What Do You Do When Dh Is Completely Unsupportive of Pampered Chef?

[katie0128]

DH keeps saying that he wants me to do PC... that we need the $$. He acts very supportive when we are around other people. But then does stupid crap like come home over 45 minutes late when I'm supposed to have my office time, then disappear and leave me with the kids. According to him, "They were playing nicely and were quiet, so I went to go do _____ (fill in your favorite excuse, which changes daily)." Keep in mind that he left for work early (about 5a) Friday morning and hasn't been home since... so the kids are climbing the walls to see him.

Of course, I got nothing done and he doesn't understand why I'm so pi$$ed beyond the ability to talk to him. Then he decides he wants to "discuss" this NOW (read: try to make me feel bad about being mad at him) when he is supposed to be putting the kids to bed and it is already 15 minutes past their bedtime.

It's not just his lack of support of PC that I'm mad about... it's much more and I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm to the point that I really don't even care. I just needed to vent so I don't do something stupid.

 

[janetupnorth]

Katie - don't know what to say...will be praying for your patience, both of your understanding each other and that you can work this out.

 

[PChefPEI]

So sorry to hear that, Katie. That can't be easy. I don't know what to tell you. I'm lucky that way...my DH doesn't really ask too much about my business, but will watch our DD anytime.

Now, back to you........when you want your office time, would it be possible for you to do it somewhere outside your home? I know it's not a permanent solution, but may work for now.

I hope you guys get to the root of it all and that you work things out. I know the feeling of "not caring anymore" and it's not a nice feeling. Good luck and vent anytime. That what we're here for!

 

[PCJenni]

My husband does similar things. We have a 2 year old and when I come home from a show it looks like a bomb has gone off in the house. So after working I get to do all the clean up from his day of "helping me"

 

[susanr613]

i am so sorry you are going through this. when i was married, i could not even imagine doing PC...i would have been told i was being selfish. i hope that you and DH can use this as a springboard to work things out, preferably with the help of a third party.
Good luck and God bless -

 

[JAE]

Katie, I'm glad you're venting here. You may need to vent some more if it helps you work out your feelings and figure out what you really want to tell your husband so he understands what you need. Then you can, w/o emotions flying, tell your husband what you need from him. No if's, and's, or but's. You have to be strong w/o being mad. If your husband isn't following through with what he says he'll do then point it out and expect him to do what he says. You may need to get a trusted third party involved if your husband won't actively listen (follow through). I'm not against giving him a taste of his own medicine to prove your point, or at least give him an example of "what if I didn't come home from .... in time for you to ..." I hear the book Boundaries in Marriage is really good by Cloud and Townsend. Maybe with a third party you will see something that you need to change, too. Your DH could be clueless or passive aggressive. Hopefully, you'll figure this out soon. It's a good thing to grow through. Don't give up. Keep control and work it out in a mature way. Even if your DH won't get help from a third party (hopefully he is open to that) you can get help for yourself. Let us know how things are going.

 

[Intrepid_Chef]

I feel for you.

I have an unsupportive roomate who has an opinion about EVERYTHING ... said roomate complained that Previous Product Line was "cheap" and "broke" all the time (basing this information on the whopping 2 people in our mutual circle of friends who had returned jewelry. Now, the complaint is that it's "overpriced."

The day I unpacked my kit I was like a kid at Christmas, until I was subjected to a littany of questions about how much this item cost, how much that item cost, and that there was supposedly an equivalent mandoline on LTD for $10. Finally I lost it and said that I HAVE to do things like this, because said roomate was not paying a fair share of the rent!

(After said rant, said roomate did make a call to some family members asking if they wanted one of my catalogs. So that was nice.)

Now I feel like I have to make calls in another room because the complaint is that the TV can't be heard when I'm on the phone. It's cold in there ... one of my many phone phobia excuses.

Just needed to vent ...

 

[scottcooks]

Show him a paycheck of an upline person who is doing well. He'll shush. Also - just get in his mind a couple days before - not toyingly, 'remember you get to have the kids tomorrow', but 'I bought some sidewalk chalk so the kids will have something to do when you have them tomorrow' or such. Warm him up to his parenting role, and he'll come 'round. If there are bigger issues, get yourself to a counselor to begin work on them, then invite him if it is helping you. If he's just not manning up to being a dad, call him on it - once or twice. After that, plan around him. Try to get him engaged with other dads who do well - socialize with those couples - do playdates - burger/brew Friday night... just some ideas.

 

[chef131doreen]

I don't know how old the kids are but when you are in the office and he is not home give them some jobs to do .

Stamp catalogs, fill folders., anything let them know they are helping you with your job . you can the pay them with a trip for ice cream , the Dollar store ect. Also its a wrte off when you pay them.... They will learn that they can have extra things if mom gets payed that means to be quite when mom is on the phone.
As far as your husband my husband some times can do the same they think there is no comitment so GET HIM ON A PC TRIP he will change his mind really fast he will be helping you to earn the next one..

 

[mpkegley]

My husband is not that supportive either. We have had a few disagreements, like one time he was saying that if I am going to spend 4-5 hrs/night working in my office every night then I need to just go out and find a real job. Mind you, he had a very bad day at work that day and our son was 2 and driving him crazy at that moment (I had been working about 45 min) and obviously he was just lashing out. We don't fight very often and I exploded. He apologized the next day about a million times and he was a little more helpful/supportive for a while, but he has kind of gotten back to the non-supportive role. When he gets like that, then my business kind of goes to pot! I don't know how to make him understand that when he helps me then I (more importantly "we") do much better with PC.

My son is 3 now and I have gotten to where I let him play V Smile or some other game that he loves so that I know I can get some work done. Keeps him busy and DH is happier that way. When it comes to doing shows, I have an extra calendar on the fridge that I put my shows on and highlight them so he knows plenty of time in advance when I have a show. He hasn't let me down "yet" when it comes to showtime. He also knows that there are only certain days that I do shows. That helps.

You will have to figure out a situation that will work for you and DH. I do understand what you are going through and hope that you can work it out! Don't know if any of this helps you or not, but hopefully you feel better just venting! I know I always do after venting a little bit.

 

[pamperedlinda]

You need to have a heart to heart talk with him. Pick a time when you are both in a good mood and let him know exactly what kind of help you need from him. Tell him what your goals are. You might have to set a schedule that works for both of you. Tell him what kind of money your Director makes and let him know that's what you aspire to (if you do). Get a big calendar and write everything in it for everyone's activities - this will be a great visual helper.

Good luck. I know how frusterated you are!

 

[wadesgirl]

Mine is so wishy washy, I just don't know how he's going to be some days. If you want to PM me, feel free to.

 

[chefsteph07]

Mine is typically unsupportive as well..case in point, I had a meeting I wanted to attend Monday night, told dh about it and asked him if he could come home early, he didn't, and then on his way home (he goes to college, but had an exam that evening and could have gotten out early if he wanted to) when I answered the phone he acted shocked and said "I thought you had a meeting"..like it was on ME that I didn't go...hello, I have a 4 yr old and an 11 yr old and it was late, etc. He complains when I'm gone "all the time" at shows, never complains about the money of course, and then on my slow months he'll blame me that we don't have enough $ for extras..It never ends. I was so tired of his complaining last spring that I almost gave up, almost went inactive, and I just decided that HE wasn't taking it away from me..I do everything for my family and this was the one thing for ME...now, I make calls when he's not around, even during the day, do alot of emailing of customers/hosts (I ask them if it's ok) and schedule my shows when I can.
I know it's hard, but just stick w/ it if you are passionate about it. Hang in there!

 

[JAE]

My husband is very supportive of my business and my kids are 10 and 12. So my issues aren't quite the same, but they used to be little, obviously. We struggled with my husband's role, too. As I continually reminded him that he was a parent too and he wasn't watching the kids when I was busy, he was being a parent. We still struggle with trying to not to "inconvenience daddy". I have to remind myself and my dh that this is life with kids. It's not an inconvenience. It's a blessing! I have to remind myself, too. It's a great thing to try and do things that your spouse/family appreciates and if they are happier because of it, that is great. But, we can't make ourselves responsible for making others happy. Again, get some help from a wise person and invite dh along. Go even if he doesn't want to go so you can work on your own issues. We all have them. Who knows. Maybe you'll even get phone phobia issues solved! (I'm just assuming you have them because most of us do.)

 

[floccies]

My husband does similar things. We have a 2 year old and when I come home from a show it looks like a bomb has gone off in the house. So after working I get to do all the clean up from his day of "helping me"

This happens at my house too!!! (11, 7, 18 months) The 18month old is like a tornado.

We have a playpen but DH thinks it's cruel to put him in there.

 

[dianevill]

Big hugs, Katie. I'm glad you came here to vent because obviously, there are a lot of people on this board who have or have had unsupportive spouses/roommates! My DH is all over the board, but he has gotten better as the kids have gotten older. It does help to show him the commission statements when it's been a rough month!

Good luck, and vent away!

 

[khergatt]

I find it interesting that most of you refer to your husbands as "watching the kids" as if he is a babysitter. I guess I am blessed more than I know because my husband doesn't act like he is doing a "job" when he spends time with HIS kids.

My suggestion - hire a babysitter for while you do your office work. It could even be a young teenager to keep them occupied since you are also in the house. It probably wouldn't cost you a ton, but if your husband sees you paying someone else he MAY decide to do it himself.

Good luck and God Bless You!

 

[janetupnorth]

Katie - get the book "Come to the Basement" off the supply form. It is a quick read and DH could use it.

 

[Dayna]

My two cents. I was active duty AF for 7 years and going to school fulltime. I had a higher level position so I was use to deadlines and no pats on the back. Now I'm a stay at home mom to a 7 year old and a 2 year old. Ideally I'd be working a fulltime job so when DH retires in 8 years from the Marines we will be very cushy finanially. But once we looked at the cost of child care and gas driving back and forth I'd have to commute to DC for a postion to be worth it and neither of us would get to see the kids like we want. Sometimes I know he wishes the house was cleaner and my "Office" a bit neater. But in the overall skimp of things he reminds me that what I do is very important. Right now I'm not consistent with PC and he could say I spend more than I make which I do but he comments on the positve points. I love what I do. I've always been passionate not just about cooking but the entire experience. He loves football and the Marines I totally support that. I guess we've found a balance. He is type of guy that would be more upset with me for not telling him what I needed than for telling him. But since he does make the money I often am left juggling some the kids stuff (playgroup, dance class, PTO, dr apps) but he does make a great effort so I can make my cluster meetings. He says I come back so engerized (and he likes the food) I guess he realized early on that PC is extension of me and when he didn't support PC it was the same thing as not supporting me. And definately pray about it. I've thought of just quiting so may times because I couldn't do all that I wanted or though I needed to do. Then I realized I'm not perfect and I'm okay with that. So every else will have to be okay with it too.

 

[katie0128]

Thanks for your support and encouragement. Its nice to know that I have friends in the same situation that can relate and have a place to "talk", even if I just need a listening ear to vent to!

And for the record, the kids are DS - 8yo; DS - 4yo; DD - 22 months. Keeping the older two busy while I work or even am on the phone isn't such a problem, but the 22mo is all over me, the desk, the computer, etc. when I trying to work. Also, we have tried to counseling route and did have a few sessions. But I finally gave up when everytime I would schedule an appointment, he would come up with some excuse at the last minute and I would have to cancel. After paying 2 or 3 late cancellation fees, I quit doing the appointments. I have started making my schedule inspite of what he is doing and arranging childcare so he isn't "inconvenienced". Unfortunately, the budget doesn't have any extra to pay someone, so it has to be a friend or family. Of course, that was part of the reason to do PC... to have extra $$ for babysitters to be able to stop relying on family... oh well.

And I decided that I am NOT going to show him my director's paycheck (yes, that is a goal) because I want to know that he is supporting me because starting PC was a decision we made together. I want him to honor that decision and not just support me for the income. I did (only half jokingly) tell my girlfriend who helps me out with childcare ALOT that I'm going to start keeping track of who is watching the kids while I do PC... if she ends up doing more than DH when I earn my first trip... I'm taking HER, not him. Now she is more excited about my business!!!

At least one good thing will come from all of this... I will make sure my kids are raised to understand that it is NOT babysitting when you take care of your own children and it is possible to overcome many obstacles (including idiot family) to achieve what you want.

 

[legacypc46]

...I guess he realized early on that PC is extension of me and when he didn't support PC it was the same thing as not supporting me....

What a healthy perspective!

 

[stefani2]

I don't always have support eitherTry these ideas: (I am in the same situation as you)
Have a calendar highlighted with the dates of your Shows, which day you are 'in the office', and which day and TIME you do your CCC. BE CONSISTENT so EVERYONE knows what to expect and it will be less stressful for everyone in your family.

Tell your DH what you expect/want from him: He gets to go away from work, and so should you be able to (even if that means going to your office, downstairs, bedroom with door closed, etc.) And tell him to pretend that you ARE NOT HOME! That means, pay attention to the kids (you may need to give him ideas for WHAT he can do with the kids - men aren't as creative as women when it comes to things like that), and it means DO NOT leave the kids to play by themselves for while you are on the phone.

Tell him, you don't want to be bothered because it is time for YOUR work (and is a lot more professional when you don't have a kid screaming and crying into the phone). If the TWO of you decided that you are going to do PC, then he needs to RESPECT you, your business, and your time/privacy. But that is how I feel about MY biz.

p.s. I may end up getting bugged for this comment - but I give my DH a 'reward' after - watching HIS show after, cuddling, playing a game, etc.
That way I can show him how much I appreciate it!!!

Plus, my kids are less than a year apart, with my oldest being 2 - so I HEAR YA!

My D told me to spend part of my commission on doing something together. Ex: take him out to dinner WITHOUT the kids, have a family vacation that you pay for, etc.

Does that help?

Kitchen Guy, sorry about the jab on men not being as creative - there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule *wink*

 

[DebbieSAChef]

SorrySorry to hear your not getting some alone time to work. I don't want to sound like I am flaunting but my husband is GREAT!! 110% supportive of me, spends quality time with his kids (I agree he doesn't watch or babysit HIS kids), and schedules things around my shows during the weeknights or weekends.
Not all husbands are like this and I agree it will take some creativity on your part to get him to help. I suggest that you do just as stefani said to make a schedule, men love details. They want to know when, why, who, where, and what! So write it out for him. Next make up some fun activities, or crafts for your hubby to do with the kids while you are working. This will give your hubby a game plan and give you the alone time you need.
Have a favorite movie and popcorn set up for them and tell your hubby that after the movie (90 minute movie) you will be done. Surely he can manage them for that long. Don't go past what you said and always thank him and show appreciation for what he has done. Men want respect and compliments from their wives!

Another time you could set up a safe, easy craft with pasta, glue, construction paper, markers, etc... Give them a different theme "Mommy is wanting each of you to make a pasta masterpiece of a dog, or cat, or daddy!"
Another time have your husband play a board game with them or an easy food craft so they can snack! Anytime my hubby is willing to be generous with his time and energy I thank him and show him my appreciation by making it as easy as possible. That isn't always possible with five kids, homeschool, our new german shepherd puppy, PC, homeschool group activities, keeping the house clean, clothes washed, and meals prepared but I try.

Anytime I go on a retreat or a special ladie's night out, or even a cluster meeting I have meals prepared, clothes ready for a back up, and some suggestions for activities. My husband is very thankful for this! He's tired from work and from going to minister to our neighborhood as well as the neighborhood by the church and I am very proud of him. I love him!

Hope this helps. I will pray for your situation.
Debbie

 

[jrny2001]

My DH isn't all that supportive either. He felt PC was my first priority and him and the kds were second. That was SO not true.
What I did was make a schedule to follow for the nights I do my calls (usually Tues & Weds). It seemed to help but now he complains I'm on the computer after supper. We just had this conversation as a matter of fact, I "reminded" him that after supper is the first time I have to "myself" and the first chance I get to check my email ect.

I don't think he will ever be 100% supportive of PC. I feel like whenever I have something good going he finds a way to sabotage it. For a while I was considering hanging it up too. Then I realized I needed something for myself and I do love my business.

Good luck to you.

 

[beepampered]

My kids were young when I started PC and it was a hard transition. I always have a meal (okay, I try) for them to eat and some sort of dessert which is unusual for us. The kids get to eat something sweet and watch tv (NEVER with me) with daddy. This makes their time special and easy on dh. After about a year he said that he liked having time with the kids and it made him feel valued. They will not let him do anything when I am home so it gives him a place in the family when I'm gone.

Perhaps you could go to the car and use a cell phone to make phone calls. If I am home, I have to do everything. It's frustrating so I try to leave or get the kids to bed early.

I have a separate bank account for PC so that I can see the money grow rather than it go into the family budget and I never get credit for that money.

Honor his feelings and then move on. Who cares if he is not supportive in feelings as long as he's on time and helpful?

I will sometimes go to bed with my dh and then get up to work after he's asleep. He doesn't complain then cause he still gets my attention.

Honestly, your marriage is more important than PC. Find out his real objections and try to address them.

Best wishes.

 

[katie0128]

Sorry to hear your not getting some alone time to work. I don't want to sound like I am flaunting but my husband is GREAT!! 110% supportive of me, spends quality time with his kids (I agree he doesn't watch or babysit HIS kids), and schedules things around my shows during the weeknights or weekends.

O.k. - so you are officially banned from this thread about *&$^ husbands!













JUST KIDDING... I'm really happy for you that you have such a supportive DH! It is nice to see that some of them have been trained well!!! Now if you could only recommend a reputable breeder and/or trainer...

 

[merego]

uncooperative husbandI am lucky because my husband ( so far) is supportive. He says since I like to shop I need to help support the habit. I am so sorry Katie to hear what you are going through. I am blessed to have my mom and mother in law who will help with our kids anytime. My husband is supportive of me making money, but not much help around the house when I am trying to get stuff done. My kids are 1 and 2 but very laid back and play well together, we also have a playroom so that helps keep them entertained at times. Men don't get it, is what it boils down too. ( sorry to any of you men reading this). To hear my husband talk he does it all. In his world he thinks he does but he really doesn't. I have to ask and he should just know, I shouldn't have to ask. My husband does help more than most, but I have such high expectations, no one can do it the way I want it done and I need to work on that. back to Katie, sorry hon.... do you have family who can help? how old are your kids? Marraige is hard, I am on my 2nd one. I feel for you and I will try and think of some solution for you.:angel:

 

[khergatt]

I just wanted to say that I truly do understand how you are feeling! I have a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old. My hubby and I also run a group home from our home so we have 4 mentally retarded men that live with us. Things are NEVER quiet around here! There is always something going on and someone needing something.

We just have to make time for the things that are important to us. Try to calmly tell your hubby what you need him to do. Tell him how long you are going to be and then don't go past it.

Good luck!

 

[Pam Duncan]

In the Same BoatMy husband was supportive in the beginning, or I would not have signed on. At the time the kit was under $100. He thought I would only be doing it for a year. Well, I am going on to 2 years and we have had a couple of blow ups about "my business" . He thinks I should be making the money that my director makes, but she has been in it for 4+ years now. I keep telling him that Wal-mart wasn't built in 2 years. He tells me that when we sit with our financial advisor, I may not be doing PC any more. ( I am thinking in my head that who does he think he is telling me what I can do and can't. ) Granted, I love my DH alot. We have been married over 12 years now. I have asked him within the last couple of months, to please be more supportive of me. I told him how it makes me feel and how hurt I am that he doesn't support me. The first year, I put money back into the business. Now, I am trying to not buy anything extra and show him that I am making money. We have 2 kids 5 and almost 10. My DH knows that I have a set time on Sundays for doing my calling and he respects that. I feel he is trying to be supportive. He will make those comments, but I let them go in one ear and out the other. Yes, sometimes it does make me feel sad, but I have to deal with it for now until I start making the money he thinks I should be making.

 

[wadesgirl]

My husband was supportive in the beginning, or I would not have signed on. At the time the kit was under $100. He thought I would only be doing it for a year. Well, I am going on to 2 years and we have had a couple of blow ups about "my business" . He thinks I should be making the money that my director makes, but she has been in it for 4+ years now. I keep telling him that Wal-mart wasn't built in 2 years. He tells me that when we sit with our financial advisor, I may not be doing PC any more. ( I am thinking in my head that who does he think he is telling me what I can do and can't. ) Granted, I love my DH alot. We have been married over 12 years now. I have asked him within the last couple of months, to please be more supportive of me. I told him how it makes me feel and how hurt I am that he doesn't support me. The first year, I put money back into the business. Now, I am trying to not buy anything extra and show him that I am making money. We have 2 kids 5 and almost 10. My DH knows that I have a set time on Sundays for doing my calling and he respects that. I feel he is trying to be supportive. He will make those comments, but I let them go in one ear and out the other. Yes, sometimes it does make me feel sad, but I have to deal with it for now until I start making the money he thinks I should be making.

Sorry, I just have to say that I agree with this statement. Why is it that some men think they own their wives or they are in control of what happens in the family?! It's time us women stand up for ourselves, I try to get my husband to do equal chores around the house because it's his house too and he makes the mess too! Sorry just had to get that off my chest. And I feel the same way about "watching" or "babysitting" their own children! They helped create them, it's not our fault we are the ones who carry them!

 

[merego]

Did you get my response? I must be doing something wrong when I reply to these??
What does DH mean? DS? DD?

 

[erinb]

Did you get my response? I must be doing something wrong when I reply to these??
What does DH mean? DS? DD?

Dear Husband
Dear Son
Dear Daughter

 

[katie0128]

Did you get my response? I must be doing something wrong when I reply to these??
What does DH mean? DS? DD?

Yep, I got it... you are posting correctly. As with anything, keep posting and you'll get better... and then you'll start earning cute little stars beside your name, too!