Please Say Some Prayers for Mary & Her Family

[Kitchen2u]

. . . and help me understand. I had no idea! Mary's Mother and my grandmother were cousins...

Mary and her grandson (Nick, 6th grader) went home Wednesday afternoon to check on her husband (Nick's Grandfather). She tried to open her garage door . . . it wouldn't open. So she went into the house. She and Nick around the house and her husband was no where to be found. Nick said, "maybe Grandpa went on a walk" ~ which he does a lot. Mary thought "yeah, maybe." Then she turned around and saw his keys and cell phone on the table. Oh no....Mary thought. She went out to the garage to find her husband (he hung himself).

He was in a lot of physical pain (depression). Not able to sleep due to the pain, etc. Educate me here folks...I hate no idea depression could cause such intense physical pain. Maybe because he is the first person I've known to have several depression...you would of never known. I saw and talked to him on SUNDAY! Yes, like 4 days ago! The pain was so bad, he was unable to drive, perform simple tasks like checking his email, etc. He left Mary a note explaining all he felt and all. This is sooooooooooooo sad. He had a late afternoon appt with his psych. He had asked Mary if she would drive him to his appt that afternoon.

The coroner report said he knew what he was doing. The way he contructed his own hanging, he died within a minute. His foot was still on the bucket...

I'm so sad...this is terrible ~ but please educate me for those who KNOW what depression can do...because I'm clueless.

He left behind Mary, 2 sons, 2 DIL, 3 beautiful grandchildren...siblings, nieces, nephews, and MANY dear friends.

TIA ~

 

[Gina M]

Oh Ginny - I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend! I, sadly, know first hand 2 people who committed suicide. One was my 20 year old cousin who was depressed and decided she'd had enough and 2 years later, one of my best friend's father's hung himself. He had suffered a severe depression throughout his whole life - was going to psych counseling and was on medicine but it hadn't kicked in yet. He just couldn't take it anymore. This best friend of mine also suffers from depression and must take medicine always. She went off of it briefly to become pregnant and nearly went off the deep end because her depression was so bad.

Sadly, clinical depression is truly a chemical imbalance that often has to be maintained through medicine but it doesn't always work for everyone. I lost my cousin 16 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday. You feel just empty inside and you don't know what to say. I pray for you and your friend's family through this terribly difficult sad time.

 

[katie0128]

First, I am so sorry for the loss for you and your family. The loss of a loved one is hard enough, but when it happens by that person's own hand... it is even harder to understand. I lost a cousin 4 years ago to depression and he was only a few days shy of his 25th birthday. By all accounts, he was a VERY intelligent young man, with everything going for him and an amazing future. But, he shot himself in the driveway of his dad's (my uncle) house with his dad right there trying to talk him out of it. Sad story, but unfortunately, all too common.

Yes, depression can cause such intense, overwhelming sorrow that the feelings can manifest themselves as physical symptoms. I don't know the medical reason, but I think the brain just becomes so overloaded that it short-circuits... kind of like an outlet with too much plugged into it. I'm sure that you can find a better, more "official" explaination online or from someone on here, but that is what makes sense to me.

Again, I'm so sorry that you have to even ask these questions. Prayers to you and your entire family.

 

[DebbieJ]

(((((((((((ginny)))))))))))))))

 

[chefkristin]

First let me say I am soooooo sorry Ginny (((HUGS))).

Being someone who has dealt with depression for about 5 years now can sort of understand how people get to that point. I myself have never gotten to that point but can understand how it can happen. Before my meds I HATED people.
I didn't care about anything, all I did was cry. I was mad all the time and it was a very unpleasant feeling. There were days where the thought crossed my mind but I could never do that. I am on meds now and have tried to come off of them but apparently its not a good idea. I could feel myself slipping. The commercials you see on tv for depression are very accurate. Depression hurts! You can't focus and sometimes suicide is the only way to stop it in that persons mind. With the proper meds you can really lead a pretty normal life. I hope this helps you to understand. I am so sorry it came to that.

 

[KellyTheChef]

Oh Ginny...I am so saddened to hear about your loss!

I pray that the family is comforted through this time. Depression really "messes with their head" and so their thought process is very different. Emotional pain manifests into physical pain quite often...hard to understand, but it is real. I am sad to hear that he didn't find the help he needed in time.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[pamperedbecky]

Ginny---
I'm so sorry to hear all of this. That's just tragic. I hope your family finds a way to work through this because I'm sure there are so many unanswered questions. As others have said, yes, the psychogological pain of depression also manifests itself in physical pain. From what I understand it can be completely unbearable at times.

I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this. Take good care of yourself. It makes me even more sad to think of the grandkids, especially the 6th grader who was probably thrown into this whole tragic event because he was there.

Please take care.

 

[Kitchen2u]

Thanks you guys~ I just came home for a few ~ been at Mary's all morning. Apparently the pain was unbearable. This was the second time he had gone through this. Thank goodness Nick did not "see" it. Mary had a hunch and went to see. She told she'd be right back and stay put. See? What awesome grandparents they are? I better get back over to the house ~ tons of people coming over every minute. I came here just to get more paper plates (since I just happen to buy 250 at Costco Wed AM!), let the dogs out, check my answering machine and email...

 

[Gina M]

Hang in there Ginny - they will appreciate so much that you are there for them. You will feel drained by the end of the day but know how much it is appreciated by their family and friends.

 

[raebates]

I'm so sorry. I know that the aftermath of a suicide can be devastating. This family will be in my prayers.

 

[katie0128]

And don't forget that your fellow cheffers are your virtual shoulders to cry on if you need it or just to vent to when you need to get your feelings out. We are all praying for the family AND for you!

 

[pampchefrhondab]

I'm so sorry to hear this and will be praying for everyone.

 

[dianevill]

Ginny,
I am so sorry for your loss. You'll all be in my prayers!

 

[Jean DeVries]

Ginny,

First off, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. You and their family will be in my thoughts.

For most of last year, I dealt with both depression and pain. Turns out they were unrelated, but with all the research I did trying to find the connection, I learned that depression can be caused by a lack of serotonin in the brain, and, interestingly enough, 90% of the serotonin in your body is in your stomach/digestive system. People who suffer from IBS, for example, often end up depressed because their serotonin balance is off in their stomach, which in turns throws off the levels in the brain. And people, for example, with IBS, feel the pain because their brain is wired to be more sensitive to pain - the brain misinterprets the signals it gets from the stomach.

So, bottom line, I'm sure your friend didn't have IBS, but there definitely is a connection between seratonin, depression, and pain receptors. This may or may not be the case with your friend, and someone with more medical knowledge than me can feel free to chime in, but I thought I'd pass it along.

 

[Kitchen2u]

Thanks everyone ! ! !Thanks so much for your prayers, support, advice and "shoulders" ~ I'm so lucky to have this place right now. You have no idea how much YOUR words have meant to me. I was talking to Mary tonight and was telling her about my virtual PC family and the love and support they have given all of us today. She was impressed and very thankful too.

I'm off to bed, I'm exhausted and I've got to get up at 5 AM (remember, I'm the Youth Director at our church and the kids run the snack bar on Saturdays). Another busy weekend, we've got our Awake-a-thon on Sunday 7 PM til Monday 7 AM ~ no sleep there! I'm actually going to have the kids set up the gym for the funeral (table/chairs/food) sometime during the night. Plus we've got my Dad's 82nd birthday dinner Sat night, taking the dog to the vet Sat afternoon ~ and I'm SURE I'll be going back to Mary's as much as I can during the weekend. When Tuesday rolls around, I think I'm going to be HAPPY!

Thanks again everyone...you are the BEST!

 

[vwpamperedchef]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your family will be in my prayers.

God Bless. {{hugs}}

 

[sarahlegare]

{{{{Ginny}}}} My prayers are with you! I'm so sorry this has happened.

 

[Kitchen2u]

Oh NoooooooooooI misunderstood the other day...Nick (6th grader, grandson) DID see the hanging! PLEASE say EXTRA prayers for Nick. Nick is a VERY sensitive little boy ~ nothing but horrible nightmares since Wednesday. Thank goodness he's already seeing someone to help him out with this horrible situation. I just cried my heart out this morning when I found this out from his cousins. This is just breaking my heart! The funeral is Monday but the family will need your prayers for MANY months to come.

Thanks everyone for your kind works of support. This means the world to Mary/family and me! You're the BEST!

 

[sddmom2]

{{Hugs}} We are praying for all involved. So sorry-

 

[raebates]

Oh, the poor little guy.Lord, we know you love this child. Please help him to replace that image with images of his loving daddy during happy times. Bring people into his life to help him deal with the pain and trauma of that day.

 

[Gina M]

Oh Ginny - I'm so sorry to hear that - I pray that Nick finds comfort and peace to replace those terrible images.

 

[vwpamperedchef]

OH. My heart breaks to hear that Ginny! I am sure everyone is struggling, but esp. Nick. God Bless him, the family and you.Prayers and hugs!

 

[Kitchen2u]

Funeral todayThis was one of the saddest funerals I've been to, and I've been to a lot. Mary is lost. Nick is distraught. Steve & Bob are in shock. Bob just kept saying over and over..."I don't know what to say...I don't know what to think..." Mary made it through the best she could, strong as ever. My little Marisa (she's in my Youth Group) kept hugging me and wouldn't let go ~ I just held on! About 500 people came out to celebrate Walt's life, very comforting to everyone.

 

[lmonninger]

Ginny,
No words can say how you feel for a lost friend and the family.It's a hard place to be in .
I have been there many times ( 4 friends self inflicted due to having aids,2 cousins because of radical hysterectomies and bad drug reactions to Prozac ) and 1 very best friend killed by a drunk driver he was going to propose to me the next day. The thing you must remember is that he is in a better place now with out pain. No matter what some religions may state... He is in heaven waiting for this loved ones to come someday. Silvia Brown states it best ," there is no anger or hate on the other side.Other loved ones are there and that the loved one comes in and checks on the ones left behind." There are stages of grief and going through them takes time and healing and counciling. The stages are denial,anger,bargaining,depression, and acceptance. Children take it hardest the internalize it as they did it they caused this to happen. Make sure that your friend gets counciling and help with the feelings. I went to the catholic church the sanctuary and just sat there crying. I finally was approached by an usher and he took me to the father and sister and I had grief counciling. I was at my worst I was taking care of the site were the car crashed.
I stopped talking, eating and sleeping. I some how walked over a mile to the church from the crash site, I did not even know how I go there all I remember was the peace that came over me there at the altar. And the wonderful people that talked to me afterwards.lori monninger

 

[Kitchen2u]

Thanks Lori ~ we know he's without pain and depression. I just got back from Mary's ~ there aren't words for how everyone feels. We're all past the what-if's ~ whys ~ talking about Walt's purpose on this earth is more comforting to all of us...except for Nick, Marisa and Janell (grandkids). They're young and it's hard for them to understand why their "gramps" did this. Though therapy, we are hoping for the best for those GREAT kids.

Today, Nick and Marisa wanted to stay with Mary (Grams) instead of going back to school. They maybe young, but they sure know who needs them most. When I got there, both of them came running up to me and just hung on. We stood there for about 20 minutes...just hanging onto to each other.

Mary insisted Steve and Bob (sons, both dentists practicing together!) to go back to work. Instead they've decided to each work every other day for a while...neither work on Mondays. They're such great sons, Mary's so lucky to have them here with her. But they're great because of their upbringing. Walt and Mary raised 2 fine sons.

Nick and Marisa and I were talking and Nick said to me, "Auntie, I'm sure glad basketball season is over...so I don't have to look at the side line and not see Gramps there cheering me on. I think I'm going to not play basball this year either." Marisa agreed that is going to be hard next year. I told them, "Gramps WILL be there with you! (Nick looked at me funny) He's going to be right here (and point to his heart and head). In your heart and in your memories...Gramps will ALWAYS be with you. Nick, what would Gramps say if he knew you weren't going to play baseball this year?" Nick said, "he probably say, why not?" "That's right, he would," I said, "so . . . WHY NOT?" Nick looked at me and pointed to his head and heart and said, "I don't want Gramps to get mad at me, plus Grams is still here to watch me." "Yep, that's right," I said, "Gramps will be in your dreams and maybe an unpleasant one from time to time, but Gramps will also help you get RID of those unpleasant ones...call for him, he will come Nick!"

Then Nick looked at me...and said..."Auntie, are you going back to work tomorrow?" "Nope" "What???? I thought you told me that it was my job to go back to work and that's what Gramps wants me to do ~ why aren't you Auntie? . . . . Oh, I forgot...you do PC...you're working...when I go to school tomorrow and my teacher or adults asks me, "anything you want me to do for you Nick? I'm going to answer...have a Pampered Chef party for my Auntie, that's all..." Gotta love that kid!!!!

Kids are so smart, they get it...if we just give them the time. So go home and hug your kids and tell them how much you love them. I have never missed a day of telling my kids...they're almost 23 and 17 in June...that's a lot of days and I love you's...

I hope you don't mind, I'd like to post updates about the kids and Mary here...it's helping me too ~

 

[janetupnorth]

Ginny - I can't believe I missed this thread! Probably because I was sick Thursday - yesterday and only hopped on here once in awhile.So sorry to hear of the loss and what those kids are going through. I hope time will continue to heal.It sounds like there is a VERY supportive family which is great!Hang in there and hugs to you!

 

[Gina M]

Ginny,

Nick sure sounds like a sweet heart - may you all continue to find comfort and peace - it is very hard after losing a loved one to suicide - it's been nearly 16 years since my 20 year old cousin Sue ended her life. My aunt and uncle and cousins love to talk about her and appreciate it when we talk about her too. It sounds like Walt has a terrific family - may he rest in peace.

 

[katie0128]

I hope you don't mind, I'd like to post updates about the kids and Mary here...it's helping me too ~

Why would anyone mind? While we might be a bunch of overzealous, opinionated lunatics at times, most cheffers will admit to feeling like this is an extended (and sometimes safer) family to run to during hard times.

Personally, I am honored to be part of such a group and would mind if you DIDN'T feel like you could post and vent about anything going on in your life. We might not have the right words to say, but sometimes, no words are needed among friends anyway.

 

[chefann]

That's exactly right, Katie!

 

[Kitchen2u]

Thanks ladies...I should have known it was okay.

The last few days have been really rough. I've been spending most of my waking hours with Nick...and Marisa when I pick her up from school. Nick's off-track and the one time we wished he wasn't. There's too much time down time for him. Though we've had him at the child psychologist's office everyday this week...that schedule will continue for quite some time.

I just never knew that my heart would "hurt." I guess it's because of the kids. I never cried so much after losing someone. I lost 2 VERY close Uncles last year, one of my youth group kids in 2005 and my FIL in 2003. I'm just praying the pain will go away soon.

Bittersweet, I have to put my HAPPY face on this weekend. I'm SOOOOOOOOO proud of my son, he's getting a top award in his company. He's one of 5 people up for the Grand Prize winner. They're flying us down to Los Angeles so he can accept his award...leaving tomorrow morning and coming back on Sunday late afternoon. I'm looking forward to spending this time with him (he'll be 23 on March 16) ~ I haven't spent this much time one-on-one is YEARS...not with just him....so maybe since he was 6 yrs old ~ before his sister was born?

Oops, Nick just called and asked when I was coming over. I've got a show tonight, but I did all my prep last night because I had a hunch I'd be getting a call from Nick.

 

[Kitchen2u]

Well I was gone for a couple of days...not good. Nick freaked out. He wouldn't sleep or eat. He's not much of a talker, but IS with me. With me gone, he got depressed. His Mom and Dad said, "we almost called you.."

"Hello ! ! ! I wish you would have ~ maybe talking to him via my cell would have helped."

Went over today and he just cried and clinged to me. I'm not sure, no one's sure, why Nick has found comfort with my present, but he does. I was rather shocked...it's not like I'm putting him to bed or anything. The only thing I have done is been there, held him and TALKED to him...but I guess that's enough for him. I'm worried about him now. I'm worried that his Mom/Dad are gong to eventually resent me. He wants me to take him to his psych appts...but I told him last week, that's his Mom/Dad's job, not mind and he was okay with that. This week, he's not okay with it. I told his parents I was sticking to "not taking him" because I think if I give in, he's going to think I'm always going to give in. This week I told Nick I have a party on Wed/Thurs/Fri. He seems to be okay with me having parties...but if someday he's not, I'm not giving in...see what I mean?

Any advice here, I'd appreciate it. I'm thinking maybe I better see a psych!

 

[chefann]

I think you're right in sticking to your guns, Ginny. Now, I'm not a therapist, nor do I play one on TV, but it seems to me that rules and structure will be good for him right now. There's still that instinct to nurture, but you can still do that while keeping structure and rules.Still saying prayers for the family (and you!).

 

[katie0128]

You might have his parents talk with the therapist and see what (s)he recommends. Personally, I would think sticking to your plan would be best for him, but maybe the therapist would have either another idea. Even if (s)he agrees with you about not taking him, Nick's attachment to you sounds like it would be a good thing for them to know about anyway.

 

[Kitchen2u]

Nick knows me well...when Auntie Ginny says something...that's the way it's always been and will will be. The psych said that's probably why he's attaching himself to me. He knows exactly what to expect or not expect from me. Unfortunately, his parents are wishy washy...always have been, but now it's even worse because of the overwhelming grief they're trying to get through. The psych had been counseling all of us...when it comes to the kids. (I think I'm gonna need it for ME soon!)

I think what's making us all apprehensive is he starts back to school next week. Who knows he may be just fine...who knows.

You cannot imagine how HARD it is for me though. I want to consul and comfort him, yet, I know I must be the way I've always been...this is just tearing me apart. Physically exhausting, mentally exhausting ~ I had to make a Dr. appt today...I can bearly get up from bed, sitting position, getting out of the car, a chair, etc without having a TON of pain in my right hip. I've been ignoring this for about a month...but I'm not able to even hide (I was quite good at that for a while) the pain no more. I've almost fallen over because of the pain and I have a HIGH tolerance of pain (childbirth with no meds...nothing...not that I didn't want it :grumpy: ~ 40+ hours with my son, induced!)...it takes a LOT of me to make an appointment with the Doctor, so you know I'm not doing well. I just hope she tells me it's just arthritis...keep your fingers crossed!

Thanks ladies!

 

[vwpamperedchef]

Sending lots of healing hugs and prayers your way!