Dealing with Toxic Relationships: My Story of Heartache and Healing

[Kathytnt]

Today was my one year anniversary - I dropped in to see my DAD beacuse he is cause he is having surgery tomorrow. Talked to him for 2 minutes then his wife walked in. Asked if we had gotten the anniversary card they had sent. I said yes and thank you. Then she laid into me about how for 20 years they had never received an anniversary card or call on their anniversary from any of us. Myself or siblings. Maybe I am not familiar with the custom or the other zillion transgression I seem to have done to this woman. (Apparently according to her you are supposed to eat an eggroll with a knife and fork - I never knew)
I became visible upset - Usually I just bite my toungue and take it but not this time. My husband stood up for me and politely told her he coulding understand why she was always laying this guilt trip on us. Last week she was wondering why we never visit etc. Well if you got treated like this and were upset for two days why would you want to visit. We were out of their house in less than 5 minutes.
I don't know what is wrong with this woman. We (siblings and I) can never seem to do anything right in her eyes. I love my Dad but this woman is so mean.
It ruined my day and even my husband is so upset and he is not usually the type that gets upset easily.
I did tell my Dad I loved him before I left but I am so scared about the surgery tomorrow. I was going to go to the hospital originally but I just can't be around this woman.
I have stopped cyring and am gong to go celebrate with our top layer of our wedding cake but this has really hurt us today..

Thanks for listening/reading today!

Kathy

 

[tlennhoff]

*snugs* I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I don't understand people like this. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and may his surgery go well and he have a speedy recovery.

 

[mom2leelee]

I hope you and DH are able to salvage what's left of the day and enjoy it! I will be praying that your fathers surgery goes smoothly!

 

[apriljc]

Hugs to you! Happy Anniversary to you and try to think about happy things. I hust don't understand how people can be so mean. Does she not see that her remarks hurt you and the people around you? I will keep your dad in my prayers and hope that his surgery goes well and recovery is good too.

 

[Kathytnt]

THanks - My mom passed away in June and last time I saw her she asked me if I miised my mom?? What kind of question is that

Thanks gang!!

 

[dannyzmom]

I am sorry your stepmother is like that (are you sure our Dads didn't marry the same woman?? Yours sounds SO much like mine!) Try to make the best of what's left of your special day...and DON'T let her keep you away from the hospital for his surgery - he is YOUR father before his is her husband. Just bring a book and politely tell her you are too consumed with worry for your Dad to get into conversation with her so if she would please just respect your privacy you would like to sit in peace until he is out of recovery and you can talk to him.

 

[Kathytnt]

I don't even know when the surgery is - I was going to get the details but I never got the chance

I love my Dad but none of the kids like this lady - I think she let's her perceived transgressions by us fester and then blows up at us and we don't even know what we did wrong.

The only person I expect an anniversary card from is my husband

 

[CAmomCookin4U]

hugs & Prayers your way!

I don't even know when the surgery is - I was going to get the details but I never got the chance

I love my Dad but none of the kids like this lady - I think she let's her perceived transgressions by us fester and then blows up at us and we don't even know what we did wrong.

The only person I expect an anniversary card from is my husband

Usually as an immediate family member you can call the Hospital where your dad is and they will tell you the Surgery time. Say a prayer for your dad that he is calm for his surgery and I'll say one for both of you. Blessings and stay Positive. Your StepMonster (that's what mine was) is not worthy of your anguish. So be Positive and as stated before he's YOUR DAD. Good Luck tomorrow. Laurel

 

[Kathytnt]

Are you sure they will allow this with the HIPPA laws now??

 

[ange13]

ok--I agree with all that's been said and hope things all go well, but--

who eats egg rolls with a knife and fork? they are a hand held appetizer!!! if you cut them up they fall apart. she sounds like a real piece of work! sorry you have to deal with that!

i like Carolyns response! that puts her in her place-nicely.

good luck today--and you're right about the hippa laws, unless he has given the hospital specific people that they can give info out on they can't release any info.

 

[Jennie4PC]

with the new HIPPA laws they cant give you much info but I am sure they can tell you what time the surgery is so that you can be there the only way they wont ell you anything is if the person requests it good luck with everything

 

[bbauman07]

You have to sign a paper when you are admitted, as to whether or not you would like your info shared. It can't hurt to try. I hope your Dad's surgery goes well today. Think about going anyways and just do your best to ignore her. Have you ever tried to tell her that you all feel that way? Though it may just start WW3 from the sounds of her.

 

[Kathytnt]

This all just breaks my heart because I know that all of this really hurts my Dad. She seems to have the expectations of us that she has not even communicated. I guess the Anniversary card is some kind of sign to her that we approve of the marriage but who expects to receive and anniversary card much less from you husband'gs children from previous marriage.
I have talked to my sister and sister-in-law. None of want to have anythign to do with her but we love our Dad.
Thanks for letting me share. I hope Dad is o.k. but he is getting surgery at a big hospital and I don't even know his doctor's name. Hubby and I are both going to contact my father by letter post-surgery and I am also going to send a letter to her. I am not going to ask my father to make any choices. His wife comes first but I am going to offer to have a mature dit down conversation to resolve this once and for all for my father's sake. If she chooses all the hate an animosity toward us we will just have no dealing with her in the future. We will make the offer that Dad can contact us when he wants to but explain that we shoose not to be treated poorly by his spouse anymore. I realize that my Dad is in a tough situation. He loves her and she loves him she just hates us.

Kat
staion t

 

[CAmomCookin4U]

Letter

This all just breaks my heart because I know that all of this really hurts my Dad. She seems to have the expectations of us that she has not even communicated. I guess the Anniversary card is some kind of sign to her that we approve of the marriage but who expects to receive and anniversary card much less from you husband'gs children from previous marriage.
I have talked to my sister and sister-in-law. None of want to have anythign to do with her but we love our Dad.
Thanks for letting me share. I hope Dad is o.k. but he is getting surgery at a big hospital and I don't even know his doctor's name. Hubby and I are both going to contact my father by letter post-surgery and I am also going to send a letter to her. I am not going to ask my father to make any choices. His wife comes first but I am going to offer to have a mature dit down conversation to resolve this once and for all for my father's sake. If she chooses all the hate an animosity toward us we will just have no dealing with her in the future. We will make the offer that Dad can contact us when he wants to but explain that we shoose not to be treated poorly by his spouse anymore. I realize that my Dad is in a tough situation. He loves her and she loves him she just hates us.

Kat
staion t

Remember your dad is your dad. So don't cut him off because of her. You can always schedule a dad and me day. Or have a brunch date with him, you and your hubby. He'll probably enjoy the thought of daddy and me time. Hope all went weell today. Laurel

 

[Kathytnt]

That is my plan - She seems to chill out after a big vent like last Christmas - She got upset about a baked ham. Good news - She called last night to report he is doing well

 

[sillylittlechef]

My father in laws girlfriend is so much like your stepmother! She always makes snide remarks about how I parent my children. She gets upset because I haven't let me almost 1 year old stay over at their house. They live over 2 hours away so if something went wrong I couldn't even go get him right away. I complain to my husband and he just says that is her personality and that it has nothing to do with me personally so just accept it and don't let it get to me. It's hard, but some people just don't realize that what they say and how they say it make you feel bad. I have begun standing up for myself by telling her that they are my children and I will parent them how I choose. I actually told her that if she has so many brilliant ideas on raising children then maybe she should have another!
Maybe talking to her might help if she is open to it, but I have found with my problem that talking to her only made it worse because she did not see a problem. Good luck! and I am happy that your father is doing well.

 

[DebbieSAChef]

InsecureI am sure she is just insecure. That's usually why people are so mean and nasty. They aren't secure with themselves. It's hard to fill someone's shoes when you are wife #2. She may feel inadequate to fill your mother's shoes, especially in loving and supporting you all. You all aren't small children anymore, you are grown adults with husbands and wives of your own. She loves your dad, and that's a good thing. She could be mean and nasty to you and him. But thankfully it's not that way.
You mentioned sitting down and discussing the situation. I think that's a great idea. I am glad she called to relay the good news. She probably wants to get along with you, and wants you to love her. But maybe she has some really bad communicating skills. Give her the benefit of the doubt, she will be in your life and your dad's for a long time.

Debbie

 

[tlennhoff]

Good news - She called last night to report he is doing well

That is great news about your dad. May he have a speady and complete recovery and your relationship with him and the step grow closer.

 

[apriljc]

Glad to hear that your Dad is is doing well. Does your Dad know how you all fell about her? Maybe tell her that by her treading you all like crap it makes your Dad's feelings hurt for you all and it makes him unhappy. Or maybe tell her you will keep the peace for your Dad's sake, but you don't like to be treated like crap and unless she learns to be a grown adult you will only keep in contact with your Dad. I had gal from work who's stepmom treated her step children like really bad and they only talked to their Dad and only talked to her if they really had to. Well this gal's Dad passed away about a year ago and now they have nothing to do with her. I think now the stepmom feels bad because she had no children of her own and now she has absolutly noone. If you need to vent about her we are all here for you.