a plant. Again, never heard a word.

Yes it does hurt that they blew me off without a care in the world but I deserve better. I was always there for them and I know that I did all I could to maintain contact but I refuse to be used any more. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I wish I had a friend like me. Hey maybe we can start our own club.

 

[Grandmarita]

I had a dear friend for over thirty years. As I reflect back on it, the friendship lasted that long because I continued to make the effort to call her, to go with me on nature walks, to concerts, and art shows. In between, she was into walking her dogs, and existing with an alcoholic partner. One time she made plans to join me at a 12 step meeting, and then to go to lunch for her birthday. She never showed or called. I was so disappointed, I did not call her either. The time lapsed for six months, and still no contact from her.

I was at a parish retreat and shared it with a friend who advised me to try one more time. When I did, I was startled to hear about her husband having a stroke, and being in a nursing home all that time. She had been visiting him every day, taking his laundry home, and missing him like I could not believe. In addition, she had been having health issues. About that time, it was my birthday, so I called to see if we could have our usual lunch to celebrate. She said that she had just returned from being in the hospital as a patient.
So I took lunch over. It was the last time she was her old self. She had a stroke the next day, and ended up as a patient in the same facility where her husband was. She survived for seven years and was a cheerful patient who
appreciated everything anyone did for her. She always appreciated my visits and was interested in my activities. It reminded me how blessed I was to still have my health, and be free to do all the things we used to do together.

One time, she had her son call me, to be her companion when the nursing home was given passes to the LPGA. What a joy to share our love of golf.

The moral of this story. I miss her terribly, to this day. In many respects I wish I had not let that six months be lost but I cannot dwell on past history.
We are all grown ups and the greatest gift we can give a friend is a word of
encouragement and now, maybe an e-mail in between times.

Hope this gives some perspective to guide your handling of what appears to be a very painful loss of the good old times.

 

[KellyTheChef]

I feel for you! My best friend from high school and I have an on-again-off-again relationship. My best advice is this: if you feel you should try one more time, then do that. Then, let the ball stay in her court. If she REALLY is your friend, SHE will make an effort. I had to do this with my girlfriend. It took a lot of prayer, but God helped me to release the hurt and not hold it against her. I still miss her terribly, though! Good luck!

 

[janetupnorth]

The moral of this story. I miss her terribly, to this day. In many respects I wish I had not let that six months be lost but I cannot dwell on past history.
We are all grown ups and the greatest gift we can give a friend is a word of
encouragement and now, maybe an e-mail in between times.

Hope this gives some perspective to guide your handling of what appears to be a very painful loss of the good old times.

Grandmarita - thank you - I was feeling like the sole person on that side of the issue. I was taking the side that she may have something happening in her life that she might not be sharing, thus explaining the behavior, rather than being an ungrateful person for all rennea has done for her. We don't know the situation, but I know I'd hate to assume someone was evil and ungrateful only to find out they were going through something and I didn't "care" enough to ask them about it but wallowed in the fact that they didn't call me.

Hopefully, rennea's friend may still be there...

 

[sillylittlechef]

I have to disagree a little with the rest of these guys. It may be that she does not realize what has happened. Life can make you crazy and forgetful and rude. I have three children and just recently lost a friend without children. I love my children and they changed my life. These changes revealed some negative sides of my personality. It's not selfishness that caused me not to call my friends and hang out with them. IT's that I didn't (and still don't) do much of anything that doesn't involve my children. And although my friend always invited my kids I didn't feel comfortable....the kids destroy the house, I spend the whole time dealing with kids instead of visiting, kids miss naps, kids are cranky, mom is cranky....it's easier to stay home. Also, I tend to do things that my kids will enjoy. I never thought to invite my friend along because she doesn't have kids and well, I didn't want her to be bored---plus I want to enjoy these times with my children and not feel rude because I am ignoring a friend who came along and isn't interested in the petting zoo smell. I also have to say that I am doing much better --- making an effort to send notes and make phone calls just to say hi to old friends before I lose more. My other friend could not accept my apology, by the time she told me there was a problem she was done trying. Don't let that happen. She might not realize there even is a problem.
of course, this has been my situation, and yours may be different, but friends are so hard to come by these days, don't just give up. We all go through our different seasons of life and it might just be that she is in a different one than you are.

 

[rennea]

ThanksThanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I have been upset with our relationship for sometime it's been years now that this is happening. She has slowly lost all her friends, including those who "have kids". I don't have children but I do have a business that up until recently worked 60+ hours and never turned my back on family and friends. If one day I do have a child I will not use the child as an reason. (those of us who don't have kids know what I mean) Life is a balance!! I do have other friends and do feel bad that she will be lonely and her kids miss out on somebody that actually spent time with them something she doesn't do!! I do hope she remembers that I was the one who sat held her hand and cried with her when she lost her first baby, I am the who fixed the wedding dress and spent countless hours on wedding decorations, wedding shower, baby showers, childrens birthday parties (yes up until her kids were 10 I, the one without children put on there parties). Or that I am the only person who showed up when her kid was in emergancy. But I am moving on. I'm angry that I have put forth an effort and the only thing I wanted in return was respect and friendship.

Feeling better already, helps to get it out.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I have been upset with our relationship for sometime it's been years now that this is happening. She has slowly lost all her friends, including those who "have kids". I don't have children but I do have a business that up until recently worked 60+ hours and never turned my back on family and friends. If one day I do have a child I will not use the child as an reason. (those of us who don't have kids know what I mean) Life is a balance!! I do have other friends and do feel bad that she will be lonely and her kids miss out on somebody that actually spent time with them something she doesn't do!! I do hope she remembers that I was the one who sat held her hand and cried with her when she lost her first baby, I am the who fixed the wedding dress and spent countless hours on wedding decorations, wedding shower, baby showers, childrens birthday parties (yes up until her kids were 10 I, the one without children put on there parties). Or that I am the only person who showed up when her kid was in emergancy. But I am moving on. I'm angry that I have put forth an effort and the only thing I wanted in return was respect and friendship.

Feeling better already, helps to get it out.

I still know where you are coming from! My "Friend" has been the same way - I was single for a long time while we were friends....and I babysat for her, took care of her home & animals while they were on vacation, I was the one who got up in the middle of the night to come stay with her kids when her brother was almost killed in a motorcycle accident, bought special gifts for her kids birthdays & Christmas.....and then, when I got married, she missed the wedding because she had the time wrong! (like I had talked about anything else for weeks!) Hard to mess up the time - since we were have a BRUNCH reception....she showed up at the church at 2 PM, instead of 10 AM! I have just had to learn to accept her for who she is, to not expect anything from her, and to seek friends elsewhere. It is kinda sad, but I have other friends - so won't waste my effort, emotions, or energy on trying to keep up w/ a friend who doesn't put any effort into the friendship herself.

(Oh and I do see her quite often at church - know her family & work situation - and know that she makes time for what is important to her)

 

[Chef_2_Four]

I know what you are going through! I hope that it gets better for you! My DH is going through the same thing, best friends since kids, he was over ALL the time until he met a girl. Never calls DH or answers when DH calls him. DH quit calling he "let him go", now he actually calls every couple of weeks. Maybe when she realizes your gone she will see what she had and how she treated you! Good luck!!

 

[rennea]

I still know where you are coming from! My "Friend" has been the same way - I was single for a long time while we were friends....and I babysat for her, took care of her home & animals while they were on vacation, I was the one who got up in the middle of the night to come stay with her kids when her brother was almost killed in a motorcycle accident, bought special gifts for her kids birthdays & Christmas.....and then, when I got married, she missed the wedding because she had the time wrong! (like I had talked about anything else for weeks!) Hard to mess up the time - since we were have a BRUNCH reception....she showed up at the church at 2 PM, instead of 10 AM! I have just had to learn to accept her for who she is, to not expect anything from her, and to seek friends elsewhere. It is kinda sad, but I have other friends - so won't waste my effort, emotions, or energy on trying to keep up w/ a friend who doesn't put any effort into the friendship herself.

(Oh and I do see her quite often at church - know her family & work situation - and know that she makes time for what is important to her)

OMG she missed your wedding

A couple of years agoa mutual friend from high school that I met up with asked about her cause they had been good friends as well. She asked why she had become so lazy, won't return phone calls etc. I said that I didn't know but had been treated the same way, she told me she had just given up. She has kids to and works full time and said "now a days good friends are hard to find and one day when her kids are grown up and out of the house she will look back on friendships lost". At the time I felt so bad but was still holding on.

 

[Ginger428]

My heart breaks for you & I cannot say anything else that has already been. I just hope that the pain goes away quick enough....

 

[PamperChefCarol]

In addition to all that's been said, I would just try to keep the door open. You really don't know what is going on in her life and sometimes long term friendships sort of have an ebb and flow to them. I have 2 long term friends, 30 years both cases, and over the years it's been like that. I am lucky and fortunate to know that even though we may not communicate or see each other on a frequent basis, we know that we are there for each other.

Speaking from experience, sometimes you turn inward and others misunderstand that. I have been fighting massive depression for the past year and there are days I just want to hide under a beanbag. But I push ahead because that is not how I want to live my life. Some people can't do that and choose the beanbag.

Let her know you are there for her and then go about your business. She may come back, or may not. Sometimes friendships end. Sad, but true.

 

[apriljc]

I feel your pain too. I understand that people get busy and sometimes it is hard to keep in contact with people but are people that busy that they can't pick up the phone? My family sounds like your friend. My mom and my sister have a close relationship and I am a third wheel. They go to Las Vegas every year and not one did I get invited. My mom and I planned on going to Kansas City every year to do some Christmas shopping but we never have gone, and she told me this was going to be our things six years ago and I am still waiting. They never pick up the phone to call me but they call each other. My sister recently had a baby and my mom went up to her house and stayed with her and her DH and new baby for 5 days. I have had two children and she never once offered to stay with me or to help me out. So I totally understand what it means to give and you don't receive. I don't understand why people can't see this.

 

[pampchefrhondab]

Wow, I thought this only happend to me!

I have a friend from Jr. high school who will never call or email me. I always call her first. A while back I decided I would wait until she calls me the next time - this was about 9 months ago. She did send a Christmas card. I sent one back and told her how my FIL passed away in October. I thought that would get her to call, but nothing!

Last summer I invited her over several times for dinner (including her husband and son), she always had an excuse of how she couldn't come over. I then gave her multiple options (days/weekends) and told her to pick one. I also said we need to make time to get together, but still nothing. This is when I gave up! I even know her husband very well because we worked together.

She purchased a new home about 7 years ago. Every time I spoke to her afterward I would say, "I'd love to see your new home." Do you think she would take the hint and invite me over??? I said it for about 5 years - she finally said, "It's not new any more." (Yeah, that's the point)!

I realized the only reason we were still friends was because of me. I have another friend from high school I also keep in touch with, but it is two-sided. The three of us were best friends in high school and my other friend doesn't keep in touch w/her either. She gave up sooner then I did!!

This friend is the type of person who thinks she is busier then anyone else on earth. She also has a very set schedule (Laundry Monday, Ironing Tuesday, go out to dinner Wed.). It's sad she lets that control her life and can't make room for friends. She is going to be very lonely some day.

I have a lot of other friends, but still feel sad she doesn't think any more of our friendship which began 30 years ago!

 

[reba515]

I had a dear friend for over thirty years. As I reflect back on it, the friendship lasted that long because I continued to make the effort to call her, to go with me on nature walks, to concerts, and art shows. In between, she was into walking her dogs, and existing with an alcoholic partner. One time she made plans to join me at a 12 step meeting, and then to go to lunch for her birthday. She never showed or called. I was so disappointed, I did not call her either. The time lapsed for six months, and still no contact from her.

I was at a parish retreat and shared it with a friend who advised me to try one more time. When I did, I was startled to hear about her husband having a stroke, and being in a nursing home all that time. She had been visiting him every day, taking his laundry home, and missing him like I could not believe. In addition, she had been having health issues. About that time, it was my birthday, so I called to see if we could have our usual lunch to celebrate. She said that she had just returned from being in the hospital as a patient.
So I took lunch over. It was the last time she was her old self. She had a stroke the next day, and ended up as a patient in the same facility where her husband was. She survived for seven years and was a cheerful patient who
appreciated everything anyone did for her. She always appreciated my visits and was interested in my activities. It reminded me how blessed I was to still have my health, and be free to do all the things we used to do together.

One time, she had her son call me, to be her companion when the nursing home was given passes to the LPGA. What a joy to share our love of golf.

The moral of this story. I miss her terribly, to this day. In many respects I wish I had not let that six months be lost but I cannot dwell on past history.
We are all grown ups and the greatest gift we can give a friend is a word of
encouragement and now, maybe an e-mail in between times.

Hope this gives some perspective to guide your handling of what appears to be a very painful loss of the good old times.

WOW! What a sad but truly powerful story. Thank you. Just goes to show, you just never know what may be happening behind closed doors.
going to get the tissues now.

 

[rennea]

Wow I see I'm really not alone on this. Can't believe this happens all the time.
If there is anybody reading this that is one of those "friends or famliy" that is neglectful please pick up the phone, email or send a note. Realize your actions or lack of hurt. That somebody in your life could do with a nice heart felt hello. Take care of the people that support you and love you!! Thanks again for everyone who has shared, your pain is my pain too.

 

[yummy4tummy]

Grandmarita - thank you - I was feeling like the sole person on that side of the issue. I was taking the side that she may have something happening in her life that she might not be sharing, thus explaining the behavior, rather than being an ungrateful person for all rennea has done for her. We don't know the situation, but I know I'd hate to assume someone was evil and ungrateful only to find out they were going through something and I didn't "care" enough to ask them about it but wallowed in the fact that they didn't call me

Now at the risk of sounding selfish here I am going to say, what about me? I was there for my friends just like Rennea said she was. I was there for the "break-ups", her wedding day, her pregnancies (planned and unplanned), miscarriages and abortions. I even put on a "one man" baby shower for her at her family's house that contributed NOTHING (not even a gift for her). When I was in the military, I drove over 1200 miles on leave to my hometown. She couldn't even drive 70 miles to come visit me so once again, I went to her. Only to discover that she allotted just a 30 minute visit (because her then boyfriend, now husband) would be home soon (we met at a coffee shop) I knew him, she and I were roommates when they met and became involved. He was/is not a jealous/abusive man. I also understood when she didn't feel comfortable being my matron of honor at my wedding because she was pregnant. I was hurt when she didn't even show up for my reception but I still turned the other cheek.

When I was diagnosed with MS, I needed her but got nothing. I often wonder IF she would feel anything, knowing how good a friend I was to her, IF/when I vanished from the face of the earth. I know nobody really knows their fate but I feel that Rennea and I and others that have posted as well have paid dues long enough to be a little selfish. That being said, I have never nor will I ever close the door on a friend. I just won't exhaust my energy on a one-sided relationship. And yes, I was quite honest with these "friends" and let them know how they have made me feel insignificant. I don't care how busy my life is there is always time to make a call to say hi, how ya be?

Oh and my other long time "friend" has no kids, not married, but also was not the club scene gal either. I was married with a child, a full-time job and still made all efforts to maintain a friendship. I am not a clingy or needy person and very easy to get along with but I guess my expectations of what a true friend should be seem to be unattainable. As far as not knowing what is going on in their life, you're right. That would require communication.

 

[PampMomof3]

I am so sorry. Have you heard from her yet?