Advice Needed on Helping Someone Deal With Suicide.

[Stampaholic1961]

My daughter (14) has friends whose mother committed suicide this week. We just found out today & I'm struggling on how to help my daughter help her friends. They haven't spoken yet because the twins aren't ready to talk yet but one twin & my daughter have emailed each other. It's breaking my heart (and hers) because of the messages she is getting from her friend. She's saying stuff like "I don't have a mom anymore" and "She left us" and "my dad doesn't know what to do with us". The dad had to come back from his job overseas to deal with this. On average he's usually home for a month out of the year. This is accumulative...not all at once.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I've never faced anything like this before.

 

[rebeccastt]

Bev,
I am so sorry for what you and your daughter are going through. I have no words of wisdom as I have never known someone personally that has committed suicide. You, your daughter, the twins and their dad are in my prayers.

 

[pampchefrhondab]

Oh gosh, how sad of a story this is. I really have no idea how to help in this situation. Maybe you can look up information on suicide and explain to your daughter that it's an illness the twins Mother had and has nothing to do with them.

The poor girls are going to need some professional help I am sure.

I will pray for everyone involved.

 

[cmdtrgd]

Just be there for your daughter to talk to. You might want to carefully offer to listen to the twins, too. Be careful that you aren't too motherly so they don't think you are trying to replace their mother. Also, be careful that they don't start taking over your life. You could offer a "normal" safe space for them to come and play video games, watch movies, play with makeup, whatever without feeling guilty.

 

[Stampaholic1961]

It's horribly sad. There are other children but 2 are my daughter's age. They are away at boarding school. There is a younger child (5th grade) who still lived at home. There is an older child who is also in boarding school, one in college & one who is married. I hope the dad doesn't go back to working overseas all the time.When my daughter told me that her friend said that "she left us" I told her that I'm sure that is the last thing the mother wanted. It had to be some desperation that had nothing to do with the kids. But one of the girls was fighting with her mom during their last conversation! How horrible would that be to deal with as a teenager?

 

[Stampaholic1961]

Unfortunately I can't "be there" for the girls as they no longer go to the same school as my daughter. They live at school an hour or 2 away.I don't know the dad at all or any other members of the family so I don't know how to see that they get counseling. I know they are going to need it.

 

[cmdtrgd]

Being there isn't just sitting down with them face to face. Let them know you are available to listen...that is, if you have the time. Sometimes just knowing that someone is there is what a person needs. Nothing may come of it, but they will know you are there. Is there a way to have them stay the weekend with you and your daughter later on down the road? Maybe give them something to look forward to.

 

[Stampaholic1961]

Being there isn't just sitting down with them face to face. Let them know you are available to listen...that is, if you have the time. Sometimes just knowing that someone is there is what a person needs. Nothing may come of it, but they will know you are there. Is there a way to have them stay the weekend with you and your daughter later on down the road? Maybe give them something to look forward to.

We'll have to see what their dad ends up doing. If he stays in the area, I'm sure they will come visit for a weekend sometime.

If they do come visit I have another question. Their mom loved to scrapbook & I have tons of stamping & scrapbooking stuff around everywhere. Should I put all that kind of stuff away?

 

[cmdtrgd]

I would ask them. Tell them that you want this weekend (or whatever) to be as relaxed and normal as they want it. Maybe they want to be around scrapbooking stuff, maybe not. Just treat them like adults (I know they're not) and they will appreciate being able to make that decision. A lot of decisions were just taken away from them, so offering that to them could be good. I would word it kind of like you did here. "I know your Mom liked to scrapbook. Would you be more comfortable if you didn't see scrapbooking and stamping stuff around?" You could even offer to work with them on their scrapbooking or stamping if they are comfortable with it being around. When I lost someone the best thing people did for me was to be honest. I remember my best friend's mom coming up to me and saying "I'm so sorry about all this, but I don't know how to act around you. What do you need?" Just having someone show weakness was what I needed. It is okay to cry and miss people and be mad at them, but I didn't need to be told that. I needed to be able to make decisions and to tell people what I needed.

 

[Stampaholic1961]

Thanks so much for the advice. I just feel so helpless because I don't know how to help. The first thing my daughter said after she told me what happened was to ask me if I was going to do the same. She never thought that this mom would ever do this & wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to do it either.
It just goes to show that you never know what is going on behind the public face that we see. She seemed happy & all about her children.

 

[lacychef]

It sounds like you're saying the right things. Just knowing that they have someone they can depend on & talk to will help a lot.
Kate gave good advise....
my cousin committed suicide when I was a senior in high school & it was the hardest death I've ever had to deal with. There's just so much that you don't understand, and so much guilt--you know, we should have seen the signs, etc. It's really just all about that person; they are dealing with something they feel not in control of, and they feel this is the only way out.
I feel so bad for all these kids; I hope they can realize that it's not their fault & she wasn't even thinking about them when it happened. I hope their father will be there more for them; they will need him. Maybe it will bring them closer together. Family will be so important now.
Eventually it will get better, even though it doesn't seem possible now. It's been 9 years since I lost my cousin & I still think about him all the time; wonder if he'd be married w/kids, etc; but I know that he's at peace now.
{{take care}}}

 

[chefmeg]

Communication is key in a situation like this. They need to talk, you need to listen. Don't try to "fix" any problem that they make talk to you about-they just need to vent. As for the Mom "leaving them"...they need to hear that when someone is at the point of commiting suicide, they are not at all rational and thinking about anything but the pain they are suffering...it had nothing to do with them. That is a hard pill to swallow, but suicide is the ultimate selfish act and when someone does that, they can't think beyond what they are feeling. At the age the twins are, it is not really going to make sense that she wasn't thinking about them-teenagers are pretty self-centered!
I will pray for you and this family as well as your daughter. I hope the family has a good religious foundation to fall back on right now-Dad is going to really need some help!

 

[Gina M]

Lacy,

I, too, had a cousin, Sue, who committed suicide when she was 20 - that was 15 years ago and is the most difficult thing I've ever been through as well - I always wonder who she would have become as an adult as well. I also had a friend whose father committed suicide back in 1994 - she still struggles with that as well - it's just so sad when people commit suicide - I just don't think they really realize the finality of it for all of the people in their lives. I think those kids will need counseling to talk it through with someone -they definitely need to be able to express their feelings, especially at their age.

Bev, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. May their family find strength at this time.

 

[Stampaholic1961]

As for the Mom "leaving them"...they need to hear that when someone is at the point of commiting suicide, they are not at all rational and thinking about anything but the pain they are suffering...it had nothing to do with them. That is a hard pill to swallow, but suicide is the ultimate selfish act and when someone does that, they can't think beyond what they are feeling. At the age the twins are, it is not really going to make sense that she wasn't thinking about them-teenagers are pretty self-centered!

I know it will be hard for them to understand that as kids!! I don't understand it myself & I'm an adult. I did some reading online last night as Rhonda B. suggested. I just can't fathom what she must have been going through to do that! I've battled with depression for years but suicide was never an option. I've tried to explain some of the things some of you have brought up to my daughter but it's hard to explain something that you can't comprehend yourself! My daughter & I were reading the online obituary & it said "She valued family above all else." My daughter said "then how could she do what she did?" I didn't know what to say.My daughter just spent the night there a couple of weeks ago! The mom talked to my husband about him doing some work on their house. She said to bring my daughter when he came...even if the twins weren't home her younger daughter would be there to hang out with. I keep thinking about what would have happened if she had decided on a different means of killing herself with a house full or car full of kids!I truly appreciate all the support & advice I've received. It has helped me a lot.

 

[cmdtrgd]

Some people hate the way they get when they are drunk, yet they cannot stop drinking without professional help. Some people don't get the help because they feel like they will be harrassed or belittled about it. They can feel like getting help makes them a bad person, mom, etc. She may not have been selfish, she may have not been able to see any other way out. She may have felt that her family would be better off without her. These are symptoms of the disease we call depression. It can come in little bits or humongous bits - just like other sicknesses. Not everyone reacts the same to the chicken pox. On the other hand, she could have known exactly what she was doing and was selfish about it. We will never know. All you can do is educate your daughter (and other kids) on how to talk to people, get help, not stigmatize others for getting help, etc.

 

[hperschnick]

My sister attempted it when she was a junior in high school - I was in college. I think you just need to let your daughter know that sometimes you just can't understand what people are thinking. I'm sure whatever was going on the Mom thought she was doing what was best for the kids. She was sick and her mind wasn't working right - she didn't mean to hurt them but a decision like this always hurts those it leaves behind. She may have thought that if she was gone the kids would get better care, or the dad would step up and be more involved... you never know what crazy thought process is going on when someone does this kind of thing - it isn't rational.

The thing I had to come to terms with (and still deal with 14 years later) is that there was NOTHING I could have done to change what happened or stop her from trying to take her own life. I didn't cause it and I couldn't have stopped or changed it. It was a hard place to come to and it sounds like one of the daughters will have to come to that same realization. Suicide is a personal decision - it is a choice that the person makes and you can't make someone do it and you can't make someone not do it. This is one of those things that is out of our hands as bystanders and that is a hard thing to accept. As survivers we want to take responsibility but it isn't ours to take - it rests fully on the person who committed suicide. We want to make sense of it all so we can feel better and more secure but it is a senseless act and will never make sense.

I don't know if that helped any but this is something that is very personal to me and that is how I have had to deal with it in my life. Even today if my sister is moody or depressed or stressed I have that pang of suspicion or fear and I have to remember that it is her decision. I think she is better in the head now but I didn't ever think she would do it in the first place so... what do I know!!

 

[Stampaholic1961]

Some people hate the way they get when they are drunk, yet they cannot stop drinking without professional help. Some people don't get the help because they feel like they will be harrassed or belittled about it. They can feel like getting help makes them a bad person, mom, etc. She may not have been selfish, she may have not been able to see any other way out. She may have felt that her family would be better off without her. These are symptoms of the disease we call depression. It can come in little bits or humongous bits - just like other sicknesses. Not everyone reacts the same to the chicken pox. On the other hand, she could have known exactly what she was doing and was selfish about it. We will never know. All you can do is educate your daughter (and other kids) on how to talk to people, get help, not stigmatize others for getting help, etc.

Kate,
Thanks for your post. I never thought of it quite that way..."not everyone reacts the same to the chicken pox". That's a good thought.

I'm doing everything I can to help my daughter because she's the kind of person who people turn to. So she will have to be the voice of reason with the kids at school.

 

[cmdtrgd]

If she is that kind of person, you will need to support her as much as possible. I'm sure you already know this. However, during this time, let her know it is okay to not have the answers. Most people think they want answers when what they really want is love, compassion and a great big hug.

 

[Stampaholic1961]

She was feeling bad last night because she couldn't be there to hug her friends & cry with them. She said something about it not being very effective to cry with someone over the computer.

 

[cmdtrgd]

Yeah, that can suck.

 

[Stampaholic1961]

Heather, thank you for your insight too. You're right, it's a senseless act but we want everything wrapped up in neat little packages & suicide doesn't fit in a neat little package.I hope I haven't dredged up too many painful memories for everyone or poured salt into open wounds. That certainly wasn't my intent. I do appreciate all the support. I just can't say that enough!

 

[vwpamperedchef]

Thoughts and prayers to everyone affected....{{hugs}}

 

[hperschnick]

I just hate that young kids are involved, it's hard enough when you are grown to deal with this heavy stuff but kids are so sensitive and things this big stay with them. I know in my case I have come to terms with it and when people talk about loved ones being depressed or whatever I try to stress the importance of getting them help for this reason. I worked very hard after my sister attempted suicide to come to terms with it. I was lucky though... I could be really mad at her and not feel bad about it and I could take my anger out on her. When people are successful you can't be mad at them without feeling guilty and you can't direct your anger at anything but air. I know now that it has made me a stonger person and I wouldn't be who I am today without this in my past - but again, it took a lot of counceling and soul searching.

I think if you can talk to the dad at any point and just let him know that the girls are talking and you're sure he has thought about it but you really think they need some counceling ASAP. If he knows that they are talking to someone (and maybe not him since he is away so much) that may help push him in the right direction. The kids may be putting on a strong front for him - you never know. I know you may feel like you are overstepping since you don't know him... but in this case I don't think it is possible to not be concerned enough about the kids. And he may be so caught up in everything else that he may not think of it. And on the off chance that he does take offense to the suggestion it may still put a seed in his head to get them help.

 

[Stampaholic1961]

My daughter is home from school now & said that she left notes for each child but they haven't given the 5th grader her not nor have they told her that her mom committed suicide. I'm not sure how they are explaining it to her but she doesn't even know yet. They don't want anyone to know it was suicide but lots of people know. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

 

[hperschnick]

WOW! That is a big thing to keep a secret... especially when the cat is already out of the bag as it seems to be. My dad wanted to keep my sisters attempt a secret also but finally realized that wasn't realistic. I don't know how they think they can lie to a child about their parent's death, especially when so many people know. I wish you all the best in helping your daughter deal with this. Maybe they will come to their senses and tell everyone the truth and get everyone the help that they need.

 

[lacychef]

Oh man, I really hope they tell the daughter before she hears from someone else. How even more awful would that be...

 

[Stampaholic1961]

UpdateMy daughter finally got to talk to one of the girls tonight. Turns out that was miscommunication from the "rumor mill". She does know what happened! I'm glad because I was afraid what would happen if she found out that they had been lying to her.

The oldest daughter & the lady who brought the 5th grader home are the ones who found the mom. They called the dad & he flew home from overseas. He had the other kids cell phones shut off until he could get home & tell them himself. He didn't want anyone to tell them over the phone.

We're going to the funeral tomorrow. That's going to be so hard. We're taking 2 or 3 girls with us.

 

[Stampaholic1961]

We're home from the funeral. It was the most emotionally draining experience of my life. They had a couple of clergy who read some scriptures & there was some singing etc. Then 4 of the 6 children, the dad & several family friends got up & spoke. The 3 younger girls had each written a poem & they read it. They were absolutely heart-wrenching. The last line in the youngest girls talk was a quote from a book her mom used to read to them "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my mommy you'll be."I talked to the headmaster & his wife from the boarding school the twins & their brother attend. They assured me that there will be counseling for all of the kids. It sounds like a tight-knit group. Each student has an advisor & a counselor. Each counselor only has 5 students. I feel slightly better knowing that they will have lots of love & support. The dad is going to be around until after Thanksgiving. Then he will have to go back overseas for a couple of days. Then he will be home until January. After that he is going back to get things in order & either get people in place who can run the business without him or sell it. Then he will be back in the states for good. The youngest daughter will live with her sister & brother-in-law until he gets back. So it sounds like they are doing the best they can with the situation at hand.Thanks again for all your support.

 

[Kitchen2u]

The best advice I ever got in a simliar situation is

LISTEN

and

HOLD THEIR HAND/HUG THEM.

 

[Stampaholic1961]

One of the girls who rode with us to the funeral had never been to a funeral before. She asked my daughter "What do I do? What do I say". She told her
"just give them a hug & don't let go until they do" I thought that was interesting.

 

[laquita]

Hello Bev,
My name is Bobbie Dotson i work with people with bipolar and depression and we have a kids group called generation 'Y' that deals with kids with depression, bipolar and the ones the try to commit suicide. if you email me your address i will send you out so info on suicide.
[email protected]