Personal I'm a Horrible Mom! Sorry Very Long!!

[kcjodih]

So about an hour ago my 11 yo DS comes upstairs and tells me he's 'bored'. This is after just having his time on the computer and then playing 1/2 an hour of video games with his dad. I guess now that he wasn't being 'entertained' he was 'bored'.

I shared with him different things that he could do such as reading a book, painting a model (he started his first model, a car a few months ago but never finished it), building with his lego, drawing pics (which he usually loves to do) etc. He said nope, nope, nope. Hmmm, how about the computer?

I said no, you know the rule, one hour a day and that's it. He starts pouting so I suggest he go down and play on one of his TWO guitars that he hasn't touched in a year! He got his acoustic one for his 9th birthday after asking, with the agreement that he'd take lessons. After taking lessons once a week for 4 months or so he said he wanted an electric one. We told him a year and a half of lessons and maybe. Then DH decides without consulting me to purchase one for him for his 10th birthday - so not even a year of lessons. Within two months after receiving the electric one it was a fight to go to lessons and we gave up. Now both guitars sit in his room. I'm tempted to sell them but think what happens if, just IF, he decides to pick it up again in a year or two. Maybe they'd be too small though? Hmmm...not sure.

Anyway, he says I wish I had a laptop of my own (like I do). I said they were very expensive and even if he did have one he would still only get an hour a day on it. (I limit how much time both he and my 14yo DD spend on there, video games AND tv so they actually DO something!) He said how about I sell my guitars and use it towards a laptop?

This is where I LOST IT!! I stated that if HE hadn't asked for these because HE wanted them then maybe the money could have actually gone towards a laptop down the road. But instead HE asked for an expensive item for his birthday and that was the ONE item he got each year from us. The second year his uncle bought him a hard sided guitar case for the electric guitar, someone bought him a gift certificate for music books or whatever and his godmother got him a guitar stand! All sitting unused.

I also stated that IF these were sold it would be money back in OUR pockets not his since these were bought with MY hard earned $ for him to NOT use more than a couple times. He said but they were my gifts, I should get the money! Hmm...good point, what do you think?

Anyway, the conversation progressed to all the things he's 'asked for' over the years for Christmases and bdays that are sitting in their original boxes under the stairs. He usually asks for something bigger that's $100 - $150 and we'll end up getting that from us and then a couple smaller things from Santa. And we'll get him one large thing like that for his birthday which is in November. So 2 large things from us a year. Also when the in-laws saw that he wasn't playing with much they would ask for ideas from him and then SIL, BIL and MIL would combine to get him ANOTHER large item for his birthday from them. So 3 larger gifts each year.

He's got about 6 dragon castles with accessories in boxes used only a couple of times but he HAD to have them for his 6th, 7th and 8th bdays etc. A Knex roller coaster that he only built 1/4 of with regular help from DH and then it sat for 4 months until I asked him to box it up since we were moving. Of course where is it now? Under the stairs. Never touched since we moved here a year and a half ago. Also some sort of wall climbing truck/car thing that was $100 and only used once or twice. SO frustrating!

By the end of our long discussion turned argument, I said to him that since he's so bored and he's only got one hockey game this weekend and it's a three day weekend he could do something constructive that would be helpful to all starting NOW! Get downstairs, get one of those boxes out from under the stairs, put it together so I could take pics so I could sell it online. This would solve 3 things...his boredom, dad needing space under the stairs for storage, and mom getting money for all these wasted gifts!

First he was stomping around banging things and now's he's alternating between banging things around and pouting as he builds. I told him one tonight, two tomorrow, Sunday and Monday (takes him about an hour each time) and let me know when each one's done so I can ensure all pieces are there, take pics and post.

Now I'm feeling horrible but I don't want to back down! He's not pouting at all about me getting rid of them, just that I'm making him put them together!!

 

[pamperedpals]

Jodi you are not a horrible Mom. I wish I could the same with my 3 DS'. The two youngest share a playroom and you can't even walk in it, because there is stuff all over the place.

I keep telling them that if they don't clean up their playroom, I am going to go in and take everything that is on the floor and donate it to children who don't have anything. I never do though.

 

[kcjodih]

Well see we do donate regularly all their outgrown clothing, good to great conditioned books and other toys/board games they've outgrown. We take all their outdoor clothing, boots etc to the firehall every year or two for the coat drive. These things though are larger ticket items that he used less than 10 times each.

I'm thinking I'd sell what I could, give away what I can't and then put the $ away towards something for him down the road. Whether it's a laptop (which I don't think an 11 yo needs but his buddies each have one and our computer IS 6 years old and needs repairs/replacements all the time) or towards a special goalie camp that's more $ than the one he usually goes to, or whatever.

I just feel SO bad listening to him down there trying to build this thing

Thanks Laurie for sharing your thoughts!

 

[jbdowd0798]

Don't feel bad or else I'd be in the same catgory as you! LOL I always tell people I get the meaniest mommy award weekly from my kids!

 

[pampermejolene]

I'm not a Mom but that doesn't sound mean at all. He said he was bored and you gave him plenty of options on how to cure his boredom. He's just mad because he didn't get the answer he wanted "sure, go ahead and get on the computer". I think in the long run it's better. I watch my niece a lot and she is always wanting to watch tv or play on the computer and often times I will suggest we do a craft or something instead. Usually she'll go along with it (as long as I am there helping her). Once we are done she is always proud that she has a card or baked good or whatever it is to give to her grandparents or dad. She doesn't get that kind of satisfaction after staring at a screen!

 

[janezapchef]

Oh my gosh! You are not a horrible mom at all! You're not backing down! I think THAT takes quite a bit of "being a good mom" to do, otherwise, you aren't teaching your son anything except that if he complains enough he'll get what he wants! Good for you!

 

[janezapchef]

That being said, I do have the same feeling every time I have to be the "bad guy" and not give in to my kids' demands.

 

[Nanisu]

Well, it sounds about right for an 11 year old......hang in there and don't back down--they are very self absorbed at this age. Doesn't mean you have to give in to it--whining is just part of the stage he's at.

 

[Chefgirl2]

He is 11...my son is trying toassert his independence and manipulate us the same way. He also wants a laptop, more computer time, not to eat anything but pizza and bean burritos(his father is a picky eater), to stay up until 11 or later on school nights and to argue all the time.

An 11 year old does not need a laptop. My son ate a normal healthy meal last night for the first time in years. The entire family had the same thing to eat the last two dinners in a row...he had a fit on Thursday, but I did not back down. For the last 13 years my hubby wasn't supporting my decision that we all should eat the same healthy dinner together. He did last night when I told him I hit my limit.

Don't feel bad. My son said that sometimes he thinks I hate him. It crushed me. I live for my family. As bad as it was, it was just as good. After last night, everyone knows mom found a spine and things are changing. Today has been great!!

I told my son that he needs to accept that we set limitations for a reason. I love him enough to make him angry now knowing that he will have a healthy mind and body in the future if I don't back down. I told him until he becomes familiar with the different foods it will be a challenge, but he is not eating anything unless it is mom approved.

You are a good mom. Give in now and what is the next button our sons will push? My son is great, and I'm sure your's is, too. We know they need to grow up to be independent. Giving them a strong foundation will keep them develop into mature men that make good decisions so others want to be around them.

Good luck, Elaine

 

[kcjodih]

Wow, I don't know what to say. First of all, a great big thank you to all of you! I've been sitting here with tears pouring down my face reading this thread. I was so nervous to come back to this thread and see what everyone's responses were. I was so concerned that I opened every new thread BUT this one until now.

As you all know it's difficult being a parent somedays, lately most days. I so don't want to damage my child but I DO want him to have limits, respect us as his parents, appreciate what is given to him and not be ungrateful.

He's usually not a selfish child. He's very, very kind to classmates, teammates, strangers etc. And such a compassionate child. Sad stories in the news make him hurt, he doesn't like to see anyone sad, lonely, hurting etc so this just threw me for a loop!

I keep trying to remind my children of all that they DO have and how very lucky they are. Lately though for him it's all that he doesn't have. His best friend who's a really great boy and shares similiar interest with my son such as participating in all sports, getting good marks in school, never getting in trouble in school etc also love video games and scary movies. My son has always loved the video games as well and has just recently started watching these movies while over at his friend's.

They only see each other every 2 - 3 weeks because they don't go to the same school since we moved to the outskirts of town, nor do they play on the same soccer, baseball or hockey teams due to where we're now living. However, this boy is an only child from parents who are very well off and think why not get whatever for him. He lives IN town yet has a dirtbike and 4 wheeler he never rides since there's no where to ride it. He has an Xbox 360, Nintendo DS, Playstation 3, and now his own laptop. Why with a home computer and being the only child using it does he need a laptop I'll never know. Also all name brand (American Eagle, Columbia etc) clothing, outwear etc. As soon as new runners came out, he got them.

My son on the other hand has a Playstation 2 that was bought for the whole family 6 years ago and a DS he got for Christmas 2 years ago. He wanted a newer gaming system so I told him to start saving and he finally bought himself a used original Xbox with a couple games for $75. Not the 360 because HE couldn't afford it and we weren't buying it! My son saw the new runners this boy had bought and said he wanted some. I explained I had bought him new runners in August that he picked out and new ones again in November (2 pairs) since he had grown and needed both indoor for school and outdoor so I wasn't buying anymore. He checked his wallet, we went to the sporting goods store where this brand is carried and he bought himself a pair for $60. It was buy one get the second for half price but he didn't have enough $ to buy the second pair and I was darned if I was going to with the 2 pairs I'd bought two months before!!

So I'm doing my darndest to try and teach him the value of a dollar and I'm so frustrating and saddened when he's starts acting like this. He's been doing it here and there for the last couple of months and tonight was the wrong night for Mama!

I will be following through, we will be selling all that isn't used around here. The boxed castles, race track, air hockey table, slot machines Dh just HAD to have etc. None of these have been used since we moved in here 17 months ago or for the 6 months before we moved. I think I'll wait on selling the guitars though :blushing:

And when I'm feeling horrible, I'll keep reminding myself what my great friends on here had to say! Thanks again all!

Oh, and for those of you tomorrow who haven't piped in with your 2 cents, please feel free to do so..I think

 

[raebates]

Good for you, Jodi. Add my voice to those agreeing with putting your foot down. Having him put one of them together was genius. At my house bored kids were given their choice of 2 chores. Once the chore they chose was done, I would offer them another choice of they were still bored. None ever were. (Yes, I had only one child, but he often had a passel of friends over. If you were at my house you were treated like my own child.)I've often said that unless your child leaves his/her teens having said at least once that you were the meanest parent in the world and just trying to ruin his/her life you haven't done your job.I think one of the hardest things about parenting is the feeling that you're out on that little dinghy all alone. You're not. There are oodles of us right in the same boat with you.

 

[Crystal Patton]

To quote The Princess Bride: Stand your ground men! Stand your ground!

I too am a bad mom, at least 2-3 times a day. But kids, of any age need to know where the boundaries are and most times they can only find this out if they push at the place the boundaries were the last time they pushed. It HARD to be a parent. But it's the toughest job you'll ever love. Kids always feel better and act better when we enforce the boundaries. They know where they can go and where they can't. Of course this feeling better and acting better seems to be a long time coming. LOL

As my DH always says when one of ours has been pushing the boundaries and we have to be the 'bad' parent, "The counseling later!"

Hang in there, we all know how you feel and hope that by standing our ground our kids will be better people.

 

[PChef_ang]

Congratulations on loving your children enough to stand up to them!!! Kids may visibly show that they don't like boundaries, but deep down they are really thankful for them.

Our oldest DD will be 16 in April and on more than one occasion, our boundaries and rules have bailed her out of sticky situations with her friends and she's been able to influence some decisions they've made. It brings her reassurance in knowing that this is the rule, this is always the rule and she knows she'll be held accountable for her actions. At this age she has learned that it is really not a good idea to break our trust over something trivial like sneaking into rated R films and such....

Hang in there, it'll all pay off in the end

 

[mrssyvo]

I will chime in here as well. I was a single mom with 2 girls, and raised them alone until I married DH when they were in high school and college. I do not think I was a too-tough parent, and my oldest DD's tactic was to get me to laugh while punishing (spanking, etc) and it would be all over. BUT, that being said, it was very clear to them that I was the parent, and they were the child. I was not their friend, they had enough friends, I was the parent, and I was not afraid to parent. I told them if I go through 1 week without hearing them mumble under their breath (they would never DARE to say it out loud) "I hate you", then I am not doing my job!!!!! Now, they are adults, and very well disciplined, responsible functioning adults, contributing to society. I think I succeeded. Hang in there!!!! Too many parents these days want to be their child's friend, and as Dr Phil says, it's the tail wagging the dog !!!!

 

[pamperedlinda]

Ya'll are making me wish that my son will remain 6 forever! LOL

We are really working on setting the boundaries too as I know it will be much harder to enforce as he grows older. btw, DS thinks that he also needs his own laptop and cell phone.

 

[mrssyvo]

I think one other thing helped me as well. A good friend explained to me that kids need to learn at an EARLY age, that they can make decisions, but there are also consequesnces for those decisions. That really stuck with me, with my girls. No matter how bad I wanted to bail them out, I made sure that they faced the consequences for their decisions. When my daughter was 16, and just got her license, In the state of Illinois, they could not drive after midnight- their license was invalid after midnight. She was at a bible study with her youth group on a Friday night, and she talked her boyfriend into letting her drive his car home She got pulled over, not for speeding, but for curfew check. I got a phone call that every parent dreads, "Mam, do you know where your daughter is?" I explained, yes, she should be coming home from bible study, etc" Well, she was charged with driving on invalid license, and I refused to pay her fine, so she had to do community service. She hated that, but she also knew that the decision SHE made, also caused consequences SHE chose. She spent the first Saturday morning working at a paint recyling center with teens that had stolen cars, robbed homes, etc, and then I let her work the rest off working along side her youth pastor painting the teen center. I never had a bit of trouble with her after that. Graduated from college, dean's list, etc. Too many parents are letting kids have no consequences for choices they make, and they do not learn important life lessons.

 

[LeslieSGI]

No, you are not a horrible mom.

 

[candiejayne]

Jodi, I feel the same way a lot of the time. I'm not his mom, nor his step mom yet, but I'm still the adult female of the house helping to raise this 6 yo. He tells me he hates me all of the time, but I know that I can not back down. I come across things today in my own life, simple stuff like cleaning, and I wonder why my parents didn't push me harder when I was a kid to teach me what I need to know now. My parents were great to me, but they often caved in. At that time I was always happy about it, but now that I'm out on my own and raising a family, I wish they had stood their ground, and better taught me values I'm trying to accomplish now.

 

[princessmeshelle]

My boys aren't there yet. BUT, I can't wait to be "The Mean MOM". It was the right choice to put your foot down. Children need boundries and are secretly grateful for them. You may not hear it until they have their own kids. But they are greatful for them. If you back down now, it will only set the example of them getting their way. And as far as selling the unused or lightly used gifts, he may have a small point. But I think I would (and will) have done the same thing. It's not like he came to you and said, "Mom, I want to sell X ,Y & Z. So I can buy whatever." It sounds like it was more of "you won't let me have my way, so I'll sell all my nice stuff and get what I want." In my opinion there is a difference. The first being thought out and coming to you for approval and help. The second is obviously an attempt to gain some kind of control over the situation. I think you did the right thing and I hope that 8 or so years down the road when my kids get there I will be just as good of a parent and put my foot down where need be.

 

[sklay723]

My kids are only three, and I'm dreading the day when they start getting severe cases of the gimmes. But as a parent it's our job to stand up for what we think is the right thing for them...at that age, they may THINK they know everything, but they don't, not really anyway. The problem I see (especially since I have friends with older kids and my niece is going to be 12 in April) is that there are so many parents who DON'T give their kids boundaries and teach them to appreciate what they have...and then when those kids are around each other in school, it's hard for a child with parents who are more careful to not feel like they're missing out. Keep up the great work...your child will thank you for it later on!!! I tell my parents "thank you" all the time because each time my kids pass into a different age and stage, I realize just what they must have dealt with by raising my brother and me.

 

[WLMcCoy]

I think you're being a GREAT mom!!

 

[esavvymom]

No...you aren't not horrible. Our first job is to be the parent and not the best friend. We try to be the nice-guy, but sometimes we can't. My boys aren't that age yet, but my 8 yr old has his moments. In the last few months, we've started teaching them the value of a dollar. They earn "commission" (Dave Ramsey) for basic chores around the house, and then they can get extra for special projects/requests that we may have for them. They can use that money 'reasonably' the way they want. Now, since my boys are still fairly young in that department, we help them- by asking guiding questions. For example- "do you want to spend $20 on that toy HERE, or let's shop around and find a better price? Mommy knows where you can get it for $10 instead." Or "Do you want to spend your money on candy, or save it to go to the Arcade/putt-putt center next week?" Stuff like that (age appropriate level obviously - my kids aspire for great things with their money *hehe*). BUT IT WORKS!! They not only are learning about it for THEIR money, but our's as well. So they don't ask for things the same since they now understand what that dollar means.Maybe helping him find a way for him to earn/save that money for those big items will make it sink in more. But, no, having a laptop on your dime would be crazy. If it's broken, that's it. Yikes! But if he has to work for it and pay for it himself, he may think twice about it.Stick to it.

 

[KellyTheChef]

Let me tell you from experience that you are doing the RIGHT thing by setting boundaries and sticking to your guns. Plus, you are teaching him that $$ doesn't grow on trees...nor can he toss nice gifts aside THAT HE ASKED FOR and then think that he has the right to sell them and pocket the $$. GOOD GIRL!!

Ask my 17 year old step daughter (who is in counseling now...and has a LONG road to go to get through some serious problems) how much having NO boundries does to mess with the head of a child. (NO RULES at her mom's house, where she spent most of the past 5 years) People nowadays want to be their child's "friend" when in reality, kids NEED STRUCTURE, DISCIPLINE, and ROUTINE to flourish. Ask any good counselor or psychiatrist and they will tell you the same thing.

Stick to your guns...you love him and you are trying to TEACH him so when he becomes an adult he will be a 100% functioning asset to society!

I tell my kids all the time that it's not my job to make them happy 100% of the time, my job is to grow them up into mature, responsible adults who can take care of themselves!!

YOU GO GIRL!!

 

[raebates]

You can absolutely be your child's good friend--once they're an adult. Letting kids do what they want is easier in the moment, but it makes things harder in the long run.

 

[Kitchen2u]

Jodi ~ if you're a horrible Mom...then I am too! You did EXACTLY what I did when the kids were younger. I had Robyn read your post and she looked at me and said, "Jodi's just like you! I remember when you got upset with me for the same reason. But I REALLY learned for it."

She has. She watches prices, looks at quality, and asks herself..."do I NEED it or d I WANT it?" The famous phrase I always used for the kids.

 

[DebbieSAChef]

No you are not a horrible mom. Being a parent is a learning process but we must set boundaries and stick with them. Just like discipline. It must be done and it must be consistent.
My children have come to realize what our money goes to. We have actually sat our kids down ages 12 - 4 (the younger kids don't understand yet) and told them what bills we pay. We did this with the older two when they were younger too but have to REMIND them sometimes:
Mortgage
Car payment
Insurance
Water
Energy
Gas
Food
ETC.....
They were shocked to find out that we pay so many bills and that water and light is not FREE. We give them chores, they earn allowance. Not a big amount but something we fit into our budget. When they want something expensive, they have to pay for some of it. My husband and I are more concerned about giving to our church, missionaries, the poor and towards our bills than to buy the latest or greatest whatchamacallit! We homeschool so we don't usually get the "Do you know what So and So got for Christmas/birthday, etc...?"

And we don't watch TV so the kids aren't bombarded with commercials trying to sell them stuff. LOL
But of course there is a TV at the grandparent's house, Lego catalogs that come in the mail and the Toys R us Jumbo catalog too. LOL
Our kids know that if they ask for something that is going to cost a good amount of money (cameras, video games, etc...), it is probably going to come from their single employed uncle (my brother) and not from us.
Now that doesn't mean we don't get them toys, games, etc... but we have a budget set up where we don't go crazy. We do spend a good amount of money on gifts to one another but that is because mommy and daddy make money! LOL
Our kids are happy, they don't complain, and they know they are loved. The most fun they have is going outside and playing tag on a nice day or rolling around in the leaves with their parents. The most enjoyable things in life are free. And kids need to be taught that at an early age.
I personally am a thrift store, resale shop, garage sale, craigslist and ebay shopper. So guess how my kids shop?
"Mom this blouse costs $10, I can probably find something cheaper at the resale shop."
"Mom I don't play with this anymore but I want that new toy we saw at the store, can we try to sell this and either I'll pay the difference with my money saved or I can sell what I need to, to make enough money?"
It's a blessing to hear those things and for them to see, in our ministry on the poor sides of town, that other kids have nothing!!!!! They come with us and see for themselves how blessed they are. Sometimes kids need to see that and understand that God supplies our NECESSITIES and sometimes our WANTS. I hope this helps in some way. I could never be a good mother without Christ. Stand your ground!

Debbie