Really Need Advice!! NonPampered Chef

[Becky0216]

Sorry to bombard the board with random ramblings, but you all are unbiased and therefore may be able to give me some real advice.
I have this friend I met in Birthing class with my first baby. She kinda immediatly attached herself to me and it has been like that ever since. She had this aweful husband who emotionally abused her in front of everyone. They got pregnant and then married right away after being together 7 months, so clearly were not meant to be married. She finally left him after 2 years and things got ugly. I had the husband calling me all the time with his side of the story. Both of them wanting me to go to court on their behalf etc. I stayed out of it other than being her friend. SInce that time it has only gotten uglier. He only wants his daughter because he doesn't want to pay support (he actually said this to me). And he currently has visitation rights. Now the past 6 months or so the daughter has been coming home from the dads house with ber bottom half all red (private area). When asked about it she has said her daddy did it. She even says what he does (she is 3 1/2). My friend has taken her to the ER everytime this has happened (about 7 times now) and the last ime they confirmed she had abrasions inside her. Child services got involved but said they had no case and dropped it. And now he has visitation again. Fast foreward to today..
I got an email asking to go to court on her behalf. The husband is trying to get the daughter again and claiming my friend is mentally ill and thats why she keeps bringing their kid to the ER. I don't like getting involved, but how do I say no? There are only 2 people she has on her side. If she loses her daughter because I didn't go, I will feel aweful.
Thanks for getting this far, just hoping for some advice.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Follow your heart. If you can't do it for either of the parents do what your heart tells you to do for the little girl. She needs someone to speak for her.

 

[chefshawna]

Well, IMO if you have actually been a witness to the abuse of the friend and have heard the little girl say what has happened at her father's house, then I don't know how you couldn't go. I understand not wanting to get involved, but think of the damage that could happen to this little girl if her father does get custody. I know how the courts can be fooled by smooth talking men who have bad intentions. My sister was married to a man that physically abused her for years. Finally she left him and would continually get screwed in court b/c he was a smooth talker.
I guess you need to sit down with your husband and discuss with him if it would be a physical threat to you to go and represent her. Maybe they could set it up so you could make a statement to the judge alone and then leave.
I hope all works out for the little girl!!

 

[Dayna]

By all means you have to let the court know what you know. The child is the innocent in all of this.

 

[Becky0216]

I know I should be there. There is just room for doubt. WHat if the kid is making it up? I know the dad and he is a jerk. I disliked him from the day I met him. But that doesn't mean he is a molester.... I heard the girl say what happened. But there has to be a reason the police and courts and child services won't touch it.

 

[heather223]

You have to go to court for that child. Put your friendship aside. The little girl needs someone on her side. Hope it all works out.

 

[crystalscookingnow]

As a victim of sexual abuse myself, I can only wish that someone would have spoken up for me. I was younger than 3 when it happened the first time & nothing happened. I was 10 when it happened again (different person) and nothing happened again. You need to help that little girl. You never know what might save her life. Not to mention help to make the abuse STOP so that she can have a normal life as an adult with her husband. Catch my drift on that one?

 

[chefshawna]

I know I should be there. There is just room for doubt. WHat if the kid is making it up? I know the dad and he is a jerk. I disliked him from the day I met him. But that doesn't mean he is a molester.... I heard the girl say what happened. But there has to be a reason the police and courts and child services won't touch it.

Well, if the little girl is making it up, they will get to the bottom of it. But, what if she isn't??? I think it would be hard for a child that young to make something like that up unless she had help with the lie. Sometimes the courts and child services miss things that they shouldn't, it might have been a busy day for the social worker that looked into it and maybe she didn't look good enough. How long did they follow up with it??

 

[ChefBeckyD]

I know I should be there. There is just room for doubt. WHat if the kid is making it up? I know the dad and he is a jerk. I disliked him from the day I met him. But that doesn't mean he is a molester.... I heard the girl say what happened. But there has to be a reason the police and courts and child services won't touch it.

There was a case here last year, where a 2 yr old baby girl was being physically abused by her mom & her bf. The father tried desperately to get custody over and over, but the baby kept being returned to her mom, with the statement that there wasn't enough evidence to remove the child from the home.....and then came the day that she ended up dead from massive internal injuries.

I have a healthy dose of cynicism in how our court system and CPS works.

 

[pamperedlinda]

I have a healthy dose of cynicism in how our court system and CPS works.

It is very sad......here in Georgia DFCS is pitiful, several children have "become lost" or died in the past few years who were supposedly under DFCS control. DH and I have talked about foster parenting, but don't know that I can emotionally handle it and from what I know about DFCS, not sure I can deal with that either. It's so sad b/c the children are the ones who suffer.

 

[ted122781]

First and foremost, DO NOT DEPEND ON CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES TO DO ANYTHING.
Do you know how hard it is for a child to be taken away from its parents?
There has to be EXTENSIVE abuse or literally drugs laying around for them to immediately take a child away. Most of the time, CPS will close a case, and then someone will call again or the hospital will call and another case is opened. After about 5 cases, then they consider taking the child away. Then the parent can still get the child back if the parent cleans up his act in 90 days.
Don't wait for 5 more reports b/c you don't want to get involved.
This is something that I have learned, not from my own experience but watching it happen to someone very, very close to me. It took 6 years and the children were finally taken away from their father.

 

[krzymomof4]

I understand about not wanting to take sides, but in today's society people don't want to get involved. They had a whole 20/20 special on it. I agree with the other posts. The child is the most important. All you can do is say what you hve seen and heard yourself. Everything else is hearsay.

 

[janetupnorth]

Becky - I would say go for the sake of the innocent child only. Don't take sides. State the facts to the court of what you've heard and let the facts decide the case. It isn't up to you to judge the truth of the matter or not, but you have an obligation to the child to be her voice....that is my opinion...On the ex-husband's claims...if he claims her to be mentally ill and they deem the accusations valid, they will test the mom. Once again, it won't be your decision, it will be a professional or law decision. Make it clear that you are only there to state the facts of what you see or hear, and not hearsay. I hope it has a good outcome, whatever that may be!...and it bothers me that a young child had internal abrasions and they wouldn't do anything!

 

[vwpamperedchef]

The child is 3 1/2 I hardly think a child would make something up at that age. And if there are obvious signs of abuse?

YOU NEED TO GO. Tell the court what you know.

How would you feel if you were the childs mother? I agree, follow your heart, but the child needs you.

 

[Becky0216]

Ofcourse I want to keep a child from being harmed. I just am at a loss. I could see my friend making things up because she wants to do anything to get her away from him. ANd I don't blame her cause he is aweful. But in all fairness I also heard the little girl say ser sister did it (dads daughter), her dads GF's son did it, and her grandma did it. So unless it is a family affair on a large scale I just don't get it. Child services was involved 3 times now. All 3 times dropped it. The lehigh county police wont get involved because they say its a berks county issue. The berks police say the same (a Lehigh county issue). They live in different counties.

Also, The husband has threatened some of our mutial friends before. My husband is very against me getting involved and that is why I am so leary.

 

[krzymomof4]

...and it bothers me that a young child had internal abrasions and they wouldn't do anything!

That bothered me also.

 

[janetupnorth]

On the threats Becky, if they occur, report EACH AND EVERY ONE IMMEDIATELY to authorities!!!! ...and I mean immediately, no matter how mild!

 

[Becky0216]

I know it is hard to believe a child can make up that stuff. But then I listen to my daughter and she makes up whoppers. I can ask my daughter where she got a scratch from etc. and she will say "Daddy did it. He hit e with his cell phone" or the one day when she told me her butt hurt because her daddy held her down and let her brother (9 months) spank her butt. NOw this comes from a kid who does not get spanked.
Just makes me wonder. I would NEVER choose not to try and help based on that though.

 

[chefshawna]

Well, regardless of who did it, someone did. How else would you explain the abrasions? (Just a retorical question, I know you don't know the answer) It sounds like they really need to look into this hard!! I really feel for this little girl and hope all gets straightened out and has a good outcome.

 

[Becky0216]

thanks to everyone for advice. I came here to get help from ouside of the circle. I appreciate all of the help and will go to court. I do refuse to comment on anything I did not witness myself though.

 

[vwpamperedchef]

the child will thank you! {{hugs}} good luck!

 

[ted122781]

I think in the long run, it would be better if you did go to court.
If she is making it up, then you have nothing to worry about. All you're doing is stating what you heard from the child. If the child is making it up, it doesn't reflect badly on you.
What if she isn't, though?
I would hate to find out 7 or 8 years later that she was being abused, and I missed my chance to say anything.
If he's threatening you, please report it to the police. That would also help out your friend if he has several reports filed on him b/c he's being a jerk and trying to scare you.

 

[JAE]

You just have to go and answer the questions. If they ask for opinions then give them. You said the father is a jerk. That may be all they need to know from you. I'd do it even though I wouldn't want to do it. Hopefully, it's for the girl's safety.

 

[Kimmie]

You will not be able to comment on anything that you didn't witness. You are not an expert witness such as a doctor or psychologist - so they won't ask your opinion on anything either. They will simply ask you for the facts as you know them. In fact, if her lawyer asks if you knew about the abrasions - and you only knew about them through your friend - his lawyer will object on the basis of hearsay. It won't be admitted into court.

I'm glad that you are going. If I were you, I'd ask that your friend subpeona you - that means that you are legally obligated to go. Then the husband really can't say anything about you testifying because if you don't - then you would be put in jail. I had a similar situation happen when I was in college. I was a babysitter for 2 professors in my department that were married. They ended up going through a horrific divorce and I got called to testify at the custody hearing. I had one professor at the time for a class so as you can imagine - I was very concerned about my grade. So what the lawyer for the other professor did was subpeona me so that I was legally obligated - it didn't look like I was 'volunteering' to testify.

Good luck - and you are doing the right thing!

 

[jbachen]

I agree with what the others are saying. Go to Court, and just tell them what you know. Hopefully it will help.And I join the others who cannot believe they won't do anything about the internal abrasions! Are they thinking there is a chance she did them to herself?

 

[hperschnick]

I understand about kids making stuff up - my niece can tell quite the story!! The thing here is that it doesn't matter if the girl is making parts of this up... someone is doing something to her. If you going to court will make the authorities look into this furthur they will have a professional talk to the girl and hopefully get to the real story. Only she can answer what happened but she is going to need a professional to help her work out how to say it.

 

[climbercanoe3]

Or if she is not making it up and the mother is, then the mother needs to seek professional help too.

 

[Becky0216]

I agree with everything everyone said. just needed the reassurance!
Thanks again

 

[legacypc46]

Stating what you heard the little girl say creates a written record within the courts. If the system doesn't step up because it's the right thing to do, maybe someone will at least want to cover their a$$ and therefore do something to protect her. (Hate to say this, but be prepared to be called a liar, etc.)