Personal Dealing with In-Laws: Tips for Getting Along During the Holidays

[princessmeshelle]

ok, my DH's family and i don't get along. last month while he was training in CA (we live in AK) his folks visited him and invited us home for christmas. well, to make a long story short, EVERYTIME we go home to visit SOMETHING happens. i try my hardest to play nice but it just isn't in my wiring. i'm obnoxious, i'm sarcastic, and i say what is on my mind even if you won't like it. according to my FIL i'm a .... witch. i think you can fill in the real word. but it seems once a year my DH gets amnesia and wants to go home. i have already said i would be willing to go( my family and friends are in the same town so it won't be stuck with his folks 24/7). we even have free tickets home. if we do go, does anyone have advice on how to try to get along? i would try a heart to heart but this group isn't the heart to heart type. i have tried biting my tounge, i have tried playing nice, i have tried to fake having a good time. and then his dad's girlfriend opens her mouth and says SOMETHING, and usually keeps on about whatever and i end up having to defend myself verbally. it is just a vicous cycle. i want it to be different. any advice?

 

[pcsharon1]

The heart to heart is a nice idea but the truth is that since it's your DH family it is up to him to make things work. Not that you can act however you want to and they just have to deal with it - my but that would be a perfect world, wouldn't it? - but as long as he sits by and says or does nothing then in their minds he is agreeing with them. Crazy isn't it? I've learned it the hard way. Now don't get me wrong....my In-laws are very nice people and I really think they love us (including me now that I have given birth to their grandchild) but they have a tendency to do and say things that they really shouldn't. I beleive the entire thing would stop if my husband would just stand up and back me up instead of nodding in agreement with whoever is talking, whether it's me or them or his sister or who, He wants everybody to be happy and to keep the peace and it's never going to happen.

In all I guess the best thing to do is sit down and talk to your DH first and then make sure you agree on how things should be and make him take a stand along side you to make it happen. You may have to give a little and his family may have to give, too, but once they find out that he is going to stand WITH you on things, maybe they won't be so bad.

 

[mscharf]

I know you have probably heard this before, but you just have to be the bigger person if you ever want this to change. If the girlfriend makes a comment you have two choices, ignore it or tell her it was inappropriate. Ignore it- she might just give up, b/c she is not getting a rise out of you OR tell her it was innappropriate, it might embarass her a bit.
I hope things work out, I would definately have a talk with DH before you go, and make sure he is going to stand up for you and back you up.

 

[princessmeshelle]

i wish the birth of a grandchild would help. i found out that to them, i am now a nanny. when we visit, I take care of all things baby. nevermind that they have a father whose hands aren't broken. and you see, its comments like that that make them unhappy. my hubby wants to bounce around between both our parents houses. i'm tempted to put my foot down on that one and insist on my folk's house because they have more room, it will give me time to recharge and we can settle Phil, my 3 yr old(almost), into one new place he will have to sleep at instead of a different place every night. i'm affraid of causing trouble over something as little as a bed. i'm not trying to shoot down sugestions, but as for being the bigger person, if i gonor it long enough i end up going off. and if i point it out they say I'M trying to cause trouble. in that house, i can't win. but i think a heart to hear with DH is gonna happen. and i don't think he is gonna like it. thanks y'all, if any one else has some words of wisdom, feel free to share.

 

[Shawnna]

If you feel that strongly my suggestion would definately be to sleep at your parents home...if that is not uncomfortable for your DH. Or, perhaps you could stay at a hotel...I know it costs money, but you would have your own space and not have to worry about getting in other peoples way or feeling like you were in the way. I feel for you. I don't fight with my inlaws but they make me mad enough to fight with their little snide comments and holier than thou attitude. One of my SILs thinks everything has to be the way she wants it no matter how much the rest of us dislike it or how uncomfortable it might make us. We have 2 get togethers with the inlaws. One is for DHs mother, sisters and the spouses and kids, and the other is for his whole family...aunts uncles sisters mom grandmother and all the grandkids...you talk about a nightmare.

The other thing I would say is for you to pray that God will help you. Cause you and I both know...from experience...that when we open our mouths to protest/defend ourselves it just makes things worse and we are the bad guys. So, pray that the Lord will give you wisdom, that He will help you to be slow to speak and quick to listen, and even that He would guard the opening of your mouth that you won't say anything hurtful. I would also ask that He guard your heart and your feelings. Some people are just plain mean and they hurt us...and enjoy doing it. As for your husband, he should stand up for you...you can't agree with everyone...sometimes you have to take a side. But, remember too that this is his father and no matter how much we disagree with our parents, siblings, etc. we still love them and want to show respect for/to them. But, the Bible says that when we marry we are to cling to our spouse and leave our parents. That doesn't mean be disrespectful to them but it does mean that we should be taking care of each other.

 

[christinaspc]

I can relate granted my hubby's parents lives 45 mins away but we don't go around them for the same reason his father treats me just as bad. We went up to their house for a dinner in October cause his brother came home to visit and he hadn't been back since we got married 7 yrs ago. Well they totally ignored me till they got to the point where they complained to me about how I am raising my kids( my son has ADHD and they think that i let the doctor talk me into thinking he was stupid and that is why he is on medicine) They don't totally claim my son as theirs either cause I have my son before me and mly hubby got married. Well after everything that went on we didn't go there for thanksgiving and normally we do we went to my moms just a couple blocks away and I told my hubby this was probably our best thanksgiving. We told them if they and his aunt and uncle want to come over to our house on Dec. 20th to have christmas and they made the comment to hubby do you really think christina could handle doing the food HELLO I KNOW HOW TO COOK....

I can say is keep your mind and peace and try to keep your cool no mater what they say I know how hard that is to do... Like you said you would be able to go and visit your family and I guess when it gets out of controll go and visit your family and leave your hubby with his family.

 

[etteluap70PC]

I have not read all the responses but here are my suggestions.
1... Go but do not stay with your inlaws the whole time. I would spend a nite or 2 with them a nite or 2 with your family and maybee a nite or 2 in a hotel. You need your sanity!
2... Plan all this out with your DH, in laws and you fam. No surprises for anyone.
3... If someone starts in and you find the need to speak up or defend yourself instead say something like. "We have different opinions on this matter. I would like to enjoy this time together not argue about how we live our lives. Let's agree to dissagree OK?" If they can not then just say you refuse to discuss the matter any more. That's it the end.
(Let your DH know how you plan to respond)