Help! How Can I Be Happy 'Bout This?

[cpaylor]

Well, I don't know where to start. My sister got engaged Friday night for a 2nd time - different guy. They are planning an Oct 2008 wedding! They haven't even been dating for 2yrs and hardly ever seem happy. All she seems to do is complain about him. I don't know what she thinks a ring is going to change. I'm happy for her, but we've been through this before. The last one was called off 5 months before the date, which was good b/c he abused her. I just don't know that I can be happy this time around. The worst thing is this is going to be the entire conversation for the next several days. It was the topic for a family dinner tonight. I try to ignore it, but found it hard to not be mean in my comments. I think things are moving way to quick and now she won't finish school (which is another story all together). She is trying to get into the nursing program at the local community college. She's almost 24 and doesn't even have an Associates degree b/c she keeps changing her mind. Any suggestions????? I'll take anything I can get at this point.
She also asked my ds that is 4 to be the ring-bearer, but never asked dh or I - I think that was a little rude since I'll have to pay for my dress and his tux! Guess this gives me a reason to work my business for the next several months. I have to be able to pay this stuff somehow.
I just want to cry :cry: and tell the whole family to leave me alone for a week or so - unfortunately, that can't happen this time of year.
Sorry my ranting is so long, but I had to get it out to someone besides dh.

 

[cmdtrgd]

I know you are feeling helpless, but stay out of it. Her talking to your son without your permission was not cool and you can tell her that and site that you now have to do more shows to pay for a tux he will only wear once. As for the relationship, as long as she is not being physically, emotionally or mentally abused, stay out of it!!! Let her know you are happy that she is happy and that you are there when she needs to talk, a wedding registry and shower.It is hard, but she is an adult and the best way for her to grow up is to make her own decisions and be treated as an adult.As for how long they have been dating, hubby and I met online and talked on the phone that night about marrying each other. We were engaged 2 months later (both 18 yrs old - he was working, I was a freshman in college) and ended up waiting 2 years to get married due to my parents freaking out. We have been married almost 10 years now. Just because you date someone for x amount of time does not mean that you are ready to get married or have an adult relationship.I know I am on my soap box, but I cannot tell you how many people were unsupportive of my engagement because we were both 18, hubby was not going to school (didn't have his HS diploma either because he had to drop out of school and work full time and physically build his house after his dad died of a massive heart attack) and we met online. Everyone thought I would get pregnant 5 times by now and not have finished school and not have as much success as I do now. We now own 2 homes, 4 cars and are very comfortable. I have my degree and no kids yet. I know you love your sister and it comes out in this post, but you have to let her stand on her two feet and be there if she falls.

 

[Grandmarita]

Congratulations, Kate, on proving everyone wrong! Now, for the sister's situation. The length of time a couple dates is no guarantee of how long
they will stay married. My DH and I had our first date on Feb. 7, he proposed by March 27, and we were married on June 26, 1982. That translates to 25 years happily married plus. On the other hand, two very dear friends dated for nine years with many periods of silence and hurt feelings, then married with the typical wedding day JOY, in June 2001. We visited in Feb. 2002,
and all looked great. By Feb. 2003, they were separated and filing for divorce with each party deeply hurt and wounded. Neither had a desire to reconcile. Thankfully, they have long enough engagement to "see the light" and perhaps she will back out before everyone has ordered their outfits. How about renting the little boys outfit, so you don't get stuck with one you might purchase. Check E-Bay for a real bargain if you decide to purchase something close to the date. My son's wife got a white ring bearer's outfit for their four year old son to wear for his Baptism when he was four, and only had to pay about $10 for a three piece set.

I will be praying for you and your sister. More than anything that this will not put you at odds with one another.

 

[ginamkiely]

i also have to agree that the amount of time people are together means anything. my husband and i went on our first date on Jan 23rd and were engaged on Feb 12th... 20 DAYS LATER. lol. we've been married 4 years now and still like each other, kinda.

hopefully it will all work out but you can definitely mention that paying for the tux and dress will hurt, maybe she'd offer to split it or let that be your gift for being in the wedding.

good luck

 

[finley1991]

I'm not sure you asked for advice or were just venting but since others have offered some words, I'll throw my two cents in! And please know, this does come from a loving heart...

It's not about you. If you choose to make it about you, you can and keep making yourself more and more upset... and with that, upsetting your DH, children and other family.

It's her choice and her life. We've ALL done things that others probably don't approve of. It's life.

But it's not about you and maybe that's what you need to keep telling yourself. Making it about you is selfish. It's her life and her decision.

Good luck... say some prayers... take LOTS of deep breaths and you'll get through the next week fabulously and won't say anything that you may regret for years to come. It's not worth it....

PS: My sister married someone of another faith 25 years ago. My parents flipped. My grandmother refused to go to their wedding. Just before she died she said that it was her biggest regret not going. My parents regret their actions as well. The relationship is strained and will never be great. My parents say almost daily, that it wasn't worth it to flip out on her. Their relationship will NEVER NEVER NEVER be what it was. It's a sad way to live life. Please don't make the same mistake with your sister.

 

[cmdtrgd]

Thanks, Grandmarita.I just re-read my post and wanted to make sure you knew that what I said was said from personal frustration as well as love for everyone on this site. We only have a small amount of time with our families, so why get upset over someone else's bad choice that doesn't affect you (very much)?:angel:

 

[MORFIA]

OK---1st date 12-11
engaged 3-15
married 10-16 (less than a year)
1st son 11-21-
2nd 1 year later
the end 3 years later----
100% Greek he is NOT
13 YEARS LATER----still having fun!!!
Kate I am at Milenium too---see you there--

 

[dannyzmom]

I'm not sure you asked for advice or were just venting but since others have offered some words, I'll throw my two cents in! And please know, this does come from a loving heart...

It's not about you. If you choose to make it about you, you can and keep making yourself more and more upset... and with that, upsetting your DH, children and other family.

It's her choice and her life. We've ALL done things that others probably don't approve of. It's life.

But it's not about you and maybe that's what you need to keep telling yourself. Making it about you is selfish. It's her life and her decision.

Good luck... say some prayers... take LOTS of deep breaths and you'll get through the next week fabulously and won't say anything that you may regret for years to come. It's not worth it....

Colleen said EVERYTHING I was going to say -- so she saved me the typing & I can just say "Yeah...what Colleen said!"

 

[sfdavis918]

I also think Colleen's advice was great. If you do feel that you need to say something let your sister know that you are happy for them and wish them much happiness.

One thing that you can and should do, I believe, is to encourage the couple to go to premarriage counseling. It's not like regular counseling. It's more of a third party that encourages discussions on things like how family and finances will be handled. How many kids do you want, who is going to cook and who is going to clean each night, all that kind of stuff that may sound unimportant but is really what makes or breaks a marriage. DH and I did it before we got married (we were engaged for 4 years, together for a total of 6) and there were things that came up that surprised me about him, and vice versa. I think our marriage is all the stronger for it now.

Good Luck, and try to have happy holidays!

 

[Kitchen2u]

12/31/80 BLIND date ~ UGH!

1/7/81 1st REAL date LOL

4/21/81 Engaged!

6/20/81 Got the guts to tell my parents ~ TRADITIONAL Japanese
~ "you're Japanese, marry Japanese" thinking

6/21/81 Moved out ~ too much tension ~ they didn't want me to marry
Robert

9/12/81 Wedding Shower

10/9/81 Bachelor party!!! :yuck: They took him to Lake Tahoe to do some
drinking/gambling...it SNOWED!!!! What were
they thinking? Day before our 10 AM wedding
~ and to Lake Tahoe of all places? Snow...cars...STUCK!!!

10/10/81 5:00 AM I call our duplex (no, didn't live together...virgin
and stayed that way!!! No answer...6:00 AM called
again...my sister answered (she was going to house sit for us)
~ "No, Robert's not here" ~ What the H E _ _? 8:30 AM
guess who calls..."Hi Honey...I'm home" and he sounded like death
warmed over! Couldn't get mad at Robert, he had no idea...I almost
killed his best MEN...he had 2! 10:00 AM wedding! Not a minute
late!

3/16/85 Our darling baby boy Ryan was born

6/14/91 Our precious baby girl Robyn was born (Yep, no mistake, purposely
~ well, I did have 1 miscarriage 3 months before I got PG with
Robyn)

. . . 26+ years later . . . all my aunts/uncles who "told" my Mom "you need to forbid her from marrying him!"

So the "time" of dating...doesn't make a difference to me!

PS: I'm Japanese, Buddhist ~ Robert's African American, Luthern . . . it CAN work! I'm still Buddhist and he's still Luthern!

 

[kspry]

Ginny, that was the oddest post I've read here on ChefSuccess.
And I understood it...looking forward to you posting your 50th anniversary!

 

[Cassie1037]

Good for you Ginny!

 

[stacywhitlow]

I met my husband & had our 1st date exactly 6 months before we married. We also have a blended family & a daughter together. We just celebrated 5 years!

 

[pamperedlinda]

07/15/00 - met on a blind date (I didn't want to go)

12/21/00 - engaged

05/18/01 - married

02/19/02 - DS was born (for those counting....I was induced 3 weeks early!)

We are still married and very happy (a lot of people said we were moving way too fast!)


I understand your concern for your sister and I think it's great that you love her enough to be worried about her. But, you just never know how things will turn out. You can't live your sister's life for her and you don't truly know what is in their hearts. Give them your heartfelt wishes. Pray for them that this is what they both want. Be there for her no matter what happens (and DO NOT ever say "I Told You So" if it doesn't turn out the way she envisioned it would). Don't let their life interfere with yours, live your life for you and let them live theirs.

You just never know......

I didn't mean to sound harsh so please don't take it that way.

 

[Rebeccascabinet]

I agree with Colleen and Linda's advice, so I'll only add one more thing to it and that is...there is not enough love in the world and if she's found someone, I say be happy for her and say lots of prayers for her and her future hubby.

 

[baychef]

Dated for 3 years
Had son 3 years later
12 years later...I was not happy. He is a wonderful man, but I was not happy. Divorced at 40. Now 49, living in sin with someone I love but is not marrying material. It's me, I know, but I am happy and content. So is he.

The same story as the rest. As hard as it is to sit by and watch a loved one make what we may think is a mistake, we must do so and be supportive. If it doesn't work out, continue to be supportive and avoid even the hint of "I told you so" (although your tongue may be bleeding from biting it!!!)

My parents have no wedding pictures, were married in a chapel and my Dad made to sign a paper that we would be raised Catholic. He was 20 and Protestant. My Mom, just 16 and about 6 1/2 months later had my brother. My great grandmother commented how it would never work out to her at her "reception" (a dinner with family). My mother made a VOW to herself that it would work out. Did they experience hard times? You bet and many of them. They celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary this past May.

Your sister may be 24 but she sounds like she is in the process of still growing up. She is probably like most of us and has to make mistakes to learn in life. Just love her and support her through thick and thin. You will never regret it!

 

[rennea]

I'm not sure you asked for advice or were just venting but since others have offered some words, I'll throw my two cents in! And please know, this does come from a loving heart...

It's not about you. If you choose to make it about you, you can and keep making yourself more and more upset... and with that, upsetting your DH, children and other family.

It's her choice and her life. We've ALL done things that others probably don't approve of. It's life.

But it's not about you and maybe that's what you need to keep telling yourself. Making it about you is selfish. It's her life and her decision.

Good luck... say some prayers... take LOTS of deep breaths and you'll get through the next week fabulously and won't say anything that you may regret for years to come. It's not worth it.....

I couldn't say it any better

 

[lkprescott]

Sounds like you've gotten some great advice already! I'll just add that sometimes it's painful to see someone we love heading toward a 'cliff of life'... we shout, they smile and gleefully keep on in that direction... we wonder 'why can't they see it'... we can... but usually cuz, we had to fall off that cliff first... we see it and recognize it because of that and sometimes the way for them to see it is to live it too. I remember seeing my eldest niece at her wedding... worrying about this man she just married and hoping they'd find their peace together. Two kids and many problems later they're divorcing... I could have warned her, worried for her, told her 'see that cliff?' and her reply was 'we'll be okay'... now I hold her, cry with her and help her find strength to get through all this and more... and the cycle continues as she worries about her younger sisters... We learn best by living and experiencing... sometimes we get it by seeing examples but sometimes, we've gotta fall down and get back up to 'get it'. The best you can do is be there for her... don't ever say 'I told you so'... don't catch her when she stumbles, but be there to let her know she's not alone and that she's still loved... and who knows? This may all work out fabulously for her in the end... only she can decide that, eh?

 

[pamperedlinda]

Thanks Lisa - I used to know that 'cliff of life' pretty well!

 

[baychef]

I believe we all have to visit there and be helped back up by a caring, loving and forgiving person (whether it be family or friend). It's practice for us to be the one to help the next one that we know that is going to go over that cliff. And if it works out...then we ALL celebrate.
My mother watched her younger sister marry two men that at one time or another abused her either physically and/or verbally. Six children later, she eventually divorced and chose to not re-marry. We took in our cousins now and again at times and my mother stood by her, gave her advise when asked and tried to help with the children when she could. The kids are all grown and doing fine in life. My mother and her sister are close. Despite her repeated stupid mistakes that sometimes involved the children.

 

[chefdiana2007]

I have lived it with my brother. Just pray, take a deep breathe and be there to support her no matter what. I know you are just venting.
Hey, I met my DH in the ER, I was the nurse on duty, helped the Doc sew his leg up. He used to tell people I got his pants off the first time I saw him, true, he wouldn't let me cut them up the side, they were new. We met Aug 1982, engaged Oct 1982, married May 82, 1st boy 2/84 and 2nd 12/91. We have had our share of bumps, we still like each other and have a great time together. 25 plus years.

 

[cmdtrgd]

We met Aug 1982, engaged Oct 1982, married May 82, 1st boy 2/84 and 2nd 12/91. We have had our share of bumps, we still like each other and have a great time together. 25 plus years.

Wow....married before you met!!!

 

[cpaylor]

Thanks everyone! This is the first time I've been on since I posted last week due to the holidays - wow! Re-reading my post, I think I was asking for advice and venting a little too. I have calmed down some, but bite my tongue often over the past several days and vented to dh hubby later. Actually, I think he has done as much venting as I have. He sees my sister as his sister - we've been together for 12 yrs and married for 7! Someone mentioned counseling - we are Catholic and she plans to be married Catholic, so they will have to attend some classes and counseling. That's were the 1st engagement fell apart. I just hope we don't get to that point again - it was tough and now I have a 4yr old to explain it to.
I have said many prayers over the past few days and many deep breaths. And there are many of both left to come!
Thanks everyone - I really appreciate it! I know I have to make this about them, but it's hard when he thinks it's all about him! I will keep you posted and let you know how it's going. I'm sure I'll be back to vent and get more advice before October gets here.

 

[baychef]

We will be there for you, just as you and your DH will be there for your sister. Be grateful that if the wedding falls apart that it does so before they walk down the aisle. And honestly, your four year old will remember more important things in his life than this, if they do call it off. It may seem difficult in the moment, but he will move on better than the adults, if they don't actually make it to the alter.