Getting Dh to Be More of a Spiritual Leader

[KellyTheChef]

Hi all!

I started to hijack Debbie's post about selling things...so I am moving my question here!

Anyone else have the problem or suggestions for me? DH was all ready to spend time in prayer, in bible study with me, etc when we first got married. (He became a Christian shortly before our wedding. We had actually broken up, since I knew that I should not "unequally yoke" myself with a non-believer.) We have even had discussions since then where he thanked me for walking away...otherwise he really doesn't know if/when he would have ever turned to God.

Fast forward 7 years...he has started cursing (occassional at first...I know it's cuz he is trying to talk like that at work, but now it's crossing over into his family time too)...doesn't want to do ANYTHING extra when it comes to church. Sunday morning is IT! (I am thankful that he does that with our family!) and has really started to question the main beliefs of being a Christian. Really, from where I stand, it looks like he wants to be "in the world" while still going to church and being a "good person." Which he knows is NOT the way to do things. He is still trying to do it anyway.

I have prayed and prayed about this. For a long time, I didn't even say a word about his cussing. Now, I have been pointing it out every once in a while. I don't want to nag...but I don't want him to think I feel it's alright, either.

Our church is very small, and I have been contemplating attending Wednesday night services somewhere else. (Both to see if he will go to a couples bible study, and to get our DS (13) involved in a church with a nice youth group.) Satan is really working hard to pull DH away from our core beliefs and it scares me to death!

I guess I am just looking to vent, to see if I am not the only one dealing with this (although I know of one other person on here who has dealt with this ) and to see if you all may have other suggestions for me!

Thanks for letting me go on and on....
This board is a great source of encouragement to me!

 

[chefmeg]

Living in a secular world is difficult when you are a Christian~my small group just finised reading "Life of the Beloved" written by Henri Nouwan. It is written by a man, to a man and is a short read. I think you could suggest it for him and see what discussion it brings. He obviously feels the pull of Satan and the pull of what he knows is right...no telling what could be the catalyst that allows him to open up to you or a mentor of some sort. Does he have any close Christian men friends? Do you feel comfortable bringing this topic up with him in a nonconfrontational kind of way?

I know that in my situation, I am Catholic and my husband was raised Baptist. He goes to church with us most Sundays, but not all. He is one of those people that really never talks about his faith or beliefs, although he lives them daily so he doesn't have to talk much! He has told me that he can never see himself being Catholic, which is a hard pill for me to swallow, but I have to respect his choice. I pray daily that he can be with God however he chooses as only God know what DH needs! I have learned that we cannot put our agenda on the good Lord-when we do, we are setting ourselves up for disappoinment as only He knows what we need and when we need it!

Keep praying and keep me posted on any progress!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Kelly, I PM'd you...

 

[urbnk8]

I definitely feel your pain. Over the years that we have been together, we have struggled to figure out what to do because he grew up Catholic (although he hadn't been "practicing" for a very long time) and I grew up primarily in a Baptist church. We didn't do anything for years, putting it off and putting it off. Even after we had kids. Well, the last year or so, I have been taking the kids to a church that we both agreed on, but he has yet to come once. I just don't know what to do about it. I think he believes in God but he does question it sometimes. He just can't seem to realize he needs something else in his life. He also constantly talks horribly (swearing, etc.), even in front of the kids. It's heartbreaking to me but if I say anything, it just escalates.

If you haven't already, I would suggest reading a book called The Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian. A friend gave it to me a while back and I couldn't believe how great it was. Unfortunately, I haven't looked at it for a long time myself...I know I need to start reading it again. It helped me through a lot of my own personal struggles too.

Sorry to ramble, but you are definitely not alone. I feel like I will NEVER get him to change in that way and it makes me sad. I wish I knew what to do about it.

But, it's good that he at least comes to church with you!

 

[jzramom]

The role of a Godly Christian wife is no easy task, especially in our own strength. I am ashamed many times I silently resent my husbands involvement in serving when I feel it is too much. What brings me to the point of taking every thought (and emotion) captive is the examples of women I find in scripture. When ever I even just think about the woman described in Prov 31 I am exhausted and overwhelmed. Then I think about Sarah who was going to “help out” God by bringing in Hagar. That didn't go so well.

I am sure you are familiar with 1 Peter 3, which is good direction for all Christian married women. We are not our husbands Holy Spirit. I think by nature we like to make things better, but as wives that is not our role with regard to our husbands. It also is grievous to see sin - to feel and watch the effects of sin on those we love so dearly. When we try to intervene where only God can frustration is the outcome. It is not our responsibility to change our husbands - that is a God thing. We share our heart with our husband and then step back. Oh, if I could do this better!!!

We don’t have many things that make it challenging to be a Christian today in American, not that the Christian life is ever easy! This is an area that you can take to God in prayer and then sit back patiently:yuck: and wait and watch, and try not to get in the way. My struggles have been boiling down to do I really really trust God? Do I believe He is in control? Will I trust and lean on Him alone? Then I am encouraged that God uses the weak to confound the wise – I make God’s grace look real good!
Hope my post is not too long!

 

[KellyTheChef]

I definitely feel your pain. Over the years that we have been together, we have struggled to figure out what to do because he grew up Catholic (although he hadn't been "practicing" for a very long time) and I grew up primarily in a Baptist church. We didn't do anything for years, putting it off and putting it off. Even after we had kids. Well, the last year or so, I have been taking the kids to a church that we both agreed on, but he has yet to come once. I just don't know what to do about it. I think he believes in God but he does question it sometimes. He just can't seem to realize he needs something else in his life. He also constantly talks horribly (swearing, etc.), even in front of the kids. It's heartbreaking to me but if I say anything, it just escalates.

If you haven't already, I would suggest reading a book called The Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian. A friend gave it to me a while back and I couldn't believe how great it was. Unfortunately, I haven't looked at it for a long time myself...I know I need to start reading it again. It helped me through a lot of my own personal struggles too.

Sorry to ramble, but you are definitely not alone. I feel like I will NEVER get him to change in that way and it makes me sad. I wish I knew what to do about it.
But, it's good that he at least comes to church with you!

I get that feeling a lot. I keep reminding myself that DH will have to answer for his actions as our family's leader. Not in a smart alleck "not my problem!" kind of way, but as a reminder to my heart that it's not my job to change him. I guess I just need help finding that balance of making sure that I let him know my feelings...without nagging and making him feel like he needs to dig his heels in further and make things worse. Sorry you are going through some of the same feelings I am...we need to lean on God to guide us through this time. :angel:

The role of a Godly Christian wife is no easy task, especially in our own strength. I am ashamed many times I silently resent my husbands involvement in serving when I feel it is too much. What brings me to the point of taking every thought (and emotion) captive is the examples of women I find in scripture. When ever I even just think about the woman described in Prov 31 I am exhausted and overwhelmed. Then I think about Sarah who was going to “help out” God by bringing in Hagar. That didn't go so well.

I am sure you are familiar with 1 Peter 3, which is good direction for all Christian married women. We are not our husbands Holy Spirit. I think by nature we like to make things better, but as wives that is not our role with regard to our husbands. It also is grievous to see sin - to feel and watch the effects of sin on those we love so dearly. When we try to intervene where only God can frustration is the outcome. It is not our responsibility to change our husbands - that is a God thing. We share our heart with our husband and then step back. Oh, if I could do this better!!! I am right with you there!

We don’t have many things that make it challenging to be a Christian today in American, not that the Christian life is ever easy! This is an area that you can take to God in prayer and then sit back patiently:yuck: and wait and watch, and try not to get in the way. My struggles have been boiling down to do I really really trust God? Do I believe He is in control? Will I trust and lean on Him alone? Then I am encouraged that God uses the weak to confound the wise – I make God’s grace look real good!
Hope my post is not too long!

Your post isn't too long! I think the trusting God thing is what I am going through too. Seems sometimes we forget that He is in control...and that he has way more "pull" on my DH than I do!!

Thank you all for your support and encouragement! You have no idea what that means to me...

 

[quiverfull7]

Kelly... keep praying and I echo the recommendation of Stormie's Book The Power of a Praying Wife as well as the other advise already given. Look to the Lord for what He wants from you... and let the Holy Spirit convict your DH. NEVER stop praying for him... just stop trying to remake him if you feel you may be doing that. All that being said... I know how hard it must be to feel the oppresion of the evil one toward your family and home... pray against that as well! Wake up and read Eph. 6 every AM and put that armor on! The days I do that... are MUCH more Jesus focused than the days I don't!

 

[jzramom]

Kelly... keep praying and I echo the recommendation of Stormie's Book The Power of a Praying Wife as well as the other advise already given. Look to the Lord for what He wants from you... and let the Holy Spirit convict your DH. NEVER stop praying for him... just stop trying to remake him if you feel you may be doing that. All that being said... I know how hard it must be to feel the oppresion of the evil one toward your family and home... pray against that as well! Wake up and read Eph. 6 every AM and put that armor on! The days I do that... are MUCH more Jesus focused than the days I don't![/QUOTE]

You preach the truth sister!!! We need eachother to reminder us to put on that armor - and all of it. Otherwise we walk all crooked and get ourselves into all kinds of mess! Yea that God loves us the same even when we are messing up and all His wrath was spent on Jesus and there isn't even a bit left for me! I still can't get over the craziness of that.

 

[PamperedChefDebi]

Oh Kelly, you know I'm reading these responses closely too. Seems to just keep getting worse. Love you!!!

 

[janetupnorth]

Oh Kelly, you know I'm reading these responses closely too. Seems to just keep getting worse. Love you!!!

Debi - please tell me you are still doing o.k...feel free to PM me if you want.

 

[PamperedChefDebi]

Debi - please tell me you are still doing o.k...feel free to PM me if you want.

Thanks. I'll PM you later tonight Janet. I think my husband and Kelly's are twins separated at birth. Or clones! LOL!

 

[jrstephens]

I can empathize too in certain ways. Russell goes to church on Sunday morning and to Sunday School. He does not go at night or on Wednesday. He does go eat with us on Wednesday but me and Luke to to AWANA after we eat and he is not going to go to prayer meeting alone. He used to always to go to church with us at night but has not gone in ages it seems, unless we are having something special at night and he will go.

I would love to change some of the words he uses around the house too. His comes from the influence of his father and brothers b/c they use horrible words (thank good he does not use the horrible ones I have heard them use). His dad does not use them in front of Luke and we had that understanding from the beginning. Russell does not use them in front of Luke either. My thing is, if you can guard yourself in some situations, why not all the time?

I just continue to pray that God will show him the way. I do point out at times the things that I am not happy with. I do not fill like it is healthly for us as wives to keep our feelings bottled up - I do not think that makes for a heathly marriage. And I feel just as it is our responsibility as Christians to point out un-Christian behavior to other believers in a non hurtfule way, that our responsibilities as wive are no different, especially when it can effect the eternal future of our children.

 

[raebates]

Just remember that there's nothing you can do to change him. You can only be the best example of a loving, supportive wife you can be.That said, most of us respond much better to encouragement than to criticism. Just like with your kids, praise him when he exhibits the behavior you want to encourage. Resist the urge to try to wheedle or cajole when he doesn't. You may be amazed how well this works.

 

[jzramom]

Love this!

“Terror accomplishes no real obedience.

Suspense brings forth no fruit unto holiness.

No gloomy uncertainty as to God’s favor

can subdue one lust,

or correct our crookedness of will.

But the free pardon of the cross uproots sin,

and withers all its branches.

Only the certainty of love,

forgiving love,

can do this.”



Horatius Bonar (from “God’s Way of Holiness”)​

 

[janetupnorth]

Here is an article that echoes a few things Rae said!

FamilyLife: Articles - How can I motivate my husband to get right with God and become the

 

[chefmeg]

Janet, thank you so much for that article~it is inspiring!

 

[KittyCooks]

I'll second what ChefMeg said...thanks, Janet!

 

[bsaxman]

I consider myself a non-denominational Christian, but others have labeled me as a bapti-costal p And I read a book a while ago called The Vision by Rick Joyner. Your post really made me remember this book because it is about spiritual warfare -- and one of the things mentioned in the vision was that the spiritual war is being fought mostly by the women and children, and it really did hit home!

I believe my husband is saved but I'm not sure if he's actually driven to the point of really living it out-- most of his friends also say they are christians too but they look and act just the same as everyone else. Its hard not to get discouraged, and distracted from your walk with God, just try to stay focused and keep praying!!!!!!

Check out that book, it's a good read!

 

[raebates]

What a wonderful article, Janet. Thanks for sharing the link.

 

[KellyTheChef]

Janet~

Thank you for that link, I will be saving it...it's a reminder that I need every once in a while!

 

[janetupnorth]

You're welcome to all...I am with you all in needing the reminder! I am a mom working full-time and bringing in the majority of the income, but have to balance the fact that in between my independence and being "in control" of most of the family and finances, I am still doing that under the authority of my husband and most importantly God. You can be strong and independent and yet serving to others and your spouse, the events aren't mutually exclusive. Confusing to some, but definitely not exclusive.