Is It Time for Me to Find a New Church?

[Intrepid_Chef]

I have attended my current church for more than a decade. There are many things I love about it, but my frustrations are growing.

They include (but are not limited to

* The fact that many of my friends have left or have been asked to leave, depending on who you talk to and/or whose side of the story you believe.

* The fact that they have lost so many instrumentalists that they have switched to CD worship. Singing backup in the band is one of my greatest joys there, and I am very grieved over the whole thing. I have a hard time and keep going back and forth between thinking, "I can worship with CDs at home" and "why don't you?"

* The fact that my roomate (who has issues with the church and no longer worships there) overheard one of the sad departure stories and said, "THIS IS THE CHURCH YOU WANT TO BE PART OF??"

* The fact that the entire focus of the church is on a ministry I LOVE but cannot participate in because it meets on a week-night.

* The switch to weekly potlucks and the very unrealistic expectations of portions we are to bring because the vast majority bring nothing. (A six-quart crock pot full is no longer an acceptable amount of food for a single person to bring, for example.)

Please pray for clarity. I have found a church in my area I'd like to visit with no expectations beyond being refreshed and taking a break. There are others I'd like to visit as well.

It would be a huge blessing if my roomate opts to go as well ...

 

[pcchefjane]

Sometimes God makes us "dissatisfied" where we are to help us leave. I belonged to a church for over 21 years and was very active. There was a big split and I thought I was going to stay. Then some of the people left start really bad-mouthing those who had left and I decided I wanted nothing to do with that kind of church. I moved on to a church for about 18 months and it became very legalistic. They had a "membership overseer committe" that would check to see if you were attending regularly, paying your tithes, etc. and then decide if you needed "probationary membership"! I nearly freaked at that and moved on again. I stayed at that church over 11 years until I relocated to be closer to my DD & SIL. I think God moved me the first time to prepare me for the second time! Praying that you will find a church you feel God is leading you to!

 

[Intrepid_Chef]

Thank you ....

This church was formed out of a split and has undergone two "pseudo-splits" since, with people leaving around the same time but scattering to the four winds ...

One of my friends who left has been falsely blamed for others leaving, even those she barely knows ... very sad. I told her she'd probably be blamed for my departure as well ...

And Jane ... I would freak out about the "overseer" as well!

 

[pcchefjane]

After they called a pastor, that stopped because he would not allow it. By then many people had left. It's sad when people forget it's Church and not "dictatorship"!

 

[gingertannery]

Church.. you are talking about church??? What a shock. I would leave and tell them why you are leaving so your friend is not blamed. Tell them you have a mind and can think for yourself.(and don't need your friend to get you to leave) Tell them you are leaving because you can no longer take the backstabbing. And unchristian attitudes. I can't believe people are acting this way at church. You can certainly find a place where real church is going on. When all else fails.. I always ask WWJD. That answers any questions if you know him. What would you say to me if I was telling you this story as it was happening to me??? What a shocker!!!! I guess I have heard it all now. God did not intend for this ugliness to happen in his home. Find a better place. Make a list of the pros and cons if nothing else. Good luck!!

 

[Shawnna]

wow...you have lots to think about. Only you can decide what to do. If you want to visit some other churches, then do it. If you go with open heart/mind and continue to pray, God will show you what is right. That being said...I don't know your church or know the whole situation you are in, but I have thought of leaving my church many times because of what people say and the fact that they won't "get in" but want to dictate how everyone else is suppose to act. But, after much prayer and venting to my girlfriend...not good to vent to DH, because he is partial...I came to the realization that I am not there for other people. I am there for God...and only God. What everyone else does/doesn't do, says, etc. is not important...only what God says. So, not knowing everything, my advice is pray, pray, pray...and then pray some more.

The food thing is crazy, but you always have some who won't bring anything, some who will bring a bag of chips but want to take home 4 carry out trays for dinner later, and then you have those who can't bring anything...unaccompanied children, poor, visitors, etc. But, we should all bring what we feel we should bring...not be dictated by someone else.

Dear Heavenly Father...I know that you know what is best in this situation. We bring it to you and lay it at your feet. Show Di where and how you want her to serve you. I lift up this church and your people. I pray that you would remove the hindering spirits from the situation. Look deep into hearts and convict us of the things we need to change. Di is hungering for you and I know you will meet the need in her life. Open her eyes, her ears, and her heart to you. She needs some encouragement. I pray that you would wrap your arms around her and give her strength and comfort. Thank you dear Lord for the answer. In Jesus name...Amen.

 

[tlag1986]

I have recently went through a similar situation with my home church. I am too currently looking for a new church and I think I have found the one I will attend. It is wonderful. There a live contemporary band and music two times in the morning with traditional music in between (Sunday school is held simultaneously) so there are 3 services on Sunday morning.

 

[Intrepid_Chef]

Thank you all so much.

And despite all I have posted ... there are still many things I love about my church, and some wonderful people who are in it. Last week, for instance, I got a disturbing phone call as I was preparing to leave ... someone asked me if I was OK, I said, "No" and went inside to find a sister to pray with me. Would I be able to find that in a new church?

I'm uncomfortable with change and that has probably kept me from hearing the call to move on.

OH ... and my roomate has snidely vented concerns for some time ... but has also said that I should not feel any pressure to leave ...

If I DO leave, I will do so with a clear explanation to my pastor and to certain key leaders, explaining that I need to be out of my comfort zone, need to experience live, passionate worship and (if applicable) need a place where my roomate also is comfortable. If they ask me point blank if my friend the scapegoat has had any influence, I will tell them plainly NO and that she has not said anything negative to me about the church or leadership, which is true.

 

[raebates]

This is such a difficult decision to make. I'll keep you in prayer. In my experience, the time to go is when it's more painful to stay.

 

[khergatt]

We just recently left our church. It was a HUGE decision, but I am so VERY glad that we did it!! We have found a warm, caring church where we believe God wants us and we could not LOVE it anymore than we do!!

Good luck. Just pray about your decision and God will lead you!!

 

[KellyTheChef]

Di...I certainly feel for you and I wholeheartedly agree with Shawnna's prayer for you AND for your church.

We are in the middle of deciding if WE are supposed to move on from our current church. More because we need something for Brittney (16) and Evan (3) to attend and learn alongside peers their own age. **Especially Brittney, who REALLY needs some friends with our values, and so she can see she isn't the only one who struggles with the issues she does. We visited a new church this past Sunday, and so far it seems like a good fit for us.

I certainly pray that the Lord leads you in the direction that HE would have you take! I know how hard it can be to move on from a church family that you love...even if that's the right thing to do! We get settled into our comfort zone and it's just easier to stay there sometimes.

 

[lissahope26]

It seems to me that people get lost in what "church" is about. It's about worshiping and giving thanks to the Lord Almighty for this wonderful life we have. I think the devil has worked his way into some of these churches.

 

[KellyTheChef]

There will always be decievers in any church, just as in our lives...

You are SO right about it being about WORSHIP and THANKS to our amazing God. I know there have been times in my life when I thought I wasn't getting anything "out" of church...but when I was honest with myself, those are the times when I was putting nothing "into" it, either. Those were the times when my focus was on ME and how church made me FEEL...rather than focusing on HIM and worship!

 

[AnnieBee]

Just another point of view... I go to a struggling small church, lots of people have left recently, our worship team is tiny and by no means awesome(!), and in someways (actually, in MANY ways!) it would be a huge relief to go and find a bigger church where we don't have to be so involved (DH is an elder, one of 3, who had to let our pastor go in May - one of the hardest things he's ever done), we also have 3 very young kids and run our youth group! But DH and I feel that, at least for now, this is where we are to stay and be used. We do feel that God is working and we are trusting that our church will grow and be a blessing in our community. There is definitely a sense that if we bail too, "what will happen to the church?", but of course that in itself is not a reason to stay! This situation is in big enough hands that it won't sink or swim based on me being there!

I think the bottom line is to pray and ask God where he wants you to be. Do you feel called to be used where you are? I don't think that being unhappy is *always* an indication that it's time to go - maybe it's time to get things to change! I think too many times people leave when they are not happy, without trying to do any thing about the problems. But I also think that when you are going to a church that is not feeding you, but you feel led to stay, that it is perfectly OK to go to other churches once in a while to be refreshed and fed. Or find a couple of friends to meet with for prayer and Bible study. Obviously there is also a bottom line at which you leave a church, if the teaching is unbiblical, or othere unacceptable things are happening... And of course if God is telling you it's time to leave, then it's time. It is never an easy decision!

Anyway, I hope this perspective helps. Oh, and I'm not quite sure why the room-mate has so much influence on where you go to church? Not meant as a criticism, I'm just don't know the reason...

PS - The meal thing seems ridiculous and unfair - is there anyone to talk to about that?

 

[tlag1986]

God spoke to me last a year ago this past summer and was wanting me to move on. I fought Him and stayed until this summer, and I have to admit I had been miserable.

Our once loving church became a gossip hall. I tried to reach people, with our Womens Bible Study I taught each Monday night, about how to become a loving spiritual church again. I just kept trying, but fighting God every step of the way. I prayed constantly for discernment and guidance, but I did not listen when He gave it. Once I started to listen to God again I realized I needed to leave.

I realized this past summer I had to leave as God had been trying to get me to go to another church to be fed in a way that I needed. I understand now I was unable to fed the women in my Bible study because I was not being the Christian God wanted me to.

The decision was agonizing, but I feel so much more in tune with God again. I still pray to God daily about giving me the strength I need to be the Christian Woman He wants.

 

[Nanisu]

I teach a women's Bible study at my church (have taught it for 8 years), and I have two questions to ask you:

1) Is what you are seeing lining up with scripture? God's Word is the ultimate authority. Period. Not man, not attitude, not Platitudes. Word.
2) Are you being fed? Good Food? Most times fractions come because the Word gets altered a bit, or watered down. Physical principles apply here, too--wrong kind of food, non nutritious food=people starving=unable to withstand in a battle. The Enemy is not stupid, he is very crafty. If he can't take you down all at once he'll wear you down. Keep up with your spiritual immunity.

If those criteria, especially # 1, are iffy, perhaps God is redirecting you. He will NEVER be contrary to His Word.

He's faithful and will teach you in a way that is right.

 

[tabnat80]

I know this is a very hard decision for you. Me and my Hubby left his father's church after we got married. We had a hard time leaving because, 1, we loved the people, 2, didn't want to disrespect his father, the preacher, and 3, change was scary. We left it in God's hands and He decided to move us after 2 miserable years of routine and spiritual grief. We just didn't feel like we were being fullfilled and by the time we left, we were at our spiritual lowest. We got a lot of grief from dh's father and some of the elders of the church, but in the end, we left to find God and it's the best thing we could have done. I wish you the best. Wether you feel God moving you or you staying. Please pray diligenty about your decision and let God decide for you, not your friends.

 

[janetupnorth]

I agree it is a hard decision - take it before God with prayer and a right attitude and He will show you what is the right thing to do.Remember though, just when you think you've found the perfect church and start attending, it is no longer perfect because you are there. (Someone told me that once and it is true! We must make sure we aren't expecting unreasonable things from the church and are being a proper part). Some of the things you mentioned though are kind of odd...I'll leave you with this:"I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours." - Mark 11:24I am CONFIDENT you will find the right answer...

 

[Intrepid_Chef]

I want to thank you all for your wise words of counsel.

A bit of clarification:

* My roomate left my church some time ago ... I know the whole story of the departure and disagree with roomie's take on the whole thing. Also, for the most part, I have heard nothing on this subject from here, just the occaisonal snide comment. That said ... when my roomate got saved, it was the biggest joy of my life. It would be nice, but not necessary, to attend the same church again.

* My other friends and acquaintainces (one of which was a past Pampered Chef host who I called becuase her discount was about to expire!) told me the truth. I know the truth is tinged with their own pain ... but none of it, frankly, surprises me.

* I am not interested in a large church, or one that is "perfect." I just want a place where I can feel safe, comfortable, and can serve in the two ministries where my heart lies, worship team and feeding the poor. Little by little, I feel like those ministries have been taken from me.

The worship team thing (and the complete lack of notice to those of us who came early to sing just to sing along with CDs) was the biggest shock to my system. I am a singer and have always loved that our worship was led by the spirit. If the Lord leads us to sing one song over, slow down the pace, or toss a song out, we do.

Is it just a "pride" thing as far as that's concerned?

A dear friend, whose opinion I trust and who has never been a member of my church, suggested that the church stepped away from consistent, sound teaching by opening the pulpit to too many others. I admit I've had to keep my "ears on" for a very long time during the message, and I am weary.

At this time ... I just need a break.

The biggest problem, right now, is that I struggle with a bad attitude and a critical spirit when I am there ... and have been shaking it off for months. I am now thinking that I am mis-reading this and have been afraid to move out of my comfort zone.

You have helped, more than you know.

 

[Shawnna]

Di...there seems to be a lot of discontentment...maybe not the right word...from your church as a whole. You are going to have to "step back" and reevaluate your situation. Don't do anything hasty. Visit other churches and ask God to open your eyes. Perhaps during your visits you will hear something that can help you in your current church or perhaps you will feel led to a different church. God works in many ways and his ways are not always our ways. Just because you are unhappy where you are doesn't mean that that is not where you are suppose to be. It might mean that you are suppose to move on, but it might mean that you are fighting God.

We had a couple visit our church several times...they were from a town many miles from us but had bought property here. Finally when it was time for them to move here they began to come regularly and we learned that he can play the piano...and boy can he play. We had been praying for several years for God to send us someone to play the piano because we had 2 elderly ladies who played and they missed a lot because of health reasons and we knew that they were tired, but kept being faithful as much as possible so that we would have a piano player. And, being elderly their hearing wasn't the greatest and sometimes the music was aweful...but we didn't complain because we knew that they were doing it for God and that is what mattered. When Ed began to play for us they both stepped down...relieved to have someone to take over. After a short while, we went from having 1 person lead song service to having a praise and worship team. We had a lot of struggles...the devil fought us tooth and nail. One person in the church who thought he was always in charge of music felt threatened by the piano player and the fact that more people were involved in the worship team. He didn't want certain ones to be involved. It was a big ordeal and he ended up quitting in a huff...not once, but twice. He has since "prayed through" and gotten victory over this and has joined us again and the worship services are awesome. God is really moving.

Now, I tell you this story for this reason...Our piano player and his wife told me that after they had visited our church they didn't feel led to be here. She told him this is not the place for me to be and she was unhappy. They felt like outsiders and that worship was dull. They fought the Lord on this decision, but once it was made and they began to get involved our services have began to "bust out". Is it them? No It is God and the fact that they were obedient to him and that we were obedient to him.

 

[raebates]

I agree wholeheartedly, Shawnna. The church we left had lots of issues. Many people had left, but we waited until we knew it's was God's nudge and not just our own feelings. I must admit that I cried every Sunday before service for several weeks before we left. My heart hurt for what had happened to our church. Many of our friends stayed because they felt God was telling them to be an instrument of change in that congregation.God has a plan. Just make sure He's the reason you go or stay.