Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing debate about who managed to get the most use out of his computer. This had been going on for days, and God finally had enough of it. So He set up a test: whoever could be the most productive after two hours on the computer would be the winner.

So down they sat at the keyboards and began typing. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent out e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They uploaded. They made cards. They did every known job and several unknowns.

Just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightning flashed, thunder rolled, and the rains came down hard. Of course, the electricity went off.

Satan was furious. When the electricity came back on he screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off! What am I going to do?"

Jesus, however, just sat and smiled. He turned his computer back on. The screen glowed, and when he pushed "Print", all his files were still there, printing out.

"How did you do it?" Satan asked.

He smiled like the Mona Lisa and said quietly, "Jesus saves."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Dumb White ManWARNING! Mild adult humor follows.

Indian Chief, Two Eagles, was interviewd by a white government official. "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done," the official said.

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women raise children, do all work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing. Spend all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

 

[chefann]

I saw this linked from a blog I read: Riding with Rickey: A Memo from the Office of Steven R. Lawlor, CPA, to Indiana Jones

Here's the text, so you don't have to click over.

Warning: some adult language included
===

A Memo from the Office of Steven R. Lawlor, CPA to Indiana Jones

Professor Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr.
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California 94118

Dr. Jones,

We are in receipt of your Form 1040 for this past year, and there are several items on your tax return that the Internal Revenue Service would undoubtedly take issue with. These are items that, as your accountant, I would be greatly remiss in not bringing to your attention. While we appreciate your continued use of our qualified tax preparation team and we understand that your financial situation is far from straightforward, we are compelled to make note of the following issues:

• It is exceedingly difficult for our accounting personnel to review your Form 1040 when it is mailed to us in a leather bound diary and written entirely in Aramaic. We could greatly reduce our administrative overhead if we did not need to staff a team of four cryptologists to decode the various drawings and glyphs on your Form 1040, the vast majority of which have very little bearing on modern tax code. When submitting your tax return next year, please take the time to organize your receipts into useful categories (medical expenses, mortgage interest, business-related expenses, etc.) rather than haphazardly inserting them into your so called “Grail Diary,” and mailing it to us.
  
• In order to qualify as a dependent, an individual must be no older than 24 years of age. You have been claiming one “Short Round” as a dependent for 29 consecutive years which, by our math, places him at a minimum of 29 years old. Mr. Round can no longer be claimed as a dependent and must now file his own tax return. As per our numerous previous requests, please provide us with his social security number so that we may begin drawing up the necessary SS-5 paperwork.
  
• More documentation is required for the Theft Losses (IRS Tax Section 515) which you are seeking to claim. What exactly is this “Chachapoyan Golden Idol of Fertility?” Does this item have an actual appraised monetary value other than what you state as “supernatural powers of incalculable measure?” Did you file an official police report when it was stolen from you by “that bastard Belloq” whom you make repeated reference to? This is information that would need to be substantiated and reported on your Form 4684 (Casualty, Disaster, and Theft Losses) in order for us to proceed further.
  
• While we appreciate the fact that your medical expenses for the past year were minimal, (no small feat for a man of your age), we see no need for you to have written “medical claims not necessary—drank from the goddamned Holy Grail” on your Form 1040.
  
• As per your request, we have attempted to contact your university’s personnel department to request a W-2 form and/or a 1099 form listing your gross income for this year. However, when we contacted your university, they claimed to have terminated you several years ago, citing a laundry list of exceedingly subpar coursework, shoddy tenure papers, and poorly attended emeritus lectures. With no formal wage earning statement, are we to assume that your income is derived solely from the interest earned on the sale of your father’s house?
  
• We have concerns about your attempt to claim a tax deduction for a mine cart as an Alternative Fuel Vehicle. This “rickety mine cart which seats three” and is “capable of leaping across fiery chasms” that you make reference to may indeed be an alternative means of transport due to the fact that it does not require gasoline, but it nonetheless does not fall under the classification of an Energy Efficient vehicle and is therefore ineligible for a tax credit under IRS Tax Topic 508.
  
• The Business-Related Expenses you are seeking to claim also raise several concerns. For example, we question the necessity of you travelling from San Francisco to New York City via a two passenger propeller driven seaplane to present a lecture on the Third Reich to the Anti Defamation League. This mode of travel seems terribly inefficient by modern standards. Furthermore, what was the purpose of commissioning a video editing team to create a montage of your plane flight superimposed with a red line travelling across a map from San Francisco to New York City? Finally, when we contacted the ADL to request supporting documentation for your business trip, they appear to have completely disavowed you due to the fact that your lectures consisted of primarily of standing at a podium brandishing a bullwhip and revolver and stating “Nazis! I hate these guys!”
  
• We are in receipt of all the necessary paperwork for you to receive a deduction for your Charitable Contribution of $5,000 to the San Diego Zoo. No word from them yet concerning their willingness to allocate your donation as you requested to “anywhere but the goddamned reptile house.” Additionally, we are not certain how a donation of $2,000 to a mongoose husbandry program in Burma qualifies as a Charitable Contribution—please provide support documentation or we will be required to strike it from your Form 8283.

Dr. Jones, each one of these individual issues which I have detailed could easily lead to an IRS audit if not properly addressed. Rest assured that the IRS has men working on reviewing your tax returns. Top men. Please respond to the concerns which I have enumerated as quickly as possible, as we are already well past the filing deadline. If possible, we’d like to avoid a repeat of last year’s incident when you phoned an IRS auditor and told him to “prepare to meet Kali in Hell.”

Additionally, please note that as we have repeatedly stated in the past, black market antiquities such as the Holy Stones of Shankara do not constitute appropriate payment for our firm’s accounting services. We gladly accept check or money order.

Steven R. Lawlor, CPA, LLC
3900 Geary Boulevard, 2nd Floor
San Francisco, California 94118

 

[baychef]

Yes, I admit it. You beat me to it. I forgot your post was there. I humbly prostrate myself at your feet, Your Highness.

Please don't put your prostrate at my feet You are the post pimp and I expect you to remember these things!! And your smilie is quite appreciated,
Warmly,
Yer Hind A$$, I mean Highness.:chef:

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Out of the mouths of babes...These anecdotes arrived in my inbox this morning. Enjoy!

1) NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" I answered, "Yes," and continued writing the report. She replied, "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" I answered, "Yes, that's right." "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "Would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" he asked. "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

9) DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

10) SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The store for gardeners in a hurry

 

[baychef]

Love it, KG!!! Thanks for the laugh!:balloon:

 

[baychef]

Groan!!!1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lo bby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[baychef]

20 years of marriageA husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at leas t three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

 

[baychef]

Installing a husband:Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly
in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,
but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought
You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. You must understand that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Time to bring this one back again

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Airline HumorNot much to joke about with airlines, lately, but when American Airlines announced they are going to start charging for checked baggage, it reminded me of this oldie but goody.

A plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was obviously enjoying himself. He swished down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

The flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, Sweet Cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put up your tray, Honey."

(It might be more fun to substitute "Honey" with a word that starts with B and rhymes with "Witch.")

 

[raebates]

The sign KG posted brought to mind my favorite billboard. We were driving through Tennessee, when I saw a billboard for a local tattoo parlor. It included the phrase:Tattoos while you wait!It still makes me giggle. I have visions of some guy with an artificial limb dropping off his prosthetic and saying, "I'll be back at 5."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Neither of these reported events ever took place, and this has been floating around the Internet for a long time, but in light of recent computer problems Cheffers are having, it seemed appropriate to repeat this oldie but moldy.Gates vs. GMFor all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. Recently at computer industry's big show, COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash...twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

 

[baychef]

I missed this when you posted this a few days ago!! Always love this one!! And unfortunatley, it is so darn true

 

[krzymomof4]

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I
have even done it myself a couple times
unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's
important.
So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail
list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are
checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks
you to take your clothes off and dance around with
your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.



I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid!!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

My DH wants to apply for that job!

 

[raebates]

Checking each other for ticks is one of the best parts of camping & hiking with my sweetie.

 

[baychef]

I had that pleasure just the other day :love:

 

[baychef]

ADULT HUMOR...

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror,

Stare at myself and repeat,

' I do not have a headache '

' I do not have a headache '

' I do not have a headache '


Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '

'She's not my wife '

'She's not my wife '

'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Friday!!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

An archeologist opened an Egyptian tomb and released a stale Pharaoh fart, it was a toot uncommon.

 

[baychef]

An archeologist opened an Egyptian tomb and released a stale Pharaoh fart, it was a toot uncommon.

Hmmm reminds me of the phrase, "farting dust".

 

[pamperedlinda]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down
and his fly was wide open. His executive secretary walked up to him and said
"This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his
office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork , he suddenly
noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistants
question about the "garage door". He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused
by the desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked
there?" She smiled and said, "No I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires."

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Video - Crackle

She has all the good jokes, so I'll just post a link to Mrs. Hughes!

 

[raebates]

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.Just when the clock struck 11:00, Willie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

[raebates]

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

 

[krzymomof4]

Words of Wisdom1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
> me, for
> I
> > may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
> leave me
> > alone.
> >
> > 2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or
> a leaky
> > tire.
> >
> > 3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your
> > neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
> >
> > 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
> promoted.
> >
> > 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
> >
> > 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
> >
> > 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
> of car
> > payments.
> >
> > 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
> shoes.
> That
> > way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
> shoes.
>
> >
> > 9. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.
> >
> > 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
> fish,
> and
> > he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
> >
> > 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
> >
> > 12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
> >
> > 13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
> >
> > 14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
> put
> back
> > in your pocket.
> >
> > 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
> >
> > 16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark
> side,
> and
> > it holds the universe together.
> >
> > 17. There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither one
> works.
> >
> > 18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
> moving.
> >
> > 19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
> it.
> >
> > 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
> laxative on
> > the same night.

 

[chefann]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/funny-pictures-dueling-lobsters.jpg

 

[krzymomof4]

Adult Humor"Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having
babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just just . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,"
he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

 

[chefann]

http://icanhascheezburger.wordpress.com/files/2008/06/funny-pictures-cat-fills-pan.jpg

 

[baychef]

Love this one Ann and the seafood gone bad. I have one with a sequence of pictures of a cute kitten and a parakeet. It may be too long to post, but will work on it sometime soon.

 

[DessertDivaFL]

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor.'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

 

[raebates]

Theft Problem: IMPORTANT MESSAGE

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Can you guess the nationality?Tell us the nationality.

Are you sure?

Keep looking...

POLISH!




Huh?

PS - Do us all a favor and don't quote this post in your complaints. Thanks.

 

[raebates]

Disturbing, but very funny.

 

[chefmoseley]

courtesy of a three year old. 'why does it rain mama?' 'so the flowers can grow'


knock knock? who's there? water. water who?



water ally (my dd) so she can grow!

 

[ChefBeckyD]

courtesy of a three year old. 'why does it rain mama?' 'so the flowers can grow'


knock knock? who's there? water. water who?



water ally (my dd) so she can grow!

awwww, now that is cute!

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through and the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.She was getting nervous at the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The ArraignmentMick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death ith a pipe wrench."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You Bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a pipe wrench."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, " You Bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Teddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Teddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that Bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a pipe wrench, he said he didn't have one!"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking."I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it.""Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second."You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

The Good HusbandA husband wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function.

He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

The husband sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. The husband asks, "Son, What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

The husband asks, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, you floozy!, I'm married!!' "

Broken table--$200
Hot breakfast--$5
Red rose bud--$3
Two aspirins--$.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS!

 

[baychef]

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the
basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.



Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible.
Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt"


Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.


Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they
enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about 20 minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her. "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card!"

 

[chefann]

The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He dearly loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife Chita's tamales.With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top.As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon: "Leave them alone, ¡stupido!... They're for the funeral!"

 

[chefann]

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,"Well, that's great......... that's really great ........some asshole has my pen."

 

[The_Kitchen_Guy]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at covered breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,"He mated 50 times last year."They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

 

[baychef]

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest .

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[baychef]

Arrive Alive campaignThe National Roads Safety Council has done Extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.



Results Show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% When the belt is properly installed.
http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w169/baychef_album/arrivealive.gif

 

[chefann]

Further evidence that real life is funnier than anything made up.(And thanks to The Soup on E for compiling all the funny bits.) Good Morning America had a segment on the next great war. Not nuclear. Not in space.Weiner wars.The best part? The name of the expert they brought on. Ready for it?Harry Balzer.