Anyone Ever Dealt With Teen-Age Bullies??

[itsjustCarla]

I just found out my 15 yo son is being picked on in school. He had problems in middle school last year and it appears to have carried over into high school. The mom in me wants to protect him, but if I go to the school and complain, it might end up getting him hurt...but I want him to be able to stand up for himself too.

I'm so confused, I don't know what to do.

Anyone out there dealt with this before?

 

[JAE]

This is a tough one. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard to know how to teach kids to stand up for themselves, protect themselves and not get in trouble themselves.

My boys are 11 and almost 13. I haven't really dealt with this too much. I'd like to hear people's responses to this. Is there someone who works at school who you can trust to talk to about this? Someone you trust could keep an eye out and do something about it w/o embarrassing your son. Chances are the bully is doing more wrong than just bullying your son.

 

[janetupnorth]

Lisa in GA dealt with a stalking issue with her daughter. Not sure about bullies though.In my opinion, there is a time to stand up but in today's society there is also a time to be safe. Bullying isn't like it was when we were little. They now have guns and other weapons sometimes. I'd probably make the school and bus drivers aware and depending on the situation probably the local police. Not knowing much of the situation, it is hard to give credible advice.

 

[MORFIA]

Harassment is a BIG deal---Seek a free hour-with an attorney--That will get some REAL attention---I sent my boys with notebooks and pens to keep in there pockets--NONE yet!--MEAN PEOPLE STINK----hugs---

 

[rennea]

I just found out my 15 yo son is being picked on in school. He had problems in middle school last year and it appears to have carried over into high school. The mom in me wants to protect him, but if I go to the school and complain, it might end up getting him hurt...but I want him to be able to stand up for himself too.

I'm so confused, I don't know what to do.

Anyone out there dealt with this before?

Oh how terrible for your son Does your DS have a cell phone? If he doesn't it might be a good idea to get him one so he can be in contact with somebody if he is ever alone or in trouble. This is a huge issue at our schools right now, and there are lots of anti-bullying groups. There should be somebody you can talk to at his school about this.

 

[Shawnna]

there used to be a number you could call...I think it was called "safe call" or something. As much as we want our kids to stand on their own...and not embarrass them by being a mom...you can't be too careful these days. Bullies are armed with guns and knives and they can also be gang related. But, on the flip side of that is that kids who are bullied tend to become withdrawn and can sometimes lash out in over-the-top violent ways. I'm not saying your child is violent, but when you are pushed and pushed and pushed eventually you get so overwhelmed you don't think clearly.

You said he dealt with this last year...is it the same kids. Sometimes if you will stand up to a bullie they will back down...but I wouldn't recommend that if it is more than one or if it is something that the school has tried to deal with. So, I guess my suggestion is talk to the school superintendent, principal, and councelor. Schedule an after school meeting if you don't want the kids to know you are meeting with them. Have your child write down specific instances and situations. Document everything...and if all else fails, you can talk to a lawyer and the police.

 

[peichef]

I put my kids in tae kwon do this year. My boys have some challenges & I know that in the not too distant future they will face bullying. I think kids will be a little less likely to pick on them if they know my kids can defend themselves if necessary.

I think in this case I'd make your DS's teacher aware of the situation. No one has to know that he/she knows & is watching. Lots of school have strict anti-bullying policies in place. No one can help your son if they don't know there is an issue.

And I love Rennea's idea of getting him a cell phone. I'm not typically a fan of kids having their own cell phones, but in this case, it might be a good idea.

 

[itsjustCarla]

...But, on the flip side of that is that kids who are bullied tend to become withdrawn and can sometimes lash out in over-the-top violent ways. I'm not saying your child is violent, but when you are pushed and pushed and pushed eventually you get so overwhelmed you don't think clearly.

You said he dealt with this last year...is it the same kids. Sometimes if you will stand up to a bullie they will back down...but I wouldn't recommend that if it is more than one or if it is something that the school has tried to deal with. So, I guess my suggestion is talk to the school superintendent, principal, and councelor. Schedule an after school meeting if you don't want the kids to know you are meeting with them. Have your child write down specific instances and situations. Document everything...and if all else fails, you can talk to a lawyer and the police.

I found out that yes, it is the same kids from last year. My son is FAR from violent, in fact, he is the most non-violent person I know, but he does lash out - throws things, kicks things, makes verbal threats. I'm not defending his behavior, but that's what he does. I contacted the principal and guidance counselor at his school now, I contacted the principal from his school last year, because she actually witnessed one of the incidents. I'm hoping that the names of the boys involved are documented somewhere.

I am hurting for my son. I was bullied as a kid and I know how miserable it can be.

 

[jrstephens]

I have dealt with a 4 yr old one before but not a teenage one.

 

[merego]

I am so sorry your son is dealing with this. My son is almost 16 and has never had that problem, but I do know he has stood up for a boy who was being bullied once. He did have a kid start a rumor, but that was nipped in the bud after the kids admitted he made it up because he was jealous , but kids are cruel. The sad thing is something the parents are bullies themselves, other times, the parents are the nicest people and they have no idea what their kids are doing to others at school.

It is a tough one because if you go to the bullies parents that can cuase more harm than good, talking to the principal can possibly do the same. I know if my son was bullying someone, I would want to knowa nd would be totally mortifid because that is not tolerable or acceptable behavior EVER and my son knows that.

Do you know why they are picking on him? Kids are cruel. I have told my son that I better never find out he is bullying anyone or he will regret the day he was born. I was never bullied, but I was one of the "mean girls" in school and I regret it to this day. I have since apologized to every person I was ever mean to. School is tough and I have 2 more and stress every day about it.

I hope you get some resolution and your son gets left alone. Keep us posted.

 

[colegrovet]

call the school guidance councilor, had to do that with my daughter. councilor explained it to the other girl that, what she was doing could be deemed as general harassment and or sexual harassment of which one or both could be put on her permenate record. If needed she also stated that the cops could be called and that would bring either civil or criminal charges..
The councilor talked to each girl seperately, together and with the parents (no kids).

 

[Shawnna]

If it is the same kids I would definately step in somehow. Kids are mean. I was always the smallest kid in school and was always picked on...new kids come and they picked on me for some reason. I finally just had to stand up and fight. After that one time nobody ever bullied me again. Sometimes that is all it takes. But, it is a hard decision these days. Kids are different, parents are different. When I was growing up every parent watched out for every child and if you were doing something wrong any grownup in town might get on to you or call your parents...these days everyone seems to have the "not my child, they wouldn't do that" attitude. A lot of parents are afraid to discipline their kids because of the way the DHS system is set up.

Let us know what you do and how it turns out. I will pray for your son. I know that God can help him.

And, I was not trying to imply anything bad about your son in my earlier post...just making a general statement about being pushed too far.

 

[Mr. Pampered Chef]

general harassment and or sexual harassment of which one or both could be put on her permenate record. If needed she also stated that the cops could be called and that would bring either civil or criminal charges..

There are a bunch of ways to deal with teenage punks. Law suit works best against the parents...then all flows down hill from there...make them pay.

 

[Jenni]

Ohhhhh I am so sorry for you and your son! That stinks....
My son is 14 1/2 and is 4'11 he is now in high school and I have not stopped stressing once since he started.
I do not wanted to be taken the wrong way here but how is his appearance? Its sad but true our children/teens are often picked on for the brand or clothes they wear, sneakers, hair style. Its totally unfair but it is reality. If a brand name of sneakers makes my kids day easier then I'm having some extra PC parties to buy them. What is making him stand out that they are choosing him. For my son its nothing I can change his friends call him their pocket size pal. He laughs it off but I know it hurts still...
(((hugs))) I hope they let up on him soon!

 

[itsjustCarla]

I sent off an email to the principal from his school last year - she did have the names of the boys and she sent them to his new principal. I emailed the exact same letter to the new principal and new guidance counselor. His new principal talked with my son...and then he called and talked to me for probably 20 minutes......he said this WILL be taken care of and that he was going to make this his top priority. He even talked to my son's football coach...so that if the coach were to punish my son for the trouble he got into, that the coach would know the whole story and take it easy on him. He said that in no way will my son be involved/mentioned in taking this bully down, that he has several teachers "planted" to watch for these things and that it WILL end soon. It was a huge relief off my shoulders. His previous principal said "He is a great kid and we will get this worked out for him". I did mention in my email that switching schools and/or hiring an attorney was not out of the question.

 

[Shawnna]

Good for you. I'm glad they seem to be taking it seriously. You can't be too careful these days. I am sorry he is having to go through this.

Jenni...I know where you and your son are coming from. My oldest son was under 5 feet tall until 10th grade. He had a struggle because basketball was his life. When he hit jr. high and all the other boys had a growth spurt over the summer it was devastating to him. He went from basketball star to never getting to play. His freshman year they got a new coach and he told him he was "too little to play with the big boys". At that point his self-esteem went rock bottom. He toughed it out that year and we moved him to a different school his sophomore year...not just because of the basketball but because he wasn't getting an education either. He sat out his sophomore year...transfer student rules...and then he played his jr and sr year. Jr year was still rough because he wasn't as big as the other boys, but Sr. year he grew and got to play a lot. And, the biggest reward was that he got a better education at his new school. He learned to not let the remarks get to him...most of the kids didn't mean anything by it. He also learned to stand up for himself which is a good thing. He graduated last May and is now about 5'6. He grew 10 inches in one year. He is still little compared to other kids his age. But then again...I am only 5'2.

 

[Jenni]

Good for you. I'm glad they seem to be taking it seriously. You can't be too careful these days. I am sorry he is having to go through this.

Jenni...I know where you and your son are coming from. My oldest son was under 5 feet tall until 10th grade. He had a struggle because basketball was his life. When he hit jr. high and all the other boys had a growth spurt over the summer it was devastating to him. He went from basketball star to never getting to play. His freshman year they got a new coach and he told him he was "too little to play with the big boys". At that point his self-esteem went rock bottom. He toughed it out that year and we moved him to a different school his sophomore year...not just because of the basketball but because he wasn't getting an education either. He sat out his sophomore year...transfer student rules...and then he played his jr and sr year. Jr year was still rough because he wasn't as big as the other boys, but Sr. year he grew and got to play a lot. And, the biggest reward was that he got a better education at his new school. He learned to not let the remarks get to him...most of the kids didn't mean anything by it. He also learned to stand up for himself which is a good thing. He graduated last May and is now about 5'6. He grew 10 inches in one year. He is still little compared to other kids his age. But then again...I am only 5'2.

Thanks for sharing... I do hope that summer comes when he shoots up and grows like 5 inches. I'm 5' 4" and his Dad is 5" 8" so neither of us are tall. He is going to a high school I have no hope in... hubby made me promise to try it before we go poor putting him in private. Anyway glad things worked out for your son!

 

[MORFIA]

love this thread--TYTYTYTYTYTYTYTYYTY TO ALL who are sharing--
I am 33% poor one is in private school----HE LOVES IT--
1 and 2 are on the list for next year--#1 son was bullied day 2-his lil brother stood up for his by day 3 he was not--My boys are 1 year apart the 2 in the same school---So if they blow it off its better??? I am on the fence of reporting it-?

 

[ChefEileen]

I just found out my 15 yo son is being picked on in school. He had problems in middle school last year and it appears to have carried over into high school. The mom in me wants to protect him, but if I go to the school and complain, it might end up getting him hurt...but I want him to be able to stand up for himself too.

I'm so confused, I don't know what to do.

Anyone out there dealt with this before?

I know what you are going through. My son is now 13 and last year he had the worse school year. By November he was ready to quit school it had gotten so bad. I wish I could print the nasty things some of the kids did to him, one of the bullies was suspended, but I got the principal and the school counseler involved and they talked to him and by the end of the school year he had found new friends and things got better.

I don't know if this helps but I pray that you will find the best solution for you and your son (((((((((hugs)))))))))) to both of you.

 

[MORFIA]

well not a whole lot of good in this lil school--ONE SON home for 3 days with injury's the other came home with facial injury---I HATE this!!

 

[JAE]

I hate to bring this up again, but I came to find this thread to get some thoughts for a friend whose 12 year old son, Nick, is being bullied in 7th grade. The kids eat lunch in their homeroom class, and the teacher is supposed to be in there supervising. She wasn't there at this moment. Nick sat down with his hot lunch. Two boys came in the room and crushed up Nick's lunch then poured his milk over the whole thing. Totally unprovoked with no retaliation by Nick. Another girl saw this and immediately went to tell the lunch lady, and after giving Nick a new lunch she told the principal about the incident. The principal made the kids stay in the office for the rest of the 30 minute lunch period. That's it. That was their punishment.

Are you kidding me? The mom went in and talked to the principal and the principal says that was enough. Seriously? What do you all think?

Carla, what is going on with your situation at this time?

 

[FHL]

My son was being bullied in 6th grade (he is now in 10th). I went into the school, talked to the teachers, talked to the principal. They all basically said there is nothing they can do or they are doing everything they can do (which pretty much amounted to nothing). My son is no angel but had never been in trouble in his first 5 years of school. He finally got sick of the bullying and started getting into fights and getting suspended. This was all up until November of his 6th grade year. Right before Thanksgiving he got into another fight and I kept him home from school for the next month. I was tired of not getting any help from the school. He moved in with his father in a neighboring school district and started in another school after the Christmas holiday and hasn't had another problem with bullying.

I was lucky in that I had options for him in going to another school district.

I actually got a letter from the school because of him being out - they wanted to fine me. I was hoping and praying they would. I was going to take them to court. Someone told me that school districts have a legal obligation to make it safe for your child to go to school and this school district definately was not providing that for my son.

Best of luck to you and your sons. Don't let the school screw you around. Get a lawyer consultation if you have to. Sometimes a simple $100 letter from a lawyer will do the trick.

 

[gingertannery]

I sent off an email to the principal from his school last year - she did have the names of the boys and she sent them to his new principal. I emailed the exact same letter to the new principal and new guidance counselor. His new principal talked with my son...and then he called and talked to me for probably 20 minutes......he said this WILL be taken care of and that he was going to make this his top priority. He even talked to my son's football coach...so that if the coach were to punish my son for the trouble he got into, that the coach would know the whole story and take it easy on him. He said that in no way will my son be involved/mentioned in taking this bully down, that he has several teachers "planted" to watch for these things and that it WILL end soon. It was a huge relief off my shoulders. His previous principal said "He is a great kid and we will get this worked out for him". I did mention in my email that switching schools and/or hiring an attorney was not out of the question.

Carla, Stick to your guns.. you are doing the right thing. I was an asst principal and a principal. My #1 priority 24/7 was bullying. I hired someone/something yearly. And I punished severely anyone who I even thought was a bully. It was not cool to be a bully on my campus. The surprising thing was how much of that behavior was condoned or taught by the parents. Bullying is dangerous. I'm glad your principal seems to be on top of things... Keep in close contact with him. Alert him to any changes.. for the better or the worst. I would always call both kids into the office and tell them both that the good kid had no choices any more.. It was my choice.. If they were bullied even a little, one more time they HAD to tell me. They had no choice.. and the bully better beware because I would call the police and they would be turned over to the police. Parents were called at that time and also told how it would be. Conference in person if at all possible. This was elementary.. so it usually worked. It is much harder at Jr High or H/S.
There have been several kids killed by bullies or scarred for life... I bet their parents everyday wish they had interviened/or even knew about it. Some kids have even killed themselves over being bullied. No. Take a stand and let your child know they are wonderful and it is not their fault. That bullies are wrong and mean. You are such a good mom to care enough to get involved when you are not sure it is the right thing.. Hard to do these days. But it is the right thing. If it continues gett he police involved. Parents will get more involved when it hits their pocketbooks.. and you may be saving someone else down the road. It is against the law and your son has rights. Good luck!!

 

[MORFIA]

go above the school--ie police or hire an attorney--THEY will get the message FAST--

 

[gingertannery]

FLH.. schools do have a legal obligatioon to assure the safety of your child. Now sometimes "Things" happen... but if the school has been notified of say a bullying incident and choose to do nothing.. they are liable for anything that happens.

Jae.. I suggest your friend talk to the principal again.. if nothing else is done to satisfy her.. get a grievance form and fill it out and go to the superintendent (or next in command) It is called going through the proper channels. Talk to the super.. if you are still not satisfied.. get on the agenda at the next school board meeting and present it to the board. Her focus "Must" be that the teacher was not in the classroom, and because of this the kids were allowed to ruin his lunch. The teacher should get a hand slap too. The kids who ruined th lunch should get a tougher sentence. At least work off the cost of the lunch destroyed.. say by 15 minutes a day work (during recess/lunch/after school)and being paid .05 a day. Might not happen again that way. You want to make the punishment worse thatn doing it again. Good Luck

 

[JAE]

I forgot to say the boys who destroyed the lunch had to each pay for half of the lunch and give it to the boy whose lunch was destroyed. I still don't think that was nothing. The mom found out today that the teacher did address it the next day, but she couldn't do any more punishing over the principal's punishments. The teacher seemed to care more that it happened and she was going to bring it up in the team meeting (with other 7th grade teachers) today so all the teachers could keep an eye out.

 

[Hathery]

Those boys most certainly would have had an in-school suspension (at the least) at my school growing up. Of course, that was already like 10 years ago so things probably aren't the same anymore!

 

[JAE]

Those boys most certainly would have had an in-school suspension (at the least) at my school growing up. Of course, that was already like 10 years ago so things probably aren't the same anymore!

Things probably aren't the same, but it seems that with the prevelance and awareness of bullying, the consequences should be as bad or worse as 10 years ago. I know this stuff happens, but my mind can't imagine ever doing it to someone.

 

[janetupnorth]

Those boys most certainly would have had an in-school suspension (at the least) at my school growing up. Of course, that was already like 10 years ago so things probably aren't the same anymore!

Hey, they aren't the same! If you did that when I was in school you were sent to the principal's office, the paddle was taken down off the wall and your butt was spanked! You then didn't do it again! ...and that was public school.

DH distinctly remembers meeting his elementary school principal and hearing his father say, "Don't you dare call me until he's had a good spanking." ...and then saying to DH, "...and if he does call me you will get another good spanking - from me!"

 

[kaseydee]

Hey, they aren't the same! If you did that when I was in school you were sent to the principal's office, the paddle was taken down off the wall and your butt was spanked! You then didn't do it again! ...and that was public school.

DH distinctly remembers meeting his elementary school principal and hearing his father say, "Don't you dare call me until he's had a good spanking." ...and then saying to DH, "...and if he does call me you will get another good spanking - from me!"[/QUOTE]

Thats how it happend for me too. My school (private) called my dad & asked him if he was ok w/me getting spanked & my dad told him "thats why I put her in your school". He too told them not to call him anymore just do it & I'd get it again when I got home. :angel:

 

[itsjustCarla]

Just an update.....I shot off an email to the principal a week or so ago (my son won't tell me much, because he knows I kick into "mom mode"). He said that he took care of the bully problem immediately and that he and my son have a "signal" that Tyler gives to the principal if he has any problems. So far, things have been going good and have "improved significantly."

 

[JAE]

Glad to hear it, Carla.

My friend ended up having a meeting with the superintendent after speaking with the principal. It turned out quite well as far as what was understood between them. Now, we just have to see if he will follow through. We are happy that at least he agreed that bullying should not be tolerated. Boys will be boys, but they still have to learn that bullying is not acceptable in any way shape or form. One thing the super said was "This is a Christian school. This shouldn't be happening and we use the bible to back us up." The bible is the leg we stand on, and the principal has to have a back bone. It shouldn't happen anywhere, but a Christian school can go to the kids and the parents and say "Hello? Not going to happen here. Ever!"

Again, we'll see what the superintendent does with this. I hope a specific policy is written about bullying, not just using the "behavior" policy.

 

[Curlyone]

My son had the same problems when he was in middle school. He was very small for his age (premie) but he was very smart. These boys tried to trap him in the hallways. He wanted to handle this on his own and he did. But it did transfer over into high school. Believe it or not, my son and some of these boys are now actually friends. Not great friends, but friends just the same.

He is now in the Corps of Cadets at Virginia Tech. He had a lot of problems in his first year there. The freshmen are the lowest of the low. They are actually called "Rats". He had a few in his company constantly doing things to him. Hitting him during football games, calling him names, making fun of his feet, and trying to get him to quit the Corps. But he hung in there (now a Junior) and they main kid that was doing this actually quit the Coprs. at the end of his freshman year.

My son is quite the mature man now. I see how he handled this (I would have been kicking some serious butt) and even though everyone (from his "buds" to the upper levels) knew this was going on. They allowed it to weed out the "weeklings". Some of the Seniors and people in his chain of command told him "don't take no s *** off your buds. Nip it in the bud!" It just made me hot knowing that we were PAYING big $'s to a school where my son was being bullied! My son is a bigger person that I am.

I feel your pain, but now that it is over with, he feels better having handled it him self.

My only advice is if you feel that your son is in danger, get the princliple involved. My DH wasn't as upset as I was (I guess it is a guy thing). The kids today are very mean and some of their parents arn't much better. The apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree.

I pray for ALL the children in the world to be safe, even the bullies.

Connie