Feeling Unappreciated: My Bf of 5 Years Never Buys Me Gifts

[Humble Beginnings]

Ok I just have to get it off my chest. Yesterday was my birthday, my boyfriend of 5 years never gets me anything. He took me and my DD's to dinner but that's it. I got a card that he bought last minute. Every year I drop hints, this year was WII fit and to top it off he knows how much I'm excited about my new business. He couldn't even offer to ask "well is there something you need for that", I'm 75.00 short to qualify even that would have been a great gift. I'm not materialistic I know it's the thought that counts but it really bothers me. He is very frugal with his money, I could write a book about it, and it's rare for him to splurge on me or anything else. In the beginning it didn't bother me but the longer we are together it does, I can expect no gifts ever, no vacations, no anything. Does anyone have a DH or DB that is the same way. Am I asking for too much?

 

[PChefPEI]

No, you are NOT asking for too much! My DH is the same. He doesn't even get me anything for our anniversary, although he used to for both! We are on shaky ground right now, but that's no excuse.

My suggestion would be to go with your gut. See where else in your life you feel he's not "giving". This may bother you more at birthdays, but does he miss giving you affection/compliments the rest of the time?

....I know how you feel....it sucks!

 

[KellyTheChef]

Awww...that stinks!

I guess I have to give you the same advice that I tell my DSD...once you are married, those things don't magically change for the better! If he isn't into gifts and frivolity NOW...don't expect him to be LATER.

The other thing I might add is this: have you ever sat down and discussed this with him? I know DH and I were brought up in VERY different homes, and it has caused some hard feelings unintentionally. We all act according to what WE feel is the "norm."

Growing up, my dad was NOT a nice father....nor a good DH to my mom. So- when birthdays and other occasions came up where my bro and I had to get him a card, we would pick out a "funny" one. I felt like a hypocrite if I gave him some lovey-dovey-you-are-the-best-dad-in-the-world card! Fast forward to DH and I's first big occasion. He buys me a FUNNY card! (Why? cuz he doesn't love me? No....because he's a funny guy and liked the card and thought it would make me laugh!) I am sitting there BAWLING and the poor guy doesn't have a CLUE what the heck is going on! Now that we have discussed it, two changes have happened: (1) Most of the time, he will buy me two cards...one "lovey" one and one "funny" one and (2) I am totally OK if he buys me only a funny card, cuz I know his heart and he's not buying that card for the same reason I used to buy my dad funny cards.

All of this to say: He may not realize the importance of feeling special by him "blowing" some money on you! Even though he is frugal, couldn't he budget to spend $$ on you so that YOU feel loved and cherished?

Talk to him during a time when you are both calm and not upset with each other, so you can get your point across and hopefully you guys will come out in the end with a better understanding of each other!

 

[PChefPEI]

Very good advice Kelly! I can use it too....thanks!

 

[itsjustCarla]

My hubby was raised by a father that didn't acknowledge my MIL's birthday, anniversary, holidays, nothing. He didn't buy her a Christmas gift ever until I joined the family and did his shopping for him. I thought that after seeing so many years of hurt from his mom he would know better.......NOT. He didn't know that what his dad did wasn't 'normal'. He truly didn't know any better. We've talked and reached compromises...and now he's setting a better example for our sons.

Kelly's right. You have to talk to him and don't expect him to change, but he won't even make an effort if he doesn't know it is an issue.

 

[Chef Michelle D]

Kelly that is great advise, I was going to say the same thing. Before you go further with him you need to tell him how you feel. I can understand not going out to eat all the time or going shopping just because but buying gifts for birthdays, Christmas and other hollidays should be expected. That being said I don't think there has to be a $$ amount attached to that. You said you wanted WII fit but he may not want to spend that much money and that should be okay as long as he gets you something. Being frugal is at times a good thing with the price of gas at over $4.00 a gallon and the price of everything going up he may not want to spend a lot of money on holiday gifts.

Do you buy him birthday gifts and other holiday gifts? Does he get excited when you give him something? You need to get to the bottom of this before you move on. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[raebates]

I'm going to second Kelly's advice. My own sweet, wonderful Furry Guy came from a family where birthdays are barely acknowledged. I learned long ago not to hint. I start reminding him about a month before my birthday that my birthday is just __ weeks away. I remind him regularly. I don't say, "Gee, isn't that [whatever] nice?" I say, "That [whatever] would be a really good thing to get me for my birthday. It's only ___ days away, you know."Now, we don't spend lots on gifts at our house, so the things I suggest are never expensive. Well, I occasionally joke that something like a new car would be an excellent gift, but he knows I'm joking.It's not wrong to be upset that you feel slighted. Sitting down and discussing this at a time when you're both calm can work well.I'll also echo her assertion that it's not going to get better on its own. If you want things to change, you'll need to convince him that it's in his best interest to change his habits.As for The Furry Guy, talking to him about love languages worked well. He was telling me he loved me by keeping my car in good running order, making sure our home was in good repair, etc. That's his love language--acts of service. I was buying him little gifts and telling him how wonderful he is. Those are my love languages--gifts and words of praise.Just like learning another spoken language, it takes time and effort to learn to speak each other's love language. However, it's really worth it.

 

[Shawnna]

I can only agree with the advice already given. But, I will say most of the time guys will buy you things, open doors, take you out, etc. when you are dating, but once you get married those things change...not because they love you less, but because we settle into a routine and they/we aren't trying to impress each other anymore. However, my husband rarely buys gifts for any occasion and he Christmas shops on Christmas Eve. He is very busy and time gets away from him. So, when he misses my birthday/anniversary/Valentines Day or any other holiday that he should be getting me a gift, I wait about a week and then if he still hasn't given me something I go get what I want myself...and it usually costs a lot more than if he had just bought a gift...lol He knows this will happen and it seems to be perfectly acceptable to him...guys are funny that way. But, because we are married our money is together in one account, so I can truthfully say "see what you bought me for my birthday" or "oh, thank you for this nice diamond bracelet you bought me for my birthday". For those who are dating or who are married and don't share an account, I don't know how that would work for you.

My suggestion would be to talk to him...calmly and lovingly...about how you feel. We can't change people and it won't get better after you are married. And, you have to remember that guys don't think like girls do when it comes to that sort of thing. They show their love in different ways.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I'm going to second Kelly's advice. My own sweet, wonderful Furry Guy came from a family where birthdays are barely acknowledged. I learned long ago not to hint. I start reminding him about a month before my birthday that my birthday is just __ weeks away. I remind him regularly. I don't say, "Gee, isn't that [whatever] nice?" I say, "That [whatever] would be a really good thing to get me for my birthday. It's only ___ days away, you know."

Now, we don't spend lots on gifts at our house, so the things I suggest are never expensive. Well, I occasionally joke that something like a new car would be an excellent gift, but he knows I'm joking.

It's not wrong to be upset that you feel slighted. Sitting down and discussing this at a time when you're both calm can work well.

I'll also echo her assertion that it's not going to get better on its own. If you want things to change, you'll need to convince him that it's in his best interest to change his habits.

As for The Furry Guy, talking to him about love languages worked well. He was telling me he loved me by keeping my car in good running order, making sure our home was in good repair, etc. That's his love language--acts of service. I was buying him little gifts and telling him how wonderful he is. Those are my love languages--gifts and words of praise.

Just like learning another spoken language, it takes time and effort to learn to speak each other's love language. However, it's really worth it.

Awww...that stinks!

I guess I have to give you the same advice that I tell my DSD...once you are married, those things don't magically change for the better! If he isn't into gifts and frivolity NOW...don't expect him to be LATER.

The other thing I might add is this: have you ever sat down and discussed this with him? I know DH and I were brought up in VERY different homes, and it has caused some hard feelings unintentionally. We all act according to what WE feel is the "norm."

Growing up, my dad was NOT a nice father....nor a good DH to my mom. So- when birthdays and other occasions came up where my bro and I had to get him a card, we would pick out a "funny" one. I felt like a hypocrite if I gave him some lovey-dovey-you-are-the-best-dad-in-the-world card! Fast forward to DH and I's first big occasion. He buys me a FUNNY card! (Why? cuz he doesn't love me? No....because he's a funny guy and liked the card and thought it would make me laugh!) I am sitting there BAWLING and the poor guy doesn't have a CLUE what the heck is going on! Now that we have discussed it, two changes have happened: (1) Most of the time, he will buy me two cards...one "lovey" one and one "funny" one and (2) I am totally OK if he buys me only a funny card, cuz I know his heart and he's not buying that card for the same reason I used to buy my dad funny cards.

All of this to say: He may not realize the importance of feeling special by him "blowing" some money on you! Even though he is frugal, couldn't he budget to spend $$ on you so that YOU feel loved and cherished?

Talk to him during a time when you are both calm and not upset with each other, so you can get your point across and hopefully you guys will come out in the end with a better understanding of each other!

I tried, but I seriously couldn't have said it any better than these two ladies did!

I will add that DH and I are studying LOVE in the bible- and it is really opening our eyes to try and not focus so much on what we don't get from our spouses and instead, focusing on the good things that we do get from our spouses (kids, friends, family)- so instead of focusing on this one thing he's bad at, follow the advice from the quoted posters above- and then start making a list of the great qualities he has...

if you focus on the one or two things that drive you nuts- your relationship will never last or be a miserable one...if you focus on the good and build on it- you will have success and more peace and happiness...

Happy Be-lated birthday by the way !

 

[rennea]

I think Kelly has given some great advice. Rae I think your "love language" is super sweet and right on!!!

Funny my DH always shows his affection, love and appreciation for me. I receive flowers almost weekly and he is always sweet on V-day, Christmas, B-days and anniversary's. But he has never been good at gift giving for his family. His brother doesn't even buy cards for his parents on birthdays, Christmas, etc.

 

[KellyTheChef]

The Five Love Languages (Rae mentioned these) is a great book! It opened my eyes to what *I* need to "fill up my tank" and what *DH* needs from me to "fill up his tank". I love acts of service (help me clean the house, make me dinner!) and words of affirmation....DH loves TIME SPENT with him. That reminds me...I need to ask him if there's a movie he wants to watch, and then go watch it with him. Just being in the same room with him (we can easily end up me upstairs on the puter, him downstairs on the puter) helps him to feel loved and sometimes I forget to put an effort into spending time with him!

Check out that book from the library! It's by Gary Chapman...

 

[raebates]

Thanks, Rennea, but the love languages aren't exactly mine. There are wonderful books out there by Gary Chapman. The basics are in The Five Love Languages. There is also a book about teens. I think there are others, too. They're great.Warning: these books do come from a Christian/Biblical viewpoint. Just wanted to warn anyone who might be considering the books but doesn't agree with that basis.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Just to add to what Kelly and Rae have said.....(and Kelly - your story about the funny card, and your DH is exactly what happened in my marriage too! And DH solved it the same way - I often get two cards now too!)

There is a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman....and it was a real eye opener for DH and I, because our love languages are completely different. So, I was speaking to him, and doing things for him that were in my love languages - the things that spoke "love" to me....and they weren't doing a thing for him. He was doing the same for me. Once we read that book, we realized that we needed to work on speaking each others "languages". It's a great book, and easy to read. The amazing thing about it is that I was all into me - thinking he just never showed me he loved me.....and he was thinking the same about me!

Check out this website:

The Five Love Languages

 

[KellyTheChef]

Just to add to what Kelly and Rae have said.....(and Kelly - your story about the funny card, and your DH is exactly what happened in my marriage too! And DH solved it the same way - I often get two cards now too!)

There is a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman....and it was a real eye opener for DH and I, because our love languages are completely different. So, I was speaking to him, and doing things for him that were in my love languages - the things that spoke "love" to me....and they weren't doing a thing for him. He was doing the same for me. Once we read that book, we realized that we needed to work on speaking each others "languages". It's a great book, and easy to read. The amazing thing about it is that I was all into me - thinking he just never showed me he loved me.....and he was thinking the same about me!

Check out this website:

The Five Love Languages

Thanks, Rennea, but the love languages aren't exactly mine. There are wonderful books out there by Gary Chapman. The basics are in The Five Love Languages. There is also a book about teens. I think there are others, too. They're great.

Warning: these books do come from a Christian/Biblical viewpoint. Just wanted to warn anyone who might be considering the books but doesn't agree with that basis.

Um...I think three great minds think alike!

Becky~ That is funny that you all had the same thing happen! I will have to tell DH, cuz he still thinks I am a bit of a nut for crying over a funny card! At least now I can say there's one other crazy PC lady out there like me who took offense to a funny (rather than romantic) card!!


BTW- Carol, I never said HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! sorry!

 

[Humble Beginnings]

Kelly that is great advise, I was going to say the same thing. Before you go further with him you need to tell him how you feel. I can understand not going out to eat all the time or going shopping just because but buying gifts for birthdays, Christmas and other hollidays should be expected. That being said I don't think there has to be a $$ amount attached to that. You said you wanted WII fit but he may not want to spend that much money and that should be okay as long as he gets you something. Being frugal is at times a good thing with the price of gas at over $4.00 a gallon and the price of everything going up he may not want to spend a lot of money on holiday gifts.

Do you buy him birthday gifts and other holiday gifts? Does he get excited when you give him something? You need to get to the bottom of this before you move on. Good luck and keep us posted.

There's not much talking with him on the subject of money. We have had this issue for awhile. He thinks taking me out to dinner is good enough. He does buy me a xmas gift just very small and really no thought put into it. As far as his birthday's I do try to get him a gift but for the last couple of years, he shows no appreciation for it. This year I offered to buy him tickets for a motorcycle race in WI. He wasn't sure if he was going with his buddies or not. So I thought why not make a day of it, my treat Well, needless to say at the 11th hour his buddy decides to go and I get kicked out. His response was "I never said I wasn't going with him, you just assumed". Xmas was bad too, I bought him a nice pair of shoes and some clothes. He needed shoes and won't buy them for himself, he looked at me like I had 3 heads. I don't like buying anything because he is so unappreciated about it.
The hard part of all of this, is he does treat me right, gives me hugs and kisses pretty much everyday, likes to spend time with me whether shopping or going to the movies, loves my kids and is great with them and helps around the house. There's alot more I can talk about. I know I have to look at what is important to me and I know everyone is not perfect but with him I don't think it has anything to do with his household he is just "cheap" unless it's for him, and his motorcycle.

 

[AnnieBee]

Carol, I feel so bad for you, but also agree with Kelly about calmly letting him know how you feel - that you feel unloved and an unappreciated by him when he isn't willing to "splurge" a little on you for a special occasion. So often we think that it is soooo obvious what we would like from someone, but they are clueless!! He may be feeling, well she knows money is tight and understands that because I love her, I want to help us to do OK financially". Or maybe not, but who knows, without asking!!??

One thing I have learned, is that it is not fair to have expectations from anyone, if they don't know what those expectations are! (And believe me, I say this with many relationships in mind - not just romantic ones!! Work, church, parent/child, friends, and many more). And maybe you have already done this. I certainly am not meaning to put the "blame" on you for this, only to help you figure out what you CAN do to get things to change for the better. He certainly doesn't seem to have treated you very well - at least in this area. By which I mean, I have no idea how much he fixes things, talks to you, helps around the house etc etc...

I just have to add that I totally agree with Rae about the "love languages" thing. For those of you who don't know, there is a book called "The Five love Languages" which talks about the different ways that people show love, for example, gift giving, acts of service, words (can't remember the others!!).

Unfortunately, people usually SHOW love in the language that they would like to RECEIVE it, not in the way that the person they love would like to receive it - it frequently ends up in big-time mis-communication along the lines of "if you loved me you would..." or "you must not love me because you never...". But the other person may be trying to show you love in a way you are just not seeing.

The book also talk alot about broken relationships, and how being the first one to really try to show the other person love in their language (even when you don't feel like it) can make a HUGE difference in both the relationship and how the person responds to you.

Anyway, I highly recommend the book!! (NOTE: It is written from a Christian perspective, but really is appropriate and can be applied to anyway, regardless of faith, if you want to understand your loved ones better and relate to them in a way that they will understand).

 

[AnnieBee]

OK, I spent too long writing my post!! Great minds...

 

[Humble Beginnings]

Thank you for the great advice everyone! It really made me think. Thanks again!

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Um...I think three great minds think alike!

Becky~ That is funny that you all had the same thing happen! I will have to tell DH, cuz he still thinks I am a bit of a nut for crying over a funny card! At least now I can say there's one other crazy PC lady out there like me who took offense to a funny (rather than romantic) card!!

I thought it was funny - because still to this day, I have to find a funny or more generic card for my dad. I want to respect him as my dad....but I have a hard time finding a card that will work!


Oh - and my top love language is Affirmation, DH's top love language is Acts of Service. So for him, it was enough to DO things for me.....for me, if I did things for him...I wanted him to tell me how much he appreciated it....so it was a vicious cycle there for a while. I didn't feel appreciated, so I stopped doing - and he felt like here he was doing all of these loving things for me (like changing the oil on my car, and emptying the dishwasher.....) and I wasn't reciprocating at all! Now he understands that he needs to say thanks, and great job, and way to go and things like that (and it's hard for him, because he comes from a very stoic family where you don't give compliments or anything) and I have come to realize that simple things like running errands for him so he doesn't have to, makes him feel loved.

 

[etteluap70PC]

Ok I just have to get it off my chest. Yesterday was my birthday, my boyfriend of 5 years never gets me anything. He took me and my DD's to dinner but that's it. I got a card that he bought last minute. Every year I drop hints, this year was WII fit and to top it off he knows how much I'm excited about my new business. He couldn't even offer to ask "well is there something you need for that", I'm 75.00 short to qualify even that would have been a great gift. I'm not materialistic I know it's the thought that counts but it really bothers me. He is very frugal with his money, I could write a book about it, and it's rare for him to splurge on me or anything else. In the beginning it didn't bother me but the longer we are together it does, I can expect no gifts ever, no vacations, no anything. Does anyone have a DH or DB that is the same way. Am I asking for too much?

Um... Yeah... My Dh has gotten better over time. He really comes thru though about every 3 years.

I have never gotten a card (waste of money) the only flowers I have gotten were a hanging basket for outside and a mum plant. DH cannot spend money on cut flowers.

 

[pamperedbecky]

Carol,
Happy belated birthday! And I'm so sorry to hear about the disappointment with your boyfriend. That really stinks. You've gotten some awesome advice here, so I hope something is helpful for you.

 

[KellyTheChef]

Um... Yeah... My Dh has gotten better over time. He really comes thru though about every 3 years.

I have never gotten a card (waste of money) the only flowers I have gotten were a hanging basket for outside and a mum plant. DH cannot spend money on cut flowers.

Funny...the older I get the more I think that cards and cut flowers ARE a waste of money. I tell DH that if he wants to get me flowers, NOT to do it on Valentine's day (RIP-OFF!!) but to do it some other "just for no reason" day. That hasn't really happened, but I just cringe when I think of what I could do with that $40 or $50 if he does it on V day!

So....seems like I AM changing to be more like my DH!! lol

 

[etteluap70PC]

Funny...the older I get the more I think that cards and cut flowers ARE a waste of money. I tell DH that if he wants to get me flowers, NOT to do it on Valentine's day (RIP-OFF!!) but to do it some other "just for no reason" day. That hasn't really happened, but I just cringe when I think of what I could do with that $40 or $50 if he does it on V day!

So....seems like I AM changing to be more like my DH!! lol

Yeah... I just try to appreciate my DH for who he is. He does not party or cheat on me. I have never been a hunting or fishing widdow, so I really can not complain. He takes verry good care of us and is a good dad and spends lots of time with his kids.

When I get to feeling frustrated with my DH I think of all the good he does and how much worse I could have it.

 

[cathyskitchen]

Carol - my hubby is very frugal (it comes from a long line of frugal men in his family!), and I learned this early on in our relationship, too. In order to keep myself from being disappointed at every holiday, I decided to sit him down and discuss what holidays we would buy each other gifts, what was an acceptable gift (or monetary range) and when we would NOT do gifts, just cards. We have come down to just birthdays and Christmas as gift-giving times, and cards for pretty-much everything else. Valentine's Day he'll get me some cheap flowers from the grocery store, but at least he thought of me. And, since we had kids, he's been "sponsoring" a massage for me for Mother's Day (which I skipped this year to help save money).

I have to say, for me, having a frugal hubby is probably a good thing. If we were both spending money like crazy, then we'd be in deep trouble. So, although sometimes it's disappointing, it's nice to have someone to balance you out sometimes (at least it is for me!). If you tell him in plain language what is acceptable to you (and you reciprocate equally for his birthday), then maybe you can move forward. I learned long ago never to assume my hubby has heard ANY hints or suggestions. If I don't write it down in black and white for him, he has absolutely NO clue!!! GL and Happy Birthday!

 

[cathyskitchen]

Yeah... I just try to appreciate my DH for who he is. He does not party or cheat on me. I have never been a hunting or fishing widdow, so I really can not complain. He takes verry good care of us and is a good dad and spends lots of time with his kids.

When I get to feeling frustrated with my DH I think of all the good he does and how much worse I could have it.

Paulette - I feel EXACTLY the same way! My hubby is good to us and his frugality keeps us in the 'black' and from being in the poor house (we're also in good shape for the kids' college and retirement b/c of him!). Those things mean more than a pair of earrings on my Bday any day .

 

[chefann]

You might need to sit down and discuss your personal beliefs about various gift-giving events, too. I don't tend to remember to send birthday cards or get gifts for birthdays because my personal belief is that one you're over 18, birthdays are pointless. (Who wants to celebrate being stuck on this planet another year, anyway?) I don't mean to imply that your boyfriend doesn't celebrate birthdays, but they may not have the same significance to him as to you.

 

[Humble Beginnings]

I can see everyone's point, but he doesn't share anything financial with me. He has his own house and own bills, doesnt' even pay for groceries even though he eats here. I was married before and yes my ex husband wasn't so great at gifts either, but I saw it as us building a future together so it made sense at times. (Even after divorce, ex got me a gift from our girls to me, I got a starbucks card) With him I'm not so sure... yes 5 years later, we have a lot of issues surrounding money, lets say I had a lot and now I don't. So again if it was a goal together I might understand better but at this time I think I'm just trying to find another reason why this may not be for me. Sorry didn't mean to vent somemore.

 

[wadesgirl]

Guys don't understand "hints". You have to come right out and tell them what you want. Most of the time, DH will just give me money to buy something for myself for my bday. Not because he's lazy but I never know what I want so if he gives me money, I can go shopping, save it for something else, etc. Last year, he gave me money to go towards my bday sale I was doing for PC and it allowed me to buy even more products on my host order at a discount. You just have to tell him what you want. DH doesn't really give me cards, he also thinks they are a waste of money. I think they are the same but I also think they are thoughtful especially when I can tell he picked out the perfect card for me. He has given me flowers 1 in the 5 1/2 years we have been together. It was because I had a bad day at work and he thought of me when he stopped at the store. This has all come from talking to each other. I know not to surprise him with much for his bday or Christmas because it may not be something he wants but if he surprises me with something, I think it's thoughtful!

 

[Chef Michelle D]

You say he doesn't give you money for food but he eats at your house? I wouldn't go for that with the price of food right now. Have you ever asked for money or gone shopping together and say can you buy ___ (this) for my house since you eat here so much? It sounds like he wants it all but doesn't want to pay for it. I really think before this relationship goes any further you need to have a sit down with him. Do you even know how much money he makes at his job or how much money he has saved? If he is not spending any money on you or food I am sure he has a heafty savings account. If he wants a futhure with you then these are things you need to discuss.

Has he ever been married before? Does he have kids of his own? You said he is great with your kids which is great and I am sure you love him but is that enough for you?

Good luck.

 

[katie0128]

I can see everyone's point, but he doesn't share anything financial with me. He has his own house and own bills, doesnt' even pay for groceries even though he eats here. I was married before and yes my ex husband wasn't so great at gifts either, but I saw it as us building a future together so it made sense at times. (Even after divorce, ex got me a gift from our girls to me, I got a starbucks card) With him I'm not so sure... yes 5 years later, we have a lot of issues surrounding money, lets say I had a lot and now I don't. So again if it was a goal together I might understand better but at this time I think I'm just trying to find another reason why this may not be for me. Sorry didn't mean to vent somemore.

Do you mean that this relationship "may not be for me"?

And don't apologize for venting... everyone needs an outlet and this is a good place to vent and get LOTS of different view points.

 

[Shawnna]

Sounds like you have a lot to sort through...I'm sorry. Guys don't think like we do...of course not all guys are the same, but in general they don't think like we do. If he has his own house and his own bills and takes care of his stuff, but doesn't help you with food when he eats there, I say quit cooking for him. If he wants dinner say "where would you like to take me". Guys like to be spoiled and if you keep doing it he learns to expect it. Are you talking about marriage? Is you planning on a joint account or is it "his money and her money"? If its seperate you definately need to have guidelines on who is going to pay for what.

I am sorry you are having so much trouble. Don't worry about venting to us. That is what friends are for. We all need to vent sometimes. Lately I seem to be venting all the time...and my DH isn't too happy about it.

 

[Humble Beginnings]

You say he doesn't give you money for food but he eats at your house? I wouldn't go for that with the price of food right now. Have you ever asked for money or gone shopping together and say can you buy ___ (this) for my house since you eat here so much? It sounds like he wants it all but doesn't want to pay for it. I really think before this relationship goes any further you need to have a sit down with him. Do you even know how much money he makes at his job or how much money he has saved? If he is not spending any money on you or food I am sure he has a heafty savings account. If he wants a futhure with you then these are things you need to discuss.

Has he ever been married before? Does he have kids of his own? You said he is great with your kids which is great and I am sure you love him but is that enough for you?

Good luck.

I did ask awhile back for him to chip in a pay at least 50.00 for the groceries and it turned into a big deal. He thinks by buying milk eggs and bread that's all he can do. I argue well your here so much if you were at home you would have to buy more than just milk eggs etc. He goes shopping with me all the time, I love to cook and with me and the girls I can spend up to 300+ a month if not more sometimes. Always seems DD's friends are over and love to eat dinner with us.
I know how much he makes it's not much but I know he could give more than he does. He pays ziltch, no electricity no water nothing. He uses the excuse that he has his own bills to pay, which is true but how much could they really be. As far as savings, he does not discuss that with me, he usually goes around the question. He was married before and has 2 kids of his own, that I love like my own. When they come for the weekend I use to make sure the house was stocked with all their favorites. I stopped doing that only a few months ago and make him do it now. In regards to the kids, and if that's enough I think that is what I'm questioning. He has made it clear he isn't going to marry me and likes the way things are now. I did break up with him last year for all the reasons above plus the fact that we weren't moving forward, but for whatever reason I went back.

 

[Humble Beginnings]

Do you mean that this relationship "may not be for me"?

And don't apologize for venting... everyone needs an outlet and this is a good place to vent and get LOTS of different view points.

Thank you everyone.

 

[wadesgirl]

I can see everyone's point, but he doesn't share anything financial with me. He has his own house and own bills, doesnt' even pay for groceries even though he eats here. I was married before and yes my ex husband wasn't so great at gifts either, but I saw it as us building a future together so it made sense at times. (Even after divorce, ex got me a gift from our girls to me, I got a starbucks card) With him I'm not so sure... yes 5 years later, we have a lot of issues surrounding money, lets say I had a lot and now I don't. So again if it was a goal together I might understand better but at this time I think I'm just trying to find another reason why this may not be for me. Sorry didn't mean to vent somemore.

Don't worry about venting! That's what we are here for.

I think maybe (honestly) you need to do some soul searching and see if maybe the gift giving thing isn't the source of the problem but maybe just the tip of the tree.

 

[etteluap70PC]

I can see everyone's point, but he doesn't share anything financial with me. He has his own house and own bills, doesnt' even pay for groceries even though he eats here. I was married before and yes my ex husband wasn't so great at gifts either, but I saw it as us building a future together so it made sense at times. (Even after divorce, ex got me a gift from our girls to me, I got a starbucks card) With him I'm not so sure... yes 5 years later, we have a lot of issues surrounding money, lets say I had a lot and now I don't. So again if it was a goal together I might understand better but at this time I think I'm just trying to find another reason why this may not be for me. Sorry didn't mean to vent somemore.

Carol, I can totally understand the extra uncertainty since you do not have the comitment of a marriage. It does make things different especially since you do not live together. I suggest if you are having so many questions that you sit down and have a heart to heart with your BF. I had to do this with my DH before we got married. 1 1/2 years into living together he got very wierd and distant, just wasnt acting like himself. I made myself nuts for months when I finally said to heck with being miserable and confronted him. Turns out he was used to relationships falling appart at that point so he was distancing himself just in case. I told him to snap out of it and he did. He was back to his normal loving self. So you just never know what is going on with them...

Late Happy birthday!
And remember your life is what you make it! If you are unhappy it is up to you to change it!

 

[etteluap70PC]

He has made it clear he isn't going to marry me and likes the way things are now. I did break up with him last year for all the reasons above plus the fact that we weren't moving forward, but for whatever reason I went back.

My Mom has been a few relationships like that and they have always made her miserable in the end. I tell her repeatedly to GET OUT!!! She doesn't listen then I have to listen to all her heartache!

 

[Humble Beginnings]

And remember your life is what you make it! If you are unhappy it is up to you to change it!

This is so true! I need to figure out what I want and fix it. Sitting here thinking about it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

 

[etteluap70PC]

And remember your life is what you make it! If you are unhappy it is up to you to change it!

This is so true! I need to figure out what I want and fix it. Sitting here thinking about it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

You GO Girl!!!

 

[wadesgirl]

I did ask awhile back for him to chip in a pay at least 50.00 for the groceries and it turned into a big deal. He thinks by buying milk eggs and bread that's all he can do. I argue well your here so much if you were at home you would have to buy more than just milk eggs etc. He goes shopping with me all the time, I love to cook and with me and the girls I can spend up to 300+ a month if not more sometimes. Always seems DD's friends are over and love to eat dinner with us.
I know how much he makes it's not much but I know he could give more than he does. He pays ziltch, no electricity no water nothing. He uses the excuse that he has his own bills to pay, which is true but how much could they really be. As far as savings, he does not discuss that with me, he usually goes around the question. He was married before and has 2 kids of his own, that I love like my own. When they come for the weekend I use to make sure the house was stocked with all their favorites. I stopped doing that only a few months ago and make him do it now. In regards to the kids, and if that's enough I think that is what I'm questioning. He has made it clear he isn't going to marry me and likes the way things are now. I did break up with him last year for all the reasons above plus the fact that we weren't moving forward, but for whatever reason I went back.

If you are not okay with this "arrangement" (with any of it: food, bills, marriage, etc), you should sit down and talk to him. If you wait too long you may start to (or already do) resent him for these things.

 

[smspamperedchef]

I think you are already doing some "soul searching" right now. I think you may have already "found" your answers just by posting here and listening to all of us. In my own opinion (take it or leave it) it sounds like you want more from him. Not even necessarily gifts on birthdays, etc. It just tends to more come to the surface on special days. It doesn't sound like he is even willing to give you more and if he already made it clear about no marriage then what is it you are looking for? If you are eventually wanting to get married again (to anyone) and he isn't interested then I would say move on. Try and talk with him first about how you feel and if he's not willing to budge then that may be your sign. Especially since he has such a hard time chipping in financially. It sounds too easy for him and you are making it that way for him. We all want/need to be loved and cherished and if he's not giving that to you in ways you need to be loved/cherished and if he doesn't want to change that then move on.

 

[DebbieSAChef]

Well it seems you are not happy. You must be taking him back for some reason. What is that reason? I mean really, we all need to weigh the pros and cons of relationships we have in our lives. He has told you that he does not plan to marry you, because he likes the ways things are now.
You need to ask yourself "Is that ok with you?"
Do you never plan to remarry? Is this arrangement ok with you, forever?" If the answer is yes, then you do have to sit down and get serious about talking these things out. No one ever has to settle for whatever situation they are in. There is always change that can happen, I'm not saying he will change but your circumstances can change. And if that means you change him being in your life, you need to figure that out.
If the answer was no to you being ok about your arrangement, maybe you need to discuss that too. Tell him how you feel.
My DH is very frugal as well but he loves me and I remember when we first got married. Things were extremely tight on finances and he constantly kept me on budget with everything. One day just out of the blue he took me to the Grey Moss Inn here in town. It is the most romantic, delicious, expensive restaurant in town (in my book anyway). And at the time, I thought he lost his mind. He surprised me and drove me there for dinner. I was not expecting it and asked him if we could really afford it. He said in his exact words "To do something special and out of the ordinary for you, because I love you, I will make us afford it. Even if I have to do a side job to make up for the money we spend."
So you see the moral of the story is, if you love someone you will splurge, or do something special and out of the ordinary at least once in a while. That does not necessarily mean blowing the budget and going bankrupt but when I know my hubby's birthday is coming. I SAVE! Isn't that a crazy concept.
He sounds really selfish and I'm not making excuses for him but maybe it was the way he was brought up. I have known people who grew up poor to go to the extreme of blowing money everyday eating out and shopping to never buying anything and being exremely cheap!!
Yes there is a difference between frugal and cheap!! Frugal is being wise with money and knowing when and where to spend to make the most of your money.
Being cheap is just being greedy or obsessed with trying to spend as little as possible at the expense of others.
He sounds cheap. Does he have a lot of debt you don't know about? Does he pay child support in addition to his bills?
Just my two cents, sorry it's so long. But I did get two stitches on my thumb on Wednesday after slicing it on broken glass, and it's hard to type with this gauze and tape over it. So if I'm gonna type, it's going to be plenty!
LOL
Debbie

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Well it seems you are not happy. You must be taking him back for some reason. What is that reason? I mean really, we all need to weigh the pros and cons of relationships we have in our lives. He has told you that he does not plan to marry you, because he likes the ways things are now.
You need to ask yourself "Is that ok with you?"
Do you never plan to remarry? Is this arrangement ok with you, forever?" If the answer is yes, then you do have to sit down and get serious about talking these things out. No one ever has to settle for whatever situation they are in. There is always change that can happen, I'm not saying he will change but your circumstances can change. And if that means you change him being in your life, you need to figure that out.
If the answer was no to you being ok about your arrangement, maybe you need to discuss that too. Tell him how you feel.
My DH is very frugal as well but he loves me and I remember when we first got married. Things were extremely tight on finances and he constantly kept me on budget with everything. One day just out of the blue he took me to the Grey Moss Inn here in town. It is the most romantic, delicious, expensive restaurant in town (in my book anyway). And at the time, I thought he lost his mind. He surprised me and drove me there for dinner. I was not expecting it and asked him if we could really afford it. He said in his exact words "To do something special and out of the ordinary for you, because I love you, I will make us afford it. Even if I have to do a side job to make up for the money we spend."
So you see the moral of the story is, if you love someone you will splurge, or do something special and out of the ordinary at least once in a while. That does not necessarily mean blowing the budget and going bankrupt but when I know my hubby's birthday is coming. I SAVE! Isn't that a crazy concept.
He sounds really selfish and I'm not making excuses for him but maybe it was the way he was brought up. I have known people who grew up poor to go to the extreme of blowing money everyday eating out and shopping to never buying anything and being exremely cheap!!
Yes there is a difference between frugal and cheap!! Frugal is being wise with money and knowing when and where to spend to make the most of your money.
Being cheap is just being greedy or obsessed with trying to spend as little as possible at the expense of others.
He sounds cheap. Does he have a lot of debt you don't know about? Does he pay child support in addition to his bills?
Just my two cents, sorry it's so long. But I did get two stitches on my thumb on Wednesday after slicing it on broken glass, and it's hard to type with this gauze and tape over it. So if I'm gonna type, it's going to be plenty!
LOL
Debbie

Very well put!

I hope you are able to figure out what you want to do. I would say that I too, feel that the no gift thing is just the tip of the iceberg and that isn't what is really bothering you- but it's the last straw in a long line of dealing with a fairly selfish man with control issues. JMHO- so please don't shoot me. I'm gonna side with you when you vent, so that's just my way of siding with you.

Prayers for wisdom and guidance going out your way...

 

[Humble Beginnings]

When I first visited this site I was amazed at how supportive and loving everyone was towards each other. I can't say thank you enough for all your advice and support. I've read every single post and see that I serously need to think about where I'm going ultimatly it's my life and I can't expect for someone to change it for me. So thank you again, you really are very special people

 

[pampered.chris]

Carol, Happy Belated Birthday!!
Remember that when you do make your decision that we are not going to judge you either way. Most of us on here have been in a situation that resulted in a tough life-altering decision. And we sympathize with you. We can help you or offer our advice and you can follow or decline. No one will judge you!!
I have been in a similar situation where I was constantly looking for "just one more" reason to end it. I know how scary it feels to end it, and how the loneliness will eat at you sometimes and that fear is a HUGE hinderance. But, that goes away. I did like you where I talked about it and it seemed that "getting it out" to others was my way of making myself believe what I already knew in my heart and in my head. But Fear will get you everytime.
You say he is great with your kids, but you also said that your ex remembered your birthday and got you something from your kids. That is great. If at any time you wonder how your kids will react to you ending this, remember, they could end up like him. They might not get it now, but later on in life, they will look at you and think, My mom did a good job.
My DD's father is pretty much an absentee dad, so ending a relationship for me removes the only father figure from her life, and that so sucks. But you are lucky that your children's father wants to be involved in their life and hopefully is setting good examples.
Best of luck in all you decide. I am thinking of you and let us know if you need ANYTHING!!!!!
Again, Happy Birthday!!!!!!
(p.s. my favorite holiday is my birthday, my BF is in Kuwait and I am still reminding him about my b-day that is coming up very soon. He knows how important my b-day is to me and has always made it super special. It is V-day where he thinks it is a bunch of crap and I protested so we bought each other cards and he made me dinner which since he had never cooked for me before was a GREAT thing!!)