Best Friends in Crisis: Our Church Family's Separation

[MamaChef]

My husband and I have been best friends with a couple from our church for about 6 years now. Last week the wife and 2 daughters (4 yrs. & 1 yr.) of this family moved in with the wife's mom in Oklahoma, about 16 hours from here...separating from the husband. Apparently the separation is "amicable" and a decision on both their parts. I've been struggling with this alot....they swear that it's all temporary, and they are still fighting to make it all work in the end. There are just a lot of indicators that family and friends alike see as the "beginning to the end". I don't want to seem negative...it's just been really hard not too. #1...I don't see how they are going to be able to work on the marriage when she decided to move 16 hours away, #2...this situation didn't come up until after her trip to OK in the spring, where she was reacquainted with an ex from high school, and with whom she's kept in constant contact with ever since (unknowingly to her husband) #3...all of a sudden, she's decided to go back to college while she's there, so that she has a degree if "God forbid anything would happen to" the husband. I love my friend dearly, and I don't want to think the worst of her, but things have changed so much in such a short period of time. She was sort of upset with me before she left becuase I didn't seem supportive of her decision. I've just had a really hard time even trying to fake any kind of support when I don't really agree with what she's done....especially if my worst fears have a foundation.

I hope all of this has made some sense. It's been kind of a whirwind couple of weeks as well as emotional.

Thanks for your thoughts!

 

[PampMomof3]

Oh Ann. I'm sorry for what you're going through with your friend.

All I can say is if she means a lot and it really sounds like she does, try not to judge her on what decisions she makes. I know it sounds so hard but when I went through a very difficult situation with my hubby, I told certain people what we went through and people looked at him different and it ultimately made me not want to hang out with them because they treated him differently. I'm just saying obviously there's something going on with their relationship that they need to work out. Tell her that you'll have a listening ear if she ever needs to talk.

Sorry for the ramble but I'll pray for you guys.

 

[janetupnorth]

Ann - It is tough to watch friends go through that. We had close friends (both were to be in our wedding), go through a separation and divorce later. We've also had friends work it out. I pray that God's will be done in this case.

Personally, I cringe at moving back in with the parents...there are times for that, but when a couple is struggling, I firmly believe the passage in the Bible of "leaving your father and mother and clinging to your spouse" is there for a reason. Marriages most often break up because of selfishness (it's all about me and what I should get out of the marriage vs. both parties constantly working on what they can do for the other person). Secondly, when struggling, people tend to run for "support" from friends or parents to "side" with them and validate their feelings - this does more harm than good. If a friend is talking about their struggles in their marriage with me, I first ask them if they've talked to their spouse about those feelings because that is what needs to happen to fix it.

Anyway, off my soapbox and praying that all goes well!

 

[KellyTheChef]

Ann~

I understand totally what you are saying here. I know that you feel marriage is a covenent (bond only broken by death...not divorce) and I hope that your friend remembers this too. If you want some personal experience with this type of situation, you can PM me or email me at [email protected]. Let's just say I went through something very similar but don't need to air my dirty laundry out for the entire world to see! LOL If your friend would be willing, I would even speak with her...

I pray that God uses other Christians around her to speak the truth "in love" and that she will be open enough to listen. Only then can they work towards reconcilliation.

Seriously- I would like to help in some way if I can...if only to save her and her DH some major heartaches!

 

[MamaChef]

Thanks everyone!!! And Kelly, I'm writing down your e-addy....if it seems like it will help in anyway, I will pass it along.I'm doing my best to refrain from sharing my real frustrations. I want to remain an open vessel for conversation if she ever gives me that opportunity. Right now they are both of the mind-set that no ones opinions matter than their own. They were in counseling, but only for about a month when she made the decision to leave. They say it's all about the financial aspects...although his parents are right here in town, so I don't really know why he couldn't have moved out, giving the opportunity for her to stay so they could continue with the counseling. They are baffled by people's reactions, especially his mother (who's shed many tears...if I were a mom/grandma involved, I would too!) and her sister anger at her (her sister's been thru 2 divorces, so I can kinda see her not wanting the same for her sister). Now, I'm not saying that either party has not shown some neurotic tendencies, but I'm sympathetic to their emotions! Another strike for me for "not understanding". Like I said though, I'm trying very hard to remain sensitive and be there for a shoulder, an ear and a source of encouragement and accountability in any way that I can, same with my husband for the husband.Anyway....I'm full of the rambles tonight! Thanks for bearing with me! And thanks for your encouraging words and prayers!

 

[katie0128]

Thanks everyone!!! And Kelly, I'm writing down your e-addy....if it seems like it will help in anyway, I will pass it along.

I'm doing my best to refrain from sharing my real frustrations. I want to remain an open vessel for conversation if she ever gives me that opportunity.
~snipped~
Like I said though, I'm trying very hard to remain sensitive and be there for a shoulder, an ear and a source of encouragement and accountability in any way that I can, same with my husband for the husband.

Anyway....I'm full of the rambles tonight! Thanks for bearing with me! And thanks for your encouraging words and prayers!

You are a good friend and hopefully she will see that. You just vent on here when you need to "unload" so that you can go back to her and be a sounding board and source of support and encouragement (even if you don't agree with what she is doing).

 

[raebates]

Ann, I'm so sorry. I'll keep your friends in prayer.I've had friends struggle through rough places in their marriages. Sometimes things became a little strained because I didn't readily agree that she was 100% right, and he was a total jerk. Often people are looking for reinforcement of their position instead of good advice. Over time, most of them came to the realization that my truth-telling was what they really needed. I hope your friend realizes the same thing.

 

[Paula R. Lewis]

Remember, there's always the "3 sides".....his side, her side, and the truth, as they say!!

I do feel for you, and I hope that the good Lord allows you to be a real blessing to both of your friends through this time. It sounds like they could definitely use a good friend!!

Paula