Ot~Tired of Being the Mommy-Vent Warning

[chefmeg]

I don't want to be a grown up anymore! My Dh was gone for 12 days, and in this time it seems like both kids have decided to become, well, no nice way to put it....HORRIBLE! My 11 yo DS is rolling his eyes, telling me "whatever" and each time I ask that boy a question, he replies in a surly manner. My 8 yo DD is walking around pouting...and when I ask what is wrong, she gets tears in her eyes and says "nothing".

Silly me thought that when DH got home, they would improve....NOT! He just had a run in with DS and I looked at DH like "I told you so" because he didn't really believe things went downhill while he was gone. I just cannot be the entertainer around here...as long as we are doing what they want, all is well. But as soon as they are told to do something we want, the ickyness (is that a word?) begins! My mother warned me about this! I actually had to go for a 2 hour drive ALONE today to try to calm down...they were horrible in church (and old enough to know better), they were rotten at the resteraunt for lunch, they bickered and picked on each other all afternoon and now we have sent each of them to their rooms for bed....it is only 7:20 pm!

I'm tired........I know school starts in 3 weeks, but how will I keep from either killing them or losing what little sanity I have left before then!? DH says keep them busy~I feel like that gives into the "doing what they want"/entertaining part and I have other things to do! I have 4 shows this week for goodness sake and I need to still be able to run this household..................OK, I think I am done.......thanks for reading this far!

 

[etteluap70PC]

Ummmm... Ya I have those days.... some weeks more than one. I love my kids but this summer has been rough.

 

[chefmeg]

it seems the older they get, the worse it becomes....I can usually handle it/block it out, but the behavior in church today really set the tone for how I handled everything else....really, how do you expect people to worship and pray around you when you are having a slap-fest with your sister????? I ALMOST came unglued enough to take both of them to the nursery, but decided that it wasn't the place to get ugly. Next time, I won't be so generous!

 

[etteluap70PC]

Oh please don't tell me it gets worse!!! I have a 7yr old and 3 1/2 yr old. They already drive each other nuts! Not to mention me...

Luckily 7yr old DD is off for a week with grandma. I think it will be a nice break for her. (me too)

 

[chefann]

Sounds like they were acting like babies - exactly the people who should have been taken to the nursery!

 

[chefmeg]

Sounds like they were acting like babies - exactly the people who should have been taken to the nursery!

that was EXACTLY what I was going to tell them! I did threaten to do it if they EVER act like that again, and you know, once you have threatend, you must follow thru! CAn't wait for next Sunday!

 

[rennea]

My Mother would have grabed my arm and told me: "start praying cause when we get home your really going to need God on your side."

My Mom was famous for the arm twists and death threats

 

[pampchefrhondab]

I agree the older they get sometimes the worse it gets.

My children have many extra things they do not want to lose - which is the first thing I take away when the don't behave. First for my two daughters is their cell phone, second the internet, third doing things w/friends. My son it's his Xbox live, then cell phone, then doing things w/friends. They are older then your children so I don't know what your kids like to do. Mine are 18, 16 and 13 1/2.

I know when I was little and we didn't behave in church my Dad would make us come home and sit in a chair for one hour - the length of church! He would set the timer. If we didn't behave he would re-set the time for an hour! I only had to sit on the chair one time! I only warned my children about this about 2 times and luckily never had to do it. They did go to church during school (Catholic grade school) so got very used to sitting still in church.

One time I was so angry w/my daughter I started packing her clothes and told her if she wasn't going to behave and be happy at our house she could go live somewhere else. I of course don't know what I would have done if she was okay w/going!, but she cried and said she was sorry and didn't want to leave. I of course hugged her and told her I loved her, but I could not let her behave the way she was. She behaved for weeks afterward.

Tough love is very hard, but your kids will appreciate you for it. The other day I was in the pool with my daugter (the one in the story above) and she told me, "You're a great Mom." It made my day!

You have to decide when to fight with them and be committed to win. If they know you are going to win the next time it will be much easier. You just have to warn them and they know you will go through w/it. Another time when my same daughter as above was about 2 she spilled dry cereal on the floor in our living room. She had been told not to take it away from the table. I asked her to pick it all up and she said, "no." I took her blanket away and threw it in the trash. She cried for almost 3 hours! I told her she would not get it back until she cleaned up her mess. She finally did. I was on vacation that day - worked full time then. It was not the way I wanted to spend my vacation day, but it made my life a lot easier later!

I learned some of these lessons from Dr. Dobson's The Strong Willed Child and Parenting Isn't for Cowards. He is very good.

Good luck!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I agree the older they get sometimes the worse it gets.

My children have many extra things they do not want to lose - which is the first thing I take away when the don't behave. First for my two daughters is their cell phone, second the internet, third doing things w/friends. My son it's his Xbox live, then cell phone, then doing things w/friends. They are older then your children so I don't know what your kids like to do. Mine are 18, 16 and 13 1/2.

I know when I was little and we didn't behave in church my Dad would make us come home and sit in a chair for one hour - the length of church! He would set the timer. If we didn't behave he would re-set the time for an hour! I only had to sit on the chair one time! I only warned my children about this about 2 times and luckily never had to do it. They did go to church during school (Catholic grade school) so got very used to sitting still in church.

One time I was so angry w/my daughter I started packing her clothes and told her if she wasn't going to behave and be happy at our house she could go live somewhere else. I of course don't know what I would have done if she was okay w/going!, but she cried and said she was sorry and didn't want to leave. I of course hugged her and told her I loved her, but I could not let her behave the way she was. She behaved for weeks afterward.

Tough love is very hard, but your kids will appreciate you for it. The other day I was in the pool with my daugter (the one in the story above) and she told me, "You're a great Mom." It made my day!

You have to decide when to fight with them and be committed to win. If they know you are going to win the next time it will be much easier. You just have to warn them and they know you will go through w/it. Another time when my same daughter as above was about 2 she spilled dry cereal on the floor in our living room. She had been told not to take it away from the table. I asked her to pick it all up and she said, "no." I took her blanket away and threw it in the trash. She cried for almost 3 hours! I told her she would not get it back until she cleaned up her mess. She finally did. I was on vacation that day - worked full time then. It was not the way I wanted to spend my vacation day, but it made my life a lot easier later!

I learned some of these lessons from Dr. Dobson's The Strong Willed Child and Parenting Isn't for Cowards. He is very good.

Good luck!

Good books!!! I used to have to use that death grip on Joshua neck/shoulder area to get him to behave- If you guys are trying to make them happy by doing everything they want, just to keep the peace, then they are running the show Miss Meg- If they cannot be polite and courteous of the things that you guys need or would like to do as a family- then privelages should be taken away and they should be campused (my mom called it campused, instead of grounding) Anywhoo- I don't have children of my own, but I did have defiant step-children and I was a teacher and a live in nanny---you are the boss- not their entertainment director- if they cannot be civl and tolerable- then they can be alone in their rooms with a book!

 

[cmdtrgd]

Ummm.....sometimes I act that way.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Ummm.....sometimes I act that way.

Then you can go to bed without supper missy! LOL (just teasing!)

 

[chefmeg]

Oh, I am a strong supprter of James Dobson and I have practically demolished "The Strong Willed Child"!! I know I have to practice "tough love", it just gets harder and harder everyday......I am feeling sorry for myself! :cry: Both kids went to bed when told and it has been blessedly quiet since~that has helped me calm down a bit and now I am off for a glass of wine and bed!
Tomorrow, the kids will be very busy.......the recycle needs to go out, the bathrooms need to be cleaned, laundry needs to be done, we are going to the grocery store, and then, they are cooking dinner! I have a book club dinner meeting with some girlfriends! I love book club!

I also love cheap child labor! DH & I 'joke' that that is why we had kids...someone has to do the cleaning around here!

 

[pampchefsarah]

Aww, Meg, as a mom of an 18 year boy (er, um, I mean, man ), and a 13 year old girl, I can totally relate.

For the boy - well, sorry, he's at that age, and, while you don't have to put up with it (meaning let him know it's not acceptable and is punishable), you will have to wait until he outgrows it.

For your daughter - take this seriously. It could be just a phase - my daughter, at that age, would cry at the smallest perceived affront. But, it could be something more serious. Sadly, these days, 8 is not too young to start menstruating (my daughter was 11). Maybe someone in the neighborhood is bullying her. Maybe someone is doing something worse. Of course, like I said, it could be just a phase, so take it seriously, but don't jump to conclusions. Just ask questions.

There's also the thought that, since both children started acting up at about the same time, it may be related. Perhaps your dd's feelings are getting hurt by her brother's new-found defiant behavior.

If it's just an age-related period, I can assure you it does get better. My kids didn't get along for a long time, but now, while they're not yet best friends, they do have alot in common, and like to share discoveries in music and YouTube comedy videos.

One last thing - I volunteered in the nursery today. We had 3 toddlers and 2 babies. It was fun, but exhausting. I'm not sure I would have responded well if someone had also asked me to be used as a punishment for their older children as well.

 

[merego]

Meg, so sorry to hear you had a bad day/few weeks. I have a teen who can be as good as gold one week and just a PAIN IN THE A$$ the next and I am thinking, where is my sweet little boy?? I have a 1 and 2 year old. Sometimes I think if I knew how it would be now with my teen, I might not have had any more kids... I love my kids more than anything in the world, but sometimes I feel the same way, I don't want to be a mom anymore ( or maybe for just a few days). My mom always says this too shall pass

 

[pampered.chris]

Meg, I so feel for you!!! My DD is 11 and she sometimes acts like she is much older and "deserves" much much more. There have only been a few times that she has gotten lippy with me. I told her the first time to make sure she used her backtalk well b/c she had 3 chances to backtalk me before she gets backhanded. (not that I would, but the threat worked) I told her she was now left with 2 chances so she better save them. The bad thing is that the neighbors daughter is her age and it seems like all of her friends get away with acting like this. I have told her on more than one occassion that I am perfectly fine w/ her hating me throughout the next few years b/c I know that when she is older, she will very much appreciate the way I have raised her and be thankful that I kept her in line.
She has her moody days and being an only child she will hide in her room all day long. She has rolled her eyes a few times at me, but only a few times. She has stopped.
I have been raising her the same way I was raised and hopefully better. I dont think I am a bad person today and I don't really have that whole, "my childhood was horrible" issues...there were moments and they were big ones that my parents messed up. But I try. There are still days that I want to give up being a mom. There have been many days throughout the years where I have thought that God made a mistake and that I should not have ever become a parent. I just don't have the patience for it.
I became a mom very young and very oops...but I wouldn't trade her for the world. I spoke to a friend of mine that was a young oops mom and now has 3 children (16, 10, 1) and she said that she just now is feeling like this is "right". Her story made me feel better about my feelings.
I wish you the best and also HATE to hear that "it only gets worse". I feel your pain and wish you better days.
I also agree w/ Renna about what she said...my parents had a look, w/ my dad it was "when we get home, you will hurt" and w/ my mom is was "when we get home, your dad..." Their looks just simple looks could stop us in our tracks. I have that w/ my daughter all I have to do is catch her eye...
Some people may disagree with the way I do things, and that's okay. I might not agree with your way either. But this is what works for me.

 

[lacychef]

Hopefully tomorrow will be the start of a better week!
We definately all have those days.....my 9yo & almost 5yo are always fighting. I'm bribing them this week if they're good all week I'll take them to Chuck E Cheese next Sunday when we go school shopping. Wow, just a minute ago I checked & they even picked up their barbies without my asking 20 times!

 

[pampered.chris]

Hopefully tomorrow will be the start of a better week!
We definately all have those days.....my 9yo & almost 5yo are always fighting. I'm bribing them this week if they're good all week I'll take them to Chuck E Cheese next Sunday when we go school shopping. Wow, just a minute ago I checked & they even picked up their barbies without my asking 20 times!

Gotta love those moments!!

 

[lacychef]

I do think it'll get better though....a friend of mine who's daughter is friends w/my 9yo, she also has a daughter that's a freshman this year. My friend said that grades 6-8 were horrible, but the past few months have been great...she can actually have normal conversations with her older daughter.
So I just think that age is tough---middle school age is tough.

 

[lacychef]

Gotta love those moments!!

OH yeah---cause that RARELY happens around here!

 

[pampered.chris]

I do think it'll get better though....a friend of mine who's daughter is friends w/my 9yo, she also has a daughter that's a freshman this year. My friend said that grades 6-8 were horrible, but the past few months have been great...she can actually have normal conversations with her older daughter.
So I just think that age is tough---middle school age is tough.

I agree...I think it is the hormones and the "testing the waters" time. It is when they are in the transition period from "kid/baby" to "teenager" and trying to see what they can and can't get away with.
But MAN!!! It can be TOUGH!!!

 

[PamperedDor]

Well - ALL I can say is ..................WELCOME to the 2nd week of August!

Every year, I can't wait for summer vacation and then every 2nd week of August......... I would love to keep the weather but need the kids back in school - no matter how many play dates, friends, places we go, they still need the routine of back to school - Now school starts here after labor day and we got out 27th of June - so its NOW they need to be back - each area will have their own time table -

AND it doesn't get better with age - thats why college starts earlier then HS and MS and Elem - cause we need to get them back first before we want to kill them ! (not literally but any Mom would know what I mean!)

OH give me back the newborn stage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[pampered.chris]

Well - ALL I can say is ..................WELCOME to the 2nd week of August!

Every year, I can't wait for summer vacation and then every 2nd week of August......... I would love to keep the weather but need the kids back in school - no matter how many play dates, friends, places we go, they still need the routine of back to school - Now school starts here after labor day and we got out 27th of June - so its NOW they need to be back - each area will have their own time table -

AND it doesn't get better with age - thats why college starts earlier then HS and MS and Elem - cause we need to get them back first before we want to kill them ! (not literally but any Mom would know what I mean!)

OH give me back the newborn stage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You mean we aren't supposed to want to kill them for real? ooopss...




J/k, kind of

 

[pcchefjane]

You're in my prayers, Meg. I had a wonderful DD who even though her dad and I were divorced when she was 11, didn't go through all the teenage stuff. She had a great support system in her Youth Directors who were like 2nd parents to her. I thank God every day she has not been through some things like her friends went through. I just want to 2nd all the great advice from those with Strong-Willed Children who survived!

 

[Jessamary]

My dad has a saying. "There's nothing worse than a 9 year-old boy." I think this could be expanded, both for each gender and a range of 8-12. Mind you, my kids are all under 6, but I've seen my nieces and nephews, and of course, I remember what I was like. My brother and I would fight all day long in the summer!

Take a few deep breaths and go get a massage or a mani/pedi. School's almost back in session. My mom used to throw a party every first day of school with the other mothers. Probably for this reason!

 

[dannyzmom]

May I recommend a program called 1-2-3 Magic?
You can get it in book form, DVD or CD form.
I was in your shoes this time last year...and then last August my ex-DH's new wife slipped me a set of CDs (the 1-2-3 Magic Program) and suggested DH and I listen to them and start using the techniques with the kids right away. She and ex-DH had been using the program for about 2 weeks successfully and figured it would REALLY work if we all followed it in both households. Well let me tell you - IT WORKS LIKE MAGIC. My children are SO much more enjoyable now - we can pleasantly go to malls, restaurants, events, etc with them. It works!!!

 

[lacychef]

Any more details you want to share on that Carolyn....or are ya going to make us buy the book? No seriously, I'll have to check it out.

 

[krzymomof4]

Don't beat yourself up. Most of us have minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, decades just like that
Keep your chin up. Sometimes we just need to vent and need to go somewhere where we won't feel like the "bad mommy". It is great that there are so many of us who have had the urge to hang all the kids to the ceiling by their toenails
I am told though that this too shall pass...someone just needs to tell me when

 

[Shawnna]

I have an 18 year old, a 15 year old and a 12 year old. Right now my oldest thinks he is a man and should get to stay out as late as he wants, do whatever he wants, and that I should not ask him questions about where he has been or who he has been with. He graduated in May and has a summer job until he goes to college in 3 1/2 weeks. He lives at home where he pays no rent and eats food that I buy. I have to get up extra early every morning to wake him up for work because he can't get up by himself...I have no clue how he is going to make it to class on time, but he will have to figure it out. He makes minimum wage, drives a pick-up that was paid for by me with insurance that is paid for by me. His BIG 230.00 check each week buys him gas to go back and forth to work and lunch every day with barely any left for dates or things he wants...but I am not suppose to keep tabs on him. I do not expect him to help with our expenses...rent or food...but I do expect that he respects us enough to be courteous and considerate to us. He does not fight or argue with his sister but he and his brother fight all the time...they wear the same size clothes, so they are always fighting about what clothes belong to each of them.

My DD and her younger brother fight and bicker constantly. They get up fighting, they fight as soon as I pick them up from school, and they are usually still fighting when they go to bed. I have spanked them...although DD is getting too big for that. I have taken things away from them, I have threatened them within an inch of their life. Nothing seems to work. I told them I was at my wits-end and that if they didn't stop I was going to handcuff them together and they would have to go everywhere together. I guess it must be an age thing.

 

[kcjodih]

I do think it'll get better though....a friend of mine who's daughter is friends w/my 9yo, she also has a daughter that's a freshman this year. My friend said that grades 6-8 were horrible, but the past few months have been great...she can actually have normal conversations with her older daughter.
So I just think that age is tough---middle school age is tough.

My 2 are starting grades 6 and 8!! Maybe that explains why mine don't get along 95% of the time.

 

[lissahope26]

You should video tape them so they can see how for themselves how they are acting.

 

[MissChef]

I think threads like this are why I love this board so much! This is my life, Meg! My son is 12 and my daughter is 8 and my hubby tells me "to keep them busy" too! And "oh yeah, make sure you are doing enough shows to make the extra money we need, and don't forget to clean everything, take care of all the errands and don't spoil them!" ughhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!:cry::grumpy: I want to hurt that man sometimes! And then when he complains about the kids, I want to knock his block off!:grumpy:

 

[mpkegley]

Man, I feel really bad. My DS is only 3 and I feel that way too sometimes! It sounds like it only gets worse! Meg, I hope things get better for you at home.

 

[chefmeg]

you guys are great! I plan to keep them busy, and not in the way they expect! DD woke up this morning not feeling well, so we may be going to the doctor, BUT the plan for the day is to do chores, chores and more chores.

I have heard of 1-2-3 Magic Carolyn and I may just have to investigate that more.

Part of our current problem is that we have new neighbors~an 11 yo girl and a 14 yo boy...my kids spent alot of time with them last week and I think the age differences have affected my kids in a bad way. They see these kids getting away with certain things that I wouldn't allow and just the fact that the 3 year age difference is at a time in their lives that they are light years difference.
I have decided that there needs to be limited time spent with these kids. Just a gut feeling, but I am going with it.

Yep, school starts here in 3 weeks and I couldn't be more ready~the kids even said about 2 weeks ago that they are ready! Scary, huh? I really want year round school!!

Thanks for letting me vent, guys! It helps sometimes just to know I am not alone!

 

[KellyTheChef]

Meg (and everyone else!)

I feel your pain!

My DSD was an ANGEL till about the age of 9-10, and then she was switched with another personality overnight! Suddenly, the world revolved around her and the attitude started.

DSS is now 13. I thought that perhaps he was going to skip over that snotty, cocky attitude thing...but NOPE! It has shown up over the past 6 months...guess his just started later.

I have been known to send DSS to his room for a real time out. JUST LIKE WHAT I DO WITH MY 3 YEAR OLD! One minute for every year of age...so he sat on his bed (doing nothing but staring at the wall) for 13 minutes, then I went in and said (just like I do with Evan) "Why are you in time out Sean?" and he had to tell my why he was there and apologize before he could get up.

Your kids are CERTAINLY not too old for time out. If that doesn't help...start taking stuff away from them that they love. (Computer, phone, swimming, whatever they want to be doing) I don't think that we as Moms should be responsible for "keeping them busy" once they are old enough to do that themselves! Geesh! No one occupied ME during the summer, and I grew up as a responsible adult and did NOT backtalk my parents growing up....

I think I love the timeout thing cuz I just stay very calm throughout the process and it doesn't seem to "escalate" the situation into me fighting with him...it's just me giving him a consequence for his poor choices.