Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[baychef]

Lipstick in School --

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick
they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip
prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls
would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how
difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to
show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

 

[baychef]

I attended a party this past weekend.
After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I
Spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room.

When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied...
"Carmen."


Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded
With "That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the
Things I like most in the world-cars and men." Then she asked,
"What's your name?"

"Golftits," I replied.

 

[chefjenibel]

A man was sick and tired of going to
work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he Prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted
the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then
drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they
were.

You'll just have to wait nine months,
though. You got pregnant last night."

Voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year !

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Enough cats tonight - equal time for mutts!20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows XP or Vista.19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.18. Hard to read the monitor with your head tipped to one side.17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.13. Keep bruising noses trying to eat COOKIES.12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS

 

[AJPratt]

#1 is my favorite!

 

[amy07]

The Pastor's A**
>
>
>
>The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
>pleased with the donkey he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
>
>The local read: PASTORS A** OUT FRONT
>
>The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
>pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
>
>The next day the paper read : BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTORS A**.
>
>This was to much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of
>the donkey, the Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
>
>The local paper hearing of the news , posted the following headline the
>next day :NUN HAS BEST A** IN TOWN.
>
>The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
>of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
>
>The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS A** FOR $10.
>
>This was to much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
>donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
>
>The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER A** IS WILD AND FREE.
>
>The Bishop was buried the next day.
>
>The moral of the story is - being concerned about public opinion can
>bring you much grief and misery - and even shorten your life. So be
>yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's a** and
>you will be a lot happier and live longer.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

#1 is my favorite!

IO fdrere ythje sda,mer weasyu sdpo,merytoi,mreds.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A guy walks into a bar in the middle of the afternoon and orders a beer. It's just him and the bartender, and it's really quiet in the place.

Suddenly he hears little voices.

"Nice shirt!"

"Hey, that's a great haircut."

"I like your shoes."

The guy looks around but doesn't see anyone, and he gives the bartender a quizzical look. "Who's talking?" he asks.

The bartender points to the bowls on the bar. "It's the peanuts," he says. "They're complimentary."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C.

He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.

One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know....This is completely unfair."

"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.

"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.

The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.

"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I've seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart," says the driver.

"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right," replies the surgeon.

The driver replies, "Ok. You're on."

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits in the back of the room.

The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.

"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Cat's DictionaryPurring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Purrpetual motion: A kitten playing.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Here's one of the funniest programs on YouTube ~ How to Wash A Cat.I hope you enjoy this as much as I do!

 

[pamperedalf]

KG that is my cat, how did she get on there?? LOL

 

[pampermeplease]

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity


1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field o f all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat (do it with a serious
face).

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

12. Sing along at the opera

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

14 Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds
all day.

15 Five days in advance , tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name," Rock
Bottom".

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the&n bsp;economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......Send

this to someone to make them smile.

It's called, "Therapy"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The answers to life's burning questionsWhat's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

An elderly couple is sitting on the front porch one summer evening, each one slowly rocking in their own rocking chairs. Suddenly, Grandma stands up and shuffles over in front of Grandpa. She slaps him across the face really hard. Grandpa pause for a moment, then begins to rock again. Grandma shuffles back to her chair and resumes rocking.After about six minutes, Grandpa says, "What was that for?""That was for 50 years of bad sex!" she says.Both go back to rocking.After a long silence, save for the squeaking rockers, Grandpa stands and shuffles over in front of Grandma and belts her right in the chops. After a long pause, she resumes rocking. Grandpa shuffles back to his chair, sits and starts rocking.After about six minutes, Grandma says, "What the heck was that heck was that for?" and keeps rocking.Grandpa stops rocking for a minute and says, "For knowin' the difference!"

 

[mommyhugz1978]

For all of us Mom's or soon to beA Mom?

A Woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerks office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated uncertain how to classify herself. " What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a...?" " Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. " I'm a mom."

" We dont list Mom' as an occupation, "housewife" covers it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviosuly a career woman. poised, efficent and possessed of high sounding title like, " official interrogator" or " Town Registar."

" What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simple popped out. " I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The Clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly empahsizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder was my pronoucment was written, in bold, black in on the offical questionnaire.

" Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, " just what do you do in your field?"

Coolly,without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply," I have a continuing program of research, ( what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field, ( normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits( all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, ( any mothercare to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of satisfaction rather than just moeny." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants-- ages 13,7,and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, ( a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureucracy! And I had gone on the offiicial records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than " just another Mom." Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers " Senior Research assocaties in the field of child development and human relations" and grea grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts " Associate Research Assistants."

 

[baychef]

Irish ViagraAn Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"

"Not to fret," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."

"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"

"That's where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee. He won't even taste it," replied the doctor." Give it a try,and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith,bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid, just terrible, doc!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised me to do and slipped the Viagra into his morning coffee and it took effect immediately. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex wasn't any good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T'was the best sex I've had in twenty-five years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

 

[baychef]

The blonde that went ice fishingA blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyw ard, and asked,

"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

 

[baychef]

Dead man talkingA son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

By popular demand in another thread - Lena and OleOle, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there. I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously.

On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, "What are you laughing about?".

Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!".
-----------------------------------
Ole called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?

"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.

"Vell, said Ole, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
-----------------------------------
Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."

"Vy's dat?" Ole asked.

"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."

Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"
-------------------------------------
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $800 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try ta chip in a few bucks myself."
--------------------------------------
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.

Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farder now if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.

 

[sushimommy]

on the email this morning -

When I say I'm broke, I'm broke!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty," he said, "not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

With that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said "Well, I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke did you not understand?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

If you haven't already seen the newest cartoon from JibJab, entitled What We Call The News, you can follow the link to see it.It's the talk of the Internet, it's been featured on The Tonight Show and, IMHO, its worth the time to see it!

 

[baychef]

(Hope this works, I have never posted a picute in a post)

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the small
accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please
don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage
door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came
to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I
am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

PS...YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED!

 

[baychef]

If you haven't already seen the newest cartoon from JibJab, entitled What We Call The News, you can follow the link to see it.

It's the talk of the Internet, it's been featured on The Tonight Show and, IMHO, its worth the time to see it!

Saw it, loved it as I do most jib/jab clips.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

(Hope this works, I have never posted a picute in a post)

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the small
accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please
don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage
door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came
to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I
am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

PS...YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED!

I'd like to see the photo that goes with THIS story!

(I bumped the photo thread for you.)

 

[baychef]

I'm at work...schools have so many filters (as they should...even us adults can't be trusted!!) I never get the pictures posted on here, but when I get on at home I can see them. Will be home in about an hour so I will post the picture then...it's funny! You will especially groan, KG...nice truck and a nice Mustang are in the picture!

 

[baychef]

Must be the blonde hair ....I do not see a vBulletin code. So I have attached the photo!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

THAT is hysterical!

 

[baychef]

THAT is hysterical!

I should have posted it from home originally, because the picture was part of the e-mail and scrolling down to the last line just made a funny e-mail into a hilarious one!!!

 

[baychef]

There...thanks to KG the joke is complete!!

 

[mommyhugz1978]

That is too funny!!

(Hope this works, I have never posted a picute in a post)

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the small
accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please
don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage
door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came
to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I
am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

PS...YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED!

 

[baychef]

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER BRAND MANAGER PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
"an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."

Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene
division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly
happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore,
you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and
about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping that
was so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus,
I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing
happiness -- is it possible during a menstrual period? Did anything I
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freaky girl, there will never
be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull****. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

 

[pamperedalf]

Oh Ann I love that. I have always hated that line Have A Happy Period!! That is too good!!

 

[ElizabethPurvis]

This is HILARIOUS!This is so funny. I don't have a clue as to who wrote it, but with
swimsuit weather fast approaching it?s priceless.

HAIR REMOVAL
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on . . .
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise, the bathroom. It was one of those
"cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It?s two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip
I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom
for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line,
covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of
my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RRRRIIIPP! Everything is spinning
and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay
conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe.................. OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am
touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon
the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to
the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone
put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of
the box. YEAH!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the
wax off with a razor.
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax,
glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the
sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!!

It works!! I get a hearty "congratulation" from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

 

[baychef]

Dogs vs CatsExcerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them; I once again throw-up on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

I'm still trying to figure out who, in Arkansas, owned a Ferrari and have it in an obviously suburban garage. Hmmmmm...

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

 

[baychef]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?
No," said the little boy...
"It's a puppy!"

 

[smspamperedchef]

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband,

"I just let out a silent fart-what do you think I should do?


" He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

[baychef]

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband,

"I just let out a silent fart-what do you think I should do?


" He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Love it!! That's going out to my e-mail pals!

 

[baychef]

Ever feel like this?

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/ATT43462561.gif

Today Is National Mental Health day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend.
(Well...my job's done!)

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Two little old ladies were sitting in church when the first one leaned over and said to the second one, "I hope this sermon ends soon - my butt is falling asleep!"The second one leaned over and answered, "I know - I heard it snore twice."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Next time you travel to Dallas-Fort Worth, make sure you see the lines of cabs at all the arrival areas.It's The Yellow Rows of Taxis.

 

[pamperedalf]

A man is driving along a highway

and sees a rabbit jump out

across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it,

but unfortunately

the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver,


a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

pulls over and gets out to see

what has become of the rabbit.


Much to his dismay,

the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful

that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman

driving down the highway

sees a man crying on the

side of the road

and pulls over.

she steps out of the car


and asks the man what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," !

he explains,

"I accidentally hit this rabbit

and killed it."

The blonde says,

"Don't worry."

She runs to her car

and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,


bends down,


and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,

waves its paw at the two of them

and hops off down the road.


Ten feet away the rabbit stops,

turns around and waves again,

he hops down the road another 10 feet,

turns and waves, hops another ten feet,


turns and waves,


and repeats this again and again and again,



until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.



He runs over to the woman and demands,



"What is in that can?


What did you spray on that rabbit?"


The woman turns the can around


so that the man can read the label.


It says..



(Are you ready for this?)


(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)


(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)



(You know you could just click off



and not read the punch line....)



(You can still delete it)



(You know you're gonna be sorry)



(Last chance)



(OK, here it is)



It says,



"Hair Spray -



Restores life to dead hair,



and adds permanent wave."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb?Only one, but it takes ten years.How many narcicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?Only one - they hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

When my grandmother turned sixty, she started walking five miles every day. She's 87 now and we have no idea where she is.

 

[baychef]

When my grandmother turned sixty, she started walking five miles every day. She's 87 now and we have no idea where she is.

Oh...this reminds me a poor lady that had Alzheimers that would go for walks. She did so last summer and they could not find her. They searched for weeks. Unfortunately, her remains were found this fall in a wooded swamp area just a few miles from her home. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer (whaw, whaw) SNL skit.

 

[GourmetGirl]

Ann... your post was so opposite of the topic of the thread that it actually made me laugh (but it is so sad about the little old lady...)

 

[pampermeplease]

That just happened to a custodian down here. He dissapeared and they found him 4 days later. His funeral was a few days ago.

 

[baychef]

I loved the joke, but unfortunately, it is a reality. This lady loved to walk, she was thin and was from Germany. They feel the helicopters looking for her took her back to when Germany was invaded so they felt she would hide further. Ok...enough sadness...as soon as I get a good, semi clean joke I promise I will post it to cheer things up!!!