I Need a Little Advice From Married People

[Kitchen Diva]

Hi guys!

I need some advice. Because in several areas of my life I am a logical person I have a VERY hard time when people don't do things that are logical.

Here is my example. DH is fairly overweight. He gained lots of it when he quit smoking and developed chronic breathing issues as a result of the weight gain and cigarette smoking, so he has to take steroids every day- they are low dose, but they've added to his weight gain. He is about 65 pounds too heavy for his short Italian frame.

He has a bad back- which he does nothing to take care of it, and when he throws it out, he uses my drugs (that I have left over from when I throw my back out and I take care of my back) and refuses to go to the doctor because "It'll be fine in a day or so".

We we are going on 2 weeks and he's grunting with every move he makes and just came up to get more medication (please don't get on me about him taking my pills, they are the same dose his doctor gives him, and I'm more upset that he's using my stash that I might need in the future which makes me have to call and get more than I am over the fact that he needs them to help with the pain)

Anyway logic tells me if you hurt GO TO THE DOCTOR! I'm so upset with him right now, and anything I say will be conceived as nagging and I don't know what to do. He also needs to use a back brace when he does heavy lifting and never does and always hurts his back.

I'm tired of his medical needs not being a priority and that he fails to see that they should be because he has a wife who is 9 years younger than him and doesn't want to be a widow. I'm also frustrated because if he'd lose weight he wouldn't snore so bad so that we don't have to sleep in separate rooms...he refuses to sleep on a bed in the spare bedroom and still sleeps on the couch which is making his back worse. I'm so ticked off at how stupid that is and how foolish he's being I could spit! Grrrr

Help me figure out how to get him to go to the doctor...what do I say? What do I do? I should just send the Holy Spirit after him...that'll teach him to mess with his spirit filled wife and tell her he isn't going to the doctor!


HELP me before I choke him (figuratively speaking that is) :grumpy:

 

[merego]

hmmm, let me ponder on this and get back to you. Men are stubborn, that is for sure!!

 

[dannyzmom]

Well...I can only speak for how I have handled things with my overweight-snroing-doesn't-take-care-of-himself husband of mine.

DH always comes with me to any doc appts...he works evening sso our days are spent together so if I have a doc appt, he comes with me. SO...I called the doc, made an appointmwnt for him...told him I was making an appt for me. Told the receptionist what I was doing so when they were ready for"me" they'd call MY name...and I swooped him in with me! Boom - he was the patient. He wasn't thrilled AT ALL...but the doc praised me up & down in front of him for loving him enough to get him in to be seen...so he cooled off rather quickly.

So...can ya sneak him in??

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Well...I can only speak for how I have handled things with my overweight-snroing-doesn't-take-care-of-himself husband of mine.

DH always comes with me to any doc appts...he works evening sso our days are spent together so if I have a doc appt, he comes with me. SO...I called the doc, made an appointmwnt for him...told him I was making an appt for me. Told the receptionist what I was doing so when they were ready for"me" they'd call MY name...and I swooped him in with me! Boom - he was the patient. He wasn't thrilled AT ALL...but the doc praised me up & down in front of him for loving him enough to get him in to be seen...so he cooled off rather quickly.

So...can ya sneak him in??

Not since I started working. If I don't go in I don't get paid... I love your idea however and if I was still unemployed I'd do it in a minute! He'll go for other stupid things, but not for the things that are important and that's what I don't understand.

He knows I have issues due to losing my father when I was little and then losing my grandfather when I was a teenager- he knows how important it is to me for him to take care of himself. I'm just frustrated and disapointed in his lack of care for himself and in himself!:grumpy:

 

[rennea]

Well Kacey if it was me I would just make the doctors appointment and tell him when he's going. But I think my DH might be a tad scared of me and would never "mess" with me and not put up a fight.

It's funny how some people can be so stubborn. As for the weight gain this is a touchy subject and I would just make changes in the food you buy and the meals you cook. Easier said then done but if you are really worried about his health that's what I would do.

 

[KateD]

I don't know, but if you get some good advice I'd love to use it.DH is a police officer, and he counts the average of 1 time a year he ends up in the emergency room for work as "seeing the doctor". He had STREP THROAT and refused to go to the doctor. He BROKE HIS RIBS at the amusement park, and refused to go to the doctor. And he can't swipe any pills of mine... I did try to give him some codeine cough syrup when he had BRONCHITIS and refused to go to the doctor (!!!), but because of being a LEO he would get instantly fired if he had prescription drugs in his system and didn't have a valid, current scrip in his name for it.Men are stubborn. My dad's just as bad, if not worse. Forget married people, let's hear from the men on the board... what would get you to go to the doctor?

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Well Kacey if it was me I would just make the doctors appointment and tell him when he's going. But I think my DH might be a tad scared of me and would never "mess" with me and not put up a fight.

It's funny how some people can be so stubborn. As for the weight gain this is a touchy subject and I would just make changes in the food you buy and the meals you cook. Easier said then done but if you are really worried about his health that's what I would do.

I do that- but what he does is then snacks the entire night on about 1500 calories of foods that should be used for meals and lunches. Like a bag of chips, or a package of Oreo's he has no ability to eat things in moderation. I would stop buying those things, but then there are no chips for when I'd actually like a few, and no cookies for when 2 oreos and some milk sound good to me... see my quandry. Oh, and I always make 2 veggies at supper each night- he won't eat them! Only peas and beets. Both loaded with carbs and sugar... Tonight I feel a little on the edge here!

I don't say much about his weight because I've only lost 23 of the 45+ pounds I gained while on steriods for 2 years. Then the hormone therapy caused me to gain weight as well. But I take care of myself, exercise- even though it isn't intense, and I eat well...

 

[OhmyDLM]

Well...I can only speak for how I have handled things with my overweight-snroing-doesn't-take-care-of-himself husband of mine.

DH always comes with me to any doc appts...he works evening sso our days are spent together so if I have a doc appt, he comes with me. SO...I called the doc, made an appointmwnt for him...told him I was making an appt for me. Told the receptionist what I was doing so when they were ready for"me" they'd call MY name...and I swooped him in with me! Boom - he was the patient. He wasn't thrilled AT ALL...but the doc praised me up & down in front of him for loving him enough to get him in to be seen...so he cooled off rather quickly.

So...can ya sneak him in??

This is so clever I might have to try that on my finicky, Dr. hating husband!!!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I don't know, but if you get some good advice I'd love to use it.

DH is a police officer, and he counts the average of 1 time a year he ends up in the emergency room for work as "seeing the doctor". He had STREP THROAT and refused to go to the doctor. He BROKE HIS RIBS at the amusement park, and refused to go to the doctor.

And he can't swipe any pills of mine... I did try to give him some codeine cough syrup when he had BRONCHITIS and refused to go to the doctor (!!!), but because of being a LEO he would get instantly fired if he had prescription drugs in his system and didn't have a valid, current scrip in his name for it.

Men are stubborn. My dad's just as bad, if not worse.

Forget married people, let's hear from the men on the board... what would get you to go to the doctor?

I can answer that for you- hot, blonde, neked nurses!!!

 

[merego]

I used to have that problem DH wouldn't go to the Dr. either I would have to call and make the appt for him and make him go. His appendix burst a few months ago and he should have gone to the Dr several days before that and didn't. it was infected and he could have died. Since that incident, I don't think I will have any problems with him going to the Dr. DH used to have a 6 pack and was alot thinner. He has put on weight and that is a touchy subject as well. Tell him that you love him and need him to be healthy for both of you. He is no good to himself or you if he is flat on his back with a bad back or has a heart attack, tell him if he wont do it for himself, to please do it for you!!!!

 

[janetupnorth]

Kacey - I understand thoroughly - I'm married to an EMT - he is THE LAST to go in.However, at least I know he would NEVER take my meds no matter if the dose matched.Too bad you didn't have kids...the "your kids do not want to be without a father" line works well.First, I'd hide your meds or run out!
Second, try Carolyn's idea - he-he
Third, try the "I know you want to be tough, but I hate to see you in pain, please go for me" line...
Fourth, keep praying (maybe that should be first).
Fifth, if he doesn't behave, tell him I'm coming over to MN to kick his butt and yes, I'm flexible enough for my foot to reach...and I think I can drag Rae with to do some ankle kicking.Good luck!

 

[merego]

[/B] I can answer that for you- hot, blonde, neked nurses!!!

Maybe you should wear a sexy nurse outfit and play Dr, ha ha

 

[KateD]

[/B] I can answer that for you- hot, blonde, neked nurses!!!

Heh, I don't think those kinds of doctors are covered by city health insurance.

 

[janetupnorth]

[/B] I can answer that for you- hot, blonde, neked nurses!!!

He-he - so tell him he can't enjoy sex with you with his back out!

 

[JAE]

You could have a calm talk with him and let him know how you feel about him using your meds and sleeping separately.You could gently ask him if he would "please" go to the doctor to get his own meds and wear the back brace. If he says "no" or makes excuses you could say something like, "so, what I'm hearing is that you don't care about the way I feel." And/Or, you could say, "I'm not going to let you use my drugs if you won't go to the doctor." Otherwise, you can't do anything. You have to let him suffer. If there are things you'd like to do like go for a walk or bike ride together and he can't go because of his back then you say things like, "I'm so sorry that we can't do this together. I guess I'll go by myself" or "I guess I'll call so and so to go with me."

Whatever you do, you won't get anywhere nagging or telling him that he should do this, that, or the other thing. Of course, the Holy Spirit will do his part which is more than you could ever do.

 

[merego]

I do that- but what he does is then snacks the entire night on about 1500 calories of foods that should be used for meals and lunches. Like a bag of chips, or a package of Oreo's he has no ability to eat things in moderation. I would stop buying those things, but then there are no chips for when I'd actually like a few, and no cookies for when 2 oreos and some milk sound good to me... see my quandry. Oh, and I always make 2 veggies at supper each night- he won't eat them! Only peas and beets. Both loaded with carbs and sugar... Tonight I feel a little on the edge here!

I don't say much about his weight because I've only lost 23 of the 45+ pounds I gained while on steriods for 2 years. Then the hormone therapy caused me to gain weight as well. But I take care of myself, exercise- even though it isn't intense, and I eat well...

I'm with you girl, when I watch DH eat an entire pack of Oreos or a whole thing of ice cream, not only do I want to puke, I find myself not even attracted to him at that particular time.

 

[janetupnorth]

Sad that we are all thinking variations of the same thing...

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Kacey - I understand thoroughly - I'm married to an EMT - he is THE LAST to go in.

However, at least I know he would NEVER take my meds no matter if the dose matched.

Too bad you didn't have kids...the "your kids do not want to be without a father" line works well.

First, I'd hide your meds or run out!
Second, try Carolyn's idea - he-he
Third, try the "I know you want to be tough, but I hate to see you in pain, please go for me" line...
Fourth, keep praying (maybe that should be first).
Fifth, if he doesn't behave, tell him I'm coming over to MN to kick his butt and yes, I'm flexible enough for my foot to reach...and I think I can drag Rae with to do some ankle kicking.

Good luck!

Okay, I'll tell him you and RAE are coming! I will certainly pray and I've done the do it for me if you won't do it for you- and he just doesn't care...or at least that's how it appears since it doesn't work. If I hide my meds I'll forget where I put them...it's a 5 thing!

 

[janetupnorth]

Okay, I'll tell him you and RAE are coming! I will certainly pray and I've done the do it for me if you won't do it for you- and he just doesn't care...or at least that's how it appears since it doesn't work. If I hide my meds I'll forget where I put them...it's a 5 thing!

Hey, we'll hide them for you. We'll pick the spot, you go put them there and when you need them, just ask us where they are!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Maybe you should wear a sexy nurse outfit and play Dr, ha ha

Yeah, I think warm, fluffy and brunette isn't the same...:yuck:

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Maybe you should wear a sexy nurse outfit and play Dr, ha ha

Right now the only doctor I'd want to play would be Kavorkian! Well, not really but it's tempting!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

He-he - so tell him he can't enjoy sex with you with his back out!

I'm I don't wanna do the whole TMI thing, but trust me when I say that he can because of his proximaty to the mattress.... shoot so much for not sharing too much...

 

[Kitchen Diva]

You could have a calm talk with him and let him know how you feel about him using your meds and sleeping separately.You could gently ask him if he would "please" go to the doctor to get his own meds and wear the back brace. If he says "no" or makes excuses you could say something like, "so, what I'm hearing is that you don't care about the way I feel." And/Or, you could say, "I'm not going to let you use my drugs if you won't go to the doctor." Otherwise, you can't do anything. You have to let him suffer. If there are things you'd like to do like go for a walk or bike ride together and he can't go because of his back then you say things like, "I'm so sorry that we can't do this together. I guess I'll go by myself" or "I guess I'll call so and so to go with me."

Whatever you do, you won't get anywhere nagging or telling him that he should do this, that, or the other thing. Of course, the Holy Spirit will do his part which is more than you could ever do.

I'll try the calm conversation again... maybe this time it will work. I think I'm gonna sic (sp?) the Holy Spirit on him!

 

[merego]

Yeah, I think warm, fluffy and brunette isn't the same...:yuck:

he married you didn't he??, a little role play may work Kacey RN reporting for duty, Regan has a little Dr's kit you can borrow Although I may not want it back after role play~ hee hee

 

[janetupnorth]

he married you didn't he??, a little role play may work Kacey RN reporting for duty, Regan has a little Dr's kit you can borrow Although I may not want it back after role play~ hee hee

Yeah, tell him to need to find his femoral pulse.

 

[merego]

DH just came home, limping and complaining... He twisted his knee playing Volleyball tonight.... oh brother... here we go!!!! Luckily my aunt works for an orthopedic Dr. Guess who I'll be calling tomorrow am??? He just asked where the advil was and could I get it for him?? ummmm NO!!!!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

he married you didn't he??, a little role play may work Kacey RN reporting for duty, Regan has a little Dr's kit you can borrow Although I may not want it back after role play~ hee hee

Eeeewwww- I'm not a porn star lady... just a regular hunk of burning love!


You dug the hole for that one!

 

[chefann]

Can I pipe in on Carolyn's suggestion? As the party in this household who won't go to the doctor, I'd be FURIOUS if DH was that sneaky and tricked me that way. And I'd walk out of the office - probably out of the home as well. You should really consider what your DH's response would be if you took similar action.

 

[merego]

I'm I don't wanna do the whole TMI thing, but trust me when I say that he can because of his proximaty to the mattress.... shoot so much for not sharing too much...

Ok, so I don't get it??

 

[Kitchen Diva]

DH just came home, limping and complaining... He twisted his knee playing Volleyball tonight.... oh brother... here we go!!!! Luckily my aunt works for an orthopedic Dr. Guess who I'll be calling tomorrow am??? He just asked where the advil was and could I get it for him?? ummmm NO!!!!

I swear men only grow up long enough to get their driver's license, buy power tools and to get a job... but their still kids! AAARrrrrgggghhhhh

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Yeah, tell him to need to find his femoral pulse.

Yeah, he'd love that! but he's ticklish there...oh wait, I'm ticklish there...

It'll have to wait he's zonked out on the couch right now. I know some of his unwillingness to do anything is because he is going on 2 months with no job and no prospects in sight at all- he's worried, slightly bummed and when he gets like that he gets touchy, moody broody, cranky and bummed... basically everything I'm not!

 

[merego]

Eeeewwww- I'm not a porn star lady... just a regular hunk of burning love!


You dug the hole for that one!

ha ha, I guess then you don't want any of my other suggestions then. BRB DH needs an ice pack for his knee.

 

[BethCooks4U]

Can I pipe in on Carolyn's suggestion? As the party in this household who won't go to the doctor, I'd be FURIOUS if DH was that sneaky and tricked me that way. And I'd walk out of the office - probably out of the home as well. You should really consider what your DH's response would be if you took similar action.

I agree. That is not the way to handle it. Carolyn's husbands reaction is the unusual one. Most people would be so mad that it could cause unmendable rifts.

Tell him (again) that you love him and that you insist he go for YOU.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

he married you didn't he??, a little role play may work Kacey RN reporting for duty, Regan has a little Dr's kit you can borrow Although I may not want it back after role play~ hee hee

Yes but back then I was a true trophy wife- even had the email address to prove it [email protected]

Anywho- I was also skinnier, fitter, and hotter! Don't get me wrong, I'm still hot! I actually make my car look hot... most people just look hot in a certain car...nope not me- I'm so hot I make my car look hotter!

DH is zonked out on the couch...:grumpy:

 

[merego]

Yeah, he'd love that! but he's ticklish there...oh wait, I'm ticklish there...

It'll have to wait he's zonked out on the couch right now. I know some of his unwillingness to do anything is because he is going on 2 months with no job and no prospects in sight at all- he's worried, slightly bummed and when he gets like that he gets touchy, moody broody, cranky and bummed... basically everything I'm not!

I would tell him if he loved you, he would go to the Dr.

 

[chefann]

I would tell him if he loved you, he would go to the Dr.

That feels a lot like coercion to me, too. But that's just me - your mileage may vary.

 

[scottcooks]

A guy's perspectiveAt the risk of sticking my nose in someone else's business, I have a couple of different thoughts.1 - why is he eating so much? I pig out on junk food when I am either really stressed, or feel very slighted -- a previous counselor described it as "stuffing" behavior.2 - is he getting together with his buddies? Guy time is important. He can blow off steam and compare notes.3 - what are you doing to demonstrate a healthy lifestyle? Do you go walking? Gym? One of the most motivating things to someone is seeing someone else getting results.4 - one of the best back solutions is to get a mattress or air mattress on the FLOOR and have that support you. 5 - separate bedrooms seems drastic, but I don't know either of you.6 - instead of the whole tray of oreos, buy a 6-pack or a small bag of chips. Keep them in your purse or have them on the counter. More importantly, be SURE there is a good selection of healthier choices THAT HE LIKES - be it fresh cherries, bananas, apples, yogurt, carrots already cut & peeled, whatever.7 - Guys have a big pride thing when they get sick or their body breaks down. I had circumstance to be in the hospital for heart concerns, and my biggest issue with it all, was not wanting my two toddlers to see me in a hospital gown--I want them to know me as their big strong dad, not sickly. Your guy may not be in a logical place right now. Approach his emotion by telling him how it scares you and asking what he wants from you for support. If he wants you to dust it under the carpet and ignore everything, tell him you can do that...for TWO days but after that you will haul his big self in to the doc to get it figured out - and then do that. He will be testing you on your leaving him alone, so do it. Finally, any chance you can call his parents and tell them how worried you are? Good luck; will keep you both in my prayers.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Ok, so I don't get it??

I'll pm you...

 

[chefann]

Ok, so I don't get it??

That sounds like a whole different problem.

There are pills that can help with that marital issue.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Can I pipe in on Carolyn's suggestion? As the party in this household who won't go to the doctor, I'd be FURIOUS if DH was that sneaky and tricked me that way. And I'd walk out of the office - probably out of the home as well. You should really consider what your DH's response would be if you took similar action.

He would not be upset because I did all the work--- made the appointment, drove him there...told the doctor why he was there...

 

[chefann]

He would not be upset because I did all the work--- made the appointment, drove him there...told the doctor why he was there...

It's not the "doing the work" issue, it's the untruthfulness of it, and the underlying implication that party A (person making the appointment) doesn't trust person B to do it.

I don't go to the doctor for various reasons. I expect DH to at least respect those reasons, even if he doesn't agree with them himself. If he were to make an appointment, then that shows complete disregard on his part for my beliefs. It also turns the relationship from husband-wife to parent-child.

 

[KateD]

He would not be upset because I did all the work--- made the appointment, drove him there...told the doctor why he was there...

I guess that's why it's good to know your spouse! My DH would be more like Ann... incredibly mad and hurt that I had betrayed trust. It may seem like on a little thing, but it would seriously damage our relationship, since trust is our foundation.

Other spouses obviously see it more like a birthday surprise - you didn't ask for it, and you didn't know about it (and little misleadings happened to get it in place), but not a serious betrayal. Everyone is different.

But if he would be happy if you did all the work, couldn't you do all of the work without misleading him until you got there? I wish that would work for DH!

I have thought about getting a guy friend or someone at church to talk to him, but there isn't really anyone he's close enough to that's not basically on his pig-stubborn side!

 

[BethCooks4U]

I see nothing wrong with you doing all the work - making the appointment, getting him there, telling the doctor what's going on. What I have a problem with is getting him there under false pretenses.

Could he be depressed about the job situation and the sister situation and everything else - and now you have a job but he still doesn't? Depression often rears it's head after things start getting better.

Give him tough love and insist he go for both of you and tell him you're making the appointment for him.

 

[katie0128]

I've gotta get my church deposit done for this week or some people (including me!) might not get paid, but had to chime in on this one.

I'm not touching the DH is overweight thing because I haven't figured out how to handle it. HOWEVER, I do know all about the "my back hurts" deal. DH had been complaining about his back for a bit and I finally took him to his MD. MD gave him meds for ONE MONTH, but won't authorize a refill until DH went to the ortho and had an MRI. (Oh and for the record... I'm with Janet on the "don't share meds for any reason" thing. I was raised by an RN and that was a no-no in our house... way too many possible issues with sharing.)

Anyway, DH liked the pain meds and when he realized that the MD was serious about the no refill policy, he allowed me to drag him (with only moderate kicking and screaming) to the Ortho and had the MRI. Turned out he had not only 1 herniated disc, but degenerative arthritis in his spine as well (yet another great thing his parents passed down to him!). We did epidural steroid injections - first one helped bunches, second one didn't do much and third one seemed to make the pain worse. But DH didn't want to do anything more... except keep taking pain meds.

So being the very supportive, loving DW that I am, I called primary MD and asked for the "no refill policy" to be in force again until after he had another MRI. MD agreed and DH wasn't real happy with either of us. But he had another MRI and it showed a second herniation, which was one disc lower and worse than the first. By this time, DH was finally in agreement that he couldn't live with the pain and primary MD (I love this man) would only authorize the meds if he saw DH actively trying to treat this problem.

We tried a pain management clinic - they were idiots. Ortho that did the first MRI wanted to do a fusion and nothing else. So we got a second opinion from a much nicer Ortho that spent lots of time talking with us and explaining our options and why he was really not too keen on doing the fusion since DH was only 30 at the time. That was an operation he reserved for people much older because after that is done, there isn't any further treatment available at this time.

DH ended up having a microdiscectomy - removing the herniated part of the disc, but only one of the discs could be done. If that didn't work, then our only other options are disc replacement (not a great option for DH) or fusion. Glad we chose the option we did and it has been 18 months since his surgery. It was successful by the surgeons standards - meaning that DH's pain is markedly reduced, but unfortunately not completely gone. However, I'll take "markedly reduced" when it means that DH isn't taking 3-4 Oxycontin per day just to "get by".

Hopefully you can use this to "encourage" (read: scare) DH into at least seeing his primary MD. It could just be that he needs to lose weight and the back pain will go away. But it could very easily be something much more that usually will get much worse without treatment.

P.S. - If DH's really bad disc ruptured before he had the microdiscectomy, he would have had no option but to have the fusion... which is a very invasive surgery, requiring bone grafts (usually from your hip) to create the fusion and MONTHS for recovery. DH's dad had a fusion in his neck and he was off work for about 6 weeks and it took nearly 2 years before he was markedly improved. Not a fun surgery or recover!


... so maybe this wasn't "chiming in", but rather playing an operetta for you!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

A guy's perspective

At the risk of sticking my nose in someone else's business, I have a couple of different thoughts.

Scott- my reply is in RED
1 - why is he eating so much? I pig out on junk food when I am either really stressed, or feel very slighted -- a previous counselor described it as "stuffing" behavior. It's just something he does- he just grabs a bag of chips and will eat half of it or all of it in one sitting. I'm sure the loss of his job has a little to do with it, but he's been doing this for 15 years, only youth isn't on his side any more.
2 - is he getting together with his buddies? Guy time is important. He can blow off steam and compare notes. DH has one friend- and that friend treats him like crap-I wish he had more friends- but there is no balance when he does- he's either with them all the time, or with me all the time... see a pattern?

3 - what are you doing to demonstrate a healthy lifestyle? Do you go walking? Gym? One of the most motivating things to someone is seeing someone else getting results. I walk our dogs every night for 45 minutes. I also do Pilate's. I also have to eat similarly to what is in the Zone diet- my results do not motivate him, they demotivate him

4 - one of the best back solutions is to get a mattress or air mattress on the FLOOR and have that support you. We have a special mattress- he's stubborn.


5 - separate bedrooms seems drastic, but I don't know either of you. When we needed to attend counseling our counselor understood why and agreed with it. I am a VERY light sleeper, and DH snores like a freight train. If we are together no one sleeps... if he's in another room- we both sleep. It's temporary and even his doctor said he knows so many married couples that do the same thing.

6 - instead of the whole tray of oreos, buy a 6-pack or a small bag of chips. Keep them in your purse or have them on the counter. More importantly, be SURE there is a good selection of healthier choices THAT HE LIKES - be it fresh cherries, bananas, apples, yogurt, carrots already cut & peeled, whatever. That's just it- he doesn't like anything healthy- I buy fruit and ones he claims to be willing to eat, and if I don't get to them, they get thrown away. The produce is not the best quality in MN- you would think it would be, but it's not. It is hard, or rotten and no inbetween. Unless you like grapes. Trust me- there is plenty of good things here to eat and if I don't buy the chips he'll go and buy them... see my dilema?

7 - Guys have a big pride thing when they get sick or their body breaks down. I had circumstance to be in the hospital for heart concerns, and my biggest issue with it all, was not wanting my two toddlers to see me in a hospital gown--I want them to know me as their big strong dad, not sickly. Your guy may not be in a logical place right now. Approach his emotion by telling him how it scares you and asking what he wants from you for support. If he wants you to dust it under the carpet and ignore everything, tell him you can do that...for TWO days but after that you will haul his big self in to the doc to get it figured out - and then do that. He will be testing you on your leaving him alone, so do it. That is something I can do!
Finally, any chance you can call his parents and tell them how worried you are? Good luck; will keep you both in my prayers.

His mother is dead to him (she abused DH and his brothers and sexually abused his sisters) and his father is actually dead- passed away when DH was 10) THanks for the prayers, thought ! And for the manly advice- I do appreciate it! I don't have a man I can turn to for advice like this.


Okay, so now that this post makes my husband seem like a twit... he's not- so please don't think that. Our sleeping in seperate beds is just for sleep- there's plenty of "happiness" going on even though we don't sleep together if ya know what I mean. Also he goes almost all day without eating and then will eat all his calories in one or two sittings in the evening. He knows this isnt' healthy but he does it. He traded in cigarettes for chips and little debbie snack cakes. He lost 30 pounds on South Beach- but after 2 months wouldn't eat like that anymore... and that was years ago.

He's really not a jerk and he's not disgusting fat, but he has a big belly and his face got rounder- and he's too short to be as heavy as he is. I know it's killing his back and his knee. He was in the USAF for 23+ years, and always managed to stay on the thin side- but over the past 4 years it's gotten out worse... And I'm weary because he won't take better care of himself. He could start using the treadmill like he said he was going to if he'd go to the doctor and get some medicine, heal his back- and he'd be able to walk....

HTH

 

[Kitchen Diva]

It's not the "doing the work" issue, it's the untruthfulness of it, and the underlying implication that party A (person making the appointment) doesn't trust person B to do it.

I don't go to the doctor for various reasons. I expect DH to at least respect those reasons, even if he doesn't agree with them himself. If he were to make an appointment, then that shows complete disregard on his part for my beliefs. It also turns the relationship from husband-wife to parent-child.

LET ME CLARIFY- I misunderstood Carolyn's post. I thought she was just taking him to the doctor and making the appointment for him... I was trying to do two things at once when reading her post. I'm glad that it worked for Carolyn- and I still stand by the fact that John would not get upset. I at least know that much about him.

Don't worry Miss Ann. I won't make an appointment for him and tell him it's for me. He wouldn't want to come, and I don't believe in being deceitful with him...

And with his health issues he has no business not going to the doctor. He needs to and that's why I'm frustrated.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I've gotta get my church deposit done for this week or some people (including me!) might not get paid, but had to chime in on this one.

I'm not touching the DH is overweight thing because I haven't figured out how to handle it. HOWEVER, I do know all about the "my back hurts" deal. DH had been complaining about his back for a bit and I finally took him to his MD. MD gave him meds for ONE MONTH, but won't authorize a refill until DH went to the ortho and had an MRI. (Oh and for the record... I'm with Janet on the "don't share meds for any reason" thing. I was raised by an RN and that was a no-no in our house... way too many possible issues with sharing.)

Anyway, DH liked the pain meds and when he realized that the MD was serious about the no refill policy, he allowed me to drag him (with only moderate kicking and screaming) to the Ortho and had the MRI. Turned out he had not only 1 herniated disc, but degenerative arthritis in his spine as well (yet another great thing his parents passed down to him!). We did epidural steroid injections - first one helped bunches, second one didn't do much and third one seemed to make the pain worse. But DH didn't want to do anything more... except keep taking pain meds.

So being the very supportive, loving DW that I am, I called primary MD and asked for the "no refill policy" to be in force again until after he had another MRI. MD agreed and DH wasn't real happy with either of us. But he had another MRI and it showed a second herniation, which was one disc lower and worse than the first. By this time, DH was finally in agreement that he couldn't live with the pain and primary MD (I love this man) would only authorize the meds if he saw DH actively trying to treat this problem.

We tried a pain management clinic - they were idiots. Ortho that did the first MRI wanted to do a fusion and nothing else. So we got a second opinion from a much nicer Ortho that spent lots of time talking with us and explaining our options and why he was really not too keen on doing the fusion since DH was only 30 at the time. That was an operation he reserved for people much older because after that is done, there isn't any further treatment available at this time.

DH ended up having a microdiscectomy - removing the herniated part of the disc, but only one of the discs could be done. If that didn't work, then our only other options are disc replacement (not a great option for DH) or fusion. Glad we chose the option we did and it has been 18 months since his surgery. It was successful by the surgeons standards - meaning that DH's pain is markedly reduced, but unfortunately not completely gone. However, I'll take "markedly reduced" when it means that DH isn't taking 3-4 Oxycontin per day just to "get by".

Hopefully you can use this to "encourage" (read: scare) DH into at least seeing his primary MD. It could just be that he needs to lose weight and the back pain will go away. But it could very easily be something much more that usually will get much worse without treatment.

P.S. - If DH's really bad disc ruptured before he had the microdiscectomy, he would have had no option but to have the fusion... which is a very invasive surgery, requiring bone grafts (usually from your hip) to create the fusion and MONTHS for recovery. DH's dad had a fusion in his neck and he was off work for about 6 weeks and it took nearly 2 years before he was markedly improved. Not a fun surgery or recover!


... so maybe this wasn't "chiming in", but rather playing an operetta for you!

DH has 4 herniated discs AND degenerative's disc disease. It runs in his family. Our 19 year old niece had back surgery at the age of 18- he WILL not go to a back surgeon, or to physcial therapy.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I see nothing wrong with you doing all the work - making the appointment, getting him there, telling the doctor what's going on. What I have a problem with is getting him there under false pretenses.

Could he be depressed about the job situation and the sister situation and everything else - and now you have a job but he still doesn't? Depression often rears it's head after things start getting better.

Give him tough love and insist he go for both of you and tell him you're making the appointment for him.

Yes, and maybe that's why I'm frustrated as well- something good happens to us and he thinks it's just good happening to me and he is not that fun to be around.

I'll talk to him tomorrow. I'm off to bed- he's asleep on the couch... I'll check back tomorrow. THanks for the thoughts, guys.

Oh, and I'm asking that everyone just take a deep breath... I'm not going to be deceitful to DH and what works for one person might not work for another and what one feels is right another might feel is wrong... so I appreciate all the advice and ideas and opinions and options...

I get nervous when people start getting a little riled up because I feel like I've caused it.

 

[katie0128]

DH has 4 herniated discs AND degenerative's disc disease. It runs in his family. Our 19 year old niece had back surgery at the age of 18- he WILL not go to a back surgeon, or to physcial therapy.

If he know this and is still not willing to seek help, you need to quit enabling him and refuse to let him take your pain meds. If he wants to be bull-headed and not see and MD or PT, then that is his choice. But that also means that without an Rx in HIS NAME, he is not going to be taking pain meds at home.

I did tell DH at one point that I would respect his decision to not see an MD, but if that is what he chose to do then I didn't want to hear him complain or use it as an excuse to not do something or to lay in front of the tv all day.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

If he know this and is still not willing to seek help, you need to quit enabling him and refuse to let him take your pain meds. If he wants to be bull-headed and not see and MD or PT, then that is his choice. But that also means that without an Rx in HIS NAME, he is not going to be taking pain meds at home.

I did tell DH at one point that I would respect his decision to not see an MD, but if that is what he chose to do then I didn't want to hear him complain or use it as an excuse to not do something or to lay in front of the tv all day.

Good news, I only had 5 left and he's used them all over the past 2 weeks, secondly I agree with your last paragraph. I'm gonna pray about it some more and just give it up to God and let Him deal with DH- He made DH so He knows what will work on him and just how to get him to do something....

Good night