Rant Is It Rude to Expect Christmas Gift Lists?

[wadesgirl]

I'm done Christmas shopping... well at least for the people who have provided me a list. DH's family is dragging their feet this year and it's irritating me. I have been asking since Thanksgiving for some ideas from them. Then last weekend I told them I was going shopping on a certain day and would like to get it all done. I sent out an email with ideas for DH and I and MIL replied the next day with her list. Didn't hear from anyone else in DH's family (brother and SIL and their kids and BIL). It took me calling DH's brother the night before for him to email me a list that included stuff for the kids but only 1 item for brother and SIL. We usually spend $50 per person, neither of these two gifts were any where close to that amount. Out of his family, we are the "poor" ones. The rest of his family is well off and it seems like we are celebrating SIL's work promotions every other month which includes raises of more than I make in a year. So I did all my shopping last week and mentioned again on Sunday that we needed some ideas for the three of them. Still nothing! They seemed to just blow me off. We do our Christmas on Christmas Eve and I HATE going to the mall any time near Christmas. I just don't know what to do and think they are being completely rude! DH told me not to say anything else but he's not the one who does all the shopping. I'm busy this weekend and depending on what they want it usually requires a 20 minute drive in the evening after work. I guess I'm to the point that I really don't care if they get anything else from us if this is the way they want to behave about it.

 

[babywings76]

I would just get whatever you think is best. If they don't like it, well... too bad. It's the thought that counts. Maybe they just don't really know what to recommend. Have they been really particular in the past? I would just get gift receipts to go along with things, so they can deal with the stores busy times. Good luck!

 

[princessmeshelle]

now, rude is a matter of opinion... so i can't speak on that one.. my rule of thumb is if i have to repeatedly ask about something, the other party must not care too much if they don't respond after about 3 tries... so IMO, you are covered. especially if you said hey, i'm shopping on this day, and they didn't tell you anything. IMHO

 

[murkey]

I agree, give them something YOU want to give them and a gift receipt LOL done.

 

[ughubug]

Wow...We don't even ask what other people want...I just use my best judgement and buy...I love the surprise of Christmas..

 

[TeresaG]

I think you should just get what you think they would like. You have asked them several times for ideas but haven't had any response. You can't keep waiting for them to reply to you. I would just buy some presents that you think they would like. You can get gift certificates so they can take them back and change them if they don't like them.

 

[raebates]

Here are some ideas that The Everyday Cheapskate had for buying for those difficult-to-buy-for people:Give a donation: If you know their favorite cause, a donation in their name can be really appreciated. Often you can get a card that acknowledges the gift without mentioning the amount. You can also donate blood or bone marrow. Life is a pretty awesome gift.Give cash: There are sites out there with ideas for folding money into interesting shapes. Plus, you'll know it's the right size and color. You can also buy an inexpensive frame, affix cash to a piece of paper. (Use removable double-stick tape.) Put a small paper that says "Emergency Supply" on top. Place the paper in the frame. Ta da! Great conversation piece.And, yes, I think it's very inconsiderate of them to drag their feet and/or refuse to give you some suggestions. If you're feeling especially snarky, you could give them something inexpensive that you know they'll find really tacky. Once they open it, say, "Since we didn't get a list from you, we had a really hard time deciding on what to buy you." I'd almost guarantee you'll have a list the first time you ask next year. LOL!

 

[pampered.chris]

I don't even ask what someone wants for the holidays. Well except for DD and BF. Everyone else I try to get them something I know they would never buy themselves and that they will love.

Maybe getting them a Gift Certificate to their favorite place would be nice.

My mom just mentioned to me the other day that no one gave her a list. I wasn't sure that she wanted one, so I didn't want to seem rude by saying this is what I want. So I told her that. She said, you all have given me a list every year, I replied with, b/c you asked us for one. So I agree that you have given them MORE than enough options to get what they want, I wouldn't waste my time or breathe on it anymore and I would just do what you want.

 

[chefann]

Maybe they don't want you to get them anything. I don't give my MIL a list, because I don't want her wasting her money on a gift for me. (She doesn't usually get the hint, so I think after this Christmas I'll have to come right out and tell her.)Since they haven't given you a list at this point, get them something you think they'll like, whether it's a physical gift, a donation or cash/gift card.

 

[wadesgirl]

Parts of DH's family is very material, they have always given ideas and suggestions for bday and holidays. I'm to the point that I just don't care and even my sister says I'm normally not a Scrooge around Christmas. I'm so sick of pleasing other people and bending over backwards for them. I'm going to talk with DH tonight and just let him know that it's up to him. When I was shopping there was a really great price on a hoodie that was in DH's brother's favorite team. I called DH to see if I should just get it since we didn't have any other ideas of what to get him. DH said no since it wasn't something they asked for. I give up!

 

[chefsteph07]

Since they haven't gotten back to you I'd just spend the $50 on a gift card to a restauraunt they would like. I'd love that as a gift!

And, I wouldn't ask again.

 

[PChefPEI]

My SIL (my DH's sister) bought her other brother and his wife a goat for Christmas!! LOL It's in Bangladesh and will be delivered to a needy family who can use it for the milk, cheese...

Or, get a gift card for a restaurant. I don't usually ask people what they want. I just get them what I want to buy everyone. Makes it more fun that way, IMHO!

 

[wadesgirl]

My SIL (my DH's sister) bought her other brother and his wife a goat for Christmas!! LOL It's in Bangladesh and will be delivered to a needy family who can use it for the milk, cheese...

Or, get a gift card for a restaurant. I don't usually ask people what they want. I just get them what I want to buy everyone. Makes it more fun that way, IMHO!

Funny story, that's what we got my grandma! A goat and 4 chickens from all of my dad's family. Grandma has everything she could ever need so we donated in her favor. I was completely surprised when my sister said she wanted to get grandma a goat... she sort of paused before finishing her sentance, I was trying to figure out what grandma was going to do with a goat!

 

[Yakmama]

Honestly- I don't like it when people ask me what I want for Christmas. I never tell people when they ask me. I always tell them that I would appreciate anything they give me. Maybe your inlaws are like that? They might feel that you are being pushy or they might feel uncomfortable about sharing what they want- especially if they know you are on a tight budget.
I never ask people what they want. What if they ask for something I can't afford or is difficult to get? I try to homemake gifts (some past ones haver been samplers, treats, knitted heavy socks, wreaths, photobooks from snapfish, homemade DVDs of our family from the past year, etc.).

 

[wadesgirl]

Honestly- I don't like it when people ask me what I want for Christmas. I never tell people when they ask me. I always tell them that I would appreciate anything they give me. Maybe your inlaws are like that? They might feel that you are being pushy or they might feel uncomfortable about sharing what they want- especially if they know you are on a tight budget.
I never ask people what they want. What if they ask for something I can't afford or is difficult to get? I try to homemake gifts (some past ones haver been samplers, treats, knitted heavy socks, wreaths, photobooks from snapfish, homemade DVDs of our family from the past year, etc.).

This isn't normal for DH's family though, they always trade lists with ideas of what they want. One year SIL went shopping for DH's brother and then let us pick from what she bought to give to him. Money isn't tight for us, we just don't make as much as they do. I'm going to tell DH either a gift card for dinner or he can just deal with it!

 

[AnnieBee]

My 2 cents:

If you've asked for ideas but don't get them, you just have to choose for yourself. It's helpful to get the list, but I wouldn't call it rude to not give you one. I know I am so busy, and sometimes you don't get to it, or just can't think of things when you're put on the spot. In my family, we don't do lists, but we do ask each other for ideas (especially for the kids and my parents) and then the rest of us tend to email out occasional "if you need an idea for me, I'd could use a, b or c" type lists.

And a word of warning on the idea of "giving" someone a donation to a charity as a gift. My dad once had a very good point (I think!), after someone did this for him, and for the record he is a very loving, mild mannered, generous person. He said, (and I'm going to paraphrase) if they want to give to the charity, then they should be telling people, "don't buy me a gift, donate the money to this charity". But if you "give" donations as your gifts to others, then you are still receiving gifts yourself, while the people you are in theory "giving a gift to" don't get one!! Which might seem a selfish way to put it, but isn't the point of giving a gift to show that you love them and care about them enough to want to get them something you think they'd really enjoy?

So unless the person really has everything they could possibly want, and you know for sure they would really enjoy supporting the charity, and/or they have said they don't want anything, it might not be the best solution! It is one of those ideas that seems good initially, but basically it gets you off the hook for choosing something for someone that is hard to buy for, without really having to think of something they'd really like. And the worst case is that they end up feeling that you really didn't care to get them a gift that they'd really like. So if you really want to support the charity, you can think about asking people to donate in lieu of gifts to you.

And for anyone who is interested, Sponsor A Child - World Vision is a great organisation for doing this! And it is not just about spnsering a child, yoiu can do the whole buy a goat/chicken thing too.

The adults in DH's family have for a few years each donated money instead of buying gifts for each other, and then we play a game and the winner decides which charity to give it to. Last year (I think it was) we all decided it should go to world vision.

 

[wadesgirl]

My 2 cents:

If you've asked for ideas but don't get them, you just have to choose for yourself. It's helpful to get the list, but I wouldn't call it rude to not give you one. I know I am so busy, and sometimes you don't get to it, or just can't think of things when you're put on the spot. In my family, we don't do lists, but we do ask each other for ideas (especially for the kids and my parents) and then the rest of us tend to email out occasional "if you need an idea for me, I'd could use a, b or c" type lists.

And a word of warning on the idea of "giving" someone a donation to a charity as a gift. My dad once had a very good point (I think!), after someone did this for him, and for the record he is a very loving, mild mannered, generous person. He said, (and I'm going to paraphrase) if they want to give to the charity, then they should be telling people, "don't buy me a gift, donate the money to this charity". But if you "give" donations as your gifts to others, then you are still receiving gifts yourself, while the people you are in theory "giving a gift to" don't get one!! Which might seem a selfish way to put it, but isn't the point of giving a gift to show that you love them and care about them enough to want to get them something you think they'd really enjoy?

So unless the person really has everything they could possibly want, and you know for sure they would really enjoy supporting the charity, and/or they have said they don't want anything, it might not be the best solution! It is one of those ideas that seems good initially, but basically it gets you off the hook for choosing something for someone that is hard to buy for, without really having to think of something they'd really like. And the worst case is that they end up feeling that you really didn't care to get them a gift that they'd really like. So if you really want to support the charity, you can think about asking people to donate in lieu of gifts to you.

And for anyone who is interested, Sponsor A Child - World Vision is a great organisation for doing this! And it is not just about spnsering a child, yoiu can do the whole buy a goat/chicken thing too.

The adults in DH's family have for a few years each donated money instead of buying gifts for each other, and then we play a game and the winner decides which charity to give it to. Last year (I think it was) we all decided it should go to world vision.

For my grandma, she has done missionary work in third world countries so we know that is a gift she would love to "give". I honestly wouldn't donate anything in honor of DH's family, I know that they have their own charities that they do every year.

And when I say a list, it usually isn't a list persay but like you said some suggestions of things they would enjoy receiving. The last couple years DH's brother and SIL asked for gift cards to go towards larger purchases like a computer and treadmill. For some reason this year, they haven't given any ideas.

 

[AnnieBee]

Oh, I figured from your post that your grandma would like that idea! I didn't mean for my comment to be directed at you in particular, just something to think about for everyone who is considering this, as it seems that it is a common suggestion to donate in someones elses honour, as a gift to them...

 

[wadesgirl]

Oh, I figured from your post that your grandma would like that idea! I didn't mean for my comment to be directed at you in particular, just something to think about for everyone who is considering this, as it seems that it is a common suggestion to donate in someones elses honour, as a gift to them...

I wasn't taking it in a bad way, we just know grandma will really like the gift. And I know that I wouldn't normally do that for someone unless I was for sure.

 

[DebbieJ]

Wow...We don't even ask what other people want...I just use my best judgement and buy...I love the surprise of Christmas..

Honestly- I don't like it when people ask me what I want for Christmas. I never tell people when they ask me. I always tell them that I would appreciate anything they give me.

Christmas is about giving and spending time with family. Your indignation over not getting your families lists doesn't fit with the spirit of Christmas to me.

My family members were getting all pissed off because my BIL didn't give anyone a list for our nephew. Finally I said to my stepmom, "he's seven. go to the store and think about what a seven year old would like. I'm sure he'll love it."

I am thankful when people think of me and what my wants and needs are without me having to give them a list. There's something special about that.

 

[wadesgirl]

Christmas is about giving and spending time with family. Your indignation over not getting your families lists doesn't fit with the spirit of Christmas to me.

My family members were getting all pissed off because my BIL didn't give anyone a list for our nephew. Finally I said to my stepmom, "he's seven. go to the store and think about what a seven year old would like. I'm sure he'll love it."

I am thankful when people think of me and what my wants and needs are without me having to give them a list. There's something special about that.

That's what my sister said, it's not like me to be a scrooge but I think I'm just getting overly irritated with some members of DH's family. I talked to DH and if we don't hear anything from them by Thursday we are going to stop at the local "town center" mall and get a gift card for them. That way they have plenty to choose from.

 

[chefsteph07]

Christmas is about giving and spending time with family. Your indignation over not getting your families lists doesn't fit with the spirit of Christmas to me.

My family members were getting all pissed off because my BIL didn't give anyone a list for our nephew. Finally I said to my stepmom, "he's seven. go to the store and think about what a seven year old would like. I'm sure he'll love it."

I am thankful when people think of me and what my wants and needs are without me having to give them a list. There's something special about that.

Yeah, I usually tell my family that my dd is almost 5, just something age appropriate please.

 

[chefsteph07]

My 2 cents:

If you've asked for ideas but don't get them, you just have to choose for yourself. It's helpful to get the list, but I wouldn't call it rude to not give you one. I know I am so busy, and sometimes you don't get to it, or just can't think of things when you're put on the spot. In my family, we don't do lists, but we do ask each other for ideas (especially for the kids and my parents) and then the rest of us tend to email out occasional "if you need an idea for me, I'd could use a, b or c" type lists.

And a word of warning on the idea of "giving" someone a donation to a charity as a gift. My dad once had a very good point (I think!), after someone did this for him, and for the record he is a very loving, mild mannered, generous person. He said, (and I'm going to paraphrase) if they want to give to the charity, then they should be telling people, "don't buy me a gift, donate the money to this charity". But if you "give" donations as your gifts to others, then you are still receiving gifts yourself, while the people you are in theory "giving a gift to" don't get one!! Which might seem a selfish way to put it, but isn't the point of giving a gift to show that you love them and care about them enough to want to get them something you think they'd really enjoy?

So unless the person really has everything they could possibly want, and you know for sure they would really enjoy supporting the charity, and/or they have said they don't want anything, it might not be the best solution! It is one of those ideas that seems good initially, but basically it gets you off the hook for choosing something for someone that is hard to buy for, without really having to think of something they'd really like. And the worst case is that they end up feeling that you really didn't care to get them a gift that they'd really like. So if you really want to support the charity, you can think about asking people to donate in lieu of gifts to you.

And for anyone who is interested, Sponsor A Child - World Vision is a great organisation for doing this! And it is not just about spnsering a child, yoiu can do the whole buy a goat/chicken thing too.

The adults in DH's family have for a few years each donated money instead of buying gifts for each other, and then we play a game and the winner decides which charity to give it to. Last year (I think it was) we all decided it should go to world vision.

You can always make a donation to The Human Fund for them...LOL
If you watch Seinfeld you know what I'm talking about...

 

[raebates]

It's interesting to hear different points of view. My family never does wish lists. The Furry Guy's family always does wish lists. I'm fine either way. I enjoy choosing something that I believe the person will use and enjoy--whether it's something that will last for years or be consumed in minutes. Having a list in hand is convenient, but not a necessity.

We always provide a list for The Furry Guy's family because they ask for one. Knowing it will be requested sometime in mid- to late-October, we start work on it early. While we do give details, we make it clear that we're pleased with just about anything that the giver thinks we might enjoy.

Since it sounds like Wadesgirl's DH's family is in the habit of doing lists, it's reasonable for her to expect one. I don't think it's rude to not provide a list. I do, however, think it's rude to simply not respond. Off the top of my head I can think of many reasons they might be reluctant to provide a list this year:

• They know money's tight for everyone this year, so they'd feel better if others didn't buy for them (the adults).
  
• They can't think of anything they really need or want.
  
• They prefer to be surprised.

Any of those (and any other) is perfectly legitimate. Again, it's the lack of response that crosses the line for me.

 

[wadesgirl]

It's interesting to hear different points of view. My family never does wish lists. The Furry Guy's family always does wish lists. I'm fine either way. I enjoy choosing something that I believe the person will use and enjoy--whether it's something that will last for years or be consumed in minutes. Having a list in hand is convenient, but not a necessity.

We always provide a list for The Furry Guy's family because they ask for one. Knowing it will be requested sometime in mid- to late-October, we start work on it early. While we do give details, we make it clear that we're pleased with just about anything that the giver thinks we might enjoy.

Since it sounds like Wadesgirl's DH's family is in the habit of doing lists, it's reasonable for her to expect one. I don't think it's rude to not provide a list. I do, however, think it's rude to simply not respond. Off the top of my head I can think of many reasons they might be reluctant to provide a list this year:

• They know money's tight for everyone this year, so they'd feel better if others didn't buy for them (the adults).
  
• They can't think of anything they really need or want.
  
• They prefer to be surprised.

Any of those (and any other) is perfectly legitimate. Again, it's the lack of response that crosses the line for me.

See, that's my point, it seems like when ever I ask them they just blow me off.

 

[pamperedlinda]

We settled this a long time ago in my family....we only buy for the kids! Honestly, I hate "trading money" b/c it seams like that's all we were doing (gift cards). I much prefer to treat the kids and spend quality time with the family. We do swap presents with DH's sister, she's the only adult we do that with. For neighbors, I make jam & preserves in the summer and they gat a jar or two of that.

 

[heat123]

Here's one for ya.... is it rude to assume the amount you spend!!?? One person on my list (won't name the relation) assumed I was spending $60 on her boyfreind and he's not even a part of our family! That's rude I think! Or to give me a list that I am to shope from an expensive store for her DD (Limited Too) where you can only find peices =top and bottoms for $50 each! I don't dare assume that for others! :O Maybe it's just me though???

 

[raebates]

Maybe she's assuming that you'll be able to take advantage of a sale?

 

[heat123]

Maybe she's assuming that you'll be able to take advantage of a sale?

Luckily this year the L2 had a great sale Bogo and 30% OFF. But not last year and she still gave me that wishlist!

 

[princessmeshelle]

come to think of it, the adults in my dad's side of the family decided a long time ago to do a drawing. when everyone got together for thanksgiving, they would draw for who to buy for for christmas. everyone bought for kids if they wanted to, but the adults all draw names. when we reached 18 we could enter the pool if we wanted to. to eliminate the questions, after finding out who we got, we exchanged lists of, sizes, interesets and general things we like. i actually miss this. we are always so far away that it is just easier not to be in it. i'm not a huge fan of the idea of having a hard list, you must buy something from this list.

 

[lockhartkitchen]

Since they haven't gotten back to you I'd just spend the $50 on a gift card to a restauraunt they would like. I'd love that as a gift!

And, I wouldn't ask again.

I would say the same thing!

 

[ChefEileen]

We are all busy, so I don't know if this is rude, but our family solved the problem about gifts. A few years ago, our family decided it was getting too large to buy for everyone, so we put all the adult names in a hat, dish, whatever was handy and we each picked a name. The children are excluded until they get a job, then they are included also. It has worked very well for us.

Maybe next year you can do this and not stress about lists or what to get everybody for Christmas.

I hope this helps

 

[wadesgirl]

We are all busy, so I don't know if this is rude, but our family solved the problem about gifts. A few years ago, our family decided it was getting too large to buy for everyone, so we put all the adult names in a hat, dish, whatever was handy and we each picked a name. The children are excluded until they get a job, then they are included also. It has worked very well for us.

Maybe next year you can do this and not stress about lists or what to get everybody for Christmas.

I hope this helps

Not with DH's family, there are a few people who are too materialistic. We do this for my family and my grandma's Christmas. It has helped out a lot.