Can't Hold Out Any Longer....steam Is Building (Long)

[chefann]

And Kacey, if you watched Top Chef, I could update you on those standings.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

That's where I'd draw the line. You're already inconveniencing yourself (and DH) opening your home to them. They should not expect you to give up your little pleasures for them. Now, it's not your niece's fault that she's stuck in this situation, so leave one or two of her favorite programs on the record listing.

And please don't think that the other things you've posted don't make me angry on your behalf, it's just that TiVo and the TV are so clearly not required to live and absolutely SHOULD be part of the plan to get your sister on her feet again. Maybe you can "lose" the remote. Or institute a no-TV day, on which everyone gathers and you play games and tell stories. Maybe the TiVo can "malfunction" and lose the programming to record sis's programs.

Thanks for the anger on my behalf- it's like I get to live vicariously through you guys!

I've tried deleting her programs and she figured out how to use the remote so she knows how to get a seasons pass to her shows.

I don't mind my niece having her 6 shows on there- but there are at least 8 for my sister (I have had my fill of Little House on the Prairie!) and I used to have about 10 of my own shows- but they interefere with my niece's shows and some of the shows that I record are not ones that she needs to hear, so I think I'll ask DH the best way for the TV's to not work unless I want them to!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

And Kacey, if you watched Top Chef, I could update you on those standings.

I used to watch it- but I couldn't believe how arrogant and foul mouthed those chefs were. That's quite the stressful little show and I have enough stress in my life! LOL

I'll more than likely watch it again once they move out!

 

[chefann]

This season's contestants on Top Chef aren't as arrogant as previous seasons. If you can believe that.I still think you need to "lose" the remote to the TiVo AND the TV.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Wow Kacey, I'm just getting caught up here. I don't know what else to say that others haven't already said. I agree, your sister is selfish, lazy and probably depressed. Does your church have any sort of counseling program? (mostly for her, but you sound like you might need a little too in helping you deal with her)

 

[janetupnorth]

Hey Kacey - can't you lock it out? With a password? Most cable and satellite systems allow that?

 

[KellyTheChef]

Kacey....Geesh! It continues to surprise me when people are being helped and they just suck it all in and don't even attempt to give back. I pray that you and DH are given the words and the strength to deal with her.

BTW- I agree about the TV thing. It's pretty bold of your sister to feel entitled to the entire DVR in someone ELSES HOME! Huh? I understand if you don't want to watch specific shows while your neice is around...but it's your cable, and you should be able to record what YOU want and watch it when the little one is asleep. I pray that your sis sees (eventually...but hopefully soon) just how much you and your DH have bent over backwards to help her and your neice. I pray that your mom "gets it" soon too!

{{{HUGS}}} girl!

Love ya!
Kelly

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Wow Kacey, I'm just getting caught up here. I don't know what else to say that others haven't already said. I agree, your sister is selfish, lazy and probably depressed. Does your church have any sort of counseling program? (mostly for her, but you sound like you might need a little too in helping you deal with her)

I get my therapy from you guys! And she's been given info on a great local support group that doesn't allow you to wallow in your situation, but get support you need and move on...she won't go!
I hate to be so upset by my sister and I hate even worse thinking that she's selfish, lazy and clueless. But what I refuse to do it be enabling and that's what I'm worried I'm doing...

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Hey Kacey - can't you lock it out? With a password? Most cable and satellite systems allow that?

I have no idea- I would really hate for it to come to that. There is already tension in the house. DH went down to talk to her when she retreated to her room again and left my niece in our care without asking first...he told her that something just wasn't right with her and he felt she was depressed and she said she was fine and went back to sleep.

John and I prayed together tonight and we'll have an answer on what our next step is supposed to be and how we are to implement it. I just need my posse here on CS to bounce things off of and get some love!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Kacey....Geesh! It continues to surprise me when people are being helped and they just suck it all in and don't even attempt to give back. I pray that you and DH are given the words and the strength to deal with her.

BTW- I agree about the TV thing. It's pretty bold of your sister to feel entitled to the entire DVR in someone ELSES HOME! Huh? I understand if you don't want to watch specific shows while your neice is around...but it's your cable, and you should be able to record what YOU want and watch it when the little one is asleep. I pray that your sis sees (eventually...but hopefully soon) just how much you and your DH have bent over backwards to help her and your neice. I pray that your mom "gets it" soon too!

{{{HUGS}}} girl!

Love ya!
Kelly

Yeah, DH and I will discuss the TiVo thing. I don't mind some of the shows being recorded because they are on when I'm asleep or should be sleeping...but there are just too many shows between the two of them. I think it's going to have to be pick 4 of my nieces favorites, and 3 of yours and the rest is for me!

 

[ljeffries]

Sounds like you need to start doing some bud nipping! It is one thing for you to help her - an entirely different thing for her to take advantage of you - almost as if you 'owe' her this.

IMHO - your niece should be your concern, not Driving Miss Lazy. Is your sister suited to parent her should she move out? I don't mean that to be hurtful, just an observation from what you have said in your posts.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Sounds like you need to start doing some bud nipping! It is one thing for you to help her - an entirely different thing for her to take advantage of you - almost as if you 'owe' her this.

IMHO - your niece should be your concern, not Driving Miss Lazy. Is your sister suited to parent her should she move out? I don't mean that to be hurtful, just an observation from what you have said in your posts.

At this point I have some doubts about her ability to properly parent my niece because she has absolutely no will to fight or accomplish anything. She is perfectly happy to just sit and let people "owe" her!

I'm seriously at a loss for where to start with her. DH and I already spoke to my folks about 2 months ago and they understood where we were coming from, but have since stopped talking to us.

I'm not about to tear my family apart and try to take care of my niece until my sister pulls her head out of her butt, but I'm starting to wonder if that is what is going to happen.

She is taking her frustration out on my niece and out on us- and she is in a funk and I think she either just doesn't care or doesn't see how serious this entire situation is, or she just doesn't get it...and how could someone related to someone as brilliant as I just not get it?

My niece is my concern, but sadly she's a package deal with my sister...and I don't want my niece going back to her sexually abusive father so I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. Even on my sister's worst day (and all parents have them) she's still a better option than her husband

 

[katie0128]

Are you at the point with your sister and her lack of parenting ability (especially when she finally loses her free-ride at your house) that you are willing to call in social services? If sis doesn't have a definite place to go after she leaves your place, you might want to find out what the procedures are and if you even have the option of taking temporary custody of your niece. After sis moves out, do you think there is any possibility she will go back with her DH?

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Are you at the point with your sister and her lack of parenting ability (especially when she finally loses her free-ride at your house) that you are willing to call in social services? If sis doesn't have a definite place to go after she leaves your place, you might want to find out what the procedures are and if you even have the option of taking temporary custody of your niece. After sis moves out, do you think there is any possibility she will go back with her DH?

She is trying to get DH to go to a 30 month rehibilitation course to get help for what he did so that they can get back together. So far his lawyer says he isn't interested and will be fighting for my niece.

He still won't admit he did anything but did fail a polygraph- and failed it bad enough that the State of South Dakota believes there is merrit to my sisters claims of what my niece told her (and us) No, I'm not comfortable calling social services. She has a place to go- it is rent controlled and they take 30% of your paycheck for rent after childcare and taxes are taken out for your rent. She can't move in until she has a job.

She is vision impaired in one eye and doesn't drive well in bad weather and although she could get a job in the next nearest city to where this place is- it is still about 30 minutes away and she won't drive on winding roads in the winter... So she'd take like 1 hour to drive 30 miles. So there are excuses all over the board. I believe she is in a funk and never got out of it. She went numb after my niece told her what happened and she's not once gotten passionate about fighting for my niece or going after her DH- she won't even file for child support to help her unemployed sister and BIL (me and DH) to help support them, but she has no problem living off us! It makes me ill!

I think social services is the last of my worries at this point. But I will be telling her lawyer that he may want to find out what questions the other side will be asking because my answers might not help my sister at all, they might hurt her.

I would never have put her and her husband through this if the roles were reversed! I would have found a place to live and a job within 8 weeks MAX! Heck, I've only been seriously looking for work for the past month and I know I'll have a job soon. The types of jobs I can normally land in a week I'm unable to do anymore- so it's taking a bit longer this time around...but I'm looking harder for a job then my sister is.

It's like she has emotionally shut down and the only emotions she has left are cranky, bit*hy, defensive, crabby, short, and then add onto that she's tired, lazy, and has no patience for the child and no drive. She is literally waiting for her husband to confess so she can get back on with her life. So instead of just moving forward until (and that's a big until) that happens she just sits and waits for her miracles. I know she's very angry with my niece because she's stopped talking and hasn't said much of anything to the therapist...

After my DH spoke to his older sister today it seems that we are all in agreement that she needs to either find a job here and someone to watch my niece during the day, or get a night job stocking shelves at the local Target or grocery store (that way my niece will be sleeping and we'll listen out for her)- or she will need to pack her bags and go to my mother's.

If she isn't going to fight for my niece and for herself then I'm not going to fight to make sure we have enough money to keep them high on the hog. Once they leave, DH can relax and actually look for a job that he might enjoy instead of just looking for a job so we don't lose the house ...the money runs out in 45 days- period! And it may run out sooner if they cancel my unemployment.

I'm pretty sad, too that when my family learned that DH lost his job that no one bothered to come to our aid to help my sister. She isn't our responsibility, but because we opened our house to her, we're getting to foot the bill. My aunt gave us $200.00 one month and that helped with about 1.5 weeks of groceries and paper products. It's like no one cares that my husband has gone through $6000.00 from his 401K (and gotten penalized for early withdrawl) to help subsidise the extra costs that these two have incurred. I'm beyong upset. I've clothed both of them, set up two rooms in our house, kicked DH out of his den, fed them, bought toys, dolls, shoes, more kleenex than a funeral home, and more TP that a public restroom at the airport uses...let them stay rent free, food is free, tv, washer and dryer, showers, baths....

And no one in the family seems to worry about me and DH's unemployment situation...

 

[susanr613]

All I can say is:

- I feel sorry for your niece having your sister as a mom
- Your DH is an angel
- I pray that you find the strength on 8/1/08 to do what you said you will do
- Let your mom take over, no matter what the motives

 

[Kitchen2u]

Oh Kacey ~

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

What a mess...all because you and your DH are KIND soles!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Oh Kacey ~

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

What a mess...all because you and your DH are KIND soles![/SIZE]

Ive been called a lot of things, but never the bottom of a shoe! LOL

Thanks for the kind words, they are appreciated!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

All I can say is:

- I feel sorry for your niece having your sister as a mom
- Your DH is an angel
- I pray that you find the strength on 8/1/08 to do what you said you will do
- Let your mom take over, no matter what the motives

We'll be telling her tomorrow that she has two weeks to find other living arrangements. Sad that it had to happen, but she forced the hand...

And as I sit here and know that it's the right thing to do, I'm so disapointed that it turned out this way- she was given a second chance at fixing things and starting over and she blew it! She had it all here, MORE than she ever had at home and unlimited help from us! It only recently became limited help once DH lost his job.

So as I try and figure out another way that this can work- there isn't one. Her actions show no sign of her wanting to get a job or really try to provide for her and "Maggie". Once we became unemployed I figured she'd step up to the plate- I even told her she needed to. So she drove 60 minutes away to that little town 3 times to apply for every job at every shop and store she could and NO one was hiring. One bar/restaurant was hiring, but she doesn't want to work where alcohol is served. (several reasons, one being she's been sober for just about 5 years now)...

But my husband has been amazed at just how little she's done since he's been home all day with us, and the fact is no matter how hard we push, she just won't do anything to save herself, so we aren't going to.

It boiled down to this. We are creating an atmosphere that is safe for her to just sit there and be lazy. In order for us to make it uncomfortable and force her to get off her butt and do something, we would have to sacrifice things we've worked hard for like our computers, our satalite TV and TiVo- and many other things. We have sacrificed enough and now we are enabling this behavior if we allow her to stay here any longer.

It breaks my heart because my niece adores me and has even started calling me mommy over the past couple of weeks. I keep telling her I'm Aunt Krissy- but she says I want to call you Mommy. And it's always when my sister has retreated to her bedroom and has left "Maggie" alone to fend for and entertain herself. It happened again today.

I'll be going over to my grandparent's house tomorrow to tell them about the decision DH made regarding my sister and her limited time left here so that they know the truth- we've already discussed similar things to my folks so time will tell if they are actually in agreement with us like they said they were back 8 weeks ago.

I will cry when my niece leaves. She has been the closest thing to my own child that I've ever had and I adore her beyond belief. The only reason I don't do more with her is I don't want to make my sister look like any worse of a mother than I already do, and I don't want to put her in even a bigger depression by showing her just exactly how you are supposed to spend the day with your child when you are a SAHM...

I'm going to bed to have a good cry. Pray for DH tomorrow as he'll be the one talking to my sister and telling her she is no longer welcome here, but my niece is- because I'm sure it will be akward around here until she packs up and goes where ever.

I'm just sad that she chose the road she chose- I'm worrying more about my niece and this entire situation than my own sister is! She's not losing any sleep-

UGH

 

[raebates]

Kacey, the right thing isn't always the easy thing. You will all be in my prayers. I know things will get even rockier over the next couple of weeks. You have us to vent to. You also have the comfort of the Holy Spirit. I certainly hope you have someone at your church to talk to--a friend or counselor. Someone outside the situation that you can talk to face-to-face can really help.

 

[BethCooks4U]

We'll be telling her tomorrow that she has two weeks to find other living arrangements. Sad that it had to happen, but she forced the hand...

And as I sit here and know that it's the right thing to do, I'm so disapointed that it turned out this way- she was given a second chance at fixing things and starting over and she blew it! She had it all here, MORE than she ever had at home and unlimited help from us! It only recently became limited help once DH lost his job.

So as I try and figure out another way that this can work- there isn't one. Her actions show no sign of her wanting to get a job or really try to provide for her and "Maggie". Once we became unemployed I figured she'd step up to the plate- I even told her she needed to. So she drove 60 minutes away to that little town 3 times to apply for every job at every shop and store she could and NO one was hiring. One bar/restaurant was hiring, but she doesn't want to work where alcohol is served. (several reasons, one being she's been sober for just about 5 years now)...

But my husband has been amazed at just how little she's done since he's been home all day with us, and the fact is no matter how hard we push, she just won't do anything to save herself, so we aren't going to.

It boiled down to this. We are creating an atmosphere that is safe for her to just sit there and be lazy. In order for us to make it uncomfortable and force her to get off her butt and do something, we would have to sacrifice things we've worked hard for like our computers, our satalite TV and TiVo- and many other things. We have sacrificed enough and now we are enabling this behavior if we allow her to stay here any longer.

It breaks my heart because my niece adores me and has even started calling me mommy over the past couple of weeks. I keep telling her I'm Aunt Krissy- but she says I want to call you Mommy. And it's always when my sister has retreated to her bedroom and has left "Maggie" alone to fend for and entertain herself. It happened again today.

I'll be going over to my grandparent's house tomorrow to tell them about the decision DH made regarding my sister and her limited time left here so that they know the truth- we've already discussed similar things to my folks so time will tell if they are actually in agreement with us like they said they were back 8 weeks ago.

I will cry when my niece leaves. She has been the closest thing to my own child that I've ever had and I adore her beyond belief. The only reason I don't do more with her is I don't want to make my sister look like any worse of a mother than I already do, and I don't want to put her in even a bigger depression by showing her just exactly how you are supposed to spend the day with your child when you are a SAHM...

I'm going to bed to have a good cry. Pray for DH tomorrow as he'll be the one talking to my sister and telling her she is no longer welcome here, but my niece is- because I'm sure it will be akward around here until she packs up and goes where ever.

I'm just sad that she chose the road she chose- I'm worrying more about my niece and this entire situation than my own sister is! She's not losing any sleep-

UGH

I am proud of you and will be praying that you have the strength to follow through with this decision. You have enough stress in your life right now and what she has added is very unfair and selfish of her.

Let go. Let God.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Prayers for tonightThanks everyone for all your encouragement. DH is going to talk to my sister tonight after my niece is in bed. He will tell her then that she has 2 weeks to find other arrangements.

We are not going to tell my parents because they haven't bothered to talk to us or see how we are doing through all this, and in all honesty once my sister calls them I'm not sure they'll care why we did what we did, only that they won't be able to believe that we mean enough to kick her out.

My DH sister called him last night and the spoke for 2 hours. She asked him if my sister knew we were unemployed, and he said, yes...and she said then what the heck is she still doing there? The seriousness of both of us being unemployed should have been enough to get her off her butt to get a job and not worry about whether it is in that city she's going to move to or not...but it didn't.

Because my mom is not speaking to me I think that she thinks my sister is doing everything she can but I'm sorry...if every store in a city isn't hiring- look somewhere else.

I'm really torn over this. I poured over bible verses and articles on waiting on God just so I could stop feeling guilty. Then I had to realize that the guilt was not from God- it's from Satan and my DH and I cannot continue to allow her to just sit around while she waits for her tabs, her job, her apartment, her DH to confess, etc...nope, she can do that somewhere else.

I'm tired, I'm emotional and I'm not looking forward to this evening.

If you would be willing to just pray that my sister's heart be softened and open to what my husband is telling her, and that we'll make it through and that I won't miss my niece too much!

 

[merego]

I am going to e-mail you.. I went to church with DH today and the sermon made me think of you and your situation.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I am going to e-mail you.. I went to church with DH today and the sermon made me think of you and your situation.

Good because I slept through my alarm and I NEVER do that and missed church and I needed it today!!!

 

[raebates]

Kacey, in my humble opinion, there's no need to inform anyone else what you're doing. It's between you (including your DH) and your sister. Period. Talking with a few friends and/or a counselor is one thing. Your mom or any other family member is another story. From what you've said, your sister is likely to tell others. I imagine you'll feel like you're being grilled by people who don't understand what you've been going through. Again, you aren't alone. You have us, and, more importantly, you have your Heavenly Father.

 

[merego]

you poor thing, but I am sure you needed the rest
I am mid typing in my e-mail to you, but DS keeps climbing on the fireplace and DD just woke up and keeps saying pool mama, pool mama, so the e-mail may not get finished til later. Apparantly she wants to go swimming
Did you get all my pics???

 

[Kitchen Diva]

you poor thing, but I am sure you needed the rest
I am mid typing in my e-mail to you, but DS keeps climbing on the fireplace and DD just woke up and keeps saying pool mama, pool mama, so the e-mail may not get finished til later. Apparantly she wants to go swimming
Did you get all my pics???

Yes I did, but I didn't get any of the info on who was who. I was able to figure out you, Clint and Parker at least I think it was Parker.

If I take my allergy medicine I'm just tired the next day. If I take that and my progesterone (which I'm supposed to take daily- unless I want a monthly cycle vs just one every 2-4 months) I am beyond wiped out. I went to bed at 3:00 am- DH and I were up talking until 2:00- I read my bible and some articles on Waiting on the Lord until 3:00- my kitty woke me up 30 minutes before my alarm went off for church and I closed my eyes and woke up at 1:00 pm!!! I HATE THAT!

 

[merego]

Yes I did, but I didn't get any of the info on who was who. I was able to figure out you, Clint and Parker at least I think it was Parker.

If I take my allergy medicine I'm just tired the next day. If I take that and my progesterone (which I'm supposed to take daily- unless I want a monthly cycle vs just one every 2-4 months) I am beyond wiped out. I went to bed at 3:00 am- DH and I were up talking until 2:00- I read my bible and some articles on Waiting on the Lord until 3:00- my kitty woke me up 30 minutes before my alarm went off for church and I closed my eyes and woke up at 1:00 pm!!! I HATE THAT!

Ha, I was tired and didn't put names did I??
Regan is my little girl who is 2
Parker is 1
Kyle is 15
Clint is my husband
one was my mom with Parker
I think one was with a bunch of my friends at my last birthday when they took me out.
I just sent you the 1st part of the e-mail about the sermon, I'll finish later
hang in there

 

[janetupnorth]

Still praying for you and DH...

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Kacey, in my humble opinion, there's no need to inform anyone else what you're doing. It's between you (including your DH) and your sister. Period. Talking with a few friends and/or a counselor is one thing. Your mom or any other family member is another story. From what you've said, your sister is likely to tell others. I imagine you'll feel like you're being grilled by people who don't understand what you've been going through. Again, you aren't alone. You have us, and, more importantly, you have your Heavenly Father.

Thanks Momma-Rae! I needed to hear that. Yes I am tormenting myself over what others will say to us and I need to stop. They have only one side of the story and it's time- she didn't do enough or move enough or even show that it was important enough for her to not be a burden to us. She took advantage of our blessings and our willingness to help- my entire family did, and will won't enable that behavior any more.

 

[BethCooks4U]

You continue in my prayers. Remember, time will heal and she will one day thank you, as will your mother and others. Be strong.