Protect Your Child: How to Obtain a Restraining Order for School Stalking

[GeorgiaPeach]

Two years ago a boy at my daughter's school started stalking her (she was a sophmore). Following her in the halls, staring at her, brushing against her bottom in the halls. She was uncomfortable but since the halls were crowded, she couldn't prove it was him. I told her to report him if it happened again (brushing against her). It stopped right after that.

Last year he wrote her a note detailing things he liked about her body, etc. We immediately took it to the school and campus police talked to him and filed a report. Nothing else happened the rest of the year.

Today I get a call to come to the school, she got another note and was really shaken up. This note talks about how he has 2 personalities...one good, one bad. The bad was "asleep" until he saw her. He goes on and on about how he has always done bad things to girls he liked and he doesn't know why. He blamed her for everything "if she would have told him to stop 2 years ago he would have". The entire note is very disturbing.

The principal suggested we might need to get a restraining order. Now that we have read the note, we agree. There is a hearing on Monday that my daughter will have to testify at (school board) where all the evidence will be presented against him in hopes of getting him put in an alternative school.

We are waiting til Monday to pursue the restraining order so we can have copies of the reports, etc.

Has anyone else gone through this? What do we do? What do we need to present as evidence of harrassment?

 

[DebbieSAChef]

PrayI am so sorry you are having to go through this. I have never experienced such a thing. It is very disturbing and it is a good thing you are seeking a restraining order. I suggest you keep an extra close eye on your daughter if she plans to attend school related activities where this guy might be. Obviously he is not all there mentally.

As for evidence, I think the note is good. Also try to get some friends and witnesses to testify of the harrassing that has taken place. I will pray for you. That is the best thing to do in any situation.

Debbie

 

[Lisa/ChefBear]

I would NOT wait.........I'm so sorry that your family is going through this.

But, I personally wouldn't wait until Monday. THat's just me.

But I have a unique perspective, as I used to work for our County Courthouse and processed the paperwork for first Civil restraining orders and in PA they are called Protection from Abuse Orders or PFA's.

If it had to go to Criminal side of office, then it was a different matter entirely, but I would NOT wait until Monday if it were my daughter.

If the school recommended you wait until school's hearing, then someone did a HUGE dis-service toyou and your daughter, sounds like they want to sweep under school carpet and not take it any further, and don't do that, as then he can keep doing this to others without anyone KNOWING he's done it before.

She should get something immediately and he can be made immediately to stay away from her. If he were going to be in school with her until then, I'm sorry I'd have my daighter out for illegal days before I'd allow her to go to school.

If you want to email me off list, that's fine, but I'd recommend a call to your local courthouse, Da's office in particular. Don't let it rest until Monday, please.

Lisa

 

[sfdavis918]

I agree, don't wait. That's a whole week for something to happen, especially since this hearing is coming up. Do it now. Better to be safe than sorry.

 

[Addie4TLC]

I was listening to public radio one day and they were discussing this very thing! It seems to be all too common for mainly boys to develop this behavior, sometimes it involves boyfriends. The girls keep this abuse quiet because they don't want to stir things up. It's very sad. I agree file ASAP.

 

[missydivine]

Lisa, you, your dd and family are in my prayers. Please make sure she is alert, we want everyone safe.

 

[kaceyleigh2]

I agree, don't wait but I think the school and law enforcement should be dealing with this student. He clearly has some mental health issues and probably needs some type of counseling.
I don't want to scare you, but a restraining order isn't going to protect your daughter if he really wants to hurt her, he will.
I'm sorry you are going through this and home that the school isstepping up and doing more to protect your daughter than simply suggest a restraining order.

ETA: I apologize, I did not see that he may be sent to another school. I do hope he can get the mental health counseling before something happens and everyone says "Oh yeah, come to think of it he did have issues..."

 

[Kathytnt]

How scary - I wouldn't wait either - This boy has some serious issues. It is terrible that your daughter is having to go through this and has been dealing ith this so long. He is blaming her for his issues - Typical psychological abuse. Sounds like he has admitted abusing other girls.

Put the order in the works now if you can and you willl have the additional paperwork on Monday. I am really concerned about the affect on your daughter. How is she holding up emotionally??

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers - Keep us updated

 

[nikkijo]

I agree do not wait. If you want a copy of all of the letters I am sure that the school can get you a copy. I also would keep your daughter home in the mean time, better to be safe than sorry. Could the board call an emergency meeting for tonight? This way she would only miss 1 day of school.

 

[KellyTheChef]

Lisa~

I have never had to deal with something like that...I am sorry that your daughter and your family are dealing with this. I will keep all of you in prayer.

 

[chefkristin]

Lisa I hope everything works out for your daughter. Don't wait until Monday.
My prayers are with you and your daughter. Keep us posted.

 

[tpchefrebecca]

I agree don't wait! I had this sort of thing happen to me when I was in highschool. It didn't get as far as your dd's situation but it was still scary. The police were involved and luckily he did end up going to a different school and left me alone.

I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[janetupnorth]

I'm not even taking time to read all of this before I post what others probably have said...

DO NOT WAIT!!!!


They will give a restraining order based on current evidence and you can always go back to them later and file the school paperwork as additional support for the restraining order or to try and make it "more severe".

The comments of that boy are scary and uncalled for and I'd do EVERYTHING in my power to protect my daughter from harm!

 

[chefheidi2003]

I agree. Don't wait. Get it now and add evidence later, when you get the school reports. That is almost a week away that is entirely too long to wait.

 

[kspry]

I'd call the parents of the boy and ask to meet with them, before going to the police.

 

[janetupnorth]

I'd call the parents of the boy and ask to meet with them, before going to the police.

If this situation was where she described it previously, I'd agree, but at the current situation she may be putting her child at more risk by doing that. She can still let the boy's parents know what is happening without waiting on an order, but with an upcoming school hearing, I'd let the authorities be the liaisons.

 

[rennea]

I agree with everyone else DO NO WAIT!! I have been there in high school with a stalker!! It was horrible and to this day I still look over my shoulder for him.

I wouldn't talk to the parents until you have talked to the police, they may even tell you not too. Keep us updated, I pray that he gets scared and just leaves her alone.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Lisa, I only ready your post so I don't know what others have told you yet. GO TO THE POLICE RIGHT NOW! Do not wait until Monday. Do not rely on the school to handle it.

My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[Denarella]

Two years ago a boy at my daughter's school started stalking her (she was a sophmore). Following her in the halls, staring at her, brushing against her bottom in the halls. She was uncomfortable but since the halls were crowded, she couldn't prove it was him. I told her to report him if it happened again (brushing against her). It stopped right after that.

Last year he wrote her a note detailing things he liked about her body, etc. We immediately took it to the school and campus police talked to him and filed a report. Nothing else happened the rest of the year.

Today I get a call to come to the school, she got another note and was really shaken up. This note talks about how he has 2 personalities...one good, one bad. The bad was "asleep" until he saw her. He goes on and on about how he has always done bad things to girls he liked and he doesn't know why. He blamed her for everything "if she would have told him to stop 2 years ago he would have". The entire note is very disturbing.

The principal suggested we might need to get a restraining order. Now that we have read the note, we agree. There is a hearing on Monday that my daughter will have to testify at (school board) where all the evidence will be presented against him in hopes of getting him put in an alternative school.

We are waiting til Monday to pursue the restraining order so we can have copies of the reports, etc.

Has anyone else gone through this? What do we do? What do we need to present as evidence of harrassment?

OMG...My sister went this exact problem in college. Please go to the police. This guy could DRIVE and found out where my sister worked. Left her notes. He mailed her letters in the return envelope of a macy's bill and doctored the envelope. He followed her around campus. Although he didnt have a record, he got PreTrial Intervention which means he had to comply with the terms (com service, fines and stay away from her) and after a year, his record would be wiped clean. He did that and the DAY his PTI was over, he found her again. Meanwhile, she couldnt put her engagement picture in the paper b/c he'd find her new job and her new last name. He actually met my father at a convenience store in the middle of winter in boxing shorts with his body lathered with vaseline and wanted to 'fight' my dad. Its NEVER going to stop. Dont be proud! GET IT ON RECORD AND GET THE POLICE INVOLVED. Not just for your child's sake but for your ENTIRE family.....

 

[kspry]

If this situation was where she described it previously, I'd agree, but at the current situation she may be putting her child at more risk by doing that.

That's true, if they were contacted after the incident 2 years ago, I'm sure they boy's parents know what is coming.

 

[RuthV]

Don't wait. Go ahead and get the restraining order. Also, consider teaching your daughter basic self defense and get her some pepper spray or a personal alarm.

 

[chefann]

Check with the school first on sprays and alarms. They are considered weapons by many school districts, and are not allowed on campus. Even though the administration is aware of the situation, if other students see them, they'll want to bring contraband to school, too, creating more problems.

 

[janetupnorth]

Pepper spray has restrictions in most states and in the remaining it can only be carried legally by those over 18. I wouldn't want her daughter to get in trouble!

...and I KNOW she wouldn't be able to carry it at school.

 

[janetupnorth]

Sorry Ann, once again we were typing at the same time!

 

[chefheidi2003]

I do however think that getting her into some self defense classes wouldn't be a bad idea. I think that she needs to learn to defend herself.

 

[pamperedtara]

DON'T WAIT UNTIL MONDAY! Get the police involved immediately. That way it is on record there. If he knows about the hearing & if school people have met with him, it is very likely that he could try to contact her between now & Monday. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Has he tried to contact her via text messages, IMs, chat rooms, e-mail?? Keep it all as disturbing as it may be to read it. I had a stalker in college that left horrific messages on my answering machine for weeks before I finally called the police. After the first few calls, I would hit delete as soon as I heard it was him, and the police couldn't do anything until they heard one of the recordings. Hindsight - keep everything and call from the very first incident. School personnel and law enforcement are two totally separate entities - you need both of them involved. If he really has hurt other girls, he may already be on file at the police department. You are in my prayers!

 

[janetupnorth]

Two years ago a boy at my daughter's school started stalking her (she was a sophmore). Following her in the halls, staring at her, brushing against her bottom in the halls. She was uncomfortable but since the halls were crowded, she couldn't prove it was him. I told her to report him if it happened again (brushing against her). It stopped right after that.

Last year he wrote her a note detailing things he liked about her body, etc. We immediately took it to the school and campus police talked to him and filed a report. Nothing else happened the rest of the year.

Today I get a call to come to the school, she got another note and was really shaken up. This note talks about how he has 2 personalities...one good, one bad. The bad was "asleep" until he saw her. He goes on and on about how he has always done bad things to girls he liked and he doesn't know why. He blamed her for everything "if she would have told him to stop 2 years ago he would have". The entire note is very disturbing.

The principal suggested we might need to get a restraining order. Now that we have read the note, we agree. There is a hearing on Monday that my daughter will have to testify at (school board) where all the evidence will be presented against him in hopes of getting him put in an alternative school.

We are waiting til Monday to pursue the restraining order so we can have copies of the reports, etc.

Has anyone else gone through this? What do we do? What do we need to present as evidence of harrassment?

After the last comment posted, this really does stand out and is scary...what has he done that you or the school or the police don't know about...because maybe the other girl(s) is/are scared to report him. He needs to be stopped from ruining lives and get some serious help for himself.

 

[chefheidi2003]

After the last comment posted, this really does stand out and is scary...what has he done that you or the school or the police don't know about...because maybe the other girl(s) is/are scared to report him. He needs to be stopped from ruining lives and get some serious help for himself.

I had something similar happen to me when I was in the AF I was being sexually harrassed by one of our NCO's and I was afraid to report him because I didn't want to make things worse for me and I was getting ready for discharge so I figured that I would "suck it up" until I got out. Then when I found out that he did the same thing to about 4 other girls that I worked with I went and reported him. I came to find out that all 5 of us were afraid to report him, so then once I reported him they all had to give statements and he got in big trouble for it. I just thought that I would share that.

 

[cathyskitchen]

This is so scary, Lisa - my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family right now. I agree with everyone else - get the police involved NOW and do not risk your family any further.

This sounds all too familiar to the kid who just shot up a bunch of people at Virginia Tech last spring - he never got the help he needed b/c no one was willing to report him and do the things that were necessary to get him the help he desperately needed, and he finally 'snapped'. I would hate for something like that to happen in this case. That boy is seriously disturbed and needs help NOW. It is NOT your daughter's fault, and you should do everything you can to protect her from this kid. (((HUGS))) and keep us posted!!!

 

[GeorgiaPeach]

I am overwhelmed by all your responses. I started this thread after midnight when I couldn't sleep for thinking about this. Here is an update (and some additional info to answer questions that have been raised)....the boy is suspended pending the results of Monday's hearing. Kyla returned to school today after we were assured he would not be in the building. We drive her to school...watch her walk in the door...and are waiting when she walks out.

If she wants to go to the football game on Friday, her dad is going with her. At no time in the next week will she be without adult supervision. The principal, assistant principal, counselor, school social worker, and campus police have all been brought in on this. My husband and I believe that they are taking this very seriously.

I had to leave town this morning to baby sit my nephews in Florida while my sister attends a conference. (The boys are autistic and I am the only one she trusts to stay with them. This was planned two months ago so I needed to come.) For those of you that know Christian music, I was listening to Casting Crowns "I will praise You in this storm" while driving. I was just singing along and suddenly out of the blue started sobbing. I realized how torn I was to leave her (even though I know that she is completely safe with my husband). But it helped me realize that as much as I love her and want her protected, there is Someone else (God!) that loves her even more. She is in His hands.

My husband tried to contact the sheriff's department today regarding a restraining order. No one could tell him where to go or what to do. I will be on the phones tomorrow making calls from here until I get an answer.

The self defense course idea is a good one. She leaves for college next fall. We do have a family counselor at church that is going to work with Kyla. I want to make completely sure that she understands she did nothing wrong. I don't want her going away from home and taking that kind of "baggage" along with her.

Thank you so much for all the kind words and prayers sent on her/our behalf. Please keep them coming! Tonight she is documenting the entire situation for the campus police. I have talked to her twice tonight and you can just hear the stress in her voice.

 

[KellyTheChef]

Lisa~

That song you are referring to is a powerful one. My dad, brother, and I walked out to be seated at my Mom's funeral last June with that song playing. It meant a lot to my brother and I (both Christians) and we are still praying that our actions then and since then will speak loudly to our Dad.

Not to hijack your thread! He will get all of you (especially your daughter) through this time. Remember that others will be watching you to see how you handle this. You can be a great witness during this trial...as well as your daughter will be looking to you and your DH for cues as to how she should be reacting to this. I pray for her safety (physically and emotionally) as well as for the mental state of the boy harassing her. Sounds like he really needs help!

 

[pampchefrhondab]

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said, but I will be praying for your entire family!

Thank you for sharing this story. I have two teenage daughters and it's nice to know this happens a lot and sometimes isn't reported. I'm going to discuss it with them.

 

[GeorgiaPeach]

Thank you for sharing this story. I have two teenage daughters and it's nice to know this happens a lot and sometimes isn't reported. I'm going to discuss it with them.

Yes, if you have daughters, of all ages...discuss this issue with them (on an age appropriate level). Two years ago when this began she downplayed what was happening when telling us. She had kind of jokingly said she had a stalker but made it sound like just some boy at school had a crush on her and she kept seeing him in the hall. We didn't know until last year how uncomfortable it had made her. We also just assumed that she knew what to do when she had a problem at school. Even if you feel like you've told your kids many times....tell them again. They need to tell an adult IMMEDIATELY! Don't wait and think about it, hoping that it will just go away.

Yesterday, as soon as she opened the letter, she told the teacher she needed to see a principal immediately. This might sound odd but (if she had to go through this) I'm glad it's now while she's home and we can guide her through it and not next year when she's hours away at college.

 

[Chef Michelle D]

I am so sorry that your daughter is going through this. You are doing all the righ things by making sure she is not alone. But keep in mind once you do the get the restraining order that does not mean he will stay away from her. I would keep her in places that you know she will be safe and with other people that can help keep her safe.

DO NOT TALK TO THE BOYS FAMILY. If this case does have to go to court for any reason. You do not want the family have any information that can hurt the case. Just keep doing what you are doing. Your family is in my prayers.

 

[Chefgirl2]

Lisa,
First of all I can't believe your daughter is going to college next year...we are not that old. I am proud of you for doing the right thing and reporting him ASAP both tmes. I know if you had been able to be at home you would have done it the first thing this morning, but your sister needs you.
You are doing both at the same time. Do what you can from Florida. If you have to wait to finalize it then it was meant to be.

I know you are a strong woman with a great family. Report it, follow through and get this disturbed young man the help he needs. If a new school or jail is what it ends up being then once again it was meant to be.

You know you have friends who love all of you. If there is anything I can do from this end, please let me know. Elaine

 

[Kitchen2u]

OMG ~ my prayers for all of you ~ keep her safe. Of course, I'm in agreement with everyone here...don't wait.

My niece was threatened when she was is 3rd grade! Can you imagine? The principal wrote it off...but my sister didn't. The boy was transfered to another school only after my sister pursued the matter. A WRITTEN note from the boy..."I hate you, I'm going to KILL you." I just couldn't imagine a 3rd grader! Found out later when my sister pursued it with the Superintendent of the district...this was he 7th school?!?!?!

Later found out through a lawyer (my sister's), the kid hated kids that had straight A's. My niece was the only one in the class with straight A's...luclky for the other kids...

 

[Lisa/ChefBear]

Lisa,
Just call your local Courthouse and ask for District Attorney's Office or District Justice (Magistrate) Office. Either of those offices should be able to help you out!!

Local Sheriff's office should know where to file a complaint like this.

Please don't let this drop, it's something that just can not be swept under that school carpet, I know right now they're telling you what you want to hear, but from experience I've had, file something with State police, County offices, somewhere other than just with school. It's a place to start, but do something on your own now.

I would NOT contact boys parents, as they've got to know what he's doing and that can 'cause more problems down the road.

Keeping you in thoughts and prayers.

God Bless,
Lisa in PA

 

[GeorgiaPeach]

We do not plan (and never did) to contact the parents. The school was contacting the mother.

Today I was on the phone from 8:45 am until 1 pm trying to get answers. I remembered last night that one of my past consultants has a wife that works at the court house. It took her 6 calls to find who I should talk to. SIX CALLS...and she is part of the court system!! It shouldn't be this hard for a victim to find the help they need. I'm documenting all the different people I've had to call in order to get answers. There will be a letter to the editor coming once this is over.

The campus police are filing a police report this afternoon, which is what we need in order to get an order of protection. When I spoke with the campus police officer she had just gotten off the phone with the District Attorney's office. I'm glad to know that the school system is working with the county police so that everyone is aware of the situation.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Good news Lisa. I'm glad you are making some progress.....and it is ridiculous the hoops that you are having to go through though!

 

[chefmeg]

I would also talk to as many other parents as possible-who knows who else he may have threatened that is too afraid to come forward. It may sound like that is an infringement on his rights, but as far as I am concerned, he has none because he chose your kid to mess with!

 

[MomToEli]

Lisa, I will be praying here, as well. This may sound bad, but not only am I glad this is happening while she is still at home, I'm also glad it is happening in the environment we live in today - where recent events at the college level, that could have been prevented if heeded at the high school level, are front and center in everyone's mind.

Remember not to lower your guard because you have a restraining order. All that is is a piece of paper that gives law enforcement orders to arrest him if he comes around her - which won't do a lick of good if he decides to get up close and personal in a fast way. You are going to need MUCH more than that to avert a very dangerous situation for your daughter. Self-defense instruction would be an absolute minimum.

 

[kspry]

GeorgiaPeach, please don't get angry, but I think that not ever contacting the other parents is not the way society should work.

If my son should decide to stalk a girl in high school, God forbid, I would want to be one of the first ones to know. And I would make his life such hell on earth, more than any school admin could.

How dare he do that to someone!

So, I hope you see what I am saying.

There was a "King of the Hill" episode where some kid was jumping out at Bobby, and constantly scaring Bobby. Hank Hill went and talked to the other parent. Well - I don't know if you watch "King of the Hill". Bobby never had to deal with that kid again - his parents did.

 

[kspry]

Yesterday, as soon as she opened the letter, she told the teacher she needed to see a principal immediately. This might sound odd but (if she had to go through this) I'm glad it's now while she's home and we can guide her through it and not next year when she's hours away at college

.

I forgot to add, I had some kid following me in high school. We didn't have the "stalker" word back then. I was way too shy, and too polite for my own good. I never told my parents.

I'm glad your daughter told you about this. She will be stronger for it, and when she gets out into the world, she will know how to better handle these things.

There was an earlier post about the military. I finally learned how to stand up for myself when I worked at a military place right out of college. These guys would come up and put their hands on my shoulders and stuff in the office, preteneding to give me a shoulder massage. It was terrible. One day I told this old lech, I really don't like to be touched by you. They all laughed and started the frigid jokes.
(edit - and another way older lady in the office told me later, someone has needed to tell him that for years)

So - it doesn't sound odd. Best wishes to you, your family,and actually, that perverted kid - I hope he turns his head around.

 

[Carissidy]

That is so scarey! I really feel for you and her. I personally went through this in highschool. I was so parynoid! They even set up a buddy system do get someone to walk with me to my next class. But definitely DO NOT WAIT persue this asap for your daughters sake. Now a days you can't be too careful... i had to turn to Abused Womens Advocacy Project... They helped find the correct evidence, they explained to me what was going to happen and how it would be handled, helped me to be strong enough to face him and also sat right there with me through the whole thing..It sure was great to have them their. They sure were an unbelievable help for me... Maybe you could try them, just looking for advice as to how to handle this situation. (when they answer the phone here at the Maine center they just say hello when they answer because enraged husbands and boyfriends would trace the call) Good Luck I hope all turns out for the best!

 

[cmdtrgd]

I agree with NOT contacting the parents. With today's litigious society, you never know how what you might say could be turned into a slander lawsuit. It is unfortunate, but it could happen.As for the boy messing with her in school, did you know that it is ILLEGAL to keep anyone from getting an education? If the boy is creating an atmosphere where your daughter cannot learn, you can also go that route in the legal system....just another tool for you to use.

 

[Carissidy]

I agree with NOT contacting the parents. With today's litigious society, you never know how what you might say could be turned into a slander lawsuit. It is unfortunate, but it could happen.

As for the boy messing with her in school, did you know that it is ILLEGAL to keep anyone from getting an education? If the boy is creating an atmosphere where your daughter cannot learn, you can also go that route in the legal system....just another tool for you to use.

wow Kate thats a really good observation!

 

[kspry]

Right, cmdtrgd, this kid's parents are going to sue for slander, with all this documentation?

I think not.

Did you know - you can document things without a lawyer? I document my show mileage without assistance from a tax lawyer.

With today's litigious society, you never know how what you might say could be turned into a slander lawsuit. It is unfortunate, but it could happen.

I live in America, the land of free speech. I don't lie, and and it can't be turned into slander.

Stop with the hysteria, please, and recommendations that what should be handled between parents, be handled with lawyers.

 

[kspry]

I realize the "dealing with parents" phase is long gone. That is why I think the slander angle is superfluous.

 

[chef_kimmo]

I am not sure how to put this... (starting with I believe this boy may not be that special needs as I relate below but just looking at it from a parent of a now teenage boy)

I also do NOT agree with any thing this boy has done but I also as a parent stay in my sons business and probably will till the day I die but...

I have a special needs son and while I read this I think Wow if my son ever offends some girl and the school only deals with it and I never know. I would be very upset. It is becoming common that some parents have no idea what their kids do at school and take their children's word for it when something negative is said.

Surely the school has contacted the boys family but then again, if I were to assume that (what does assume get you) then I may be wrong.

I believe there was a day when the first step was to talk parent to parent but that has ended due to some parents becoming violent.

 

[chef_kimmo]

So yes, I think the boys parents probably should have been contact in the begining but now I think he has stepped over the line. It sounds like this letter was very offensive, scarey and inappropriate.

I believe the next step is the restraining order.