Is My Husband's Financial Secrecy a Dealbreaker?

[apriljc]

My DH is driving me crazy. For instance he has a motorcyle that he has wanted to license but we didn't have the money to do it right now. He calls me today to read him the license plate number off to him so I do. I ask him if he is licensing it and he tells me yes. i asked him where he got the money to license it and he won't tell me, but yet he is talking to his dad and he knows. I call him later while he is at work and I ask him again where he got the money and he just tells me he will talk to me when he gets home. I was very demanding and he finally told me that he got it from his checking account that he has through work. It wouln't make me so mad but I just told him the other day that our son needed some things for school and he told me that we didn't have the money to buy it right now. He is the one who manages our money and right now he is not doing a very good job. I have credit card people, loan people, and etc that call our house and tell me that we still haven't paid them, I didn't know that. I am just so disgusted at him right now that I wonder if staying married to him is the thing to do. This isn't the first time we have been throught this. We have two children ages 6 and 4 and they love their daddy. I have tried talking to him about money and such before but he gets all mad at me and we end up in a huge fight.
I just don't know if it is worth it anyore. I do love him and I know he loves me back but I just don't know anymore. I am always asking the gals at my work place what I should do but they don't really help me. I need some advice and some prayers please.

 

[raebates]

You'll be in my prayers.

Since you asked for advice, I'll give you mine. Seek some counselling. If he won't go with you, go alone. Advice from friends, co-workers, and CS buddies/strangers is great, but it isn't a substitute for professional, impartial help.

Again, I'll be praying for you.

 

[amy07]

i'll second Rae.

 

[jasonmva]

April - I can totally relate where you are coming from and I agree with Rae - you might want to see a counselor. If for nothing else than to really have someone you can talk to and has the tools available to help you. I have been to some counselors for issues not necessarily related to my relationship but it was always comforting to talk to someone who was willing to work with me and not make me have to figure everything out on my own.

 

[jrstephens]

I think only you and God can make that decision. Do you go to church? You could try talking to your pastor. and maybe you both talking to him.

We on here can pray for you and be here to listen and be a shoulder but I do not think we are in the position to tell you what to do.

You will be in my prayers.

 

[MeesMom3]

Ok, I don't want to get too involved since it's hard to give someone advice you don't know personally, but I want to offer some help if I can.

First of all TONS of people have gone through something like this. So you are definitely not alone in this. And money is one if not THE leading cause of divorce in America. It truly can live up to that old saying that "money is the root of all evil". I agree with Rae, if you love your husband and he loves you and you have children involved you guys owe it to your family to try some counseling. There are also some great financial courses and counseling available. In fact, there are some people who travel to various places and offer budgeting courses. There was one here where I live at a local church not too long ago. I would maybe check online. I'll ask around to see who the person that taught the course here was and I'll get you that information when I get it. I will definitely be praying for you and your family. I remember hearing so many times before I got married that marriage TRULY is hard work. Now, eight years into my marriage, I found that is really is true. Hang in there, it WILL be ok. Was doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I know that you and your family can rise above this!

 

[dannyzmom]

April - I can totally relate where you are coming from and I agree with Rae - you might want to see a counselor. If for nothing else than to really have someone you can talk to and has the tools available to help you. I have been to some counselors for issues not necessarily related to my relationship but it was always comforting to talk to someone who was willing to work with me and not make me have to figure everything out on my own.

I am with Rae and Jason...the thing with a counselor vs. friends...is that a counselor is totally non-biased...where as your girlfriends are going to be biased...ywim?

 

[apriljc]

Thanks for the advice. Professional help has crossed my mind but I haven't realy sat down and thought about it. I also think that I am really stressed out too. I had a baby shower for my sister a few weeks ago, I started classes again and am not use to the studing, I am having Easter at my house with both sides of the family, about 30 people, and my FT job is really sucking right now. I just feel like I am by myself right now with noone helping me. My DH is also in school too and has class three night a week so when I get off of work I am home with the my two boys, who are always fighing and being boys, by myself. I am sorry if I am sounding selfish right now but I just have to get some of these issues off of my chest. My eyes right now are so blurry and dry from crying that I am going to shut up now. My mom had two nervous breakdowns and I sometimes wonder if I am having one too.

 

[jrstephens]

Goodness April, with all that you all have going on I would be crazy feeling too right now. I think you are entitled with all you have on your plate.

 

[janetupnorth]

I just saw this and please start by getting the "D-word" out of your mind and try help first.

I will preface these as my personal, Biblical beliefs so no one on the other side jumps down my throat and you can take them as you wish. I believe very strongly that the only time God has allowed us divorce Biblically is due to adultry. Money is one of the largest causes of stress, divorce, death, other things...it truly is the "root of all evil". Please do NOT consider divorce due to your financial situation.

Also, I am not judging here, just reading what you wrote. If your husband couldn't tell you where he got the money without you pestering him NUMEROUS times, there are definitely communication issues in the finance area. You two need to get some good financial counseling and get that communication working properly. Get a good budget on paper and STICK to it (yeah, easier said that done!)

Hang in there, and get some help before the stress breaks you. I'll be praying for you!

 

[mommyhugz1978]

I have to tend to agree with Rae and Jason... to seek some counseling, even if you go alone. At least you can talk to someone who will listen to you and suggest what would be the best way. I would also highly encourgage you and your Dh to seek financial counseling to help the both of you to get on the right track again. Sometimes local banks offer them you might want to check into that. I also would suggest to communicate with the lord and let him know your burdens becasue he will also direct you in the direction that will be healthy for you and your family. The awful D-word... especailly when you have childrne involved is not easy.. been their done that... I am married for the second time, going on four month. The best advice that was given to us that day, was to be each others best friend, no matter how hard things get you need to be able to lean on each other. I know that when my DH and I have a disagreement I can hear the minsters voice in my head saying to me like it was our wedding day all over again.. be each others best friend.

Keep your chin up, and I will be praying for you and I hope the stresslevels go down soon. I am in school full time... it's not easy to balance everything but take it one step at a time.

 

[DebbieSAChef]

ToughI know things are tough right now and it can be frustrating when one partner in a marriage seems selfish and unwilling to change but I agree on going to counseling. It's the best thing. Your husband may not want to go because he is probably well aware that he is one of the things you will be discussing with this counselor.
It's also good to do a self evaluation. Even though this specific situation is not your fault, there may be other things that will benefit you during this tough time. Maybe learning to be patient, humble and to have unconditional love. I know it can be tough, but divorce is such a drastic thing, I suggest you seek some help from a counselor, pastor, and prayer is great. I will definitely keep you in prayer.
Marriage vows are very serious things and even though money is one of the main reasons people divorce, I don't think it's worth it.

Debbie

 

[Brandie]

April--

I used to teach an adult real-life money management course. There are TONS of people like your husband out there! Many of them don't even realize what they are doing wrong, and that's part of what is so frustrating when their spouses bring up the issue of money management. I'm not sure you need marriage counseling; I think what you need is a competent advisor for your finances. Tell your husband that you want to see someone about financial planning (investing or whatnot) to get him to go--whatever you have to do. Find someone who will sit down with both of you, all of your bills, and your pay stubs and previous years' taxes, and really work to help you both budget.

BTW, my husband and I are spenders. We regularly have to keep one another in check. We used to get into huge fights about who spent what and why there wasn't enough left over, but we've gotten better at talking about it (and not spending it all!). When you get used to talking to one another about the finances in this way, it does get easier. My husband takes care of all our finances as well.

 

[apriljc]

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I do feel better that I have opened up and got some of these things off of my chest. I just talked to my DH on the phone and we are going to have a discussion when he gets home from class. I think we do need some financial counseling so I am going to look into that. I do know that most of our arguements are about money so I am also going to try harder on that too. I am on vaccation from my FT job until Monday so I am hoping that will be somewhat of a break from work and the gals there. I also went and picked up my oldest son from the bus and when he got in the car I gave him a big hug. My youngest son is at granpa's and grandma's and will be coming home later on and when I see him I will give him a hug as well. I think I need to go back to yoga, it helped me to relax before maybe it will help me this time too. Again thanks everyone for the great advice.

 

[pampermeplease]

April,

My hubby and I had the same problems.....many times in our life. What has worked well for us the past two years is he made his own (and I do mean made from scratch) budget program on the comp. We shared it through email even when he was all the way in Iraq for a year. When you start putting down every cent you spend on both ends (sheet for me, sheet for him, combined etc.) you start to feel more in control. It should be a joint effort though, or it won't work. I hope things get better for you and that you can sit down together to talk and come up with a plan. The biggest thing is to do it together! And if that doesn't work, there are free marriage retreats out there if you look in the right places (we just got back from one this last weekend--real eye opener even for those not having problems). Chin up.

Oh, and yes, we got a free financial advisor as well. Now we even have investments....believe me it's a huge turn around for us.

 

[chefjeanine]

Money is hard topic. So many of us have deep-seated emotional connections with money -- mostly because at some point in our lives we were troubled by lack a of funds.

As a married couple, I strongly suggest you handle your finances together. This can be a difficult and you probably aren't ready for this step. . .but for others who said that one or the other of you "handles the finances" please consider making it a team effort.

Both of you should know what's in the accounts. Both of you should know what is owed. Both of you should be able to pay the bills. Balance the checkbook TOGETHER (so much less of a hassle now with computer programs). As Mr. Rogers' Wife said, you may feel a lot more in control if you create a budget.

Prayer is a powerful tool. Pray that he will work with you on your family finances. I'll pray that you and your husband can come together on this and other issues.

 

[stephaniek]

I recently read a book titled Free and Clear : God's Road Map to Deb-Free Living, by Howard Dayton of Crown Financial Ministries. It was an excellent easy-reading book that "offers biblical money-management practices that will restore your financial health and refresh your spirit," in a step-by-step approach. The chapters are 5-12 pages in length and it is a relatively quick read. If your husband is willing to read this, it might help you both turn the corner, view money management in a different light, and work together toward financial freedom. The book can be ordered through the Crown website www.crown.org, or through an online bookstore. The cover price is only $12.99, and Howard Dayton has several other books on this subject. All the best to you and any others who could benefit from this!

 

[Kathytnt]

Sounds like you guys need a plan - You are both in school with kids and full time jobs and PC. Sounds like all of you are feeling overwhelmed and he feels the motorcycle is a reward. A nice idea but something you can't affor right now. The bills and things that the kids need for school have to come first. The two of you need to sit down, with a counselor if necessary, and figure things out. Does he know you are so frustrated that you are thinking about the D-word? I mean that is pretty frustrated. Although I am thinking that part if is that you are tired, frustrated and/or depressed.
I would take a smaller course load if possible - Is it too late to drop withour repercusions. I know how bad it is to work at a job that you don't like

I just want to give you a big hug (((HUG)))

 

[KellyTheChef]

http://www.marriageandmoney.org/?aid=YF07CCFE

I just got an email dealing with this subject and thought of your post. I pray that God will guide you and DH through this time in your life. Money can be such a pain in the behind! Good luck!

 

[janetupnorth]

Too funny Kelly - just came here to post the same thing because I just got that too...guess I know what organization that was from - LOL!