What to Do With My Cheating Dad? Non P/C Related

[bsaxman]

Thanks to anyone who is taking the time to read this! I need prayers and/or godly advice on how to handle this! I am going through a difficult situation right now involving the splitting up/ possible divorce of my parents. Long story short, dad was secretly seeing someone else, cheating on my mom, lying about it... well mom found out... this was over a year ago, and things have been in limbo ever since. Dad has been living with my Aunt (his sister) but has still been hanging around the house... Honestly, I dread even going over there because I feel that he may be there. The whole things still makes me sick to my stomach! He spoke to me and my brother a little bit about the situation a year ago, the day he packed up a bag and went to stay with my Aunt. There has been no contact really, since then except in "passing." Now my mom has decided to move out of the house (and I support her entirely in her decision) due to the fact that he is lingering around all the time (still cheating) and it is making her miserable!

Well.... I got a call from my dad last night. All of the sudden he wants to take "me" out to dinner tomorrow night. No details. No reason why. He just said he wants to take me out to dinner.

I am completely uncomfortable with this, especially going by myself. My husband has been with me through all of this and I really don't want to go out to dinner with my dad without having my husband beside me. I feel that whatever he has to say to me he can also say in front of my husband. Is that rude of me, or is that a valid request? I didn't tell my dad one way or the other about it being just me, or me and the husband. I also didnt tell him that I was uncomfortable about the whole thing. I know that I should try not to be so bitter, but I am finding that to be extremely difficult seeing that he is still cheating on my mom, claiming to be “working on his marriage” and also seeing that he has not contacted in like months.

Any godly advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated. I’ve never been put in a situation like this… and am not sure what the “appropriate” or “godly” way to handle this would be.

 

[etteluap70PC]

Just tell your dad that you are still verry upset with all that is hapening and that you will go to dinner but need the support of your husband being with you. If he can not understand or deal with that well then I guess you allready know the rest....

 

[wadesgirl]

So sorry to hear this but you do need to realize that your dad is human and will make mistakes. And as bad as it sounds, this kind of thing happens all the time, he's not the only one going through it.

Go to dinner with him, he may need some support himself.

 

[lkprescott]

Don't know if my advice is godly or not but perhaps what may work is not a face to face as he would like - sounds like he wants to explain his side perhaps and clear the air with you. Perhaps you may want to put your thoughts and feelings down on paper... get it out and write him a letter. This will do two things... it will help you process your own emotions about this and will convey your feelings to him.Dinner sounds like a noble gesture but it's rarely a good idea when folks are looking at having a heart to heart or a conversation that could turn emotional... perhaps if you open up your heart to him, he'll do the same in turn and the best part about letters... you have time to process the information, emote and return the communication. Your dad is human, he screwed up it sounds but he's still your dad. He cheated on your mom, not you... you are a separate person who may feel torn if you are to hear both sides, perhaps like you'll have to choose? Or if you listen to him will validate his feelings and dis your mom's? Just guessing... but you may just need to figure out your own emotions and feelings, separate from your mom's and figure out a comfortable way to have a heart to heart. It may do you both some good.. Regardless of what happens between your mom and he, you can still have a relationship that doesn't 'pick sides'... and well, he has the answers to questions you may have... questions that may help you process this whole thing too... Just some things to consider..

 

[PampChefJoy]

I have BTDT similarly, and while you may be angry with him... recognize that this is an opportunity where he is reaching out to you... he may have good reasons (in his mind) for not having made contact until now... Definitely take hubby if it makes you feel more secure (I would!) and try to keep an open mind, or if nothing else, try not to close down communications entirely. If it gets to be too much, just say so, and tell him you'd rather discuss it at another time.

Whatever he has to say, try to keep the focus on you and him and your relationship... that's what you need to maintain... if he wants to bring up what happened with you mom, tell him that's not what you're there to discuss - kinda like a don't get in the middle of it thing (not that you're not already totally in the middle of it! - but it's probably best to avoid finger pointing and blame and excuses and whatnot....).

Good luck and HUGS!

 

[chefann]

If you are uncomfortable going alone, take your husband. I know that when I receive invitations from family, I assume the "you" (as in, "I'd like to take you to dinner") is the plural and means both of us. You can always make that claim if something is said.I agree that your parents each have their own side to this situation, and in order to make an informed decision, you need to hear both sides. At least by going to dinner with your dad it'll be in a public place.

 

[jbachen]

I went through a similar situation with my Dad, so if you want to talk I am here. Unfortunately, it happened when I was 12, so there was a lot that I was thrown into understanding that I was not ready to understand. And, unfortunately, my father never got back in touch until my mother died, when I was 29, and he realized he was our remaining parent, so at least your father seems to be realizing he cares about you sooner than mine did...I think wadesgirl's answer is a very forgiving way to handle the situation, but I am not sure if I could bring myself to think of the situation that way. Yes, he is human, and yes, not perfect, but when claiming to work on the marriage while continuing to "make mistakes", I feel there is not much sincerity there. Sorry if it sounds like I am instigating something with this statement. I agree with Paulette - tell him you will go to dinner with him, but will bring your husband along for support. If he will not accept that, don't go. As divine as it is to be forgiving, if you say you forgive him before you actually do, then it is not fair to either of you. He did something that caused a lot of hurt and pain, and he should not take your forgiveness for granted. He should allow you to deal with the situation as you need to deal with it, on your own terms, and if he cannot do that, then you go from there. Good luck... I hope this helped. I am here if you want to talk.

 

[wadesgirl]

I went through a similar situation with my Dad, so if you want to talk I am here. Unfortunately, it happened when I was 12, so there was a lot that I was thrown into understanding that I was not ready to understand. And, unfortunately, my father never got back in touch until my mother died, when I was 29, and he realized he was our remaining parent, so at least your father seems to be realizing he cares about you sooner than mine did...

I think wadesgirl's answer is a very forgiving way to handle the situation, but I am not sure if I could bring myself to think of the situation that way. Yes, he is human, and yes, not perfect, but when claiming to work on the marriage while continuing to "make mistakes", I feel there is not much sincerity there. Sorry if it sounds like I am instigating something with this statement.

I agree with Paulette - tell him you will go to dinner with him, but will bring your husband along for support. If he will not accept that, don't go. As divine as it is to be forgiving, if you say you forgive him before you actually do, then it is not fair to either of you. He did something that caused a lot of hurt and pain, and he should not take your forgiveness for granted. He should allow you to deal with the situation as you need to deal with it, on your own terms, and if he cannot do that, then you go from there.

Good luck... I hope this helped. I am here if you want to talk.

Your not instigating, I was more pointing out since she doesn't know what he wants to talk about, she should go. But then again there is that old saying "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". I know how it feels to have a parent who isn't the best person in the world and I know how it feels to have them in and out of your life. And I know how it feels to have to let a loved one go because they are not a good influence in your life. But go talk to him, see what he has to say. There are two sides to every story. And he is your father and will always be your father. Trust me, having to let go of a parent isn't something you wish on your worst enemy. It's a horribly hard thing to deal with and I still deal with it on a day to day basis and wish for the day that I can have my "parent" back in my life but right now is not the good time.

Trust your gut and lean on your DH for support. And if you have someone else you can talk to, to get some of your feelings out, it may be a good thing also. I know my brother still struggles with things that we went through as children. He just keeps them all bottled up inside where I have had plently of opportunities to air my feelings to a trusted adult/counselor.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Your situation sounds like my life story - except mine started when I was 10.

If you can, buy or borrow a copy of this book called "Adult Children of Legal or Emotional Divorce" by Jim Conway http://www.amazon.com/dp/0830817387/?tag=pfamazon01-20

This is an excellent book and helps me so much with how I relate to my Dad.

Someone already posted this but it bears repeating - He is your father, and will always be your father - so although it hurts, and can be totally appropriate to step away from the relationship for a while, you will need help in learning to forgive, and to forge some kind of relationship with him - even if it's a different relationship then the past. The sense of betrayal and loss can seem overwhelming, I know.

I'll be praying for you with this situation - and I agree - take your hubby with you - if only to squeeze your hand under the table so you aren't alone.

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

 

[Tanoi]

I've been through that (unfortunately many times over) with my mom, and I know how hard it can be. I would personally tell your dad that you can only agree to dinner if your husband can be present. I had to go through most of mine alone, but now that I have my husband as my rock, I would never do something like that without him there to help support me.

As far as doing it in public, that can be a good or bad thing. I know I'm emotional, so that probably wouldn't work for me, but if you go in strong headed, a public place might be best.

I know that this is hard. Like I said, I went through that from the 4th grade up until only a couple of years ago (at least that I know of), and I'm always afraid it will happen again. If you need someone to talk to, I am a good listener. Sometimes I know that's all that is needed, just to get everything out. Sending lots and lots of hugs.

 

[rennea]

I know what your going through, look up dysfunctional family in the dictionary and you’ll see my families photo. But it was my Mom instead. I think you already have been given really good advice from those above me here. But will say again, no matter what has happened he is still your Dad. I think dinner is a good idea, I myself would go alone. My dad would feel more comfortable just talking to me alone. I would be more likely to get the whole story that way. (if you really want the whole story). Good luck with whatever you choose and I hope it works out for you and you can have a good relationship with your Dad after this.

 

[chefsteph07]

2 yrs ago, my father in law had an affair and divorced my mother in law. (he instigated the divorce)
The kids (there are 4, including my dh) have tried to put things behind them and have separate relationships w/ the parents. So far it is working well.
Their attitude is, although he treated their mother poorly, it is BETWEEN THEM. It is their marriage, their issues, they are all adults now (I can see how the views would be different if this happened as a child) and have their own lives.
You can have your opinion since they are your parents, but that's about as far as it should go to be honest. As long as the dad isn't treating the children any differently, this issue needs to be worked out between the two of them instead of dragging family in to possiblly choose sides.
As for the dinner, I would go as his daughter. He may want to explain things to you, and you should listen and not judge. That's only my opinon, but that's being on the side of seeing it from my family point of view as going through it w/ my dh. I let him deal w/ it and I am here for him, but I would never go to a dinner that was requested by his dad w/o being invited. What dad has to say he can say in front of dh, I understand that, but dh is not his son...
Good luck w/ your decision...

 

[khergatt]

I would probably go, listen openly, and then remember that there are 3 sides to every situation.

There is his side, her side, and what really happened.

Good luck!

 

[stacywhitlow]

2 yrs ago, my father in law had an affair and divorced my mother in law. (he instigated the divorce)
The kids (there are 4, including my dh) have tried to put things behind them and have separate relationships w/ the parents. So far it is working well.
Their attitude is, although he treated their mother poorly, it is BETWEEN THEM. It is their marriage, their issues, they are all adults now (I can see how the views would be different if this happened as a child) and have their own lives.
You can have your opinion since they are your parents, but that's about as far as it should go to be honest. As long as the dad isn't treating the children any differently, this issue needs to be worked out between the two of them instead of dragging family in to possiblly choose sides.
As for the dinner, I would go as his daughter. He may want to explain things to you, and you should listen and not judge. That's only my opinon, but that's being on the side of seeing it from my family point of view as going through it w/ my dh. I let him deal w/ it and I am here for him, but I would never go to a dinner that was requested by his dad w/o being invited. What dad has to say he can say in front of dh, I understand that, but dh is not his son...
Good luck w/ your decision...

Well said. I agree with this.

 

[missiemom]

I have been dealing with this same situation for 3 years now. My parents have officially been divorced for 1. I think you owe it to yourself to hear what he has to say. Try to go without any judgement in your heart and just listen. I am not saying you have to believe him or take sides but I think you will regret it later in life. My dad hasn't bothered to do that with my brother & I. It's not that we were to young because at the time I was 27 & my brother was 25. He just never bothered or cared enough to explain. He was to busy with the new girlfriend. And then when they broke up after a year he couldn't figure out why we didn't welcome him back into our lives with open arms. I think that's part of the reason neither one of us can stand to be around him. Plus now to me it feels like it's too late to care about his side of the story. To me and a couple other family members he burned a bridge and it's going to take a long time to rebuild it. At this point in my life and taking into consideration all the hurtful things he has said & done in my life I don't care if that bridge ever gets rebuilt. No one else can judge your situation unless they have lived it. Take into consideration your feelings and (this is going to sound bad) not his. He didn't care about anyone else's feelings when he got himself a girlfriend.

 

[Rebeccascabinet]

I have BTDT similarly, and while you may be angry with him... recognize that this is an opportunity where he is reaching out to you... he may have good reasons (in his mind) for not having made contact until now... Definitely take hubby if it makes you feel more secure (I would!) and try to keep an open mind, or if nothing else, try not to close down communications entirely. If it gets to be too much, just say so, and tell him you'd rather discuss it at another time.Whatever he has to say, try to keep the focus on you and him and your relationship... that's what you need to maintain... if he wants to bring up what happened with you mom, tell him that's not what you're there to discuss - kinda like a don't get in the middle of it thing (not that you're not already totally in the middle of it! - but it's probably best to avoid finger pointing and blame and excuses and whatnot....).I agree with Joy, keep it focused on your realtionship with him. Try not to finger point, blame, etc. I know as humans none of us are perfect and some decisons have greater consequences (like adultry). If you keep it focused on healing the father/daughter relationship I think it'll help get you started on the road to forgiveness.
This is just my opinion, but hope it helps.

 

[Rebeccascabinet]

Sorry, meant to quote Joy in my last post.

 

[cathyskitchen]

Oh Brandi, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. My parents went through something similar when I was in middle school (yay, raging hormones and cheating dad!) .

It has been a long time since everything went down with my parents, and I'm happy to report that after a long time of therapy and counselor visits, they are did not divorce and have been married happily (well, mostly!) for over 40 years now. In retrospect, I'm glad I kept a relationship with my father during the tough times. He was still my father, no matter what happened with his relationship with my mother, and I needed to know that he would still be there for me no matter what. I hated what he did to my mom and to the rest of us (me, sis and bro), but I knew he was a person who was flawed, just like the rest of us, and he needed his family (me) just like I would have.

As an adult, it is easy to see in hindsight, but while you are going through it, I know how painful and hurtful it is just to see him. If you can't handle it right now, that's ok - tell him that. He needs to know how much he's hurt all of you (not just your mom). But, if you want a healthy relationship with men in your life, and specifically your father, then you need to be able to see him for the flawed person that he is. It's a hard thing to realize, especially if you idolize your father like I did (and still do now that I'm over everything), but it's important for all of your adult relationships going forward.

Again, I speak from experience. I have a good friend who's father abandoned her as a child and treated her like dirt. Guess how every man in her life treats her now? Yep, you guessed it - she's a doormat. I pray every day that the damage her father did can be reversed so she can have a healthy male relationship in her life, but as we reach our 40th birthdays this year, my hopes grow weak.

I hope you can find it in your heart to have your father in your life in some way that is healthy for all of you. Lots of love and hugs going out to your mom and your family as you go through this terrible ordeal. (((HUGS)))!

 

[debbieskitchenhelper]

I am really sorry that you have been hurt and put in the middle so to speak. I agree with what everyone else has posted so far. So far you have heard your mom's side and yes she is hurt and you have been there for her but your dad has a side too. There always two sides to everything. Be patient, try to be understanding and go to dinner with her with an open mind. Take your hubby if you need to. We only have one set of parents in this life. Both of mine are gone now and I miss them very very much. I would give anything to have them back again or to be able to talk to them.

Good luck in whatever decision you make. Everyone has given you some great advice.