Second Weddings - Your Thoughts

[pampchefrhondab]

Sorry long, but it's a story that should be on a soap opera.

I'm serioulsy thinking about not attending my SIL's second wedding. Her first wedding I spent about $1,000 on due to the fact my two daughters were her flower girls, my husband was in the wedding, I had a bridal shower for her, had to buy her shower gifts and a wedding gift. That marriage did not last.

My own daughter got engaged in Decmeber and has scheduled her wedding for August of 2013. My SIL got engaged on Valentine's Day and now wants to have another big wedding (both have been married before) in July 2013 - only 4 weeks from my daughters. My SIL will be 41 and he will be 55.

Okay, so the weddings are close together you say, but she actually called my daughter up before scheduling her wedding asking her thoughts. My daughter told her she would appreciate it if it wasn't close to hers. She went ahead and scheduled it anyway. She had the gull to tell my daughter she was inmature because she wasn't happy about it. My daughter is mostly upset because she asked and then didn't care anyway. She thinks she thought she would just say no problem. She claims she's asked other people and they don't think it's too close. Well these people aren't the bride.

One of the problems is she's going to be having bridal showers, which are usually 4 weeks before. My duaghter also has other friends getting married that summer and we have my son's graduation in June.

Okay, so these still may not be enough reasons to not go to the wedding, but now she is attacking my daughter and me on facebook. We went to a bridal show on Sunday. After attending we said we were really happy we didn't run into her at the show because we figured she would go. Later that evening she posts, "Found some really great ideas at the bridal show. Too bad some of my family members who are pissed at me didn't say hello. Everyone I've talked to said it wouldn't matter if the weddings are a week apart, everyone is different." So she didn't say a word to us and we didn't even see her. I was really proud of my daughter. She decided to ignore her and not acknowledge the post.

So it gets better. We don't even know her fiance's name and have never met him. I really don't want to go to her wedding and I don't want to purchase her a gift after spending as much as I did for her first wedding.

Has anyone else had to deal with something like this? Any thoughts? There of course is a lot of history with my SIL that would take days tell you about, but long story short, she is very self absorbed.

Thanks for any advice.

 

[babywings76]

Yikes! Sorry you are going through so much drama right now when this should be such and exciting and happy time for you & your daughter.If it were me, I'd still attend her wedding. I wouldn't get her a shower gift, but would give a wedding gift. I wouldn't be super generous, but I would still give her what would be minimally appropriate.While emotions are really high right now, it's important to remember that weddings can be stressful and bring out the negatives in people's personalities. When all is said and done, you love your family and don't want contention probably. Putting on a brave face and getting through it will help so that down the road things will smooth over. If you fight too much on this and not attend her wedding, it can cause serious relationship issues that might be hard to mend later.It's too bad that she has to be doing this to you guys. I wish it wouldn't be that way for you. I hope things turn around and you'll figure out a way to keep peace in the family and enjoy your daughter's special time. Good luck!!

 

[Tracy99]

The fact that she asked your daughter then ignored her does seem like she is digging for something but that said I dont think they are really that close together. It can be hard to get a date and location that fits everyones schedule. I would go to the wedding but not spend much. I'd try to just let it roll off your back and focus on your daughter. Good luck.

 

[pampchefrhondab]

Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it. My daughter and I are still enjoying the plans.My SIL is just someone I would not have any relationship with if she weren't family. The older I get the less I want to put up with people. And it's been so much through the years with this family. I started dating my husband when we were 15. I only see her 2-3 times a year. I don't think I would make it obvious I'm not going to her wedding. I would conveniently have the flu.She had other date options but claims it doesn't work for some of his family. Well this date doesn't work for us. She could have it afterward, but says she wouldn't have a sitter, which is crazy because my MIL would be available either time (for their honeymoon).It's just hard when she attacks your daughter. If it was against me that's fine. I wasn't even that mad until her post on FB. I just don't understand how someone could be so mean to their niece. Especially for a second wedding. Thanks again for your thoughts. We do have a long time before the weddings.

 

[chefa]

Don't go, don't send a gift, don't feel obligated to do anything for the silly twit! Concentrate on your daughter's wedding and the crazy fun it entails and on your son's graduation . What a wonderful milestones summer for your family!I'm at the age where I'm not putting on a happy face nor putting up with stupid family BS anymore either. Does it show?

 

[pchockeymom]

Don't go, don't send a gift, don't feel obligated to do anything for the silly twit! Concentrate on your daughter's wedding and the crazy fun it entails and on your son's graduation . What a wonderful milestones summer for your family!

I'm at the age where I'm not putting on a happy face nor putting up with stupid family BS anymore either. Does it show?

We are in the same place! Ain't it great!!!

As for the wedding - No, don't go. Don't make a big deal about it, but just don't go.

Sorry you have to deal with this by the way. At a time when EVERYTHING should be exciting and fun and full of fabulous memories, this happens. Don't let it be a focus of any sort and take away from any of YOUR family's wonderful events-especially since your husband seems to be on board with whatever you decide.

 

[Tracy99]

My SIL is just someone I would not have any relationship with if she weren't family. The older I get the less I want to put up with people. And it's been so much through the years with this family. I started dating my husband when we were 15. I only see her 2-3 times a year. I don't think I would make it obvious I'm not going to her wedding. I would conveniently have the flu.

I have been thinking about this some more and I really have to say if you don't want to go so bad that you would lie about it, then DON"T GO. But don't lie. When we got married we had 10 people no show after RSVPing for various reasons. Some were very understandable (death in family) some where pretty pathetic (I wanted to mow the grass). We lost money because we paid for those 10 people who had RSVPed. So don't give your SIL any more reason to be upset with you. If you don't want to go, decline. Let your husband, daughter, etc decide for themselves if they want to share in her day or not.

Your SIL just seems like she would take any opportunity at extra drama so don't give it to her.

 

[maldvs]

Is she 41 or 1? For crying out loud, grow up!Personally if it were me, I would send her an email or call her and say, "I saw what you posted on Facebook. Are we happy with you right now, not really. But if we had seen you, which we didn't, we would have said hello. I think it's a tad inappropriate to blast us on Facebook. Please keep the drama to a minimum, my daughter is stressed enough as it is with wedding planning. This is supposed to be a happy day for her and this is all kind of ruining it."Take the high road but still address it. Then I would base my going to her wedding off her reaction. If she's a bitty, screw her. If she's at least a little understanding, then I would probably go (taking the high road) and get her a minimal wedding gift, but no shower gift.

 

[chefheidi2003]

If you don't want to go..then don't go.* But please please please don't say that you are going and then don't go.* I got married in October..and I had 30 people who said that they were coming and then didn't show up.* Luckily I didn't pay per person.* And I did everything inexpensive.* So I wasn't out too much more..but I guarentee I would not have had as much food had I known that those 30 were not coming.* And only 2 of them told us prior to that they would not be able to make it.

I think that my biggest issue to start with would have been that she asked your daughter but didn't really care.* Then don't ask in the first place.* I am so sick of people who use FB to talk crap about everyone else.* Funny..she didn't say hi to you..but you are the one that she is talking crap about.*

 

[Nanisu]

Well, I think you might go to the wedding and just leave afterwards, don't go to the reception....Or you could go and let your daughter see everyone and show her ring, etc. Take the high road. It's one day. My parents divorced when I was very young (4 or 5). My dad met a wonderful woman and they got engaged. My mom also met someone and they got engaged. My mom, out of spite, purposely set her wedding date the same day as my dad's. We kids were not invited to either wedding. Once I grew up and saw what my mom did was spite more than anything else, I honestly lost a tremendous amount of respect for her. Your sister in law is being childish, BUT, even if you see her only 2-3 times a year, if YOU take the high road, you are the better person for it. So what if she is being petty and churlish? Don't let it ruin your daughter's special time, and the more you get into a P**sing contest with her, the more it could rob the job from your daughter's special time of engagement. I'd go and ignore all the nonsense. Don't play the game.

 

[pcsharon1]

Is it going to cause problems with other family members? If yes, then it's just not worth the fight. My sister in law got married last summer. She called and asked us when it would be good to have her wedding because she wanted us there and my husband is active duty army. We told her the last two weeks of April through the first two weeks of June. It was July 18th. She said those dates (two whole months) didn't work for him. So my son and I weren't going to go because my husband could only get a pass and we would have to fly from Colorado to Virginia in a three day time frame (my son was four at the time). All we heard for months was that we had to be there and how upset she was and how disappointed everyone was in us. Not from her. She chose not to speak to us after we told her we weren't all coming. But from the rest of his family. We did end up going (in huge part to the fact that my grandmother was very sick and we didn't know if we would get to see her again, and a day with her was better than nothing) but we are still paying for it and we had nothing but trouble with the flights and entire trip. But his family finally shut up- until the next time they don't get their way. But I can't imagine what we would still be hearing if we hadn't gone. Sometimes it's not worth the fight to prove a point.

 

[vanscootin]

I kinda feel I need to put a disclaimer on some of the personal threads because I really dont wish to offend anyone... but I am exercising my first amendment rights....

I've been married twice... I had the big wedding with the wrong guy. My parents JUST paid off that wedding and it was 8 years ago. I was married 9 months. So when my boyfriend of only 6 months proposed to me I was all excited to plan another big ol wedding... fix my floral, dress, bridesmaid, groom... mistakes I had made at the first wedding. Then I thought about it... I shouldn't expect my family and friends to come to another wedding and I certainly didn't want to put my mom out with having to pay for another one, even if the David's Bridal card wasn't maxed. Dress for the first wedding... $1,000. Dress for the second.... $15.00, on clearance... and no it wasn't white. LOL. He didn't want a big wedding... so we eloped in Vegas, just the two of us. We didn't even have a party when we got back.... and so far we are happily ever after.....

That being said... I have the quintesential evil MIL and SIL.... always got to one up... or bail... completely self absorbed, etc, etc. Luckily, my hubby has started to see right through them. So, I feel your pain... and I'm sure it was done to one up. I could be wrong, chances are I'm not. Some people need all the attention.

I think having a huge extravaganza with a shower and lavish ceremony a second time is... well I can't find the right way to say it without offending some cheffer out there so fill in the blank with your word of choice...... I do not agree with it.

And at that age, you have everything you need and don't need to register for stuff just because you're a) getting married (again) or b) because you want new crap.

So what to do? Plan your baby's wedding! This is HER time, not your SIL's she had her chance... if you don't want to go to any of her events that you're invited to. Send a card with a gift card. One for the shower, one for the wedding.

You get one shot at the big wedding where it's acceptable to invite your friends and family to come and buy you gifts/give money, etc... second weddings should be on a smaller scale. Weddings are too expensive for do -overs.

 

[Brenda.the.chef]

Why would you do something you really don't want to do? or go to a wedding for someone that you really don't care for? I suppose it could be a little different if this was their first and they were younguns, but I can say that I would NOT go! I would tell her I'm not going and may even put the cherry on top by telling her I'm not going because I'm helping plan my daughter's wedding.My Momma would always ask me this whenever I was upset or pressured by someone: "Why are you letting them control your life and feelings?" To me, it's always been my aha! moment.

 

[esavvymom]

I agree with the above. I would not go to the wedding, but send a card and a gift card or gift, etc...nothing extravagant or expensive. You will very likely be busy anyway with your own daughter's wedding plans and won't be able to! (or you can PLAN it that way on purpose. ).She obviously has an agenda or issues of her own. Don't let her bother you- just stay away, and don't look at her FB. OR you could just sugar-sweetly reply to her nasty post and say "We didn't even see you there! You should have come over and said "hello"! I'm so glad you found some great stuff. Isn't it fun?"
Yes- that "hello" wagon could have circled your direction- she saw YOU and didn't say hello. Truth be told...her "friends" will see through the crap too.Now as they say on here: "Bless and release" and forget about her!

 

[pampchefrhondab]

Thank you all so much for all your feedback. You don't now how much it is appreciated. I don't have time to write a lot now because I'm on break at work. I just wanted to quickly tell you all I appreciate all points of view.

 

[pampered1224]

Rhonda I gotta ask. SIL. Sister-IN_LAW. She married family but is not blood correct? I used to read Dear Abbey religiously. If she is not blood, even if she is a widow to your blood relative, you are in no way obligated to do anything at all. Not a card, gift, or anything. But this being said, if she is in good standing with the rest of your blood family, you should accept the invite as it is. Then a modest gift will do. In fact, pop a few bucks in an envelope. Do not get involved in anything else like showers or whatever. Those you can simply reply - NO too.

 

[smart2cook]

I agree with everyone above and I too will add a disclaimer-Vanscootin and I did about the same thing except I never ever had a big wedding either time-no big expense.
However, I did refuse to go to a BIL's 2nd wedding because of his new bride-his brother did not go either. She was going to be the SIL from another planet and the marriage didn't last and she had caused so many problems in the family, I refused to celebrate the union.
I would ignore everything about your SIL and be happy. Concentrate all your happiness and good feelings on your daughter and son. Make their events happy one's. Your daughter shouldn't share anymore info with her either. Let her get her own ideas etc.... just rise above it and respond on FB with nice things-people will see the difference.

 

[pampchefrhondab]

Yes, SIL means sister-in law She is my husband’s sister. I have a lot of time to consider my final decision, and with any hope she won’t end up getting married then.

I do appreciate everyone’s advice, and am actually surprised most of you feel I have the right to be upset about it. I wanted to verify my emotions weren’t getting the best of me.

I have tried for many years to turn the cheek with this side of the family. She (SIL) and my MIL are very selfish people. The hurt goes way back and I wanted to make sure those feelings weren’t interfering with the issue at hand.

My husband and his full brother have always gotten the short end of the stick with his family. My SIL and BIL (full blood to MIL’s 2nd husband) were always given everything and still are. Their college was paid for, cars purchased for them and even houses financed for them. My husband wasn’t given a penny toward his college, no care packages sent, no gas paid for, insurance paid for, etc. Back in the day there were no cell phones. He called his Mother one time from college collect and she had the nerve to tell him he owed her $5 for it. His parents only went to see him 3 times while he was in college 4 years and one of those was his graduation. They did contribute a small amount to our wedding – the rehearsal dinner and a fourth of the flower bill. When we asked them to pay for the beer my MIL said, “I don’t drink beer.” A couple of weeks after the wedding, my husband owed her some money so he said they were even since she owed us for the beer. That Christmas she wrapped a piece of paper that said, “Paid in full” on it like he still owed her. His Mother pushed his natural father out of his life. We have come to have a relationship with him and my husband’s other siblings on that side. They treat us so much better than her. Not once have they, his aunts, grandparents, etc., bad mouthed my MIL. She bad mouthed him all the time. We even found out his real Dad tried to see him when he was little and brought him a bike. She wouldn’t answer the door and gave my husband the bike for Christmas. He never knew it was from his Dad. I could go on for days of other ways she has hurt my husband. I really should write a book. I think my MIL could be a great case for a psychology book. I don’t know why he has a relationship with her at all. I could write them off and not miss the drama and hurt at all. I guess it’s like a women in an abusive marriage, why does she stay?

So this for me may be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I so want to write them off and out of my life for good. It’s just my husband’s decision though. It’s just so hard for me to watch them hurt my husband all these years, and now my daughter.

I’ve thought about this a lot. I really could believe she didn’t do this on purpose until she did the Facebook post. To me that is proof she is vindictive. We had not mentioned the possibility of her having her wedding close to my daughter’s to anyone and didn’t even plan to discuss it with anyone after she made her decision. We were going to bless and release. We even ran into her x-husband at the Bridal Show, he does photography. He was telling us how he knew they were both having weddings next summer, etc. We didn’t say a word about how we weren’t happy she was having hers so close to my daughter’s.

Being sick for her wedding may actually be a reality for me. The thought of seeing her or my MIL just makes me sick to my stomach right now.
Again, thank you everyone for your input and for listening to me. I know there are many more important things going on in the world right now.

 

[vanscootin]

Ok, Rhonda... you win in the family drama department.

You and your hubby have suffered enough, it's time to turn around and run, not walk, the other way.

I'm sending you a hug, cause you need it.

 

[maldvs]

Yes, SIL means sister-in law She is my husband’s sister. I have a lot of time to consider my final decision, and with any hope she won’t end up getting married then.

I do appreciate everyone’s advice, and am actually surprised most of you feel I have the right to be upset about it. I wanted to verify my emotions weren’t getting the best of me.

I have tried for many years to turn the cheek with this side of the family. She (SIL) and my MIL are very selfish people. The hurt goes way back and I wanted to make sure those feelings weren’t interfering with the issue at hand.

My husband and his full brother have always gotten the short end of the stick with his family. My SIL and BIL (full blood to MIL’s 2nd husband) were always given everything and still are. Their college was paid for, cars purchased for them and even houses financed for them. My husband wasn’t given a penny toward his college, no care packages sent, no gas paid for, insurance paid for, etc. Back in the day there were no cell phones. He called his Mother one time from college collect and she had the nerve to tell him he owed her $5 for it. His parents only went to see him 3 times while he was in college 4 years and one of those was his graduation. They did contribute a small amount to our wedding – the rehearsal dinner and a fourth of the flower bill. When we asked them to pay for the beer my MIL said, “I don’t drink beer.” A couple of weeks after the wedding, my husband owed her some money so he said they were even since she owed us for the beer. That Christmas she wrapped a piece of paper that said, “Paid in full” on it like he still owed her. His Mother pushed his natural father out of his life. We have come to have a relationship with him and my husband’s other siblings on that side. They treat us so much better than her. Not once have they, his aunts, grandparents, etc., bad mouthed my MIL. She bad mouthed him all the time. We even found out his real Dad tried to see him when he was little and brought him a bike. She wouldn’t answer the door and gave my husband the bike for Christmas. He never knew it was from his Dad. I could go on for days of other ways she has hurt my husband. I really should write a book. I think my MIL could be a great case for a psychology book. I don’t know why he has a relationship with her at all. I could write them off and not miss the drama and hurt at all. I guess it’s like a women in an abusive marriage, why does she stay?

So this for me may be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I so want to write them off and out of my life for good. It’s just my husband’s decision though. It’s just so hard for me to watch them hurt my husband all these years, and now my daughter.

I’ve thought about this a lot. I really could believe she didn’t do this on purpose until she did the Facebook post. To me that is proof she is vindictive. We had not mentioned the possibility of her having her wedding close to my daughter’s to anyone and didn’t even plan to discuss it with anyone after she made her decision. We were going to bless and release. We even ran into her x-husband at the Bridal Show, he does photography. He was telling us how he knew they were both having weddings next summer, etc. We didn’t say a word about how we weren’t happy she was having hers so close to my daughter’s.

Being sick for her wedding may actually be a reality for me. The thought of seeing her or my MIL just makes me sick to my stomach right now.
Again, thank you everyone for your input and for listening to me. I know there are many more important things going on in the world right now.

I am so sorry your husband has had to endure this for so long and you are a wonderful woman for sticking by his side through all the drama. Saying a prayer for you both right now to be able to get through this and have a happy time with your kids through their happy times.

 

[pampered1224]

Well I may say something wrong here but it would not be the first time. How is your hubby reacting to this SH&1? I guess I would say to follow his lead. Then start getting sick to your stomach a few hours before that joke! Oh sorry wedding! And I also will say this, based on the ignorant rantings of hers on FB, she did it on purpose! Not the FB stuff but rather the wedding date! For some reason she feels majorly inferior to your daughter and needs to do a one-ups-man on it. Too bad, I always feel sorry for the under dog. In this case, I think I would go out of my way to run it over with a semi full of wedding dresses! You have to admit, she must be desperate for attention if the only way she can get it is too ruin a wedding for someone else. What is your FB address, maybe I should post that there so she can see it.

 

[pampchefrhondab]

Well I may say something wrong here but it would not be the first time. How is your hubby reacting to this SH&1? I guess I would say to follow his lead. Then start getting sick to your stomach a few hours before that joke! Oh sorry wedding! And I also will say this, based on the ignorant rantings of hers on FB, she did it on purpose! Not the FB stuff but rather the wedding date! For some reason she feels majorly inferior to your daughter and needs to do a one-ups-man on it. Too bad, I always feel sorry for the under dog. In this case, I think I would go out of my way to run it over with a semi full of wedding dresses! You have to admit, she must be desperate for attention if the only way she can get it is too ruin a wedding for someone else. What is your FB address, maybe I should post that there so she can see it.

Thank you so much for giving me a laugh.

My husband is not really saying much about it. He's so stressed out about work he's too worn out to fight about this. Although he's always just taken it from them (SIL/MIL). I didn't even mention the Grandmother! She's exaclty like them and is still alive! He has finally written her off. We only see her about once a year.

I think this may bring him to that point with them. He's trying to not make a big deal about it for my daughter's sake. I really haven't discussed it further with him or with my daugther at this point. We don't want to rush into any decisions, name calling, fighting, etc. at this point. We have totally ignored her post although this is what I thought about writing on it, "If you're talking about us, we didn't even see you at the Bridal Show, why didn't you say hi? We saw your x though and he might do the photos for us. He said he would give us a great price." She HATES her x (lol).

Thank you to everyone supporting me. You don't know how much I'm thankful for it. I really do think between the 3 women I should write a book or write stories for a TV show. It would be the best revenge if I could get rich from the stories I could tell.

 

[sailorsarah]

Life is too short to worry about wasting it on people that don't deserve it. I would say don't go, explain to her that you have a lot on your plate and that you don't have the time or resources to make it. I would send her a card and maybe a gift. I can understand where you are coming from, my family doesn't just have issues, they have subscriptions. At my wedding I decided to not have my step father walk me down the aisle, something that apparently didn't go over well with his side of the family. I struggled with the decision for quite a while, but in the end I had to go with what was best for me, my husband and my mental health (notice I didn't say sanity, I'm not sure I ever had that