How Do I Keep From Killing Him?????!!!!!

[pampered1224]

OK. So I am now working. Hard I might add. I am on my feet for most of the 8.5 hours I work. I am up and down stairs and I am covered with dirt when I get home. So where is Pat? IN BED!!!! I called at 5:30 and left a message to put some potatoes in the oven for dinner. Nope. I asked him today to empty the dishwasher and refill it. Nope. When I was off, I was up about an hour before him, packed a lunch and breakfast for him. I 99.99999% of the time had dinner when he got home. AND NO, IT WAS NOT THAT I FELT I HAD TOO! IT WAS BECAUSE HE EXPECTED IT! NO KIDDING! And now that he is laid off, I can not even get him to put a stinking potato in the oven for crying out loud! I am ready to make dinner and all I want to make is shika loafer! UGH!!!! Help me not kill him!

 

[Cathy pclady]

You need to prepare enough supper for yourself then wash the dishes (and only the dishes) that you used... he is a big boy and can feed and look after himself. You are only helping him be this way if you do the work for him... STOP !!!!

 

[smart2cook]

Agreed!
Relationships are 50/50 and a give and take as needed. He sounds depressed? I hope it gets better but in the mean time congrats on your job and do what you need to do to take care of yourself!

 

[Becca_in_MD]

I agree that he sounds depressed. It might not occur to him that the tables are turned now and that it would be nice if he stepped up and helped with the meals. Maybe over the weekend try to plan the week ahead and talk about meals and how he can get them done. If he's depressed, he may have the best intentions but then just not manage to get himself out of bed or off the sofa to do it. The depression could also have a bad impact on his job hunting.

Let me just say that I would like to kill my husband when I get home from shows. He manages to feed the kids but doesn't clean up after them. Gee, thanks for leaving the mess for me. I think it just doesn't occur to my husband that it's one more thing that I don't want to deal with when coming through the door.

 

[esavvymom]

He obviously needs to realize that there is VALUE in him helping at home, while he is in between jobs, etc. Perhaps knowing that he IS contributing to the home would be a help to him, even if it doesn't mean a paycheck righ tnow.

 

[Intrepid_Chef]

I agree, he sounds depressed. And passive-aggressive. I know, my roommate is the same way some times and it drives me up a wall!I would have an honest conversation about how much you hope he appreciated it when you did dinner and how much YOU would appreciate it if he could step up and do the same.Oh and have I mentioned that said roommate has severe cervical spinal stenosis, and now a herniated disc that requires surgery, and before the back went out at Kathy Griffin .... STILL did the litter boxes more than half the time, the sweeping and the dishes and often the cooking? So if a DISABLED person can do this stuff, why can't Pat?

 

[pampered1224]

That stinks! Now you make feel guilty because he just has a different way of dealing than I do. Poop! Yes I need to talk to him but not when I get home. I am too tired and cranky. That in itself tells you how stressing this job is! Me cranky! How can that be?

 

[Intrepid_Chef]

Often I communicate with Roomie via e-mail. Sad that 2 people in the same house must resort to such indirect conversation, but it's better than waking somone up to yell at them.

 

[minirottie]

Sorry to agree with the others, but I'm also sensing the depression. The challenge may be in him admitting to it? Hopefully he can find that there is value in his doing X, Y and Z...were these things that you did primarily prior to your being back to work F/T and his being laid off?

 

[carlajanes]

saying a prayer for you and pat, john. my hubby had to go on long term disability before he retired.....it's been 8 years now and he has gotten to the point that he rarely gets out of bed. i take care of my mom as well...daddy passed away a year ago. i have my own health issues but have to put them aside as my husband cannot do anything.....i have begged, cried, pleaded, yelled, gave him the silent treatment, encouraged, tried to help....he won't go to the dr.....he won't get out of bed....he won't even put clothes on....so i understand your frustration!!!!! it is soooo very draining when your "helpmate" won't do the helping part. try to talk with him....i don't know pat so i do not know if you have to beat around the bush or you can talk directly....but whatever you have to do....talk with him and express your feelings, concerns and offer a plan that will work for both of you. praying it all works out!!!!

 

[pchockeymom]

I would bet he's definitely depressed. The roles have reversed for him and it scares him. Aside from the fact that he no longer has a job! That's scary to ANYONE! And, he probably feels incredibly vulnerable. You now have a job, you have a way out, you have "security", and you may just decide he's not worth it and leave. Irrational - absolutely. But those are the kinds of thoughts that go through a depressed person's head. Change is really hard for some people.

I would suggest you step outside the situation emotionally. This should help to make dealing with his behavior more tolerable and open your mind to constructively dealing with it (i.e. getting a mediator, discussing it in a non-threatening way and place, having a preplanned plan of action to suggest, and having a plan for yourself if he decides to ignore your efforts to help. By this I certainly don't mean abandoning him, or killing him! But you may find yourself needing to conduct life as if he were not there, or at the very least, knowing you could not count on him participating in life. He will need to decide for himself but often it takes someone telling the other they have a problem before they realize they have a problem.

And killing would really not help you at all in the end. At least with him still around, there's hope he'll snap out of his funk and get busy with life. If you kill him, your definitely on your own!

One last thing, God never gives us any more than we can handle. He's got a plan and a reason for all this to be happening in your life. He will see you through and apparently considers you strong enough a person to handle it.

 

[mountainmama74]

Hugs for you John! I agree with the others that it sounds like he's depressed. I think sitting down with him is a good idea...talk to him and let him know you love him and that you really need his help.

Having just found out that I'm losing a job myself, I understand what he's going through. But I also know that I have things I need to do, so even after next Friday when I'm no longer employed, I have to get up and get those things done!

More hugs...

 

[BethCooks4U]

We all have choices and we have to make them every day. We can sit there and understandably feel sorry or angry. We can blame others for our situation. We can get up and work toward finding the next adventure. Everyone has a right to wallow some but it has to end and we have to do something to get past it and onto the rest of our lives.

You were unemployed for some time. Now he is unemployed (and he has had health problems not that long ago if I remember right). He probably feels you guys can't get a break and he feels defeated. You handled your unemployment with keeping yourself busy and going to school. Once he gets past his funk hopefully he'll find his silver lining.

One question: Has he ever been interested in cooking and such? It could be that foreign to him and he just doesn't know where to start...

Hugs to you both. God will take care of you and you'll be better for it!

(And good for you for coming here to vent vs taking it out on him!)

 

[Brenda.the.chef]

I dealt with a similar situation at home...only it was with my daughter. I let her have her period of "mourning the job loss" until I had enough of catering to her needs. I finally told her that I realize how hard it is to be without a job, but life is NOT over. Yes, you can show empathy, but do it with a tough love approach. I'm not sure how long he's been unemployed, but sometimes they need that little cheerleading session to light their fire again. Baby steps for a certain time and then stronger messages. Will be saying a special prayer for strength and guidance....

 

[pampered1224]

It is just the weirdest thing to see this happening. I guess it did hit him far worse than I thought when he got laid off. I am one of those who just refuses to give up or give in. Apparently he is not. So yes, I am very glad I came out here first rather than wake him up by screaming at him. Like that ever does any good anyway, it only makes things worse. I remembered too the feeling of uselessness that I felt when I first got laid off and I turned around and sort of over compensated for that by doing everything I could, so I did forget that as I refused to let it linger. Not that I did not fall back into that from time to time but... Instead of that, he sleeps. I did get him to empty the clean dishes from the dishwasher and fill it up again with the dirty ones today so that is a start. He did not run it though but that might be a good thing and that reminds me, I better check to see what he did put in there as I imagine my Ice Cream Dipper and stoneware in there as I do not see them! Thanks everyone for the idea to look at it from a different perspective. His!

 

[chefa]

Progress! Ain't it great? Hang in there; we'll keep sending prayers

 

[pampered1224]

Love this - NO STONES OR ICE CREAM DIPPER BUT I found two Color Coated Knives, my 8" Executive Saute Pan though! OUCH! Not to mention that the dishwasher was full until I rearranged everything and added the same amount of stuff as he already in it. God grant me a HEAPING TON OF UNDERSTANDING!

 

[Intrepid_Chef]

OUCH! I have to say I have trained Roomie pretty well. Have never found executive cookware or ice cream dippers or stoneware. But Roomie has been known to wash my stones in soap until I found out about it and demanded that my stoneware NEVER get touched by Roomie again! Only baking soda has been used since. But I have found bamboo spoons, color coated knife (the serrated one) and glass containers in there ... all of which CAN be washed in the dishwasher but SHOULDN'T. Love the FB status. "Check like if you know someone who is alive only because you can't afford a hit man ...."

 

[pampered1224]

I love that!!! Maybe my first paycheck could make down payment!

 

[Teresa Lynn]

John, I am so sorry you are both going thru this. I can sympathize with you, going thru a divorce I was in the same situation showers someday were a chore & it was hard for my daughter to live with me I'm sure.
HOWEVER, I will say being a housewife and mother of 3 for 24 years before divorce I would get so freakin irritated at my husband on weekends. He was constantly going behind me checking the lint trap in the dryer. (Mind you, I did laundry EVERY day even on vacation and I checked it after each load) He also went behind me and rearranged the dishwasher he saw it as "helpful" (meaning his way was correct and mine wasn't he was an engineer) at the time it was annoying, now that I am recovering I see it as manipulation. Please be careful, if he is in a bad place right now and you redo what he has done at your request (or on his own) you just took his confidence down to level,
Honestly, at then end of the day does it really matter if you get 2 more glasses and 3 plates in it or is it more important that the 61 other things in there got washed.
Hugs!

 

[pampered1224]

Teresa the best part is he will never know because since I am not at work, I will be the only one doing anything this weekend. I will be the one to empty it this weekend! funny you mention the manipulation thing. Pat does that to me all the time. He won't do the work but he criticizes almost everything I do. He won't cook but complains about meals. He won't clean thee kitchen but gets pissy if it is a bit messy. He will not clean the bathroom but complains if there are no towels. I mean seriously? I know for a fact that if I go to work at another job after the 1st, he will not lift a finger to shovel snow! When I got sick and was laid up for three months, he paid someone to do the walks and never bothered with the alley even though we are responsible for our portion. He has been complaining about the static in the house and three weeks ago I told him to vacuum the dinning room where I put the humidifier. I can not fill it until the carpet is clean underneath. So I have not filled it because he has yet to vacuum! So... you see why a hit man may be the thing!

 

[raebates]

I'm proud of you for letting him live this long. LOL! I agree with others that it sounds like he's depressed. Still, it sounds like you two need to have a calm, face-to-face talk about expectations and consequences.

 

[pampered1224]

Well now I am really worried. He got a turn down yesterday from a job he applied for a week ago and he is now really down. (The bad part of that was the ad lied about the position and he took it personally.) He went to bed yesterday afternoon around 3. Got up for dinner at 6, went back to bed at 7:30. He is still there now. I gotta nip this in the bud now. He must have forgotten what I told him about 100 NOs and about all the ads I ran into that did not fully describe the job. Also, I must, must, must start to make very sure I use positive conversation. He is up for another job but he is getting a head of himself and setting himself up for more disappointment. He REALLY wants this one. The problem, the interviewer did tell him she had others to see before a decision would be made. I have to bring him down from that wanting so if he does not get it, the fall will not be so far down. Thank you all for opening my eyes. I started looking at him differently when you all started talking depression. And that is assuredly what it is. Now that I am home today, I can work with it the right way. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

 

[smart2cook]

Rae is right. You are right and everyone is right. Calm is the best way. If you are not familiar with depression, please note it isn't something he can just "snap out of". Maybe he needs to see a doctor but the two of you know best. Expectations-that is the key word here that "always" yes "always" seems to get in a person's way of how we handle something. If we can handle the going for the "no's" that would definately be a great approach!
Good luck to both of you and hope things get much better soon!