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Rant I Need Some Advice. I Have Tried for the Last 8 Years to Make This

not sure how to say it...a "taster" of one). I think it is a great idea, and something that would be a Godsend for you.
  • #51
Re: SeparationI'm going to chime in as well!
I definitely recommend the Gary Chapman book- it REALLY changed the way I treat my husband.
Also, my parents were married for 20 years and stayed together "for the sake of the children." They slept in different bedrooms and lived as roommates more than as husband and wife- but I have to say that I am FOREVER deeply deeply grateful that they stayed together for my brother and me. We really needed both of them while we were growing up. I had a wonderful childhood and knew that both of my parents loved me deeply. They never fought or were angry with each other- they just kind of stayed out of each other's way.
They divorced the year my brother graduated from high school. I was very very sad because deep down I always hoped and prayed that they would love each other again. But also, deep down, I knew that it was over long long long ago. They are both pretty happy now. My dad has remarried and my mother has a wonderful job and moved to FL.
Again- I am so so so so so grateful that they stayed together while I was growing up. I hope that doesn't make me sound selfish- but I really truly believe that children need their mommy AND daddy every day. I always tell my parents what wonderful parents they were and how grateful I am for how mature they were about the whole thing. I know not every story turns out as happy as mine did, but I just wanted to put that out there.I am so sorry you are going through a rough time in your marriage. I will pray for you and hope that things get better.
 
  • Thread starter
  • #52
Re: SeparationThere is lots to think about. Right now I am still not sure. We have been unhappy for a long time. He isn't putting in his share. I just want to be happy again.
 
  • #53
Re: Separation
JAE said:
Here's my two cents. My husband and I went through a rough patch a few years back. I wanted out sooo badly. I think God somehow convinced me that I would not be happier divorced. God hates divorce and there is a reason for that. I had to make a decision to stop focusing on my disappointments. I had to focus on the good in everything, not just my husband. I remember praying to God and telling him that I just wanted out and I don't want to be married to my husband any more. That helped, just to get it out to God. He knew anyway. Why hide it. Talking to God honestly has a way of getting your mind right. Just imagine what he would say back to you if you called out to him in all honesty. I believe he was saying to me "I love you. I know how you feel. I'm here with you. I'll make you strong. I won't leave you. Etc..."

I also don't really agree that anyone "deserves" to be happy. If someone isn't happy, it isn't anyone's fault but that person's. If someone isn't happy then that someone needs to get happy from the inside not from the outside. I don't believe we can blame others for our own unhappiness. I'm not saying this in judgement. I've suffered from this way of thinking. If I can focus on the good in my life I'm much happier then when I'm focusing on the problems of my life.
My husband hasn't changed that much since our bad times. I've changed my expectations and my focus. He's not abusive. He's a great father. He's responsible and hardworking. He doesn't blow money irresponsibly. He takes us to church on Sunday. He doesn't complain about my cooking even when it's bad. He doesn't get upset with me when he comes home to a messy house or loud children. I could list his bad qualities, but I really don't want to think about them. I used to be able to list them off w/o thinking because it's all I focused on. Yes, I do get ticked at him and I tell him about it, but I don't dwell on his bad points. Do I want him dwelling on mine?

I hope you work things out and get the help you need.
Click to expand...

This is such an important statement.
If you are depending on another person, or your circumstances, to make you happy - then you will always be coming up short. No one is ever going to be able to make you happy and there will always be external forces causing unhappiness, no matter your situation. There is a book who's title says it all - "Happiness Is An Inside Job".
 
  • #54
Re: Separation
chefkristin said:
There is lots to think about. Right now I am still not sure. We have been unhappy for a long time. He isn't putting in his share. I just want to be happy again.
Click to expand...

Kristin - I believe that is key. I've felt that way about my husband before until we got to the root of what caused it. Guys (especially mine) don't get it when we think they aren't doing their "fair share". I have to clearly tell Steve, "I need help here." He may be tired himself, or frustrated with me or something else which has him not motivated. Or, he thinks he'll screw it up. It took us awhile to figure that out and for me to ask for help and things aren't good.

You need to figure out WHY you aren't happy. What is his fair share? Do you know? Does he know? Does it change?

A large part of relationships is expectations. Sometimes expectations need to change.

Keep working on it and communicate with him. Based on what you said, I really suggest you see Fireproof with him! :)
 
  • #55
Re: SeparationI will keep you in my prayers. I do not think that I know enough about the whole situation to be able to give advice.
 
  • #57
Re: SeparationI think everyone needs to make their own decisions as to what works for them. This thread ironically has given me a lot of insight into my own marriage. As things aren't really bad right now but we do struggle when it comes to communication and money at times. That being said as far as divorce I think it should be the last straw. Growing up I'd wished my mom would divorce my dad but she didn't believe in that. It was a lot of rough times there was no abuse physically but I feel emotional abuse is very damaging as well. I'm not going to get into specifics but our upbringing was very unusual. Our father was never really there. Now also none of my 3 siblings and myself have a relationship with him. Our mom passed away in 05 from ovarian cancer. Honestly I feel if my mom felt she deserved to be happy she may have taken better care of herself and perhaps caught it early enough and still be around today. Having dad around growing up was pointless as we all probably have relationship we would have had he not been around. He has 2 beautiful granddaughters he doesn't care to meet, one I'm not sure he even knows exists, and he chose to not come to my wedding and responded in a very negative way and that's when I was done. The only thing I can thank him for besides being born is that my brother has become a fantastic father and husband to his wife by learning what a husband and father should not do.
 
  • #58
Re: SeparationOne important thing to remember when talking with your husband about doing his fair share is that, generally speaking, men need specifics. "Could you do the towels on Tuesday and Friday?" works better than, "Could you help with the laundry?" Think about what you really want/need from him. Make specific requests. Put verbs in your sentences. Be prepared to honestly consider any requests he might make of you. It's possible that his perspective is different from yours. I know I'm not perfect, so I try to seriously consider requests for changes in my behavior that The Furry Guy makes. Finally, as women, everything tends to effect everything else in our lives. Men are much better at compartmentalizing. You've mentioned that you just want to be happy again. Think about what truly makes you happy. Are there things you can do for yourself that don't have anything to do with what he's doing? While I love The Furry Guy, experience has taught me that he can't really make me happy. That's up to me.
 
  • #59
Re: Separation
jrstephens said:
I will keep you in my prayers. I do not think that I know enough about the whole situation to be able to give advice.
Click to expand...

I agree. I haven't been there myself, therefore I cannot give my opinion. Prayers to you!
 
  • #60
Re: SeparationI had a thought while doing my morning study.* Are you eating properly and getting good exercise? I ask because being healthy adds to happiness. I know that when I'm feeling down I tend to not do the healthy things I know I should. I don't know your habits, so please don't think I'm criticizing them. I'm currently reading You: Being Beautiful by Drs. Oz and Roizen. The second section is about feeling beautiful. Joy and happiness are tied to feeling healthy. Feeling healthy is, of course, tied to eating well and exercising.
 
<h2>1. How can I make my relationship work with my husband?</h2><p>It can be difficult to make a relationship work if only one person is putting in effort. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your husband about your feelings and concerns. It may also be helpful to seek couples therapy or counseling to work through any underlying issues and improve communication.</p><h2>2. What should I do if my husband refuses to listen to me?</h2><p>If your husband is not willing to listen to you, it may be helpful to seek the advice and support of a trusted friend or family member. They may be able to offer a different perspective or provide valuable advice. You could also consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor to learn effective communication techniques.</p><h2>3. How can I be happy in my relationship?</h2><p>Happiness in a relationship requires effort from both partners. It's important to communicate your needs and boundaries, and to listen to your partner's as well. It may also be helpful to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and find ways to reconnect and strengthen your bond.</p><h2>4. What if I can't help how I feel?</h2><p>It's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings, but it's also important to remember that you are in control of how you respond to those feelings. If you are feeling unhappy in your relationship, it may be helpful to explore the root causes and work towards finding solutions together with your husband.</p><h2>5. How can I afford to be on my own?</h2><p>Financial concerns can be a major barrier to leaving a relationship. It may be helpful to create a budget and explore your options for financial support, such as seeking employment or assistance programs. It's also important to have a support system in place and to reach out to friends and family for help if needed.</p>

1. How can I make my relationship work with my husband?

It can be difficult to make a relationship work if only one person is putting in effort. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your husband about your feelings and concerns. It may also be helpful to seek couples therapy or counseling to work through any underlying issues and improve communication.

2. What should I do if my husband refuses to listen to me?

If your husband is not willing to listen to you, it may be helpful to seek the advice and support of a trusted friend or family member. They may be able to offer a different perspective or provide valuable advice. You could also consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor to learn effective communication techniques.

3. How can I be happy in my relationship?

Happiness in a relationship requires effort from both partners. It's important to communicate your needs and boundaries, and to listen to your partner's as well. It may also be helpful to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and find ways to reconnect and strengthen your bond.

4. What if I can't help how I feel?

It's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings, but it's also important to remember that you are in control of how you respond to those feelings. If you are feeling unhappy in your relationship, it may be helpful to explore the root causes and work towards finding solutions together with your husband.

5. How can I afford to be on my own?

Financial concerns can be a major barrier to leaving a relationship. It may be helpful to create a budget and explore your options for financial support, such as seeking employment or assistance programs. It's also important to have a support system in place and to reach out to friends and family for help if needed.

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