A Weekend Recap: DH Being a Jerk?

[Dayna]

Okay normally my DH is a loving supportive man. But right now he is a jerk. This is a recap of our weekend. Friday I let DD have 2 of her friends sleepover, her friends destroy the basement (her responsibilty to have them help her clean up) it doesn't happen. We got to a birthday party and DS gets hurt. I rush over kiss boo boos he was still chatting with friends. (DS got a busted lip I got a bloddy shirt). We are supposed to be working on a new behavioral system with DD i.e. her allowance & privileges well DH buys her something she has been saving up for. (Didn't discuss it with me prior) He goes off to flag football pratice. Sunday he has a game we go out is miserably hot. We get home I'm sick now with a 102 fever and yet I make dinner and clean up. I go to bed after putting the kids to bed and he watches the game. Today still feeling like death warmed over and he is a a softball game. Now I would have hoped he would have ditched the game and come home so I can get some rest. But no just a call to check on his family. Am I insane? Do I have a right to be angry? We've had this discussion before where I remind him that he is needed and wanted at home. I can't do this all by myself and coming home at 730 when the kids go to bed at 8-830 isn't going to work. I just want so hot tea and my bed for at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.:cry:

 

[bsaxman]

*Hugs* Men sometimes just don't get it. They mean well, they really do, most of the time! Sorry you are going through this right now! I'll put up a prayer for you and ask for the Lord to give you some GOOD REST :indif: and to ease your mind! Sounds like you have alot on your plate right now and DH doesn't seem to recognize that he needs to step in and take over to give you a break to recover! Hang in there, this too will pass! You said that normally he is a loving and supportive man, so I'm sure you will be able to work out the discipline/allowance/savings issues with him among other things! When you get some rest tonight and get a little more refreshed go talk to him and tell him what's on your heart! I'm sure he will agree that you and the kids are much more important to him then any softball game. Until things get better know I am sending hugs and prayers your way!!

 

[cmdtrgd]

Did you specifically ask him to skip the game tonight? Personally, I feel that if I don't ask for something, I don't have the right to get angry about it when it does/does not happen, etc.

 

[lkprescott]

Okay normally my DH is a loving supportive man. But right now he is a jerk. This is a recap of our weekend. Friday I let DD have 2 of her friends sleepover, her friends destroy the basement (her responsibilty to have them help her clean up) it doesn't happen. We got to a birthday party and DS gets hurt. I rush over kiss boo boos he was still chatting with friends. (DS got a busted lip I got a bloddy shirt). We are supposed to be working on a new behavioral system with DD i.e. her allowance & privileges well DH buys her something she has been saving up for. (Didn't discuss it with me prior) He goes off to flag football pratice. Sunday he has a game we go out is miserably hot. We get home I'm sick now with a 102 fever and yet I make dinner and clean up. I go to bed after putting the kids to bed and he watches the game. Today still feeling like death warmed over and he is a a softball game. Now I would have hoped he would have ditched the game and come home so I can get some rest. But no just a call to check on his family. Am I insane? Do I have a right to be angry? We've had this discussion before where I remind him that he is needed and wanted at home. I can't do this all by myself and coming home at 730 when the kids go to bed at 8-830 isn't going to work. I just want so hot tea and my bed for at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.:cry:

KG and any other guys here, plug your ears... erm... eyes.

Sometimes, guys seem to need a 2x4 form of communication to 'get' things. Short of using a 2x4 we sometimes have to repeat ourselves and ask for direct feedback to make sure it was received. So often those bobbed head "yes dear" moments don't really get through.

What I put in bold could be told to him, almost word for word. But when you do so, have him say it back to you so he gets it. Sometimes we think we're having a conversation but we're only speaking to someone not listening. He needs to know you can't do this all on your own... try not to let it brew within you. I almost gave up on my DH cuz he didn't put enough into things. He had a wakeup call (we both did) that saved our marriage.

What worked for us (mileage may vary) is we each have two evenings that are our own... a "mommy night" and a "daddy night" as it were. We can trade nights if need be but that way we both have a night that we can get a break from the kids and for him, he can have one on one time with the kids. Something he didn't realize he was missing out on until he got a regular dose of it. Guys often know (assume?) we'll kiss the boo boos (what I highlighted in purple) and unless they see something THEY can FIX, they are content to let us handle it. My DH will jump up faster than me if he thinks a child is falling or being attacked (you shoulda seen him nail hornets clear out of the air after a couple stung our DD). Otherwise? They're mine.

The weekends are mixed... we work together and have a family calendar that we both keep to remind us of what each is doing and we try to accommodate each other while keeping it fair. We both acknowledge that a burned out parent is no good for our kids... and he's acknowledged that in the past, he'd assume I'd take care of it all cuz, guess what? I did. He didn't know how or where to help. Give him a broken something or 'nother and sure, he'd have at it. But something less concrete? Clueless. I think part of it is the Venus/Mars thing... we live in a vague, always needed world of multi-tasking and an almost ballet type of world that involve dancing on a dime, being strong and oh yeah, looking cute too. They do great with definite things... with clear and present dangers, clearly broken things and of course, things that affect them (hard to ignore)...

Keep trying and see if you can't find words that can get through to him to help him understand. Use "I" statements and state your feelings. You can't go wrong with that. Avoid criticizing him and using "you" statements... those feel like attacks and put another person on guard. You want him to be open to things...

Good luck!

 

[lkprescott]

Oh yeah and be direct with your needs (that goes with the concrete things guys need to understand). Don't expect him to offer: HE WON'T. Oh and my own DH would appreciate any words of advice I give that would include, don't manipulate. Good: "Dear, I need to take a break from being a mom. I'd like to go to the library some time this week and that would give you some great one on one time with the kids. Can we set a date?"Not so good: "Yanno... it would be really great if I could get a break sometime. I'm so tired... I wonder if I'll ever have time to myself"The 2nd is TOO VAGUE and can sound manipulative. He'll either miss the cue OR feel like he has to offer. Don't make him offer - just ask. Should he offer? Sure! But I grew so frustrated with my hubby who would NEVER offer that he almost lost any more 'chances' he didn't even know he was given.

 

[cmdtrgd]

What really frustrates me is that most girls are taught to tease guys. It apparently is wrong for a female to want to kiss on the first date, to want to make out, to want other types of sexual relations. Now, I'm not saying that 13 year olds should be doing much, I'm talking about adults who were taught as kids that women should not like sex and other stuff. So, why am I talking about this in this post? It goes back to basic communication between people. If you are an 18 year old female, you play games with the guys you are interested in because you don't want to be a "slut". This translates into not the best communication practices between adults in relationships. It took me 4 years to be able to ask my husband for what I want/need in everything from sexual relations to help with making dinner. The reason I chose sex to discuss in this post is that it is very emotionally charged and is pretty universal when it comes to women playing games. I'm really tired, so this post is probably not easy to follow.Basically, communication is a two way street. You both need to discuss what is best for your relationship and your kids. And, if you want him to stay home, ask him to. He has the ability to choose to go out, but you have made your choice known.