Struggling with a Difficult Spouse: Seeking Solutions and Support

[wadesgirl]

I just don't know what to do any more with my husband! I normally don't share much personal stuff online but I have no where else to turn (my family probably all thinks I'm crazy by now!). A little back story, I almost left my husband last year. He started having panic attacks and the doctor put him on some medication that was an emergency only kind of med that he started taking mulitple times a day which turned him into a completely different person. He became angry and I got scared. I actually did leave him 2 days before Christmas but came back the next day.

So fast forward to this year... We started counseling earlier this year because it was one of the things I told him we needed to do in order for me to stay. Then the summer hit and we (mainly I) got busy and never went back. For the past month all he has done is accuse me of being up to no good, sneaking around, never being home, lying to him, hiding things from him, etc. He started snooping in my cell phone and has "confronted" me several times about apparently inappropriate messages that were actually nothing (one about how happy he was picking me up after I came back from a trip - duh, who else picked me up from the airport!). I'm trying to deal with this but I don't know what to do any more. Last night it all came about because I bought a halloween costume (first time in my adult life) for a few things I'm doing this year. One is with my sister, one is with my workout program and the other is possibly a party my aunt is throwing. I have told him all about it and he accused me last night of doing things without him and not inviting him! He said he's sick of being home alone (I've been home every night this week) and sick of me not telling him things. He thinks I have the same feelings about leaving like I did last year, which is not true but with my sister going through a divorce right now all he thinks I'm going to do is follow in her footsteps. This is eating me alive! I'm all about "for better or worse" but what about my own sanity? I asked him last night if he wanted to start going back to counseling and he said no. Today I'm going to see if he wants to talk to his doctor about possibly being depressed. That's the only thing I can think of. I cannot do this by myself yet all he is doing is pushing me away!

Just thought I would see if I could get some prayers sent our way! I'm sitting here at work and cannot function or do anything right now!

 

[chefcharity]

:-( Prayers for you, Wadesgirl! I'm sorry you are going through this. Good luck

 

[babywings76]

So sorry you are going through this. I think you're on the right track with getting him to see his doctor. You're right, going back to counseling might also be a good idea, will he definitely not go back to it? I'll keep you in my prayers! Hugs!!!!

 

[legacypc46]

Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

 

[lesliec]

I'll be praying for you. Marriage is hard.

 

[SPAMSTIME]

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[mountainmama74]

I'm sorry you're going through this! You'll be in my thoughts.

 

[Bren706]

Praying for you, wadesgirl.

 

[cmdtrgd]

Whether or not you two don't go back to counseling, you need to go by yourself. You need the skills to deal with what he is going through and putting you through. You need someone outside of the situation, with the proper training, that can help you make rational decisions.I've gone through similar situations with my brother when we were both teenagers and recently with Husband. He was hospitalized last year due to depression and suicide and it has been difficult. I am lucky that he is working hard to get himself better as well as making sure we are doing well. It would be so much more difficult to go through if he wasn't willing to work and if I wasn't willing to support him and work on myself. We both have therapists - different ones with different specialties. I am actually seeing one who specializes in diabetes because my stress is keeping me on insulin and keeping me from getting my numbers down. That's another story

 

[wadesgirl]

Whether or not you two don't go back to counseling, you need to go by yourself. You need the skills to deal with what he is going through and putting you through. You need someone outside of the situation, with the proper training, that can help you make rational decisions.

I've gone through similar situations with my brother when we were both teenagers and recently with Husband. He was hospitalized last year due to depression and suicide and it has been difficult. I am lucky that he is working hard to get himself better as well as making sure we are doing well. It would be so much more difficult to go through if he wasn't willing to work and if I wasn't willing to support him and work on myself. We both have therapists - different ones with different specialties. I am actually seeing one who specializes in diabetes because my stress is keeping me on insulin and keeping me from getting my numbers down. That's another story

Guess I never thought about going by myself. I did suggest at break that he should go to his doctor and he said no - what he said this morning he didn't mean. I don't even remember what he was talking about probably because I was half asleep. But I told him that it wasn't just this morning, it's been the past weeks or even months. I did also suggest that he see the medical therapist that our marriage counselor suggested. Most of our problems stem from his medical issues he dealt with last year. He didn't want that either. So I'm working on him but I think I'll see who I can find for myself right now.

 

[cookinfletch]

I definitely agree that you should go to a counselor yourself, possibly even if you get him to go to couples counseling. At best, he is going through some mental health (or physical?) issues, at worst, he may be abusive. I hope things work out for you, & I will definitely keep you in my prayers!

 

[wadesgirl]

I definitely agree that you should go to a counselor yourself, possibly even if you get him to go to couples counseling. At best, he is going through some mental health (or physical?) issues, at worst, he may be abusive. I hope things work out for you, & I will definitely keep you in my prayers!

Lately no abuse but last year he scared me pretty good with verbal abuse. I knew any second he could turn physically abusive and that's why I left him. Once we got him off his meds he was self medicating with he became a lot better.

 

[Shell Northway]

hold youir ground and keep your head up. Take care of yourself and be as supportive as you can be without putting yourself in a dangerous situation. All you can offer is your ear and support. I have dealt with depression myself and until I went to the Dr. and gotten the help I needed I was useless to everyone. They were there for me but I wasn't. He is the only one who can help himself, you take care of yourself and you should have your happy ending. Good Luck.

 

[wadesgirl]

hold youir ground and keep your head up. Take care of yourself and be as supportive as you can be without putting yourself in a dangerous situation. All you can offer is your ear and support. I have dealt with depression myself and until I went to the Dr. and gotten the help I needed I was useless to everyone. They were there for me but I wasn't. He is the only one who can help himself, you take care of yourself and you should have your happy ending. Good Luck.

Thank you! I just got off medication for myself two months ago. I was on them for over 2 years and although the doctor wanted to take me off them last year I knew I needed to stay on them with everything we were going through. I finally sought help for myself after battling depression since I was a teenager.

 

[KCPChef]

You will be in my prayers! This is a poem that I have come to love when I have troubles in my life. I hope that it helps you some! All things are possible if you believe. I wish you all the best with your situation!
** THE WILL OF GOD **

The will of God will never take you,
Where the grace of God cannot keep you.
Where the arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you,
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

 

[Shell Northway]

You know yourself bests. You are in my thoughts, good luck and stay positive and true to yourself.

 

[Paula R. Lewis]

Counseling is all well and good, and I think you've been given some really great advice here, but I'd like to add one more thing. Based on your description of your husband's behavior, it sounds like he also needs a complete physical, to rule out any physical problems that could cause such drastic mood swings. I wouldn't put it off, if I were you, as it may be something totally treatable that may be getting overlooked right now.

My prayer is that our Heavenly Father will grant you the wisdom you need as you ask Him to provide it, to deal with whatever needs to happen. Just ask Him, as He will definitely show you the path you need to take!!

I'll pray, too! Please keep us posted. It really is wonderful to have a forum such as this, where you can find so many caring people!

Blessings,
Paula

 

[flemings99]

Hang in there. I almost left my husband a 1 1/2 yrs ago but stuck it out and things are better. So glad that I didn't throw it all away.

Will keep you in my thoughts/prayers.

 

[wadesgirl]

Counseling is all well and good, and I think you've been given some really great advice here, but I'd like to add one more thing. Based on your description of your husband's behavior, it sounds like he also needs a complete physical, to rule out any physical problems that could cause such drastic mood swings. I wouldn't put it off, if I were you, as it may be something totally treatable that may be getting overlooked right now.

My prayer is that our Heavenly Father will grant you the wisdom you need as you ask Him to provide it, to deal with whatever needs to happen. Just ask Him, as He will definitely show you the path you need to take!!

I'll pray, too! Please keep us posted. It really is wonderful to have a forum such as this, where you can find so many caring people!

Blessings,
Paula

That's what I did last year to him when he started having his panic attacks. That's how we found out he has two partially clogged (like 30%) arteries in his heart. We've been through the ringer with that whole ordeal and the worst is he's acted like they told him he had 30 days to live and I'm the bad guy for not taking it so serious! Guess that's the man in him and the woman in me!

 

[wadesgirl]

By the way thank you everyone for all your kind thoughts! I know I'm strong and I'll make it through this one way or another!

 

[Nanisu]

My son had a nervous breakdown in January and is on depression meds--and we go to counseling to help him deal with it and to help ourselves deal with it. People don't (can't) think clearly when they are depressed--and it affects them and everyone around them. I urge you to go to counseling for all of the reasons mentioned in previous posts but also because you need to have at least one of you with a clear perspective. Prayers.

 

[Chefgirl2]

A year ago June I was floored by my husband words. Counseling made me realise that I can do almost anything if I make a plan. I went back to work 2-4 days a week at my sister's law firm while doing PC full time. I learned new skills that I never attempted to try because I was told it was too difficult. Even today I faced a new challenge and came out on top by finally balancing the general ledger!! This summer I promoted to Advanced Director, and I have some awesome developing leaders. Last month my team made me more money than my own sales brought me. That was a first, and an eye opener. I realised that I could focus on my dreams and not working to just pay the bills. This morning I started working only one day a week at the office so I can keep my focus on building a strong Pampered Chef (Executive Director) team! I'm dreamimg big!!

My husband went to couple's counseling for a few months. He also made some huge changes in his attitude and lifestyle...and now I'm starting to like him again.

I agree that your husband might need a physical...but either way you need to take care of yourself and be able to stand strong.

 

[Intrepid_Chef]

W.G. I'm really sorry for all you've gone through. Praying God gives you clarity.

I know my experience is not the same, but my roomate is bipolar, and many of my friends have mental illness. I know it's the illness causing their self-centeredness, but sometimes it's REALLY hard to take ... especially on days that it feels like nobody cares about my feelings and nothing matters but them! OH and I've "lost" small and large sums of money in the past year (most recently an envelope containing $150 cash and $30 in checks from a recent fair) and it is SO HARD not to blame my roomate's criminal past!

I'm glad he's on proper medications and I agree a full workup is in order. It's an illness just like diabetes. I took a "Family to Family" education program offered by the local NAMI chapter and this has seemed to help. HUGS. Contact NAMI and see what they can do to help.

 

[Teresa Lynn]

Wadesgirl,
Sending you hugs and prayers sweetie. I agree get him back to his Dr. & NEVER stay if you think you are in danger!!!I honestly think my husband went thru a depression and his solution was to find a mistress which destroyed our marriage. KCPChef.. I'd like to post the prayer to my FB status with your permission. It was powerful,

 

[raebates]

Praying. I can't imagine how frustrated you must be.

 

[wadesgirl]

Thanks again everyone! Today seems to be a better day. He is still refusing any help but seems to be in a better mood. I don't know how long that will last. I will not be home tonight or tomorrow and sometimes that sets him off because he feels like I don't want to be home so I try to be gone as much as I can

 

[sherri lynn]

My prayers are with you. Hoping things will get better, slowly. I agree with the above posts in regards to getting counseling for yourself. May you find peace within yourself!

 

[minirottie]

Prayers for you and that he'll soon see the need to get the help he needs. In the meantime, you continue to be strong

 

[wadesgirl]

Please keep praying! Last night was another hard night! I told him he needed to go see his doctor in the midst of everything else going on. To which he replied "what am I supposed to tell him, that all my issues are due to you?". I went to bed last night questioning my life as is (no not as in ending my life - just questioning things). I pictured myself by now settle down in a house somewhere out of the city, having a family, etc. I do not see that with my husband although we talk about it. I'm lost and confused. I'm looking into getting a counselor by myself but I know I cannot just tell him that's what I'm doing. That would cause more issues but I cannot come up with anything else to tell him!

One of the biggest issues I have with my husband is that he is a worrier. Part of our issue last night was about FB. He heard something on the radio yesterday about how FB is just a gateway to cheating (really for about 2% of the population?!) and instead of just talking to me about it, he storms off into a hissy fit. I probably would have taken it better had he just talked to me about it but a 40 year old temper tantrum is not accetable in my book. He's been listening to the guys at work - one of them who told him he forbid his wife to be on FB! Yah like that does any good - if she wants to be on there all she's probably doing is going behind his back! He doesn't see I use FB for business and family stuff. I do have friends from high school (some male) but that doesn't mean just because we are friends that we talk. I tried to explain to him that sometimes people friend you, you check their pictures to see what they've been up to and you sort of forget you are friends with them! I have a ton of people on FB like that. I showed him all my friends and told him who they were. Even though a majority are family and PC relationships he shut those out and all he heard was what he wanted to hear (a guy I went to school with). Of course the means I'm up to no good on FB! UGH!!

 

[pampered1224]

Sweety - you have the RIGHT to tell him he either gets help or you are out of there. You need to do last year all over again. You set up a plan, make sure you have money somewhere and a place to go. Even if you need to check out local shelters for abused women. No kidding here! Do it now so you know where to go if he refuses to get help. Mental diseases, even depression ebb. they come and they go. And each time they come, it is worse than the time before. Never wait until the abuse escalates to far. Oh and I have a friend who has a paranoid disorder. They used to call it paranoid schizophrenia and it is dangerous! The accusations and all this weird crap you say he is doing sounds just like my friend. And it does become physically abusive as it gets worse. He sounds as if he is seeing things in your life that are not there. Like some one else picking you up at the airport! The next thing he will accuse you of because you are "leaving him home alone" is an affair. Mark my words! My prayers are with you but you need to protect yourself. Not him. If he will not go for help, see if you can get him committed. No kidding here either!

 

[cookinfletch]

I'm with John about telling him to get help or get out of there. It sounds like it could be escalating. Even if there is a physical illness involved, your safety could be at risk- very soon. We are all praying for you!