How Do You Handle Offensive Language at a Cooking Show?

[mama2emma]

I'm not talking about the occasional f-bomb, or GD it. Specifically, I'm talking about the words "retard" and "retarded." I have a child with an intellectual disability, and I'm deeply offended by these words. It is something I generally speak up about out in public - I have no qualms about gently educating strangers on the reasons these words are so offensive.

At shows, I've had a harder time. If they are people I know well, I've spoken up, and been well received. But I'm not sure it's appropriate for me to even gently chide my host's guests about this.

Thoughts? Comments? What would you do?

 

[KellyTheChef]

Ugh...I so hate those words. My step kids call each other "R-tards" which I guess they think is better than saying retarded...I don't think so!

We don't have anyone in our immediate family with disabilities...but we do in our church family. I have spoken to them many times about how those words would make Mandy (the girl with Down's) or her parents feel...but they just don't get it.

I am not sure how to go about handling that at a show, though...perhaps if you mention during your intro that you sell PC so you can spend more time with your child with XXX disability. I know that I mention my faith and the stuff I do at church (singing with our praise team) and that seems to curb the GD's and f bombs...which I can't stand. Otherwise, I guess I just ignore it at a show. Easy way out for me, I know, and I feel bad about being such a wimp sometimes...

 

[BethCooks4U]

That's a hard one. It's usually better not say anything since they didn't mean anything and might be put off or embarrassed. I might reply with "that is ____ " - fill in with a replacement word that is acceptable. That would be away to correct the offensive word without "putting them down". Most of the time though it would probably be best to just go on and ignore their ignorance.


I am fortunate to not have a disabled child but have always tried to be aware of what I say so as to be sensitive to others and have heard a lot of things that make me cringe. We all need to teach our children to be caring too. I am so blessed to have sons who even at a young age would go out of their way to help others, especially disabled and elderly people, with out even being urged - often they have seen the need before I did. Most important, they treat the person with dignity - not "oh, poor you" or anything like that but as though they were no different. I am so proud of them.

Sorry you have to deal with that kind of thing. Your daughter is a blessing.

 

[janetupnorth]

I like Kelly's method. Don't directly address the words because they make take it as correction or however. Tell your story...tell how PC helps give you some time away from that because it IS hard to deal with that situation.Your story that tugs at the heart-strings will make them feel very small for using those words if they have any sense at all. Otherwise, there's no fixing it...they will continue to say it whether you bluntly correct it or not.

 

[mama2emma]

I am not sure how to go about handling that at a show, though...perhaps if you mention during your intro that you sell PC so you can spend more time with your child with XXX disability. I know that I mention my faith and the stuff I do at church (singing with our praise team) and that seems to curb the GD's and f bombs...which I can't stand. Otherwise, I guess I just ignore it at a show. Easy way out for me, I know, and I feel bad about being such a wimp sometimes...

Kelly, that is a wonderful idea. Head them off at the pass, so to speak. For the record, my daughter has Down syndrome. I'm a pretty vocal advocate most of the time - too many people think she's so different, completely incapable of anything, or think being her mom must be such a tough job, and it's my pleasure to let them know how wrong they are. Cooking shows just didn't seem like the appropriate forum for me and my soap box.

Thanks, everyone! I feel much better about this now.

 

[pampered.chris]

I agree. If tell your story and mention your childs disability and how PC allows you to be more flexible to be with your child then that should help.
If the language continues, I would think that you would have to not comment on it. Unfortunatley you would REALLY like to correct them or say something, but I feel as though you can't. If you do, they take offense and being that they are amongst friends and you are an invited stranger, you will not get anywhere and be more aggrevated than if you just didn't comment at all.
I am sorry that people can be so ignorant to others, but sometimes people just don't realize how much thier words can affect someone.

 

[rennea]

I agree as well that you should tell "your story".

 

[KellyTheChef]

Kelly, that is a wonderful idea. Head them off at the pass, so to speak. For the record, my daughter has Down syndrome. I'm a pretty vocal advocate most of the time - too many people think she's so different, completely incapable of anything, or think being her mom must be such a tough job, and it's my pleasure to let them know how wrong they are. Cooking shows just didn't seem like the appropriate forum for me and my soap box.
Thanks, everyone! I feel much better about this now.

I feel the same way. I don't shove my beliefs down other's throats at a show (that's not what they are there for...) but I DO mention things here and there that make it obvious where I stand.

Mentioning your daughter may just help others to "get" you a bit better...even without preaching to them.

HTH

 

[janetupnorth]

Here is another thing to think about...We send our daughter to a school where the beliefs are close but not 100% in line with ours. I had a long talk with our pastor when we had to attend a "religion class" there to send the kids of how we handle these differences.He put it this way:
By sending your kids there, it is like being an invited guest in their home. Do you walk in, put your feet up on their furniture and be a rude, vocal guest because you disagree, or do you accept the gracious hospitality and let your manners speak volumes?When I do a PC show, I am a GUEST in someones home. I was invited in. The may be a different age, race, religion, manners, whatever, but I am their guest. Do I step in and try to conform their household to my household rules or do I politely accept the invitation and enjoy the time. As a consultant I can CHOOSE at any time not to accept the invitation and do the show, but in CHOOSING to do so, I need to be polite. Actions will speak much louder than words.

 

[jrstephens]

I am thankful that I do dnot have that problem at my shows. We do not alloe Luke to say things like that and do not say them ourselves.

 

[JAE]

If they are not having a conversation with you using these words then my opinion is you just ignore it. If they are discussing something with your and using these words, then when you comment/reply to them just use non offensive words in place of the words they are using. That way you are just talking with them not telling them how to speak. Actions (in this case: saying the right words) speak louder than words anyway. NWIM?

 

[peichef]

Kelly suggested exactly what I was going to... I think you can add it to your story. Unfortunately some people are so dim & insensitive that you won't curb the behaviour completely, but I bet most people will be mich more sensitive & thoughtful about their language if they know you have a child with an intellectual disability.

 

[DessertDivaFL]

I can understand this situation. My son has autism and I usually end up mentioning him during the show so I have never had a problem with anyone saying anything that could be misunderstood as offensive. Thankfully, I haven't had anyone say derogatory comments during my shows.

 

[babywings76]

Interesting that this topic came up....I held a Mary Kay show for my sister who's the consultant. One of my friends who came as a guest has a child with Down's Syndrome. The guests were at my kitchen table, and my sister was next to me by the stove trying to open something. She couldln't get it opened and said "Man, am I retarded or what?!" I immediately cringed. But I didn't know what to do! I felt awkward and didn't want to reprimand my sister right there, and I didn't want to assume my friend heard her and assume she took offense. So I debated on what to do. I ended up not saying anything. It still naggs at me that I didnt' say anything. I keep wondering if I should mention it to my friend and offer an apology. She is one of the sweetest women I know.

 

[mama2emma]

Interesting that this topic came up....I held a Mary Kay show for my sister who's the consultant. One of my friends who came as a guest has a child with Down's Syndrome. The guests were at my kitchen table, and my sister was next to me by the stove trying to open something. She couldln't get it opened and said "Man, am I retarded or what?!" I immediately cringed. But I didn't know what to do! I felt awkward and didn't want to reprimand my sister right there, and I didn't want to assume my friend heard her and assume she took offense. So I debated on what to do. I ended up not saying anything. It still naggs at me that I didnt' say anything. I keep wondering if I should mention it to my friend and offer an apology. She is one of the sweetest women I know.

Amanda, please mention it and apologize. That's what I would want a friend to do. And please make sure your sister understands why it's such an offensive word. I actually just had a letter to the editor printed on this issue today (yay, me!), and if you think it would help her to read it, PM me and I'll send you a link.

Thanks to everyone who has replied to me here. I knew Cheffers would not only understand, but be able to help.

 

[ChefMann]

I just wanted to chip in my two cents worth because I too have a child with Autism. She has Aspergers Syndrome and can be an incredible handfull. To make matters more interesting, she doesn't look like there is anything different about her, but she behaves in a manner that is unexpected and most people find it a tad unsettling. I certainly feel for any parent or family member that has a special child in their family (or adult for that matter) and my heart goes out to them because I know it means extra work and a labor of complete love.
I mention my family situation at my shows (briefly) and add that my daughter has special needs and Pampered Chef allows me the freedom to be at home with her. I think it heads off any misaligned comments and gives me a "notch up" in the kitchen with guests because if my busy schedule allows for career and a stay at home mom job...this must be something pretty amazing! (either that or they think I'm a supermom...and I'm sure one look at me will tell you that I'm not wearing a cape! <grin>)

 

[byrd1956]

I agree as well that you should tell "your story".

I agree with everyone that has said this.

 

[Addie4TLC]

There will always be insensitive people in the world and most of the time all you can do is ignore them or you make the situation worse and even more sad when they don't realize how their actions hurt. I agree as well that you should share your story and humble your audience. I admire all of you that have special needs children.

 

[janetupnorth]

I'm not defending the use of the words, but remember many of these people grew up where that was common and slang. We didn't have the prevalence of these diagnosis then. My parents are totally NOT racist, but my mother still makes comments that make me cringe. When I confront her with them she says she didn't intend that meaning and often doesn't realize she said it.It's mixed in with language like some people mix in swear words! Not that it makes it right, it just reminds me to have more patience with them and be a little more forgiving until they learn not to use those words.

 

[chefsteph07]

Do you guys really have this problem frequently? I have not had a problem w/ offensive language that I can ever remember...this is really surprising to me!

However, I can see how some of you might be a little more "sensitive" to certain comments, be it about a mentally challenge person, something racial, or whatnot. I do think that if someone calls THEMSELVES a "retard" it is not meant as anything to be taken offensively. If it were "joking", I would even pipe in and say "you mean "mentally challenged", right?" or something like that..

I am blonde and I certainly don't take offense when someone says they had a "blonde moment" or call other people "dumb blondes" or what have you.

I don't think our hosts especially intenally mean to offend us at their parties and I would just try to relax and go w/ the flow and consider it an oversight on their part and move on.

 

[stefani2]

I think sharing a quick little bit about your beautiful daughter during YOUR STORY would be a fabulous idea!

I guess you have to think it out and decide HOW strongly you feel about it. But I DO agree that some people are insensitive and do not feel such a strong meaning behind certain words. it is absolutely NOT meant to offend you because they don't know that your DD has Downes OR that those words are particularily hurtful to you. They just DON"T KNOW (or are not considering their words)

If you ARE gonna say something - then just choose your words carefully. There is nothing wrong with that.

some people just don't understand what they are saying can be so offend-ful to some people - they don't even stop to think about what they are saying...

 

[Cindycooks]

Kelly had a great idea - weave it into your story.
I can't imagine something like this - especially frequently being brought up at a show or how the subject would even come about! I'm sorry you have to hear it and can see how it would be offensive. I have a good friend whose daughter has Downs and we deal with the stares and the ignorance everyday. It is sad. Blessings to you.

 

[DebbieSAChef]

I agree with Janet, I don't think that many times people are trying to be mean or insensitive by saying that word. I don't say it, and my kids are not allowed to say it because I won't allow any words in my home that will belittle, put down or insult another person (dumb, stupid, idiot, moron, etc...) I also don't allow words like (fart, booger, butt, crap, etc...) I don't think it's appropriate language and just feeds my children's sinful tendencies to be foolish.
Anyway, I use my shows to let others know that I love, worship and serve the Lord Jesus Christ. Every guest gets a bible tract and I ask them if they need prayer for anything because I will genuinely and honestly pray for their situations. I have been able to minister to many women this way and the Lord has opened many doors for me to share my faith with hostess'.
I am a christian first before a pc consultant and cannot seperate the two. I get offended when I hear people say things like "shove the bible down their throat," or "don't preach at people." Not offended in a way where I get angry and offensive. I am going to live this way forever, regardless of what people say, but hurt and sad. I am so glad that my husband chose to tell me the message of the gospel boldly and in love so that I would repent and come to know Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I pray the same for others constantly. Every person I meet is a lost soul to me (unless they are believers of course) and need to hear about JESUS before anything else, I don't know how long they will be around.
I usually don't have a problem with offensive language. I mean people who are not born again are going to say things that I used to say. It's normal. But with someone using that particular word and offending you, I would say something like this:
"You know I have a child that has down syndrome and so I get very uncomfortable when that word is used. I don't want to make you feel bad, that's not my intention because I know that word is used alot in our society by so many people who are not directly affected by someone who has down syndrome. I hope you are enjoying this show, what is some good advice you could give me on how I did my presentation? What is your favorite PC tool?"
Then just turn the conversation back to PC, after you mentioned it, and then just turn back into the consultant who is there to do the show. People will not get mad, they will be understanding.

Debbie

 

[DandyG03]

I've run into this problem amoung family and it PMO a lot. To me the R word is right up their with the N word, there IS NO difference IMO. Is it SO hard to use the word stupid or dumb these days lol? I don't mean to come off sound like a debate but I DO think people who use that word mean it to hurt those with disabilties, it's a put down and one of the lowest forms, otherwise why would they say it? Kids say it to insult one another and adults say it to belittle their memory at the moment. Personally I would tell your storry and if someone would say that word politly take them to the side and bring it to their attention. So at least you know you did your part to possible make that pseron think twice next time. I know thats what I would do, imo hey if they have a right to say that word then I have the polite right to vioice my words as well. Thats just me tho and my son has a form of autism so this affects me deeply.

 

[cmdtrgd]

Not trying to condone any misbehavior, but the word "retard" has many definitions. Here is one that is not commonly thought of. Unfortunately, as a race we tend to think of the worst possible outcome first.

re·tard 1
(rĭ-tärd') Pronunciation Key
v. re·tard·ed, re·tard·ing, re·tardsv. tr.
To cause to move or proceed slowly; delay or impede.v. intr.
To be delayed.
So, by using this definition, not being able to open the oven door in an appropriate time could be considered "retarded". Just another thought on the subject.As for the original poster, it sounds like those using these kinds of words may not be aware of this definition. So, to answer your question, put your kid(s) into your story as well as the fact that the may not look different, but need special attention and lots of time.

 

[linojackie]

I am not from a place where swearing is obsolete by any means. However, I do believe those words should be used in the privacy of your own home - if you choose to use it. So, if someone were to use the F word, or DGit, etc., I would probably look at them a little funny. Nothing bothers me more than being somewhere out in public as a family and having someone swear up a storm around my kids. I also get on my husband's case when he slips in public.

BTW, My choice word for when I screw something up is Maroon. I think I got it from Bugs Bunny