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Need Thoughtful Advise: Jealousy of 22 Year Old!
- Thread starter finley1991
- Start date
I have had the worst few days, both at work and at home. I'm feeling overwhelmed and would welcome some feedback on a situation that has developed in our family.
I'm long winded so will do my best to keep this short:
I am married and have two children, a 22 year old daughter, Kristina, and an 18 year old son, Phillip.
My daughter recently graduated from a 2 year degree program and is working at a local hospital. She also recently purchased a home, on her own. Kris does not drink or use drugs or any kind, however, her long time boyfriend is in jail for charges related to drug use. She has worked hard thru some serious issues in her young live and we are proud of her achievements as well as her strong committment to things that she is interested in. Kristina was the editor of her high school yearbook, a good student but one who hated school. She has very few friends. She determined to finish college -- which she did -- but without any real goals and with no desire to go anywhere outside of colleges in a 30 mile radious.
My son is, in many ways, completely opposite of Kris. He is the ASB president of his school, he is active in many, many clubs, he has received awards in many of his clubs, including DECA, he received a very high ACT on his first try and is being recruited by many colleges, inlcuding Harvard. He has already been accepted by one of his main out of state colleges and has had an interview with Harvard. He is not a straight A student but he likes school and enjoys learning.
I am very proud of both of them. They bring different elements of compassion and committment with them in everything they do. Kris and Phil are actually quite close as siblings of this age go.
The problem? They are both committed Obama fans and they recently attended a huge ralley together (flying to the site on their own dime). Following that rally was the presidential democratic caucus in our county. All three of us attended (my hubby is republican) and Phil was doing his utmost to follow the causus philosphy and try to give "undecideds" a reason to switch to the Obama side. (If you've been to a caucus, this makes sense, if you haven't, then sorry for any confusion...it is a wierd little system.) Anyhow, a part of the process is to allow members of the audience to give brief speeches to try to present their voice on why they support a particular candidate. In our local, a caucus that usually has 50-75 people in attendance on a GOOD year drew 500 people this past Tuesday. It was chaotic but Phil wanted to speak and eventually he did (his sister knew he wanted to speak and waited to leave until he had because she was excited for what he would say). Well, Phil spoke. He got to that mike, talked the crowd in a very articulate and empassioned manner. He brought forth many issues from the Obama campaign and did so with confidence.
He received a standing ovation (none of the other 20 or so speeches even came close to that response).
Following the conclusion of the actual caucus, Phil presented himself as a candicate for an elected delegate position to the state convention in June.
There were 31 persons running, with 10 positions available. He was among folks from 18-90 who wanted a slot, many active in our local party for decades.
Phil was the top vote getter and is now an elected delegate.
Last night, I was sharing this exciting news with a friend of mine who called.
When I got off the phone, my daughter, who was at my house helping with my PC biz details, was openly hostile. She said "its always all about Phil and its always been all about Phil...you only mentioned my name once in that entire conversastion". Well, I was flabbergasted. The converstation WAS about Phil's achievements that night. And when I spoke of her, it was of how she was there, how she inspired me to go, and how supportive she was of her brother.
I tried to remind her that I speak about her often to others, about her home ownership, about her perserverance thru some very tough times, about her committment from day one to the Obama campagin, etc....but because it wasn't in that verbal conversatino she said that no, she didn't believe me. It would always be about Phil, I loved him more and just wanted everyone to know hwo great he was. Well, what about her.
Geeze.
Ok, it gets better. She is now done with the PC work she came to help me with and we've had a moderate disagreement and I sit back to relax. But, she then downloads pictures from the caucus using my comptuer so she can send the good ones to herslef and the friends who came with her. In doing so, without my knowledge, she opened my email and read three replies from family members whom I'd sent the news to via email under the subject "my nephew". She read my email and their replies and then had another conniption fit saying that her name was only mentioned once (there was more there about her involvement but I only used her name once).
Well, I had a conniption fit of my own now. I had been getting more and more angry at her attitude, feeling that yes, I probably could do a better job of mentioning her name but in no way leaving her out. And, SHE VIOLATED MY PRIVACY BY READING MY EMAILS. Her answer to that? "Well, you shouldn't have handed me your comptuer." WRONG ANSWER.
So I did something I do about once every 3 years...I started yelling and screaming. I told her that I have always gone out of my way to share her successes with people -- just ask. She again told me I wasn't really doing that and I said "how would you know! I then told her I was offended about her reading the emails and that I wanted her to leave.
She continued to argue and I was so upset I just went upstairs to my room and felt my heart beating way to fast for the next few hours. Kris spoke to my hubby and I could hear her crying once but then it moved to laughter.
He has not shared yet with me what their conversation was about but I knwo she is not speaking to me cause we work in the same hospital and she is making it very clear that she will not speak to me.
SO....What adise do any of you have? I am very, very torn... this in an important time in my sons life and his accomplishments are worth sharing. I am not taking adds out int he paper or anything I am just sharing with friends and family! I do not feel I should NOT acknowlege my sons achievements simply to make Kristina not feel "ignored". When she has her star momemts, I always praise them and share them too!
I am just sick over this. What should be a happy time for the three of us to work on the Obama campaign together has turned into a jeolous nightmare.
Sorry so long.
HELPPPPPPP. :cry:
I'm long winded so will do my best to keep this short:
I am married and have two children, a 22 year old daughter, Kristina, and an 18 year old son, Phillip.
My daughter recently graduated from a 2 year degree program and is working at a local hospital. She also recently purchased a home, on her own. Kris does not drink or use drugs or any kind, however, her long time boyfriend is in jail for charges related to drug use. She has worked hard thru some serious issues in her young live and we are proud of her achievements as well as her strong committment to things that she is interested in. Kristina was the editor of her high school yearbook, a good student but one who hated school. She has very few friends. She determined to finish college -- which she did -- but without any real goals and with no desire to go anywhere outside of colleges in a 30 mile radious.
My son is, in many ways, completely opposite of Kris. He is the ASB president of his school, he is active in many, many clubs, he has received awards in many of his clubs, including DECA, he received a very high ACT on his first try and is being recruited by many colleges, inlcuding Harvard. He has already been accepted by one of his main out of state colleges and has had an interview with Harvard. He is not a straight A student but he likes school and enjoys learning.
I am very proud of both of them. They bring different elements of compassion and committment with them in everything they do. Kris and Phil are actually quite close as siblings of this age go.
The problem? They are both committed Obama fans and they recently attended a huge ralley together (flying to the site on their own dime). Following that rally was the presidential democratic caucus in our county. All three of us attended (my hubby is republican) and Phil was doing his utmost to follow the causus philosphy and try to give "undecideds" a reason to switch to the Obama side. (If you've been to a caucus, this makes sense, if you haven't, then sorry for any confusion...it is a wierd little system.) Anyhow, a part of the process is to allow members of the audience to give brief speeches to try to present their voice on why they support a particular candidate. In our local, a caucus that usually has 50-75 people in attendance on a GOOD year drew 500 people this past Tuesday. It was chaotic but Phil wanted to speak and eventually he did (his sister knew he wanted to speak and waited to leave until he had because she was excited for what he would say). Well, Phil spoke. He got to that mike, talked the crowd in a very articulate and empassioned manner. He brought forth many issues from the Obama campaign and did so with confidence.
He received a standing ovation (none of the other 20 or so speeches even came close to that response).
Following the conclusion of the actual caucus, Phil presented himself as a candicate for an elected delegate position to the state convention in June.
There were 31 persons running, with 10 positions available. He was among folks from 18-90 who wanted a slot, many active in our local party for decades.
Phil was the top vote getter and is now an elected delegate.
Last night, I was sharing this exciting news with a friend of mine who called.
When I got off the phone, my daughter, who was at my house helping with my PC biz details, was openly hostile. She said "its always all about Phil and its always been all about Phil...you only mentioned my name once in that entire conversastion". Well, I was flabbergasted. The converstation WAS about Phil's achievements that night. And when I spoke of her, it was of how she was there, how she inspired me to go, and how supportive she was of her brother.
I tried to remind her that I speak about her often to others, about her home ownership, about her perserverance thru some very tough times, about her committment from day one to the Obama campagin, etc....but because it wasn't in that verbal conversatino she said that no, she didn't believe me. It would always be about Phil, I loved him more and just wanted everyone to know hwo great he was. Well, what about her.
Geeze.
Ok, it gets better. She is now done with the PC work she came to help me with and we've had a moderate disagreement and I sit back to relax. But, she then downloads pictures from the caucus using my comptuer so she can send the good ones to herslef and the friends who came with her. In doing so, without my knowledge, she opened my email and read three replies from family members whom I'd sent the news to via email under the subject "my nephew". She read my email and their replies and then had another conniption fit saying that her name was only mentioned once (there was more there about her involvement but I only used her name once).
Well, I had a conniption fit of my own now. I had been getting more and more angry at her attitude, feeling that yes, I probably could do a better job of mentioning her name but in no way leaving her out. And, SHE VIOLATED MY PRIVACY BY READING MY EMAILS. Her answer to that? "Well, you shouldn't have handed me your comptuer." WRONG ANSWER.
So I did something I do about once every 3 years...I started yelling and screaming. I told her that I have always gone out of my way to share her successes with people -- just ask. She again told me I wasn't really doing that and I said "how would you know! I then told her I was offended about her reading the emails and that I wanted her to leave.
She continued to argue and I was so upset I just went upstairs to my room and felt my heart beating way to fast for the next few hours. Kris spoke to my hubby and I could hear her crying once but then it moved to laughter.
He has not shared yet with me what their conversation was about but I knwo she is not speaking to me cause we work in the same hospital and she is making it very clear that she will not speak to me.
SO....What adise do any of you have? I am very, very torn... this in an important time in my sons life and his accomplishments are worth sharing. I am not taking adds out int he paper or anything I am just sharing with friends and family! I do not feel I should NOT acknowlege my sons achievements simply to make Kristina not feel "ignored". When she has her star momemts, I always praise them and share them too!
I am just sick over this. What should be a happy time for the three of us to work on the Obama campaign together has turned into a jeolous nightmare.
Sorry so long.
HELPPPPPPP. :cry:
F
friday
Give her time. I think this really is her problem not yours. Be available, but she needs to work through her struggles with this. If she is in counselling, great. If not, pray she starts. But dont tell her to go or I am pretty sure she will fire up on you again. I dont think you did anything wrong. And I dont really think you can 'fix' it. I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds gut wrenching.
imported_lkprescott
- 323
I agree with Friday... it's really her deal. She's going through some kind of internal struggle and sounds like she's taking it out on you. Give her time and space and just try to keep normal communications open... She should be old enough to take it with grace but everyone's different. She should also have respected your privacy but it sounds like curiosity got the better of her. I hate to say this but it sounds like she's having a tantrum and I don't know that you could tell her that but hopefully she's got friends she can talk with who may tell her to grow up a little and just be happy for her brother. She has her times to shine too, we all do...Sibling jealousy is tough though. I used to be VERY jealous of my older sibs thinking they had such an amazing bond when they were younger (they're all 10+years older than me) but eventually time and maturity had me see that while that may have been then, it's not now and it's allowed me to get closer to them on my own level today - I no longer worry about the past. But that takes time and maturity...
chefheidi2003
Gold Member
- 2,943
michelled
- 22
What she needs to understand is that your life does not revolve around her. Is she happy for her brother? Has she spoke to him about this? Maybe he should say something to her like "it upsets me that you gave mom a hard time about being happy for me". Put it back on her, she is taking away excitement from him and it's not fair. Good luck, keep us updated.
Thanks to all who have replied. It has helped to calm me down and get a bit more focused on this issue. In my heart I know I did nothing wrong, but the emotions of the situation make it hard to sort that out at first! I especially appreciate the last post suggesting I speak to my son and have HIM say something to my daughter. They do have a close relationship, and yes, they are quite close. She IS happy for him and is probably proudly telling everyone she knows what he has done and his delegate election!
Again, thanks.
Again, thanks.
fruit76loop
Gold Member
- 1,159
ChefLisa
- 868
PampMomof3
Gold Member
- 5,630
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