cmdtrgd
Gold Member
- 4,950
This is very sensitive to me so I'd like to start off with asking for confidentiality among our board members. Also, this is my personal experience, so I hope I don't offend anyone...I just need help.
I am dealing with pretty severe depression. For those of you who know my smart ass attitude online, and those of you who have met me in person, this might be a bit of a shock. I can still play those roles, but it has become exhausting. Much has been going into "wearing me down" the past 4 years and it is now affecting my business.
Side note - I am not suicidal and never have been. I am getting help via a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
I didn't mind so much when it just affected my personal business - ie, not following up as I usually do, getting behind on host coaching, etc. Now it is really affecting my team. I find that when I FINALLY have 5 people on my team going to Spring Launch (I have only had one person go with me to NC when I promoted in the 5 years I have done this) and they are calling me and attending meetings and helping each other, this is when I fall apart. I don't know if it is that I feel they have each other to lean on (I do want to support this, but not because I'm not there) or if it is just timing, but I'm not returning phone calls, emails, texts aren't too bad. Heck, I was supposed to reserve the two rooms for SL by Jan 11 and I got it done Feb 3. Luckily they still had rooms and still honored the discounted rate!
I have been open with most of them regarding past issues (let me count the ways - Mom's breast cancer, Husband having a plan for suicide and putting him in the hospital, my diagnosis with diabetes that is pretty far gone - 4 shots of insulin a day, wahoo....grr), but I feel that this is different for me. It is harder to know that things will/can/are getting better. It is difficult for me to know that I can be there for them and still get up in the morning and take a shower.
Part of me feels like it is another excuse, but I know that is what I call a "broken thought". For those of you who know psychology, I'm working with Cognitive Behavior Therapy, CBT. Anyway, the feelings suck and I don't know how to deal with this on a business and team level. I do have therapy tomorrow and we will be discussing this at length.
I don't think I'm looking for suggestions or ideas, unless you have a way for me to let my team know I'm hurting without getting into the details since the details change every day...every moment sometimes. I think I just need to write this out. Get it out there and have it be real. Maybe I'll be able to cry for the first time in a few months...side effect of CBT and drugs. Anyway, it is a huge change for me. I'm finally growing up, but that means I need to face my demons and kick them in the ass. I just can't seem to find the energy to do that, support Husband (he's got a lot going on and we do support each other emotionally...that's another novel!), do my business, support my team, wash the clothes so we can have stuff to wear (crap, forgot about that until just now...at least one good thing is coming from this post...sigh...I miss being a smart ass most of the time), sleep if I can or even wake up when I can't stop sleeping.
I see things as very extreme one way or the other. I'm either happy or sad. It is either wrong or right. It is done right or not at all. I am working on these in therapy, but it can be very frustrating when I can't see the other side anymore, or even care if it is there. I don't know if this is making sense, but I need to get it out.
I have always thought of myself as a strong and smart person. I so don't feel that way right now. I'm just so tired but can't get to sleep at night and then can't get up in the morning so I'm usually asleep by 3 or 4am and up for breakfast at 1pm. I can't break that no matter what I do - I've tried! I think the only good thing that has come out of the late nights is what I have coined "emotional scrapbooking". I have about 5 inches of scrapbook pages I have created (sans pictures right now...getting them printed) since November.
There are so many things I WANT to do, not just things I need to get done. I hate feeling this helpless yet I have no problem asking for help. I ask, I get it, and it doesn't seem to help, so there must be something wrong with me, right? But, that is another broken thought. I know it, I just don't feel it.
Geez, I think that is enough rambling for now. I might come back and post more on this manifesto. FYI, I might never look at this thread again....depends on what I feel I need to do or not do. So, if I don't respond on this thread, please don't feel bad. I may just need to throw this away...
If you're still here, you really must be bored! (Smart ass alert...still trying to be funnyish!) Thanks for listening/reading and I know you all love and support each other, including me. Know that means a lot and that even though I haven't been posting much, I do need you guys. I know you are there. And that gives me comfort.
No tears yet, but I did get a load of laundry in
Thanks
K
I am dealing with pretty severe depression. For those of you who know my smart ass attitude online, and those of you who have met me in person, this might be a bit of a shock. I can still play those roles, but it has become exhausting. Much has been going into "wearing me down" the past 4 years and it is now affecting my business.
Side note - I am not suicidal and never have been. I am getting help via a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
I didn't mind so much when it just affected my personal business - ie, not following up as I usually do, getting behind on host coaching, etc. Now it is really affecting my team. I find that when I FINALLY have 5 people on my team going to Spring Launch (I have only had one person go with me to NC when I promoted in the 5 years I have done this) and they are calling me and attending meetings and helping each other, this is when I fall apart. I don't know if it is that I feel they have each other to lean on (I do want to support this, but not because I'm not there) or if it is just timing, but I'm not returning phone calls, emails, texts aren't too bad. Heck, I was supposed to reserve the two rooms for SL by Jan 11 and I got it done Feb 3. Luckily they still had rooms and still honored the discounted rate!
I have been open with most of them regarding past issues (let me count the ways - Mom's breast cancer, Husband having a plan for suicide and putting him in the hospital, my diagnosis with diabetes that is pretty far gone - 4 shots of insulin a day, wahoo....grr), but I feel that this is different for me. It is harder to know that things will/can/are getting better. It is difficult for me to know that I can be there for them and still get up in the morning and take a shower.
Part of me feels like it is another excuse, but I know that is what I call a "broken thought". For those of you who know psychology, I'm working with Cognitive Behavior Therapy, CBT. Anyway, the feelings suck and I don't know how to deal with this on a business and team level. I do have therapy tomorrow and we will be discussing this at length.
I don't think I'm looking for suggestions or ideas, unless you have a way for me to let my team know I'm hurting without getting into the details since the details change every day...every moment sometimes. I think I just need to write this out. Get it out there and have it be real. Maybe I'll be able to cry for the first time in a few months...side effect of CBT and drugs. Anyway, it is a huge change for me. I'm finally growing up, but that means I need to face my demons and kick them in the ass. I just can't seem to find the energy to do that, support Husband (he's got a lot going on and we do support each other emotionally...that's another novel!), do my business, support my team, wash the clothes so we can have stuff to wear (crap, forgot about that until just now...at least one good thing is coming from this post...sigh...I miss being a smart ass most of the time), sleep if I can or even wake up when I can't stop sleeping.
I see things as very extreme one way or the other. I'm either happy or sad. It is either wrong or right. It is done right or not at all. I am working on these in therapy, but it can be very frustrating when I can't see the other side anymore, or even care if it is there. I don't know if this is making sense, but I need to get it out.
I have always thought of myself as a strong and smart person. I so don't feel that way right now. I'm just so tired but can't get to sleep at night and then can't get up in the morning so I'm usually asleep by 3 or 4am and up for breakfast at 1pm. I can't break that no matter what I do - I've tried! I think the only good thing that has come out of the late nights is what I have coined "emotional scrapbooking". I have about 5 inches of scrapbook pages I have created (sans pictures right now...getting them printed) since November.
There are so many things I WANT to do, not just things I need to get done. I hate feeling this helpless yet I have no problem asking for help. I ask, I get it, and it doesn't seem to help, so there must be something wrong with me, right? But, that is another broken thought. I know it, I just don't feel it.
Geez, I think that is enough rambling for now. I might come back and post more on this manifesto. FYI, I might never look at this thread again....depends on what I feel I need to do or not do. So, if I don't respond on this thread, please don't feel bad. I may just need to throw this away...
If you're still here, you really must be bored! (Smart ass alert...still trying to be funnyish!) Thanks for listening/reading and I know you all love and support each other, including me. Know that means a lot and that even though I haven't been posting much, I do need you guys. I know you are there. And that gives me comfort.
No tears yet, but I did get a load of laundry in
Thanks
K