How to Talk to Children About Death and Dying?

[pamperedlinda]

Anyone have any experience in talking to children about death? My MIL has cancer and is going down-hill much faster than we expected. DS does not know how sick she is - he does know that she's not feeling well. She may not make it to the end of the year...or she could linger a while..

How do you talk to children about this? DS is 6 and in the first grade. The only person he knows who has died was a neighbor, and he had cancer too. Any tips are greatly appreciated.

 

[PamperedDor]

I think Maria Shiver has a book out about it - I know my cousin used it when we lost her brother for her kids - I can't remember the name though - I will look it up later if no one posts earlier!

 

[PamperedDor]

This isn't it but it sounds like it could help -

Sad Isn't Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss (Elf-Help Books for Kids) (Paperback)
by Michaelene Mundy (Author), R. W. Alley (Illustrator)

 

[pamperedlinda]

Thanks Dor. Do you know if these are books for after a person has died or also deals with explaining to them that the person is dying?

 

[PamperedDor]

Linda - google her - she has a ton of books that deal with death, dying and heaven - hth

 

[Sheila]

First of all, (((hugs))) to you and your family during this time!

I read a WONDERFUL children's book years ago at a Funeral Home. I don't have the cheat sheet anymore with the name/author ... but at the time I looked EVERYWHERE and couldn't find it in bookstores or on the internet!!

It explained how when Astronauts go into outter space, they need a space suit to survive ... just like people on earth need an Earth Suit (body) to survive. Then it went on to say that when Astronauts leave space, they no longer need their space suit. And when people leave earth, they no longer need their Earth Suit. It was really cool explaining to little ones why there's a body being viewed in the funeral home after a death.

Sorry, it did not cover the subject of approaching death. But I did come across some of those when I was searching for the other book ... how to deal with the upcoming death of a grandparent. You can try a search on one of the bookstore webpages, but your best bet is to probably go to your local library & ask the librarian for help.

Here are some internet links on how to explain death to children of different ages and under different circumstances:
Helping Your Child Deal With Death
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-kindergartner-about-death_67095.pc

Hope those help some!

 

[mrssyvo]

When my girl's were young, they lost 3 grandpa's in 6 weeks!!!! It was such a difficult time, and I bought the book- "Someone I love has died" They still talk about that book, and we loaned it out all the time, because I saw how it helped my girls understand and deal with it. I found it at the Family Christian bookstore- it is bible based, and even now that my girls are adults, they talk about that time in their life, and how helpful that book was. They pulled that book out pretty much every night, and we read, and re-read it, and we talked about their feelings with it all.

 

[chefmoseley]

Attached is a file from a friend of mine. She is a school psychologist in a local elementary school. These are some books (both religious and non religious they have in the office dealing with death.

 

[Teresa Lynn]

I was a grief recovery counselor at our old church (& worked in a funeral home during high school and college) we always recommended any of the Elisabeth Kuubler Ross books. i had the opportunity to hear her speak once she was awesome. I bet if you approached any funeral home they would have leaflets to share (or talk to someone at your church or school) they all should have info to give you.since you know the time is getting closer you might ask her to write a letter for him to read as he gets older. My best friend's mom died of breast cancer, when the friend's sons were in elementary school the grandmother had written a letter to each of them to be read at their Eagle Scout ceremony.

 

[swinkate]

I lost my sister to cancer a year ago, and she left behind 3 boys. They are aged 5, 8 and 11. She was only 37. Heartbreaking for the adults, but the boys coped really well.

As a regular church going family they were told that Mummy had gone to heaven. The oldest 2 came to the funeral (their church is less than half a mile from the house) and we all walked together behind the hearse from the house to the church. They visit the grave every Sunday, and whenever they want in the week.

Sometimes they are so matter of fact it bothers us, but not them. The hospice nurse said this would happen. As this age they just accepted the situation. 2 examples...
The day after she died the youngest two were arguing, the youngest one said "I'm telling Mummy", the middle on said "you can't, she dead" - very smug. After a few seconds the younger one replied "I'm telling Daddy then" and ran off. For him, life just carried on.
Second example: I gave birth in July, but had to spend a few days in hospital. My middle nephew asked if I was going to die (I had slightly highblood pressure and was sent home after 48 hours). When he was told I was not going to die and would be home soon, he said "Good. It would be really unfair if I lost a Mummy and an Aunt".

I agree with Janet... get some kind of letter or video made. They are starting to forget what my sister looked like. Very sad for all of us when they say things like that, but we get out all the old family films and laugh at the way we looked!

 

[WLMcCoy]

Maria Shriver - What's Heaven... My mother gave it to me when I was young..

 

[PamperedCaniac]

Also check with the cancer centers where your MIL is receiving treatment. They have lots of books for children too! However, my dad died 1 1/2 years ago and I had to tell my daughter who is turning 6 in 2 weeks. I was honest that my dad was sick and only Jesus can take care of him now. I told her that he went to heaven where he will be out of pain and sadness. Now he is rejoicing and singing with the Lord! I also told her that we are only on earth for a while but we are in heaven forever and are never seperated once in heaven.

 

[candiejayne]

I'm sorry to hear about everyones stories, it brings up bad memories for me. I was 24 when I lost my grandpa, and I'm still not over it. I couldn't imagine growing up without him. I wish you all the best, especially the little ones!

 

[Curlyone]

There are some really great replies on here. I don't know if I could add to them, but have you spoken to your Pastor, Priest, Rabbi, etc for advice?

I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer in April of '05. We talk about him like he is still around. When we (Mom & I) are driving (I have his car), I'll say something and turn and look in the back seat and say "Ain't that right, Daddy". My hands look like his, I used to hate mine, but now I like them because I am constantly reminded of him. It brings me comfort. Also, my faith brought me the most comfort. When I found out that he was dying and dying very quickly (less than a month from finding out to the time he died), I did the anticipatary crying/grieving. I praised God and thanked him for the time that I had with my Dad. Suddenly, really almost immediately, I was calmed (still sad), but able to cope and go on. My faith got me thru this period in my life and thru many other things too.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers! God bless you, especailly as you go thru this.

 

[WLMcCoy]

Paryers are w/ your family