Not Pampered Chef Related-Need Parenting Advice!

[pamela]

My son is 11. He is a very smart kid (is in a "gifted" program at school) and has always been the less challenging of the 2 kids to parent. Well, we have hit the "tween" stage and hard. In the last 2 months, he has become surly, lazy, grades are all B's because his attitude is "why do more when I already get decent grades". His teacher is at her wits end with him, and so are we. He is forgetting projects that he has more than adequate time to complete. He is just making me crazy!
He had a difficult time the first 9 weeks of school and we had a come to Jesus meeting with him and threatend that all extra-cirricular (sp?) activites would do. He straightened up and was proud of himself for doing better with his grades. Then we saw the slide downward again and he is not responding to anything we say or do. Baseball season is going strong and that would be the one thing to take away to get his attention, but I don't know if that would work for or against us right now.

Any advice from Mom's that have been through this would certainly be welcome at this point. The good news is that his sister, who is 8, has taken time off from her attitude issues so at least we don't have to deal with both right now!

 

[BethCooks4U]

Take a breath and pick your fights. This too will pass. What are his goals? Is there someone he admires that might get him back on track?

I've been there with 5 sons. Most likely what you want and what you say won't matter right now to him but, if there's a mentor at school or his team that he really respects, it would be more likely he would hear if they say the same things.

My sons could have been top in their classes but they chose not to do the work to get there. All are successful in their lives (some are still young so that's relative but all but one are totally on their own) and they are happy. They are working toward their goals and have no regrets.

We did have a rule that if their grade point average wasn't 3.0 or better they could not get their driver's license and we did stick to that for all of them. Tom (the youngest) was the only one to get his license by 16. The others buckled down once their friends were driving - you'd have thought the middle ones would have learned from the older but no...

 

[finley1991]

I'm not a parent so bear with me...What we recognize gets repeated... so if you're recognizing the bad stuff... that will be repeated. Ignore that and constantly and lavishly praise him for the things well done.Also, I agree with Beth... there needs to be certain consequences if certain standards are not met. Grades slip... less tv, computer and video game time (if that is applicable). Think of other things that will "sting." Also, chart it and put it up on display. Have the rules and consequences in writing and in plain view so there are no "misunderstandings."But like I said, I'm not a parent but I have these rules with my nieces and nephews. Their parents do not understand how the kids are so good with me and not with them. And the rules are not that intense. They just know that if they act a certain way, they don't get certain privileges. With that though, there needs to be rewards too.. if someone great happens, 10 more minutes computer time, etc. Just keep it so there are some rewards and not all punishment. Rewards (just like for consultants!) are for those who go above and beyond the standards. Punishment (not like for consultants!) are for those who drop below the standards.Hope that helps a little...

 

[pamela]

it is so interesting the things you can find out when you ask pointed questions! When DS came home today, I started our conversation with
" I am worried about you". He wanted to know if I was mad-worried or scared-worried! I told him scared-worried and that relieved some of his stress. I asked him what specifically was going on in school that was causing him to act so irresponsibly and through listening to him I found that he is feeling picked-on by 2 kids in his reading group. There have been problems with these 2 kids previously (the girl actually hit him and threw his books across the bus earlier in the year~she has some serious home life issues that tend to make her act out). I wrote everything he said down and plan to talk to his teacher about it. Then we discussed his attitude and laziness with home and school work...he feels like he has never gotten organized and can't catch up now. I am going to have the guidance counselor hep me with this as that is one of her strengths. We talked about how he needs to act more caringly toward his family and that part of being in this family is being kind and doing what you are asked, when you are asked.
I appreciate the input from you ladies and will definetly WRITE ALL OF MY EXPECTATIONS down for him!

 

[pamperedbecky]

it is so interesting the things you can find out when you ask pointed questions! When DS came home today, I started our conversation with
" I am worried about you". He wanted to know if I was mad-worried or scared-worried! I told him scared-worried and that relieved some of his stress. I asked him what specifically was going on in school that was causing him to act so irresponsibly and through listening to him I found that he is feeling picked-on by 2 kids in his reading group. There have been problems with these 2 kids previously (the girl actually hit him and threw his books across the bus earlier in the year~she has some serious home life issues that tend to make her act out). I wrote everything he said down and plan to talk to his teacher about it. Then we discussed his attitude and laziness with home and school work...he feels like he has never gotten organized and can't catch up now. I am going to have the guidance counselor hep me with this as that is one of her strengths. We talked about how he needs to act more caringly toward his family and that part of being in this family is being kind and doing what you are asked, when you are asked.
I appreciate the input from you ladies and will definetly WRITE ALL OF MY EXPECTATIONS down for him!

That is awesome Meg! Before reading the whole way through, the thoughts on my mind that I was going to post was about trying to listen and see if he'd open up. Or I guess that goes the other way around. It's great that he was willing to share that with you. And about feeling overwhelmed and not feeling like he can catch up. That's awesome that you now have something specific to take a look at!

 

[BethCooks4U]

It's obvious the kind of parenting he has! You need to be proud!:approve:

 

[pamela]

awww shucks, Beth!:blushing: thanks!

I was thinking while typing that post that it is a lesson for me~if I don't ask they won't offer info! So when I am at my shows this weekend, I plan to ask everyone to book a show and be a consultant!

We talked some more when DH got home and he had some insights to helping DS...DH is the shy quiet type and told DS that he had to get used to asking for what he wants. He said that he has found that when you ask for what you want, you usually get it! DS was upset about the other kids telling on him and feeling like he was being mean by telling his teacher what was happening from his perspective. He is a sensitive kid and thinks that he will be looked at poorly because he will be telling rather than being told on. It is tough learning these life lessons...I told him that every job I have ever had there was someone that was rude or thought they were better than others, or someone that won't pull their fair share. He needs to learn to deal with these kind of people sooner rather than later.
DH threatened to take baseball away from him if his attitude didn't improve and if he didn't at least try to be more organized with his school work, so he isn't out of the woods yet!