jbarnhill
Silver Member
- 196
Here is one of the funniest emails I have received in a long time and thought it would make everyone's Friday a little better. 
Waxing . . . .
>
> My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
> Dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
> Painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
>
> 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
>
> So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one
> Of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
> The strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
>
> No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,
> But I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
>
> (YA THINK!?!)
>
> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
> Other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
> Kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
>
> ('Cold wax, yeah...right!') I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
> Skin around it tight and pull. It works!
>
> OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
>
> Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
> Wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
>
> With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
> I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
> Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
> Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right
> Side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and
> Stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I
> Inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
>
> I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
>
> Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
> Half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
> Spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
> Conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK,
> Back to normal.
>
> I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
> Caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
> Revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
> Strip!
>
> There's no hair on it.
>
> Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
>
> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I
> See the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I
> Touch.
>
> I am touching wax.
>
> I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
> Is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
> Mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
>
> I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
>
> SEALED SHUT!!!!
>
> MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!
>
> SEALED SHUT!!!!
>
> I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to
> Do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
> Head may pop off!'
>
> What can I do to melt the wax?
>
> Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I
> Can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and
> The wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
>
> WRONG!!!!!!!******
>
> I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
>
> Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
> Together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
> Bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
>
> Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
>
> So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
> Cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced
> Me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
>
> I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has
> Some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
> Starter......
>
> 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the
> Tub!'
>
> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
> Removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
> know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or
> hoo-ha?'
>
> She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
> rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
>
> YEAH!!!!! Right!!
>
> I should be the joke of someone else's night.
>
> While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
> the wax off with a razor
>
> Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
> water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
>
> By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
> for this event.
>
> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
> grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
>
> What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and.
>
> OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
>
> The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
> dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
>
> 'IT WORKS!! It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend
> and she hangs up.
>
> I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice
> to my grief and despair....
>
> THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
>
> So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
> hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
>
> Next week I'm going to try hair color
Waxing . . . .
>
> My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
> Dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
> Painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
>
> 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
>
> So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one
> Of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
> The strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
>
> No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,
> But I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
>
> (YA THINK!?!)
>
> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
> Other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
> Kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
>
> ('Cold wax, yeah...right!') I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
> Skin around it tight and pull. It works!
>
> OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
>
> Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
> Wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
>
> With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
> I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
> Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
> Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right
> Side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and
> Stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I
> Inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
>
> I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
>
> Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
> Half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
> Spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
> Conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK,
> Back to normal.
>
> I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
> Caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
> Revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
> Strip!
>
> There's no hair on it.
>
> Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
>
> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I
> See the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I
> Touch.
>
> I am touching wax.
>
> I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
> Is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
> Mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
>
> I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
>
> SEALED SHUT!!!!
>
> MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!
>
> SEALED SHUT!!!!
>
> I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to
> Do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
> Head may pop off!'
>
> What can I do to melt the wax?
>
> Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I
> Can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and
> The wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
>
> WRONG!!!!!!!******
>
> I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
>
> Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
> Together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
> Bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
>
> Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
>
> So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
> Cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced
> Me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
>
> I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has
> Some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
> Starter......
>
> 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the
> Tub!'
>
> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
> Removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
> know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or
> hoo-ha?'
>
> She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
> rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
>
> YEAH!!!!! Right!!
>
> I should be the joke of someone else's night.
>
> While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
> the wax off with a razor
>
> Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
> water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
>
> By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
> for this event.
>
> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
> grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
>
> What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and.
>
> OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
>
> The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
> dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
>
> 'IT WORKS!! It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend
> and she hangs up.
>
> I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice
> to my grief and despair....
>
> THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
>
> So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
> hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
>
> Next week I'm going to try hair color
