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Pampered Chef: First Time death in family ettiquete

  1. Judybabe

    Judybabe Guest

    My husband and I have been married 3 months and tonight his mother passed away. She lived in a nursing home. Today was also her birthday. 88 years.
    Neat lady, always called me Terry's friend. LOL!

    Believe it or not, I have not had a relative die near me before. My grandparents died, but they lived far away and we just went to the funerals, I didn't have to do anything.

    We are the only family here, so I am assuming that the family coming in from out of town and friends etc. will show up here at my house?

    I have no clue who to expect... should I make motel reservations? there's only one small motel here in town. the next nearest is 50 miles.

    I need help with what do I do? I don't know very many people here. should I go get cold cuts etc.? what do I prepare for? I don't want to act like an idiot with my husband and his brother. (he's divorced, no wife to ask)

    Terry has a brother that lives 200 miles from here, he'll be here by noon tomorrow, we invited him to stay here at the house, he can sleep in Lexi's room. (12 year old) he's about 60.

    I will be reading this when I can Monday, but probably not much after that. Please any advice or suggestions I will accept gratefully.

    Aug 31, 2009
  2. Sheila

    Sheila Legend Member Gold Member

    You should not have to make hotel reservations or put down deposits for anyone else's hotel room. Most extended family & friends understand that the immediate family is grieving and they make offers to do things for you vs. the other way around. When sending out notifications about the funeral, you can include the name, address & phone number for the hotel. Anyone who needs a room can call and make their own reservations.

    Most people will bring food to your house to keep you and your husband from having to think about that at this time. Paying for a funeral is VERY expensive (I've done it 3 times now ... Father, Grandmother & Grandfather) and the last thing on my mind was being the entertainer for anyone else coming to pay their respects.

    Some people do try to "keep busy" so they don't have to stop and think about their loss, but it's not expected. Offering a bed in your home to your brother-in-law is fine, but distant relatives need to be at the hotel. ;)
    Aug 31, 2009
  3. Teresa Lynn

    Teresa Lynn Legacy Member Gold Member

    does your husband have a church home or alot of friends?

    If so, you will probably be taken care if food wise.

    When I take food to friends if its someone I'm really close too I always take a package of toilet tissue, box of kleenex, and paper plates, plastic cutlery, cups and napkins
    Think how many times you are almost out of one of these things and now you have a house full of people just there to visit.
    Aug 31, 2009
  4. Judybabe

    Judybabe Guest

    well we'll see what the day brings. I stayed up til 2 scrubbing the bathroom, kitchen and making zucchini bread. it's 7;30 and I'm up again to clean. We just moved into this house in June and are still living amongst boxes until the contractors get their work done.

    thanks for the tips.

    Aug 31, 2009
  5. AJPratt

    AJPratt Legend Member Silver Member

    People will understand! I might have some extra coffee or tea on hand, so if you feel obligated to offer something, you will have it. This is a time when people will be concerned about your and your husband's needs.
    Aug 31, 2009
  6. AJPratt

    AJPratt Legend Member Silver Member

    Hey, if anyone ass if there is something to do, offer them up some laundry! (Hope that made you smile a little)
    Aug 31, 2009
  7. darlinclem

    darlinclem Advanced Member Gold Member


    One good thing about living in a small town is that the funeral home takes care of so much of everything for you! They will even notify people for you if you have a list for them. They will also act as your go between if people need to call to see where things are being held and what accommodations are available. Let them do it :)

    Aug 31, 2009
  8. raebates

    raebates Legend Member Staff Member

    Feeling a little hostile toward possible guests? Your post did make me smile. :p
    Aug 31, 2009
  9. Judybabe

    Judybabe Guest

    yeah, I caught that too! sublime hostility. got it going on here. trying to write an obituary tonight, everything to born in a sod house to the number of great grand kids. arguments on the number. One sibling wants kids given away and/or taken away listed. The other two simply said to put 'many great grand kids'.
    One wants the word 'step' removed from her kids, but not from mine. Her step kids have been around 20 years. mine - 3 months.

    DH's nephew and wife sat here all day while I cleaned, mopped, vacuumed, baked etc. I made them lunch. I put them to work! didn't ask, just said here, sweep this up please.

    thanks for the suggestions. It's gonna be a long week!

    Aug 31, 2009
  10. AJPratt

    AJPratt Legend Member Silver Member

    Wow. I am sure it did--on a few levels!
    Aug 31, 2009
  11. esavvymom

    esavvymom Legend Member Staff Member


    Just remember, you are doing this for your DH. The rest of the family will eventually go home. They may just be acting out to avoid their feelings/grief. Family death makes people act strange.
    Aug 31, 2009
  12. Sheila

    Sheila Legend Member Gold Member

    I can't help you on the issue involving the children who have been removed from the family by legal means. That's definitely a sticky situation. Maybe just go of the suggestion of the biological parent? If they want them there, honor their wishes. If they don't the omit them.

    I can make a suggestion on the step-children. Instead of saying "____ children and ____step-children", rephrase to "____children & step children" - problem solved! ;)
    Aug 31, 2009
  13. Gina M

    Gina M Veteran Member Gold Member

    Judy - I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss - sorry you didn't get to have your mother in law for longer in your life. My MIL passed away 12 years ago (I'd only been married for 4 1/2 yrs) - it's very strange not to have that relationship in your life. May you have comfort and peace in the upcoming days.
    Aug 31, 2009
  14. Judybabe

    Judybabe Guest

    I like that.

    "____children & step children":D

    last night I was in such a state of panic. stayed up way too late and got up way too early. gotta get some sleep now. my back is gonna sue me for separate maintainence!:indif:

    My pastor did send me to a website on dealing with families and grief. that should help.:yuck:

    also, did I mention that if you drop a 50 year old marble top that it shatters into a million pieces? thankfully, no toes were involved!:sing:
    Sep 1, 2009
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