chefkristin
Gold Member
- 2,934
-
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Never-Ending Thread: A Place for Laughs and Jokes - Join the Fun!
- Thread starter The_Kitchen_Guy
- Start date
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
Amber, these are in your honour:A guy drives downtown to run an errand and parks his car. He is about a block away when he remembers he left his car unlocked and his bagpipes are on the back seat. He ran all the way back, as fast as he could but he was too late.
There was another set of bagpipes next to his.
------------------
Q: What's the definition of "Perfect Pitch?"
A: Someone who can toss a set of bagpipes into a pond without hitting any of the ducks.
------------------
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
------------------
Q: What do a cat and a set of bagpipes have in common?
A: They make the same noises when you squeeze them.
------------------
Q: What's the difference between bagpipes and onions?
A: People cry when they chop up onions.
------------------
Q: What's the difference between bagpipes and a trampoline?
A: People take their shoes off when they jump up and down on a trampoline.
------------------
Q: If you drop a set of bagpipes and an accordian off a 20 story building, which one hits the ground first?
A: Who cares?
------------------
Q: What is an accordian especially good for?
A: Kindling for a bagpipes fire.
------------------
Q: What does a true music lover have in common with a bagpiper?
A: Absolutely nothing.
------------------
Q: What does a long court case and a set of bagpipes have in common?
A: Everyone breathes a sigh of relief when the case is closed.
There was another set of bagpipes next to his.
------------------
Q: What's the definition of "Perfect Pitch?"
A: Someone who can toss a set of bagpipes into a pond without hitting any of the ducks.
------------------
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
------------------
Q: What do a cat and a set of bagpipes have in common?
A: They make the same noises when you squeeze them.
------------------
Q: What's the difference between bagpipes and onions?
A: People cry when they chop up onions.
------------------
Q: What's the difference between bagpipes and a trampoline?
A: People take their shoes off when they jump up and down on a trampoline.
------------------
Q: If you drop a set of bagpipes and an accordian off a 20 story building, which one hits the ground first?
A: Who cares?
------------------
Q: What is an accordian especially good for?
A: Kindling for a bagpipes fire.
------------------
Q: What does a true music lover have in common with a bagpiper?
A: Absolutely nothing.
------------------
Q: What does a long court case and a set of bagpipes have in common?
A: Everyone breathes a sigh of relief when the case is closed.
Last edited:
genburk
Silver Member
- 672
raebates
Staff member
- 18,357
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday !!! "
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday !!! "
BethCooks4U
Gold Member
- 13,010
A friend was driving down the road in his well worn car (dents and dings all over the car) when another car hit him. He spun round several times before coming to a stop. Jumping out of the car, he walked around it inspecting for damages. The other driver came over to him worried about what this would cost him in repairs. Our friend finished his inspection and said "Looks like no damage at all here!"
(Not as funny as most of the jokes here but this one is true.)
(Not as funny as most of the jokes here but this one is true.)
BethCooks4U
Gold Member
- 13,010
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:Dearest Wife,Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.Your Loving Husband.P.S. Sure is hot down here.
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.""But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist."I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
sillylittlechef
- 492
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
The brother who owned a convenience store - Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh
His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
His magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin - Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother - Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt - Tan Gogh
The dancer uncle - Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
The little nephew - Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van - Winniebay Gogh
His French aunt with a chronic backache - Lumbé Gogh
His Auto salesman cousin - Car Gogh
His melancholy Hoosier cousin - Indy Gogh
His nephew from a chain of islands near Little Rock - Arky Pella Gogh
His cowboy ancestor - Duran Gogh
His cowboy ancestor's great grandson's rock & roll group - Duran Duran Gogh
His blistered young cousin by marriage - Empeti Gogh
His lonely lovelorn sister Theycomeandthey Gogh
His cousin, the French chef, Escar Gogh
His favorite poet, the self centered, E. E. Gogh
Favorite breakfast treat: an eggogh
He preferred brushes that were ergogh-nomically correct
Person he hired to do chores: a goghpher
What happened when the above person stole his truck? they watched Vincent's van gogh pher down the road.
AND…
Recently, a Parisian burglar nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then make such an obvious error, he replied,
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
The brother who owned a convenience store - Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh
His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
His magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin - Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother - Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt - Tan Gogh
The dancer uncle - Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
The little nephew - Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van - Winniebay Gogh
His French aunt with a chronic backache - Lumbé Gogh
His Auto salesman cousin - Car Gogh
His melancholy Hoosier cousin - Indy Gogh
His nephew from a chain of islands near Little Rock - Arky Pella Gogh
His cowboy ancestor - Duran Gogh
His cowboy ancestor's great grandson's rock & roll group - Duran Duran Gogh
His blistered young cousin by marriage - Empeti Gogh
His lonely lovelorn sister Theycomeandthey Gogh
His cousin, the French chef, Escar Gogh
His favorite poet, the self centered, E. E. Gogh
Favorite breakfast treat: an eggogh
He preferred brushes that were ergogh-nomically correct
Person he hired to do chores: a goghpher
What happened when the above person stole his truck? they watched Vincent's van gogh pher down the road.
AND…
Recently, a Parisian burglar nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then make such an obvious error, he replied,
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
thechefofnorthbend
- 1,129
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as
you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
years.
You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You
may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but ***** since you got here."
you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
years.
You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You
may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but ***** since you got here."
thechefofnorthbend
- 1,129
WELL DONE, BRITISH AIRWAYS!
This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg, South Africa and London, England.
A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.
Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess. "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man.
I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please," the hostess replied. Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."
The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.
"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the Economy Class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in the First Class."
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued.
"It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the Economy Class to sit in the First Class.
However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting."
She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."
At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up and applauded.
This is a true story. If you are against racism, please send this message to all your friends; please do not delete it without sending it to at least one person.
WELL DONE, British Airways.
This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg, South Africa and London, England.
A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.
Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess. "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man.
I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please," the hostess replied. Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."
The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.
"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the Economy Class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in the First Class."
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued.
"It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the Economy Class to sit in the First Class.
However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting."
She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."
At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up and applauded.
This is a true story. If you are against racism, please send this message to all your friends; please do not delete it without sending it to at least one person.
WELL DONE, British Airways.
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
A couple of Minnesota hunters, Sven and Ole, are out in the woods when Sven falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.Ole whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend, Sven, is dead! What can I do?”The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Ole's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
Last edited:
yummy4tummy
- 662
50th Anniversary
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
"Hello? Funeral home?""Yes?""It's Ole. My wife Lena died.""Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?" "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." "Can you spell that for me?" "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
sillylittlechef
- 492
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
> She said, "I have some really great news!"
>
> I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
>
> She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, told me that she was pregnant!
>
> I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's
great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
>
> Then she said, "There's more."
>
> I asked," What do you mean 'more'?"
>
> She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We
are going to have TWINS!"
>
> Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked
her how she knew.
>
> She said.... (You're going to love this!)
>
> "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually > had
a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!".
>
>
driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
> She said, "I have some really great news!"
>
> I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
>
> She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, told me that she was pregnant!
>
> I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's
great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
>
> Then she said, "There's more."
>
> I asked," What do you mean 'more'?"
>
> She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We
are going to have TWINS!"
>
> Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked
her how she knew.
>
> She said.... (You're going to love this!)
>
> "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually > had
a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!".
>
>
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it.""Ummm, I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price and since we should trade-in the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.""Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and, well, I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie! Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I do too!"The man hangs up, closes the phone and raises his hand while holding the phone. He asks everyone in the locker room, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it.""Ummm, I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price and since we should trade-in the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.""Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and, well, I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie! Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I do too!"The man hangs up, closes the phone and raises his hand while holding the phone. He asks everyone in the locker room, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
chefann
Gold Member
- 22,111
Here's a true one that actually happened to a friend of my sister.
Scott stopped at a Krispy Kreme for doughnuts on his way into work one morning. He picked up 2 dozen and proceeded to work. Scott realized that he was running late, because of the stop at the doughnut shop, and decided to go a little (20 mph over the limit!) faster. He was pulled over by a cop.
the cop came to the window of the car, and asked for Scott's license and registration. He then asked Scott, "What's the big rush?"
Without a second thought, Scott replied, "I knew you were going to be here and I wanted to get these doughnuts to you as fast as possible."
The cop turned, and walked to his patrol car. A few minutes later, he returned, handed Scott his paperwork and told him, "Gimme those doughnuts and get out of here." No ticket!
Scott stopped at a Krispy Kreme for doughnuts on his way into work one morning. He picked up 2 dozen and proceeded to work. Scott realized that he was running late, because of the stop at the doughnut shop, and decided to go a little (20 mph over the limit!) faster. He was pulled over by a cop.
the cop came to the window of the car, and asked for Scott's license and registration. He then asked Scott, "What's the big rush?"
Without a second thought, Scott replied, "I knew you were going to be here and I wanted to get these doughnuts to you as fast as possible."
The cop turned, and walked to his patrol car. A few minutes later, he returned, handed Scott his paperwork and told him, "Gimme those doughnuts and get out of here." No ticket!
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
chefann
Gold Member
- 22,111
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
sillylittlechef
- 492
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds. AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift
wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her
robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds. AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift
wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her
robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
nikked
Gold Member
- 2,133
Politically Incorrect, but funny!I got this from my mom...I would never actually do this, because I might be arrested, but I have been stuck before...and it should will be nice to "picture" myself doing this when stuck again!
*******************************************
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train
follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
*******************************************
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train
follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
nikked
Gold Member
- 2,133
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
Nag, nag, nagWARNING! Adult Content Follows
-------------------------------
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after
all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs
to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed,"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP??!!"
-------------------------------
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after
all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs
to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed,"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP??!!"
pcchris
Silver Member
- 3,476
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen?Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?Driver: Yes, sir.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:Captain: Sir, may I see your license?Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.Captain: Whose car is this?Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...
Officer: May I see your driver's license?Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen?Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?Driver: Yes, sir.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:Captain: Sir, may I see your license?Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.Captain: Whose car is this?Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...
pcchris
Silver Member
- 3,476
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
A guy is really speeding when a cop tries to pull him over. The guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph with the cop in hot pursuit. After awhile, he realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."The guy says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you trying to bring her back!"
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
A cop stops a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But officer," the man says, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snaps the cop. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.""But, officer, I just wanted to say..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"A few hours later, the cop looks in on his prisoner and says, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Don't count on it," the guy says. "I'm the groom."
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
Kids and ChurchREASON TO KEEP QUIET IN CHURCH
A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"
WHY DOESN'T GOD ANSWER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her preacher father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his mesages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon."
"Well then, how come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
MORE FUN YELLING
After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
Surprised, his mother asked him how he reached this conclusion.
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
LETTER TO GOD
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.
One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."
PLAY BALL
A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.
Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"
GIVE HIM THE MONEY
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
A GOOD POINT
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"
WHY DOESN'T GOD ANSWER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her preacher father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his mesages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon."
"Well then, how come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
MORE FUN YELLING
After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
Surprised, his mother asked him how he reached this conclusion.
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
LETTER TO GOD
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.
One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."
PLAY BALL
A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.
Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"
GIVE HIM THE MONEY
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
A GOOD POINT
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
thechefofnorthbend
- 1,129
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT is why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it!!
Signed,
All Us Women
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT is why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it!!
Signed,
All Us Women
thechefofnorthbend
- 1,129
Words Women Use
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in
"Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"!
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to
a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.
"WHATEVER"
...it's a woman's way of saying *F___ YOU*!
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in
"Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"!
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to
a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.
"WHATEVER"
...it's a woman's way of saying *F___ YOU*!
thechefofnorthbend
- 1,129
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."
On opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups.
The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain went up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. The teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch, and fill your hole with soap!"
The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
The audience left howling.
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."
On opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups.
The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain went up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. The teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch, and fill your hole with soap!"
The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
The audience left howling.
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
Here ya go, Darby - the followup to your "Words" post:The rules for men:1. The female always makes the rules.2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.3. No male can possibly know all the rules.4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.5. The female is never wrong.6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
These are the diagnostic criteria for A. A. A. D. D., a newly-described, but serious disorder among the aging. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
These are the diagnostic criteria for A. A. A. D. D., a newly-described, but serious disorder among the aging. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
THINGS HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
------- ------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
------- ------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
Last edited:
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
An Open Letter to My Pets
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years---canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I can’t stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don’t smoke or drink
7. Don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions
8. Don’t wear your clothes
9. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years---canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I can’t stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don’t smoke or drink
7. Don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions
8. Don’t wear your clothes
9. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
thechefofnorthbend
- 1,129
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living
objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off;
it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are also an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong
Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and
are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them
to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft,
squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same
old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all
the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've
hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it
would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd
be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to
push, he just keeps trying
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living
objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off;
it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are also an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong
Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and
are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them
to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft,
squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same
old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all
the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've
hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it
would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd
be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to
push, he just keeps trying
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
Darby, you reminded me of this one, that has been floating around the Internet since before the graphic interface. (Your browser, in other words.) I remember first seeing this back in the text-only days of things like alt.rec.humor at clari.net.
-------------------
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. Unlike German or French where object have genders assigned (la maison or le crayon, die katze, der hundt or das messer) genders, in English, are more in popular usage.He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"?The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give five reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.The group of men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, for the following reasons:1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you really loved me, you'd know."4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
-------------------
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. Unlike German or French where object have genders assigned (la maison or le crayon, die katze, der hundt or das messer) genders, in English, are more in popular usage.He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"?The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give five reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.The group of men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, for the following reasons:1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you really loved me, you'd know."4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Last edited:
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a
very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Sh*t" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a
very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Sh*t" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
If _______ Made ToastersThis is another one that was going around the Internet in the pre-graphic era, and was well circulated at Cray Research, one of the places I did contract work in those days. Cray built the world's fastest Supercomputers, and their competition included Thinking Machines and a few others, but not many.
Some of these will only be funny to real geeks, many of you will have never heard of any of these companies, but some of them have aged quite well.
-----------------------------------
If _____ Made Toasters
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The sales clerks would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray Research made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have had an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster Vista would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would be cute, inoffensive, and idiot proof. It would work as soon as you plugged it in. It would only have one slot - but you could upgrade. It would be expensive but never require servicing or opening the box. Other companies would say that it was too simple to make real toast but secretly fire their design teams and headhunt the ex-Apple employees. Most importantly, it would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.
Some of these will only be funny to real geeks, many of you will have never heard of any of these companies, but some of them have aged quite well.
-----------------------------------
If _____ Made Toasters
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The sales clerks would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray Research made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have had an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster Vista would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would be cute, inoffensive, and idiot proof. It would work as soon as you plugged it in. It would only have one slot - but you could upgrade. It would be expensive but never require servicing or opening the box. Other companies would say that it was too simple to make real toast but secretly fire their design teams and headhunt the ex-Apple employees. Most importantly, it would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
Redneck Love Poem
Susie Lee Done Fell In Love
She Planned To Marry Joe
She Was So Happy 'bout It All
She Told Her Pappy So.
Pappy Told Her, Susie Gal,
You'll Have To Find Another.
I'd Just As Soon Yo' Ma Don't Know,
But Joe Is Yo' Half Brother.
So Susie Put Aside Her Joe
And Planned To Marry Will,
But After Telling Pappy This,
He Said, "there's Trouble Still.
You Can't Marry Will, My Gal,
And Please Don't Tell You' Mother,
But Will And Joe, And Several Mo'
I Know Is Yo' Half Brother.
But Mama Knew And Said, My Child,
Just Do What Makes Yo' Happy.
Marry Will Or Marry Joe.
You Ain't No Kin To Pappy.
Susie Lee Done Fell In Love
She Planned To Marry Joe
She Was So Happy 'bout It All
She Told Her Pappy So.
Pappy Told Her, Susie Gal,
You'll Have To Find Another.
I'd Just As Soon Yo' Ma Don't Know,
But Joe Is Yo' Half Brother.
So Susie Put Aside Her Joe
And Planned To Marry Will,
But After Telling Pappy This,
He Said, "there's Trouble Still.
You Can't Marry Will, My Gal,
And Please Don't Tell You' Mother,
But Will And Joe, And Several Mo'
I Know Is Yo' Half Brother.
But Mama Knew And Said, My Child,
Just Do What Makes Yo' Happy.
Marry Will Or Marry Joe.
You Ain't No Kin To Pappy.
The_Kitchen_Guy
Silver Member
- 12,458
If Microsoft Were Based Out of Alabama
Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
Occasionally you'd bring up a window covered with a Hefty bag
Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
The "Recycle Bin" in Winders would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart
Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
Excel spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
Instead of computer golf, the games of choice would be:
a. Interactive WWF Rasslin'
b. Beer bottle toss at road signs
c. Mud boggin'
d. Tobacca spittin' at insects
Instead of 'Virus Scan' it would be 'Lice Rinse'
Not config.sys and autoexec.bat, but `conjugate w/sis` and autoparts.bunch
Instead of error tones misstruck keys would be met with sound of `Aww Sheeit`
New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"
Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
Occasionally you'd bring up a window covered with a Hefty bag
Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
The "Recycle Bin" in Winders would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart
Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
Excel spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
Instead of computer golf, the games of choice would be:
a. Interactive WWF Rasslin'
b. Beer bottle toss at road signs
c. Mud boggin'
d. Tobacca spittin' at insects
Instead of 'Virus Scan' it would be 'Lice Rinse'
Not config.sys and autoexec.bat, but `conjugate w/sis` and autoparts.bunch
Instead of error tones misstruck keys would be met with sound of `Aww Sheeit`
New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"
chef_leeanne
Silver Member
- 437
THE CAT IN THE HAT ON AGING
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad, can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
have come at last
The Golden Years
can kiss my a**
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad, can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
have come at last
The Golden Years
can kiss my a**
<h2>1. What is Never-Ending Thread (NET)?</h2><p>Never-Ending Thread (NET) is a thread created on Pampered Chef's forum as a place for members to share their latest jokes without having to start a new thread every time.</p><h2>2. Why was NET created?</h2><p>NET was created to provide a designated space for members to share jokes and have a good laugh without cluttering the forum with multiple joke threads.</p><h2>3. Can anyone post in NET?</h2><p>Yes, anyone who is a member of Pampered Chef's forum can post in NET and contribute their jokes.</p><h2>4. Are there any guidelines for posting in NET?</h2><p>We ask that members keep the jokes appropriate and respectful. We also encourage members to use proper grammar and spelling when posting.</p><h2>5. Can jokes posted in NET be used in shows?</h2><p>It's possible that some jokes posted in NET may be used in shows, but it is not guaranteed. The purpose of NET is to provide a fun space for members to share jokes, not for the sole purpose of finding material for shows.</p>
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