Supporting a Grieving Student: My Experience as a Teacher

[pamperedape]

I am very much in need of getting this all out. It'll be long. If you can't hang until the end, I understand.

I have a new student.

She enrolled a week ago on Monday. Her first day she was very clingy with me, and complaining that her stomach hurt. Now, first day jitters are normal, but this was a bit much.

The next day she comes in and after a few minutes starts crying. I ask her what is wrong and she says, "Did you know my mom died?".

NO I DID NOT.

So I go up front and call home. Her Dad's girlfriend tells me that yes, her mom did in fact die - ONE WEEK AGO THAT DAY!!!!! They did not bother to tell anyone this tidbit when they enrolled her.

So, the whole morning I spent with her while my assistant taught the class. I let her cry, I talked with her, I walked her around and introduced her to everyone.

That afternoon, her dad and girlfriend come to pick her up and I ask them if they have considered counseling for her. Their response...

"No, we don't want to make too big a deal of it"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I literally BIT MY TONGUE.

She's SEVEN. Her mother died. A horrible death. She was taken from her grandmother and older sister and placed into this house with a brand new baby. Dear Lord - as a THIRTY-TWO year old woman *I* would need counseling!!!

So, it's been a very rough two weeks. She is (of course) crying at least once a day to me. And I am asking WHY ME? I am so dern tenderhearted that everytime I tear up too.

Like yesterday, she asked me to tell the class about her mom, and to read a journal entry to them. So, I told them and began to read the journal entry. All I could manage was, "I need you right now Mommy..." and started bawling in front of my children.

So I stopped and looked right at my girl and explained that I tried to be brave for her, but that I am a mommy, and I have a mommy so this makes me so sad. I then explained to the class that it is okay to cry about this. It is my total belief that this dad and girlfriend have made her to feel as if she shouldn't cry.
So, I got myself together and tried again. This time, I read it all and THEN started crying again.

Then today at the awards assembly, our show choir sang "You Raise Me Up". I knew it would get to her. Well, I didn't look at her for the longest time, but it was killing me not to. So, finally I did and she was sitting there crying so hard. I got up and took her out to a bench and just hugged her and let her cry for as long as she wanted to. Of course, me being me - I was crying too.

I wonder if *I* am the right teacher for this job? I am trying to be stronger, but I just can't help myself. I think maybe God gave her to me to show her that it IS okay to cry. I don't know. Maybe I never will.

 

[Stampaholic1961]

Where do you live? I'll come & do a "common sense installation" on the dad & girlfriend! A common sense installation involves a ball bat & their heads until they get some sense!! Some people are so stupid. I am so sorry for you because I know what it is like to be tenderhearted. I started crying when I read your story. I wish I could give both of you a big hug right now!!! I'm glad she has you to help her through this horrible time.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The father sounds like a competitor to RD for Father of the Year.

 

[pamperedlinda]

How sad! It breaks my heart just reading this. Can the school intervene? It sounds like this is affecting her learning environment, maybe if they recommend counseling to the father.....

 

[ChefKrisB]

OMG!!!!! How could the "parents" not tell anyone when they enrolled her??? Do you have a school social worker/psychologist on staff?? I would take her down there, have her start talking with him/her and let them handle the dad and girlfriend!
You poor thing! I'm crying now just reading this stuff...:cry: :cry:
Cry with her, show her that it's ok and while nothing will fix the pain, crying is normal and can release the pressure that builds. Be the instrument that you are as a teacher...Good luck...and God bless!!

 

[Kitchen2u]

April ~ we have no idea why situations are put into our hands. But they are. Sometimes we have no idea what to say. But we find the words. We wonder if we're "good enough." YOU ARE.
You are dealing with a very serious situation the best you can. You've just about told her that. Be prepared, she will probably look at you as her mother figure. We can only do what we are capable of...be there, LISTEN and hold her hand.
It's unfortunate her father doesn't think she need assistance. I would talk to my principal about her and the situation. Maybe he/she can intervene in the sake of the child.

I will pray for her ~ to help her get through this difficult time ~ you were put with her because you care and understand.

I will pray for you ~ to have the strength and courage to help this little girl through this difficult time. You were put with her because someone had the confidence with YOU.

 

[GeorgiaPeach]

You are probably JUST the person she needs. There are alot of teachers that aren't as compassionate or sensitive to students needs. Keep doing what you are doing AND definitely seek the advice of your school administrators. This child needs some type of counseling. If the parents won't seek it, someone at your school should push until she gets it. You might even call social services and ask their advice.

 

[J.Corley]

Have you sat down with your principal and discussed what is available through the school? I would definately give her time to grieve then engage her in the class. Also have a church near her home do a "random" visit.

My heart breaks and I was crying just rading your account. I am also tenderhearted. You are doing just what she needs. Thank you for teaching and most of all for caring! I would only hope my children's teachers would care so much should something happen to me.

 

[lkprescott]

I am very much in need of getting this all out. It'll be long. If you can't hang until the end, I understand.

I have a new student.

She enrolled a week ago on Monday. Her first day she was very clingy with me, and complaining that her stomach hurt. Now, first day jitters are normal, but this was a bit much.

The next day she comes in and after a few minutes starts crying. I ask her what is wrong and she says, "Did you know my mom died?".

NO I DID NOT.

So I go up front and call home. Her Dad's girlfriend tells me that yes, her mom did in fact die - ONE WEEK AGO THAT DAY!!!!! They did not bother to tell anyone this tidbit when they enrolled her.

So, the whole morning I spent with her while my assistant taught the class. I let her cry, I talked with her, I walked her around and introduced her to everyone.

That afternoon, her dad and girlfriend come to pick her up and I ask them if they have considered counseling for her. Their response...

"No, we don't want to make too big a deal of it"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I literally BIT MY TONGUE.

She's SEVEN. Her mother died. A horrible death. She was taken from her grandmother and older sister and placed into this house with a brand new baby. Dear Lord - as a THIRTY-TWO year old woman *I* would need counseling!!!

So, it's been a very rough two weeks. She is (of course) crying at least once a day to me. And I am asking WHY ME? I am so dern tenderhearted that everytime I tear up too.

Like yesterday, she asked me to tell the class about her mom, and to read a journal entry to them. So, I told them and began to read the journal entry. All I could manage was, "I need you right now Mommy..." and started bawling in front of my children.

So I stopped and looked right at my girl and explained that I tried to be brave for her, but that I am a mommy, and I have a mommy so this makes me so sad. I then explained to the class that it is okay to cry about this. It is my total belief that this dad and girlfriend have made her to feel as if she shouldn't cry.
So, I got myself together and tried again. This time, I read it all and THEN started crying again.

Then today at the awards assembly, our show choir sang "You Raise Me Up". I knew it would get to her. Well, I didn't look at her for the longest time, but it was killing me not to. So, finally I did and she was sitting there crying so hard. I got up and took her out to a bench and just hugged her and let her cry for as long as she wanted to. Of course, me being me - I was crying too.

I wonder if *I* am the right teacher for this job? I am trying to be stronger, but I just can't help myself. I think maybe God gave her to me to show her that it IS okay to cry. I don't know. Maybe I never will.

My instant reaction is a resounding YES! I don't believe in coincidences so this lil girl needed SOMEONE to notice... SOMEONE to care... SOMEONE to help her if not get through this then point her in the right direction. Who better than you? You've got heart and my gods, just reading your post had ME burbling with emotion...

It might not be your entire 'burden' to shoulder but it definitely sounds like she's been 'given' to you to at least get her the help she so desperately needs. I don't know how your school operates but our school WANTS to know sudden and difficult household changes and such so they can be prepared. They have an on staff counselor who's really there for the kids and it so sounds like she could use something like that... AND your wisdom and kindness.

Yes indeed... I'd say that Fate did well for you both... for her to find someone who cares and for you to be that person who cares. You're a great teacher for caring... :angel:

 

[janetupnorth]

I wonder if *I* am the right teacher for this job? I am trying to be stronger, but I just can't help myself. I think maybe God gave her to me to show her that it IS okay to cry. I don't know. Maybe I never will.

Of course you are the right teacher! At least for this point and time. God brought your paths together for a reason...you may never know the impact for years or ever but trust that there is a reason!

The follow may or may not be the reason someday, but the song is still so fitting:

I dreamed I went to Heaven, you were there with me.
We walked upon the streets of gold beside the Crystal Sea.
We heard the angels singing, then someone called your name.
You turned and saw this young man, and he was smiling as he came.
He said, "Friend you may not know me now," and then he said, "But wait -
You used to teach my Sunday School, when I was only eight.
And every week you would say a prayer before the class would start.
And one day when you said that prayer,
I asked Jesus in my heart."


Chorus
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am so glad you gave.
Then another man stood before you, he said "Remember the time,
A missionary came to your church, His pictures made you cry.
You didn't have much money but you gave it anyway.
Jesus took that gift you gave
And that's why I'm in Heaven today"


Chorus
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am so glad you gave.
One by one they came, far as your eyes could see.
Each life somehow touched by your generosity.
Little things that you had done, sacrifices that you made,
They were unnoticed on this earth
In Heaven now proclaimed.

Chorus
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am so glad you gave.
And I know up in Heaven you're not supposed to cry
But I am almost sure there were tears in your eyes
As Jesus took your hand and you stood before the Lord
He said "My child look around you,
Great is your reward."


Chorus
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am so glad you gave,
I am so glad you gave.

(Song by Ray Boltz)

 

[dannyzmom]

I am very much in need of getting this all out. It'll be long. If you can't hang until the end, I understand.

I have a new student.

She enrolled a week ago on Monday. Her first day she was very clingy with me, and complaining that her stomach hurt. Now, first day jitters are normal, but this was a bit much.

The next day she comes in and after a few minutes starts crying. I ask her what is wrong and she says, "Did you know my mom died?".

NO I DID NOT.

So I go up front and call home. Her Dad's girlfriend tells me that yes, her mom did in fact die - ONE WEEK AGO THAT DAY!!!!! They did not bother to tell anyone this tidbit when they enrolled her.

So, the whole morning I spent with her while my assistant taught the class. I let her cry, I talked with her, I walked her around and introduced her to everyone.

That afternoon, her dad and girlfriend come to pick her up and I ask them if they have considered counseling for her. Their response...

"No, we don't want to make too big a deal of it"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I literally BIT MY TONGUE.

She's SEVEN. Her mother died. A horrible death. She was taken from her grandmother and older sister and placed into this house with a brand new baby. Dear Lord - as a THIRTY-TWO year old woman *I* would need counseling!!!

So, it's been a very rough two weeks. She is (of course) crying at least once a day to me. And I am asking WHY ME? I am so dern tenderhearted that everytime I tear up too.

Like yesterday, she asked me to tell the class about her mom, and to read a journal entry to them. So, I told them and began to read the journal entry. All I could manage was, "I need you right now Mommy..." and started bawling in front of my children.

So I stopped and looked right at my girl and explained that I tried to be brave for her, but that I am a mommy, and I have a mommy so this makes me so sad. I then explained to the class that it is okay to cry about this. It is my total belief that this dad and girlfriend have made her to feel as if she shouldn't cry.
So, I got myself together and tried again. This time, I read it all and THEN started crying again.

Then today at the awards assembly, our show choir sang "You Raise Me Up". I knew it would get to her. Well, I didn't look at her for the longest time, but it was killing me not to. So, finally I did and she was sitting there crying so hard. I got up and took her out to a bench and just hugged her and let her cry for as long as she wanted to. Of course, me being me - I was crying too.

I wonder if *I* am the right teacher for this job? I am trying to be stronger, but I just can't help myself. I think maybe God gave her to me to show her that it IS okay to cry. I don't know. Maybe I never will.

You ask if you are the right teacher for this job? I think you are the PERFECT teacher for this job and for this little girl. Clearly she needs a place where she can safely cry and let her feelings otu and not only are you rproviding that but you are giving her the hugs and comfort she must not be getting from her dear old dad. She's lucky to have you.

 

[stacywhitlow]

It breaks my heart to read this. I think you are doing a wonderful job but don't get too involved without parental consent. I would let the principal and school counselor know the situation. In this day you can't be too careful. You don't want dad to get upset & pull her out of school. It could happen. I would still listen to her & let her know that someone cares for her but would definitely let other school officials know asap. Social services may need to get involved.

 

[chefkristin]

You are the right person! Don't doubt that.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

April,

My heart aches for this baby - and for the burden you are carrying for her.
God has you in her life for a reason - it sounds like you are her only safe place right now ~ I bet she can't wait to get to school to be with you.
I'll be praying for wisdom and strength for you as you continue to care for her, and I'm praying that God will just wrap His loving arms around her and give her comfort and peace beyond understanding. As a mom, I wish I could be giving her hugs and love right now too!

 

[jodistrauss]

You are EXACTLY the teacher this child needs. My kids lost their dad 4 1/2 years ago. This story hits particularly hard because this coming Sunday wouldve been his 39th bday. I would encourage her to write her feelings down. Make sure she knows that crying and feeling sad is OK. It sounds like her "new family situation" isn't very nurturing. Maybe help her make a memory box or something about her mom. (We did this in counseling and my daughter still looks at it often).

Let her know you are there if she needs a hug or to talk. Let her know that you are there.

 

[KellyTheChef]

April~

Wow....what a blessing you have been for this child. God knew what He was doing when He put her in YOUR class. Don't doubt that God can use you here...tears and all!

I pray that her Father gets some sense quickly and gets her some help.

I agree with others- check with your school and hopefully there is something they can do to help her with couseling.

Good luck...just keep listening to your heart- that's how God is speaking to you right now!

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[Kathytnt]

Unbelievable that these 'adults' have not idea how they are harming this child. My neice was 5 when her grandmother - my mom - passed away - It has been almost 18 months and she still bring it up every week. Afterwards she started worrying that something might happene to her parents - that they might also get sick. This is not even as close a relationship as a parent and it has affected my neice. She got extremely upset when my sister sold my mom's car. They were not expecting this reaction but it was another item of her nana's and my sister had to have a little talk with her.

Hopefully you can find some resources to help this child - I guess you need to tread lightly because obviously the male parent (not going to call him a father) and the girlfriend have not clue and might pull her out and cause even more issues by pulling her away from the one person - YOU - that has been helping her through this.

Bless you for showing her some love and compassion in this difficult time when the other adults are acting like fools.

Sincerely, Kathy

 

[raebates]

April, you are exactly the teacher the Lord knew she needed. You'll both be in my prayers.

 

[vwpamperedchef]

God Bless both of you!! You will be in my prayers!!

Everyone has pretty much sumed up what Iwould have said!!

You should definately get the school involved (child study team or counselor). It needs to be documented.

Keep us posted on her progress. Love & Hugs...

 

[pamperedpsalmstress]

wow! I find it difficult to believe that the 'adults' in her life cannot comprehend her loss! While the 'father' may have moved on with his life with the girlfriend the little girl was never given the opportunity to grieve and begin the healing process. I'm just flabbergasted that anyone can be so insensitive and self absorbed

 

[pamperedape]

Thank you all so much. I am really bothered also because our "counselor" STINKS big time so I am in this alone pretty much. My principal is great with her, and even came and took her for about 30 minutes the day of the song incident, but as for people who are "trained" in this area - I get no help.

I just want to do right by her. She totally has my heart. After I brought her back into the cafeteria after the song I turned to Bill (DH who teaches at the same school) and mouthed, "Can we keep her?".

He said yes.

 

[lkprescott]

Thank you all so much. I am really bothered also because our "counselor" STINKS big time so I am in this alone pretty much. My principal is great with her, and even came and took her for about 30 minutes the day of the song incident, but as for people who are "trained" in this area - I get no help.

I just want to do right by her. She totally has my heart. After I brought her back into the cafeteria after the song I turned to Bill (DH who teaches at the same school) and mouthed, "Can we keep her?".

He said yes.

Serious purple puddles over here...

Oh, you're definitely the right person for this little girl right now... yanno... you may be just the thing that gets her through all this and one day may inspire her to know that just one person cared... sometimes that's all that really matters. Just knowing...