Can't Hold Out Any Longer....steam Is Building (Long)

[Kitchen Diva]

Well it seems that after taking 87 paragraphs to explain why I wasn't sure what I was going to make for dinner tonight over on the dinner thread...
http://www.chefsuccess.com/f7/whats-dinner-june-7th-38265/

It seems that I do need to vent again and need you guys to give me a pep talk.

Some of you know the concerns I had with guilt over getting away for a while and going to SC with my DH to visit his kids and the new grandbaby...

I was concerned because #1- both DH and were now unemployed, and #2 we are still supporting my little sister and her daughter, #3 we were asking my parents to help out financially and I was worried that my mother would say "If you can afford to go to SC you can afford to carry your sister" You just have to know my mom.

Well my sister has been "waiting on the Lord" now for 4 months. She has a place to live- but cannot move there until she finds a job. She's gone to this city (which is an hour from our place) and applied at every shop in the little town. It's a tourist city, so naturally no one is hiring. So instead of trying to find work up here or in a neighboring city down there...she's waiting for something to open up.

Meanwhile- my mother has been over here no fewer than 3 times to either drop off or pick up my niece, and has not once bothered to come in and say hello to me. She'll stand in the driveway and talk to my sister- and that's it.

My mother hasn't spoken to me since I told her we were going on our trip, nor has any money come in to help us out. I did tell her just to give money to my sister since that's where it would be going anyway, but she hasn't done that either.

I've been studying the whole "waiting on the Lord" theory and Paul talks about it extensively and he even says while you are waiting DO NOT BE A BURDEN on ANYONE- so Paul always found work so he wouldn't burden his hosts... not my sister.

She has until August 1st to get out. And now my Mom is telling her that they are praying on whether or not to front my sister all her expenses for 3months so she can get into that apartment and get on her feet (which she's not tried really hard to do in the past 4 months up here) or just let her move in with them (half the square footage of our house) and she can get a job in their city until she can move down to her new place...

I'm like HUH!?!?! She could do that here, but has chosen to believe that although it is quite evident to me and DH that not having any job choices in that city where her housing is available is a sign that um....maybe it's not the right city...maybe that's a closed door from the Lord right there. But she wants to live there so bad she's choosing to believe that she'll just get a call from one of those shop owners.

SO I told her to keep her on their minds and call them weekly or every other week to see if any openings have arised. She won't do it... She just sits and eats and witches at my niece.

So now my mom isn't talking to me (again) my sister is taking advantage of us, and is being more than a burden at this point. She had the audacity to tell me that God isn't giving me the child I want until DH and I get rid of any and all of the strife in our marriage (um, 90% of it is because I am stuck in the middle and have to defend each of them to the other party and I'm stressed out!) But yet she parents from my recliner, if I mention anything about a job she gets ticked at me, and then takes it out on my niece by being short, snotty and verbally hurtful- and she never plays with her.

She does school work maybe 4 times a month now- but it's either too hot or too cold to go outside, teach her to ride her bike, take her to one of the 3 parks we have within walking distance of our home- she just watches TV and gets crankier by the day.

There is so much more I could share but I'll leave it at this. I just needed to get this off my chest because I can't talk to my mother- not like I ever really had her support 100% anyway...and I can't talk to DH because he's beyond fed up with her- especially since my sister claims to know the bible so well but she has no clue what it truly means to "wait on the Lord" and that you should not be a burden to anyone.

Part of me felt that the stress of this situation just brought out the worst in her, and DH said that it didn't- it revealed her character. And he's right- I just don't want to have to look at my sister in that way, but it's the truth...

Like I said, there's more I'd like to share but this post has been long enough- thanks for sticking with it... and thanks for your continued prayers, guys!

 

[chefann]

{{{Kacey}}}I'm so sorry that you're still dealing with this mess. I don't claim to be a Bible scholar, but what about "the Lord help those who help themselves"? Prayer isn't supposed to be like tossing a penny into a wishing well and expecting results with no effort. You go ahead and vent, if that makes you feel any better.

 

[PamperChefCarol]

Not the most religious person on the block, but I thing this whole "waiting on the Lord" theory is flawed. Forgive me, but the Lord doesn't want us sitting on our behinds waiting. He wants us doing and believing.

I don't know all the history, but how in the world did you ever get roped into taking in little sister and child? Your mother has no place to whine about you doing anything as you are the one caring for HER daughter.

Little sister needs to get up off the recliner and get an job. Don't start me on how she "wants to live XXX." I want to be tall, thin and blonde and that ain't working for me. If mom wants to front her the money, I say, let her. Or, if mom wants her to move in with her, once again,let her. She is not going to magically "grow up". Sad, but true.

ARRRRRRGGGGGG. Have strenght, everything passes.

 

[BethCooks4U]

Kacey,

You are in my prayers. I know from personal experience that it is very difficult to have tough love and follow through with the deadline and expectations that you have made for her. Be strong. She will thank you and you and your marriage will benefit if you hold her to her deadline to get out and on with her life. Don't faulter.

We have had to do this with various relatives and we did as you did - set deadlines and tried to give them ways to get on their own two feet. Some did have the job and place in time or even earlier but others didn't. We still said time to go and they suddenly found a place and even got a job. They each have come back and thanked us (some took years to get to that point and to really be on their own - it's not magic).

As far as your mom is concerned, pray for her. She isn't looking at how much you are trying to help. I won't even go into things my mother did/said to and about me... She will come around and realize the sacrifices you have made one day.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

[merego]

Oh my Kacey, I am not a very religious person ( for my own reasons that I wont get into) although I went to private catholic grade school and high school. The Lord isn't going to provide for some lazy chcik sitting in a recliner all day, the loord will provide for people who truly want and need the help, and when he does, I truly hope that person is YOU because YOU deserve it!!!!
I get annoyed with people who do nothing and wait for "the lord", she sounds lazy and is taking advantage of you.
I have no relationship with my sister b/c she is a self centered twit who thinks it is all about her and only her, she is a miserable unhappy person who enjoys being mean and hateful to those around her.
You are a good person with a good heart and she is taking advantage of that.
Want to to get out my can oh WhoopA$$ and give her a what for???? I'll do it!!!!

 

[merego]

boy, I can't type today. I hope things get better for you

 

[legacypc46]

Sounds like your sister is adding depression to her list of challenges to overcome. I agree with Beth; once the clock runs out, she'll find a way to make something happen. Since she isn't actively taking steps, I don't think you're obligated to stick with the 1 August deadline. (The line I use is every action...or lack of action...has a reaction.)

You sound like a wonderfully good person Kacey; you and DH deserve to have your life back.

 

[MaryLou]

(((Kitchen Diva))) I am sorry that you are going through this.

 

[raebates]

Oh, Kacey! <<<HUGS>>>I'm with Leggy; it sounds like your sister is dealing with a bit of depression. That doesn't surprise me, considering the situation.That said, there is nothing Biblical about taking advantage of others' good graces. Waiting on the Lord is not about inaction. It's about having faith as you plug along. The Bible does, however, say that he who will not work will not eat. (It doesn't say can't work. It says will not work.)If you feel an obligation to stick to August 1, make it clear that she must be completely moved out by then. As for her very hurtful comments about your difficulty having children--how cruel. My pastor often reminds us that people who hurt others are usually experiencing a lot of hurt themselves. That doesn't make it right, just a bit easier to understand.You've shared before about your mom. Her issues are her issues and most likely have little or nothing to do with you. While I know it hurts (trust me, I know how hurtful a mom can be), do your best to ignore her. The Bible also tells us to repair relationships as much is as within our power. You and your husband have been amazingly caring and generous. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone is to kick their tushie to the curb. Pray for her. Be there for her emotionally. Be a good role model for her daughter. Just don't give her an unending place to veg out and sink deeper into depression.

 

[krzymomof4]

Oh Kacey, I will be praying for you. Keep your chin up. We here love you very much:love:

Does anyone have a smiley that has smoke blowing out their ears??? Kacey needs to add it to her files

 

[Kitchen Diva]

{{{Kacey}}}

I'm so sorry that you're still dealing with this mess.

I don't claim to be a Bible scholar, but what about "the Lord help those who help themselves"? Prayer isn't supposed to be like tossing a penny into a wishing well and expecting results with no effort.

You go ahead and vent, if that makes you feel any better.

I agree wholeheartedly, Ann! I could really get into quite a bit on how her waiting on the Lord isn't the biblical waiting...it's the earthly mooching!

Oh, and it's now 81 degrees in my house, only 80 outside with 70% humidity and she's down in her bedroom (which is in the lower level- with a blanket and a huge sweater on! WHAT THE HECK?? I'm breaking out in a heat rash here, and had to trim up my puppies and sprinkle them with cool water in the shower so they could stop panting.

I'm seriously ready for her to be gone and I will not want to talk to anyone in my family for AT least 30 days after she moves out!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Not the most religious person on the block, but I thing this whole "waiting on the Lord" theory is flawed. Forgive me, but the Lord doesn't want us sitting on our behinds waiting. He wants us doing and believing.

I don't know all the history, but how in the world did you ever get roped into taking in little sister and child? Your mother has no place to whine about you doing anything as you are the one caring for HER daughter.

Little sister needs to get up off the recliner and get an job. Don't start me on how she "wants to live XXX." I want to be tall, thin and blonde and that ain't working for me. If mom wants to front her the money, I say, let her. Or, if mom wants her to move in with her, once again,let her. She is not going to magically "grow up". Sad, but true.

ARRRRRRGGGGGG. Have strenght, everything passes.

DH and I offered to take them in when we found out in Febrary that my nieces dad was sexually molesting her. The trial dates have been rescheduled so many times I'm not sure we'll ever have one.

I WANT my mom to take her in, but she's doing it for the wrong reasons. My sister should have been doing all that stuff that my Mom said she could do in her town...oh, and after 4 months of my sister living with us, my mom just now decides that maybe she should pray about whether or not she should let them move in or help them out? WHAT!?!? And I'm the bad guy here? Too funny!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Kacey,

You are in my prayers. I know from personal experience that it is very difficult to have tough love and follow through with the deadline and expectations that you have made for her. Be strong. She will thank you and you and your marriage will benefit if you hold her to her deadline to get out and on with her life. Don't faulter.

We have had to do this with various relatives and we did as you did - set deadlines and tried to give them ways to get on their own two feet. Some did have the job and place in time or even earlier but others didn't. We still said time to go and they suddenly found a place and even got a job. They each have come back and thanked us (some took years to get to that point and to really be on their own - it's not magic).

As far as your mom is concerned, pray for her. She isn't looking at how much you are trying to help. I won't even go into things my mother did/said to and about me... She will come around and realize the sacrifices you have made one day.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Thanks, Beth...that helps!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Oh my Kacey, I am not a very religious person ( for my own reasons that I wont get into) although I went to private catholic grade school and high school. The Lord isn't going to provide for some lazy chcik sitting in a recliner all day, the loord will provide for people who truly want and need the help, and when he does, I truly hope that person is YOU because YOU deserve it!!!!
I get annoyed with people who do nothing and wait for "the lord", she sounds lazy and is taking advantage of you.
I have no relationship with my sister b/c she is a self centered twit who thinks it is all about her and only her, she is a miserable unhappy person who enjoys being mean and hateful to those around her.
You are a good person with a good heart and she is taking advantage of that.
Want to to get out my can oh WhoopA$$ and give her a what for???? I'll do it!!!!

Yes! Actually no, if you tick her off, she'll just be cranky to my niece, and I can't stand that...

 

[kathijenkins]

First of all...{{{{hugs}}}}. Now, you have had a lot more patience re: your sister & her...let's just say lack of motivation, then I could have.

I'm not an overly religious person, but I recall being told when I was younger that God helps those who help themselves. It's high time your sister stand up, brush it off & get her backside in gear. She has a child that NEEDS her to teach her that regardless of what life throws at you, you get up & keep going.

I don't want to offend anyone but you & your DH shouldn't have to bear this situation alone...she has other family, maybe it's time THEY deal with her & then maybe they would understand what you & DH have been going through.

And as far as her comment about you not being able to have a child because of the strife in your life...yeah, look in the mirror sister at who's causing the strife. I'm sorry, but that kind of comment after everything you've done for her deserves a b*ttkicking. (Want me to come do it for ya? ) Of course this is just IMHO.

Sending prayers for your sanity up & the strength to deal with this.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Oh, Kacey! <<<HUGS>>>

I'm with Leggy; it sounds like your sister is dealing with a bit of depression. That doesn't surprise me, considering the situation.

That said, there is nothing Biblical about taking advantage of others' good graces. Waiting on the Lord is not about inaction. It's about having faith as you plug along. The Bible does, however, say that he who will not work will not eat. (It doesn't say can't work. It says will not work.)

If you feel an obligation to stick to August 1, make it clear that she must be completely moved out by then.

As for her very hurtful comments about your difficulty having children--how cruel. My pastor often reminds us that people who hurt others are usually experiencing a lot of hurt themselves. That doesn't make it right, just a bit easier to understand.

You've shared before about your mom. Her issues are her issues and most likely have little or nothing to do with you. While I know it hurts (trust me, I know how hurtful a mom can be), do your best to ignore her. The Bible also tells us to repair relationships as much is as within our power.

You and your husband have been amazingly caring and generous. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone is to kick their tushie to the curb. Pray for her. Be there for her emotionally. Be a good role model for her daughter. Just don't give her an unending place to veg out and sink deeper into depression.

I seriously don't know how to do that. I can't talk to her. She retreats to her room (she says it's to pray) but then she neglects my niece and I end up watching her and whatever else until she decides to come out. Since when did prayer become a selfish action?

I'm fed up- as you can see... She just doesn't get that she either needs to be calling those stores she applied to, or looking else where. I'm trying to be as loving as I can when telling her these things but she just isn't listening. I agree with a bit of depression, but she'll deny it. I think it's PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)

It's a flipping mess...any advice on how to help me with that bolded section you wrote?

 

[Kitchen Diva]

First of all...{{{{hugs}}}}. Now, you have had a lot more patience re: your sister & her...let's just say lack of motivation, then I could have.

I'm not an overly religious person, but I recall being told when I was younger that God helps those who help themselves. It's high time your sister stand up, brush it off & get her backside in gear. She has a child that NEEDS her to teach her that regardless of what life throws at you, you get up & keep going.

I don't want to offend anyone but you & your DH shouldn't have to bear this situation alone...she has other family, maybe it's time THEY deal with her & then maybe they would understand what you & DH have been going through.

And as far as her comment about you not being able to have a child because of the strife in your life...yeah, look in the mirror sister at who's causing the strife. I'm sorry, but that kind of comment after everything you've done for her deserves a b*ttkicking. (Want me to come do it for ya? ) Of course this is just IMHO.

Sending prayers for your sanity up & the strength to deal with this.

DH is standing over my shoulder reading your replies and he's touched by your support. He agrees with the butt kicking. I would love to tell her to move on, but because of my niece, I won't do that. And I'm sure that my family and my sister are banking on that!

 

[kathijenkins]

DH is standing over my shoulder reading your replies and he's touched by your support. He agrees with the butt kicking. I would love to tell her to move on, but because of my niece, I won't do that. And I'm sure that my family and my sister are banking on that!

Yeah, my BIL is that way with my MIL...lives at home (he's 30 almost 31) with his 19 or 20 y/o GF & their 2 1/2 y/o daughter....he knows MIL won't kick him out because of our niece.:grumpy:

Tell your DH I'm glad I can be of some support. I'll be stateside in 35 days, want me to come kick her b*tt? LOL

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Yeah, my BIL is that way with my MIL...lives at home (he's 30 almost 31) with his 19 or 20 y/o GF & their 2 1/2 y/o daughter....he knows MIL won't kick him out because of our niece.:grumpy:

Tell your DH I'm glad I can be of some support. I'll be stateside in 35 days, want me to come kick her b*tt? LOL

Maybe I could just come and stay with you for a while? I need another vacation! LOL And since you are in Germany I'm sure you picked up a little on the language...my Austrian grandfather would be so happy if I learned a little German myself!

 

[kathijenkins]

Maybe I could just come and stay with you for a while? I need another vacation! LOL And since you are in Germany I'm sure you picked up a little on the language...my Austrian grandfather would be so happy if I learned a little German myself!

A few German words...it's not an easy language to learn. They speak so FAST!! LOL But I have my hubby that is almost fluent so that helps.

You're welcome to come crash here...we've got LOTS of room!

 

[merego]

I feel for her situation with the father molesting the duaghter, however, she is mooching off of you and needs to be taking care of the daughter and the trauma her daughter ( your niece) is dealing with. Believe me and I know from experience, that kind of trauma never goes away, not with all the therapy in the world, but it does get easier. She needs to think about her daughter and being a good mother to her daughter. I am not saying she is not a good mom because I do not know her, but it sounds like she is not doing what she needs to do to take care of herself and her daughter.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

I feel for her situation with the father molesting the duaghter, however, she is mooching off of you and needs to be taking care of the daughter and the trauma her daughter ( your niece) is dealing with. Believe me and I know from experience, that kind of trauma never goes away, not with all the therapy in the world, but it does get easier. She needs to think about her daughter and being a good mother to her daughter. I am not saying she is not a good mom because I do not know her, but it sounds like she is not doing what she needs to do to take care of herself and her daughter.

That my sister is what is called hitting the nail on the head.

It is 5:45 here and at 4:30 she went down to get my niece up from her quiet time, and she laid down herself and shut her door...didn't even bother to ask if I'd watch my niece. Now it's dinner time and I'm left to care for her. I have no problem helping out, but she just assumes. She isn't caring for my niece the way she needs to be, and she is neglecting her as well and pawning her off on us.

I really need to do something about this but I have no support from my family so I'm not sure what to do...

 

[merego]

How old is your niece again? I remember reading the previous threads, but my memory is shot. Does the niece talk to you about it? Sorry, not trying to be nosy.

It's easier said than done, but sister needs a reality check and needs to be told to get her a$$ off the recliner, get her a$$ in gear, and stop thinking about herself because she has this precious little girl who needs a loving, caring, reliable mother. Does your area have any free social services help?

 

[Christ Follower]

Oh Kacey....(((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I can soooo relate to you! I took my sister and her 3 girls in to my home for 9 months several years ago. That was before I was walking with the Lord. It almost caused a divorce between me and my husband because of all the tension, etc that you have described. It ended up in me literally getting in a fist fight with her after she told me that I was taking advantage of her. (9 months of her living here rent free). We ended up not speaking for a couple of years after that. I pray that it wont get to that point for you. You and your husband are in my prayers!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

How old is your niece again? I remember reading the previous threads, but my memory is shot. Does the niece talk to you about it? Sorry, not trying to be nosy.

It's easier said than done, but sister needs a reality check and needs to be told to get her a$$ off the recliner, get her a$$ in gear, and stop thinking about herself because she has this precious little girl who needs a loving, caring, reliable mother. Does your area have any free social services help?

She is now 4- just turned 4 in April. DH and I prayed together a few minutes ago for a good 10 minutes, we are just looking for peace on a decision we made that would give my sister 2 weeks to find someone else to take her in. We are done. (at least we'd like to be done!)

We are not a hotel and if she isn't capable of at least helping us out financially- well with the possibility of losing my unemployment (because my former employer is appealing the states decision to give me unemployment) money we just can't justify her waiting it out until the Aug
1st deadline.

I'm being forced to be her mother and not her sister and I'm in the middle of her and DH and the middle of my family and her and my family and DH and I'm tired of being in the middle! Things are just not what I expected and I never expected my sister to act like it isn't a small crisis that we are both unemployed and she's not brining in any money and certainly isn't looking too hard for a job. It's like WTH!? (what the heck)

So we don't feel like we should honor our August 1st deadline. We are working hard to find work, and she is not. She's convinced that Lake City is the place where she's supposed to go and as soon as a job opens up, she'll get a phone call and an offer. It's like there is no sense of urgency for her to reduce our burden of supporting her.


It isn't about the money from the aspect of we have none- because we will give even when we can't. It's from the aspect of she is capable of working and helping and she isn't. She's waiting on the Lord...and we're giving her the perfect platform to do it. So we prayed and asked God if we should give her a shove off the platform or if we're just being poopy about all this crap.

Thanks for the ears guys. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't bounce this stuff off of you all! You are truly all blessings to me! I thank God for all of you! (whether you are religious or not!)

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Oh Kacey....(((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I can soooo relate to you! I took my sister and her 3 girls in to my home for 9 months several years ago. That was before I was walking with the Lord. It almost caused a divorce between me and my husband because of all the tension, etc that you have described. It ended up in me literally getting in a fist fight with her after she told me that I was taking advantage of her. (9 months of her living here rent free). We ended up not speaking for a couple of years after that. I pray that it wont get to that point for you. You and your husband are in my prayers!

Thanks! If it helps I'd win in a fist fight. (I fight dirty- I think it's the Irish in me) LOL I know it won't come to that- I'd never punch her but I would strangle her! :blushing:

I'm sorry that you can relate to me on all this- and I pray that we don't end up not talking for years, because I've gone years without talking to my sister because of things she's done and said to me in the past. No one is more surprised that I'm helping her out than I am... That's how shotty she was to me growing up and in the past...

 

[DessertDivaFL]

Kitchen Diva, I don't know you very well since I am new to this site, but I just wanted to tell you that there are prayers being lifted your way from my family.

I can understand your situation somewhat. If there was abuse going on with your neice, there needs to be counseling for her and your sister. Is there a counselor at your sister's church? Your sister should also find a support group of women that have been through her situation. They can help her by sharing their own experience, strength and hope.

There is a great program called Celebrate Recovery. You may have one in your own area. They have a website and it is a biblical twelve step program. It isn't just for alcoholics. It is for many types of hurts, habits and hang ups. I hope this is something she would consider.

By the way, you are 100% correct in taking a respite. You need time away and you should NEVER have anyone make you feel guilty about it. I can tell you have a bigger heart than most people so I know God will surely bless you and remember, He does have a plan for your sister. She needs to listen to His calling, not the TV.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Kitchen Diva, I don't know you very well since I am new to this site, but I just wanted to tell you that there are prayers being lifted your way from my family.

I can understand your situation somewhat. If there was abuse going on with your neice, there needs to be counseling for her and your sister. Is there a counselor at your sister's church? Your sister should also find a support group of women that have been through her situation. They can help her by sharing their own experience, strength and hope.

There is a great program called Celebrate Recovery. You may have one in your own area. They have a website and it is a biblical twelve step program. It isn't just for alcoholics. It is for many types of hurts, habits and hang ups. I hope this is something she would consider.

By the way, you are 100% correct in taking a respite. You need time away and you should NEVER have anyone make you feel guilty about it. I can tell you have a bigger heart than most people so I know God will surely bless you and remember, He does have a plan for your sister. She needs to listen to His calling, not the TV.

Thanks for the kind words...here are the posts I've written about this situation if you feel like spending a night and a half reading them. That way I don't have to bore everyone here with another 4 feet of posts!

Actually there are about 10 threads I've started just click on my name and go to threads started by kitchen diva. They go back as far as February!

I will at least let you know that my niece is in therapy and the state won't offer assistance to my sister until she is on her own, and she can't get on her own until she has a job...it's a vicious cycle and if she'd just dig her feet in, she'd beat the cycle!

I might just "break" the TV! but that would be punishing me! I gotta have my Iron Chef and Food Network Star- Not that I get to watch it because my TiVo is litered with 15 shows she records for her and my niece and all the shows I wanted recored have been taken off the list because I'd too da-mmed nice!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

UghgghggghgghghhhhhhhSo after asking my sister to never use the oven when it's hot outside and hot in the house (she used it to make one corndog for my niece for lunch and the house went from 76 degrees inside to 80 degrees...

She comes in the house from the garage (we have a freezer out there) with a frozen pizza in her hands! I'm like are you seriously nuts?

My DH is dripping, the dogs are panting and I've got heat rash on my face and neck...AND SHE is IN A SWEATER!

So my husband said please- don't cook that if you don't want to make something for you and "maggie" order a pizza and I'll pay for it.

So she did that. Good grief. Did she think I was just talking to hear myself when I told her this afternoon to not use the oven in the heat?

I need a drink! I need lots and lots of drinks. Where's my sweet tea????

 

[chefann]

I might just "break" the TV! but that would be punishing me! I gotta have my Iron Chef and Food Network Star- Not that I get to watch it because my TiVo is litered with 15 shows she records for her and her niece and all the shows I wanted recored have been taken off the list because I'd too da-mmed nice!

That's where I'd draw the line. You're already inconveniencing yourself (and DH) opening your home to them. They should not expect you to give up your little pleasures for them. Now, it's not your niece's fault that she's stuck in this situation, so leave one or two of her favorite programs on the record listing.

And please don't think that the other things you've posted don't make me angry on your behalf, it's just that TiVo and the TV are so clearly not required to live and absolutely SHOULD be part of the plan to get your sister on her feet again. Maybe you can "lose" the remote. Or institute a no-TV day, on which everyone gathers and you play games and tell stories. Maybe the TiVo can "malfunction" and lose the programming to record sis's programs.

 

[chefann]

And Kacey, if you watched Top Chef, I could update you on those standings.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

That's where I'd draw the line. You're already inconveniencing yourself (and DH) opening your home to them. They should not expect you to give up your little pleasures for them. Now, it's not your niece's fault that she's stuck in this situation, so leave one or two of her favorite programs on the record listing.

And please don't think that the other things you've posted don't make me angry on your behalf, it's just that TiVo and the TV are so clearly not required to live and absolutely SHOULD be part of the plan to get your sister on her feet again. Maybe you can "lose" the remote. Or institute a no-TV day, on which everyone gathers and you play games and tell stories. Maybe the TiVo can "malfunction" and lose the programming to record sis's programs.

Thanks for the anger on my behalf- it's like I get to live vicariously through you guys!

I've tried deleting her programs and she figured out how to use the remote so she knows how to get a seasons pass to her shows.

I don't mind my niece having her 6 shows on there- but there are at least 8 for my sister (I have had my fill of Little House on the Prairie!) and I used to have about 10 of my own shows- but they interefere with my niece's shows and some of the shows that I record are not ones that she needs to hear, so I think I'll ask DH the best way for the TV's to not work unless I want them to!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

And Kacey, if you watched Top Chef, I could update you on those standings.

I used to watch it- but I couldn't believe how arrogant and foul mouthed those chefs were. That's quite the stressful little show and I have enough stress in my life! LOL

I'll more than likely watch it again once they move out!

 

[chefann]

This season's contestants on Top Chef aren't as arrogant as previous seasons. If you can believe that.I still think you need to "lose" the remote to the TiVo AND the TV.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Wow Kacey, I'm just getting caught up here. I don't know what else to say that others haven't already said. I agree, your sister is selfish, lazy and probably depressed. Does your church have any sort of counseling program? (mostly for her, but you sound like you might need a little too in helping you deal with her)

 

[janetupnorth]

Hey Kacey - can't you lock it out? With a password? Most cable and satellite systems allow that?

 

[KellyTheChef]

Kacey....Geesh! It continues to surprise me when people are being helped and they just suck it all in and don't even attempt to give back. I pray that you and DH are given the words and the strength to deal with her.

BTW- I agree about the TV thing. It's pretty bold of your sister to feel entitled to the entire DVR in someone ELSES HOME! Huh? I understand if you don't want to watch specific shows while your neice is around...but it's your cable, and you should be able to record what YOU want and watch it when the little one is asleep. I pray that your sis sees (eventually...but hopefully soon) just how much you and your DH have bent over backwards to help her and your neice. I pray that your mom "gets it" soon too!

{{{HUGS}}} girl!

Love ya!
Kelly

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Wow Kacey, I'm just getting caught up here. I don't know what else to say that others haven't already said. I agree, your sister is selfish, lazy and probably depressed. Does your church have any sort of counseling program? (mostly for her, but you sound like you might need a little too in helping you deal with her)

I get my therapy from you guys! And she's been given info on a great local support group that doesn't allow you to wallow in your situation, but get support you need and move on...she won't go!
I hate to be so upset by my sister and I hate even worse thinking that she's selfish, lazy and clueless. But what I refuse to do it be enabling and that's what I'm worried I'm doing...

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Hey Kacey - can't you lock it out? With a password? Most cable and satellite systems allow that?

I have no idea- I would really hate for it to come to that. There is already tension in the house. DH went down to talk to her when she retreated to her room again and left my niece in our care without asking first...he told her that something just wasn't right with her and he felt she was depressed and she said she was fine and went back to sleep.

John and I prayed together tonight and we'll have an answer on what our next step is supposed to be and how we are to implement it. I just need my posse here on CS to bounce things off of and get some love!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Kacey....Geesh! It continues to surprise me when people are being helped and they just suck it all in and don't even attempt to give back. I pray that you and DH are given the words and the strength to deal with her.

BTW- I agree about the TV thing. It's pretty bold of your sister to feel entitled to the entire DVR in someone ELSES HOME! Huh? I understand if you don't want to watch specific shows while your neice is around...but it's your cable, and you should be able to record what YOU want and watch it when the little one is asleep. I pray that your sis sees (eventually...but hopefully soon) just how much you and your DH have bent over backwards to help her and your neice. I pray that your mom "gets it" soon too!

{{{HUGS}}} girl!

Love ya!
Kelly

Yeah, DH and I will discuss the TiVo thing. I don't mind some of the shows being recorded because they are on when I'm asleep or should be sleeping...but there are just too many shows between the two of them. I think it's going to have to be pick 4 of my nieces favorites, and 3 of yours and the rest is for me!

 

[ljeffries]

Sounds like you need to start doing some bud nipping! It is one thing for you to help her - an entirely different thing for her to take advantage of you - almost as if you 'owe' her this.

IMHO - your niece should be your concern, not Driving Miss Lazy. Is your sister suited to parent her should she move out? I don't mean that to be hurtful, just an observation from what you have said in your posts.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Sounds like you need to start doing some bud nipping! It is one thing for you to help her - an entirely different thing for her to take advantage of you - almost as if you 'owe' her this.

IMHO - your niece should be your concern, not Driving Miss Lazy. Is your sister suited to parent her should she move out? I don't mean that to be hurtful, just an observation from what you have said in your posts.

At this point I have some doubts about her ability to properly parent my niece because she has absolutely no will to fight or accomplish anything. She is perfectly happy to just sit and let people "owe" her!

I'm seriously at a loss for where to start with her. DH and I already spoke to my folks about 2 months ago and they understood where we were coming from, but have since stopped talking to us.

I'm not about to tear my family apart and try to take care of my niece until my sister pulls her head out of her butt, but I'm starting to wonder if that is what is going to happen.

She is taking her frustration out on my niece and out on us- and she is in a funk and I think she either just doesn't care or doesn't see how serious this entire situation is, or she just doesn't get it...and how could someone related to someone as brilliant as I just not get it?

My niece is my concern, but sadly she's a package deal with my sister...and I don't want my niece going back to her sexually abusive father so I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. Even on my sister's worst day (and all parents have them) she's still a better option than her husband

 

[katie0128]

Are you at the point with your sister and her lack of parenting ability (especially when she finally loses her free-ride at your house) that you are willing to call in social services? If sis doesn't have a definite place to go after she leaves your place, you might want to find out what the procedures are and if you even have the option of taking temporary custody of your niece. After sis moves out, do you think there is any possibility she will go back with her DH?

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Are you at the point with your sister and her lack of parenting ability (especially when she finally loses her free-ride at your house) that you are willing to call in social services? If sis doesn't have a definite place to go after she leaves your place, you might want to find out what the procedures are and if you even have the option of taking temporary custody of your niece. After sis moves out, do you think there is any possibility she will go back with her DH?

She is trying to get DH to go to a 30 month rehibilitation course to get help for what he did so that they can get back together. So far his lawyer says he isn't interested and will be fighting for my niece.

He still won't admit he did anything but did fail a polygraph- and failed it bad enough that the State of South Dakota believes there is merrit to my sisters claims of what my niece told her (and us) No, I'm not comfortable calling social services. She has a place to go- it is rent controlled and they take 30% of your paycheck for rent after childcare and taxes are taken out for your rent. She can't move in until she has a job.

She is vision impaired in one eye and doesn't drive well in bad weather and although she could get a job in the next nearest city to where this place is- it is still about 30 minutes away and she won't drive on winding roads in the winter... So she'd take like 1 hour to drive 30 miles. So there are excuses all over the board. I believe she is in a funk and never got out of it. She went numb after my niece told her what happened and she's not once gotten passionate about fighting for my niece or going after her DH- she won't even file for child support to help her unemployed sister and BIL (me and DH) to help support them, but she has no problem living off us! It makes me ill!

I think social services is the last of my worries at this point. But I will be telling her lawyer that he may want to find out what questions the other side will be asking because my answers might not help my sister at all, they might hurt her.

I would never have put her and her husband through this if the roles were reversed! I would have found a place to live and a job within 8 weeks MAX! Heck, I've only been seriously looking for work for the past month and I know I'll have a job soon. The types of jobs I can normally land in a week I'm unable to do anymore- so it's taking a bit longer this time around...but I'm looking harder for a job then my sister is.

It's like she has emotionally shut down and the only emotions she has left are cranky, bit*hy, defensive, crabby, short, and then add onto that she's tired, lazy, and has no patience for the child and no drive. She is literally waiting for her husband to confess so she can get back on with her life. So instead of just moving forward until (and that's a big until) that happens she just sits and waits for her miracles. I know she's very angry with my niece because she's stopped talking and hasn't said much of anything to the therapist...

After my DH spoke to his older sister today it seems that we are all in agreement that she needs to either find a job here and someone to watch my niece during the day, or get a night job stocking shelves at the local Target or grocery store (that way my niece will be sleeping and we'll listen out for her)- or she will need to pack her bags and go to my mother's.

If she isn't going to fight for my niece and for herself then I'm not going to fight to make sure we have enough money to keep them high on the hog. Once they leave, DH can relax and actually look for a job that he might enjoy instead of just looking for a job so we don't lose the house ...the money runs out in 45 days- period! And it may run out sooner if they cancel my unemployment.

I'm pretty sad, too that when my family learned that DH lost his job that no one bothered to come to our aid to help my sister. She isn't our responsibility, but because we opened our house to her, we're getting to foot the bill. My aunt gave us $200.00 one month and that helped with about 1.5 weeks of groceries and paper products. It's like no one cares that my husband has gone through $6000.00 from his 401K (and gotten penalized for early withdrawl) to help subsidise the extra costs that these two have incurred. I'm beyong upset. I've clothed both of them, set up two rooms in our house, kicked DH out of his den, fed them, bought toys, dolls, shoes, more kleenex than a funeral home, and more TP that a public restroom at the airport uses...let them stay rent free, food is free, tv, washer and dryer, showers, baths....

And no one in the family seems to worry about me and DH's unemployment situation...

 

[susanr613]

All I can say is:

- I feel sorry for your niece having your sister as a mom
- Your DH is an angel
- I pray that you find the strength on 8/1/08 to do what you said you will do
- Let your mom take over, no matter what the motives

 

[Kitchen2u]

Oh Kacey ~

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

What a mess...all because you and your DH are KIND soles!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

Oh Kacey ~

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

What a mess...all because you and your DH are KIND soles![/SIZE]

Ive been called a lot of things, but never the bottom of a shoe! LOL

Thanks for the kind words, they are appreciated!

 

[Kitchen Diva]

All I can say is:

- I feel sorry for your niece having your sister as a mom
- Your DH is an angel
- I pray that you find the strength on 8/1/08 to do what you said you will do
- Let your mom take over, no matter what the motives

We'll be telling her tomorrow that she has two weeks to find other living arrangements. Sad that it had to happen, but she forced the hand...

And as I sit here and know that it's the right thing to do, I'm so disapointed that it turned out this way- she was given a second chance at fixing things and starting over and she blew it! She had it all here, MORE than she ever had at home and unlimited help from us! It only recently became limited help once DH lost his job.

So as I try and figure out another way that this can work- there isn't one. Her actions show no sign of her wanting to get a job or really try to provide for her and "Maggie". Once we became unemployed I figured she'd step up to the plate- I even told her she needed to. So she drove 60 minutes away to that little town 3 times to apply for every job at every shop and store she could and NO one was hiring. One bar/restaurant was hiring, but she doesn't want to work where alcohol is served. (several reasons, one being she's been sober for just about 5 years now)...

But my husband has been amazed at just how little she's done since he's been home all day with us, and the fact is no matter how hard we push, she just won't do anything to save herself, so we aren't going to.

It boiled down to this. We are creating an atmosphere that is safe for her to just sit there and be lazy. In order for us to make it uncomfortable and force her to get off her butt and do something, we would have to sacrifice things we've worked hard for like our computers, our satalite TV and TiVo- and many other things. We have sacrificed enough and now we are enabling this behavior if we allow her to stay here any longer.

It breaks my heart because my niece adores me and has even started calling me mommy over the past couple of weeks. I keep telling her I'm Aunt Krissy- but she says I want to call you Mommy. And it's always when my sister has retreated to her bedroom and has left "Maggie" alone to fend for and entertain herself. It happened again today.

I'll be going over to my grandparent's house tomorrow to tell them about the decision DH made regarding my sister and her limited time left here so that they know the truth- we've already discussed similar things to my folks so time will tell if they are actually in agreement with us like they said they were back 8 weeks ago.

I will cry when my niece leaves. She has been the closest thing to my own child that I've ever had and I adore her beyond belief. The only reason I don't do more with her is I don't want to make my sister look like any worse of a mother than I already do, and I don't want to put her in even a bigger depression by showing her just exactly how you are supposed to spend the day with your child when you are a SAHM...

I'm going to bed to have a good cry. Pray for DH tomorrow as he'll be the one talking to my sister and telling her she is no longer welcome here, but my niece is- because I'm sure it will be akward around here until she packs up and goes where ever.

I'm just sad that she chose the road she chose- I'm worrying more about my niece and this entire situation than my own sister is! She's not losing any sleep-

UGH

 

[raebates]

Kacey, the right thing isn't always the easy thing. You will all be in my prayers. I know things will get even rockier over the next couple of weeks. You have us to vent to. You also have the comfort of the Holy Spirit. I certainly hope you have someone at your church to talk to--a friend or counselor. Someone outside the situation that you can talk to face-to-face can really help.

 

[BethCooks4U]

We'll be telling her tomorrow that she has two weeks to find other living arrangements. Sad that it had to happen, but she forced the hand...

And as I sit here and know that it's the right thing to do, I'm so disapointed that it turned out this way- she was given a second chance at fixing things and starting over and she blew it! She had it all here, MORE than she ever had at home and unlimited help from us! It only recently became limited help once DH lost his job.

So as I try and figure out another way that this can work- there isn't one. Her actions show no sign of her wanting to get a job or really try to provide for her and "Maggie". Once we became unemployed I figured she'd step up to the plate- I even told her she needed to. So she drove 60 minutes away to that little town 3 times to apply for every job at every shop and store she could and NO one was hiring. One bar/restaurant was hiring, but she doesn't want to work where alcohol is served. (several reasons, one being she's been sober for just about 5 years now)...

But my husband has been amazed at just how little she's done since he's been home all day with us, and the fact is no matter how hard we push, she just won't do anything to save herself, so we aren't going to.

It boiled down to this. We are creating an atmosphere that is safe for her to just sit there and be lazy. In order for us to make it uncomfortable and force her to get off her butt and do something, we would have to sacrifice things we've worked hard for like our computers, our satalite TV and TiVo- and many other things. We have sacrificed enough and now we are enabling this behavior if we allow her to stay here any longer.

It breaks my heart because my niece adores me and has even started calling me mommy over the past couple of weeks. I keep telling her I'm Aunt Krissy- but she says I want to call you Mommy. And it's always when my sister has retreated to her bedroom and has left "Maggie" alone to fend for and entertain herself. It happened again today.

I'll be going over to my grandparent's house tomorrow to tell them about the decision DH made regarding my sister and her limited time left here so that they know the truth- we've already discussed similar things to my folks so time will tell if they are actually in agreement with us like they said they were back 8 weeks ago.

I will cry when my niece leaves. She has been the closest thing to my own child that I've ever had and I adore her beyond belief. The only reason I don't do more with her is I don't want to make my sister look like any worse of a mother than I already do, and I don't want to put her in even a bigger depression by showing her just exactly how you are supposed to spend the day with your child when you are a SAHM...

I'm going to bed to have a good cry. Pray for DH tomorrow as he'll be the one talking to my sister and telling her she is no longer welcome here, but my niece is- because I'm sure it will be akward around here until she packs up and goes where ever.

I'm just sad that she chose the road she chose- I'm worrying more about my niece and this entire situation than my own sister is! She's not losing any sleep-

UGH

I am proud of you and will be praying that you have the strength to follow through with this decision. You have enough stress in your life right now and what she has added is very unfair and selfish of her.

Let go. Let God.