Facing Family Conflict: A Tight Place

[pc_jessica]

okay so long story short, i am in a very very tight place...
at my church my mom, myself and my aunt were coleaders of a girls group. this past year my aunt has been doing a really half-a** job with all her duties. such as not showing up, saying she would do something and then not follow through, etc. well my mom and i pretty much covered her butt all year and got stuff done. well this past july we took the girls to the natinonal girls gathering. well my aunt said she was no longer going to be a leader of the group when we returned home...okay fine my mom and i were actually quite happy with this!
so this past week the church told us they wanted us to do a presentation today at church, well my mom todl them we would be out of town camping and we would do it next sunday...well my aunt along with just her daughter did a presentation today:grumpy:! they didn't even include the other 8 girls that went on the trip! so we found out about it and i guess i didn't keep my mouth shut, because now she is mad at me...and to make things worse my younger sister works at the daycare that my aunt is the director of! i don't know if i should apologize or not, because if i did it wouldn't be a genuiune apology. because i am not sorry. i told her my feelings and my thoughts that this past year has brought on. so i guess i am just unsure of what to say to her now, and what to do... since she is family and i will be seeing her at holidays and bday parties...thanks for letting me vent!

 

[kdangel518]

Jessica, I would set up a time with your Aunt to have coffee or lunch or something, and let her know when you sit down with her that you have some business that you wanted to discuss with her. Make sure that she understands that this is "church/girls group leader Jessica" not "your niece Jessica". Make sure to establish that line from the very beginning.Explain to her that while you've enjoyed working with her at church, and you appreciate the hard work she's put in in the past, you understand that she didn't want to participate anymore, and frankly, you think that's the best solution for the situation because you feel that she's been unhappy with her role as a leader for the group. (Try not to focus too much on the negatives "you didn't do this" or "you left us hanging with that..." that will only make her defensive and less responsive to the rest of your conversation...) and go on to explain to her that you were surprised and taken aback, and a little disappointed that you came back from camping to learn that she had done the presentation at church without you and your mom, when you two really wanted to be involved and she had expressed that she no longer desired to be a part of the group.You might want to apologize to her if you went off on her this weekend... don't apologize for being upset, but just apologize for yelling, speaking to her angrily, etc. etc. and that you were reacting out of surprise and hurt to the situation and didn't mean to treat her that way.Reality is, you can express to her exactly how you feel without getting angry... you just need to prepare yourself and really commit to staying calm, no matter how she reacts, even if she gets upset.If she does get upset, I would calmly say to her "I understand that you are feeling upset/hurt/angry/whatever feeling she is having at that moment right now... but I'd really like for us to be able to discuss this calmly."You can only control the way that you act and react to her actions, unfortunatley you can't control her or the way she acts/reacts to you!At the end I would tell her that her niece Jessica loves her and give her a hug to make sure she does understand that that was business, and not a family/personal issue.Good luck!!

 

[pc_jessica]

thanks for the suggestion. i have no idea what i am going to do. if i were closer to this particular aunt the coffee thing would be a great idea, but we don't have a great 'family bond' to start off with. i talked to my mom who is just as mad as i was. and she told me to let it go, and see what this aunt does. im just worried she will do something or say something to my sister at work tomorrow. that is the only reason i care at this point. i wish i had better control of my tongue because i probably would have worded my convo with her differently today. i never said anything mean i just was really blunt with my feelings and with how i thought about things. i never raised my voice but it was clear that i was upset. but what is in the past is past and i can not change it. i can only go forward from here, and hopefully she is only upset because she knows that what i said is true, and things can just go one like they were supposed to.
my quick temperment is something that i have been working on and praying on for a while i guess i need to pray a little harder and work alot harder!
thanks again. i will see what happens and hopefully this didn't ruin my sister's after school daycare job :S

 

[kdangel518]

Maybe just give her a ring on the phone then? Even though you don't have a strong family bond with her, I guess my thinking is it can't hurt to straighten things out and it might make your relationship with her stronger (or at least civil going forward!) GL in whatever choice you make!

 

[Shawnna]

I would let it go. Pray about the situation...which is hard...and let God handle it. If she takes it out on your sister at work, then she is out of line because it has nothing to do with her work or your sister. If she take it out on your sister she should talk to your aunt's supervisor...I am not sure if she owns the daycare or is just in charge of the daycare. We all have family we are civil with but not close to. I wouldn't worry about it. The biggest thing...and like I said it is the hardest thing...is to just pray and let the Lord handle it.