Any Success with HO Referral Lists for Booking Shows?

[pcchris]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your
sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live
for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first
day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't
tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big
deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid
another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Da*m!t, Ralph! Wake up. You're crapping the bed!'

LOL!!!! Good one, Brandi!!!!!!!

 

[Carissidy]

“Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Rednecks know how to Git-R-Done

 

[imported_Nikkijo]

Muscular Contractions
A professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

OMG is this one funny!! Good thing I was drinking at the time or it may be all over my screen! Thank you Brandi

 

[Brandi2007]

“Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Rednecks know how to Git-R-Done

lmao! Thats sooo good! Love it!

 

[Carissidy]

Thanks Brandiland

 

[Brandi2007]

B-r-a-n-d-i-l-a-n-d...........











Now Thats A Big Joke

 

[Carissidy]

B-r-a-n-d-i-l-a-n-d...........











Now Thats A Big Joke

I like it, thank you very much!

 

[chef_kimmo]

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.

Realizing he needed haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures $20.''Why not?' he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, machine provides a service men need when way from Their Wives, 50 cents. He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.


LOL!!!!

 

[friday]

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.

Realizing he needed haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures $20.''Why not?' he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, machine provides a service men need when way from Their Wives, 50 cents. He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.


LOL!!!!

dh says he doesnt need his wife for THAT. (its true- he sews on his own buttons... but he doesnt sew them THERE)

 

[Carissidy]

calling for a new joke!!!

 

[chef_kimmo]

Not a joke, but thought you would think this is cute ----- you have to click on the photo to see it larger and you will think it cute

 

[Brandi2007]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are along side the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car... and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life stuff seems to get funny?

Well, I could NOT believe it... he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well then, which one are you?'

... and that's when the fight started.

 

[Carissidy]

ha ha ha

 

[friday]

My dad told me this joke just yesterday. Which was funnier than usual because my dad can NEVER remember enough of a joke to get his point across... but somehow he managed this one. He must have had cheat notes in his pocket.

 

[ddbritt]

“Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Rednecks know how to Git-R-Done

I love it Ang!!! That's great!!!

 

[Carissidy]

Thanks... we need to keep this thread bumped... we all need a good laugh once and awhile

 

[chef_kimmo]

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

 

[Brandi2007]

This one is priceless...
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent
their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005


I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.


Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

 

[chef_kimmo]

That is a good one, Brandi!!! LOL

 

[Carissidy]

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

ok, I am blond and that was funny!!! lol

 

[Carissidy]

This one is priceless...
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent
their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005


I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.


Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

ok, I heard this one before but it still gets me LOL

 

[Brandi2007]

The 84-year-old Newlywed
> >> The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she
> > had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
> >> The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
> > like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's
> > occupation.
> >> 'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
> >> 'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
> >> He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
> > first three husbands and what they did for a living.
> >> She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
> > After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
> > explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's,
> > then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her
> > 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.
> >> The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
> > married four men with such diverse careers.
> >> 'Easy, son,' she smiled. 'I married one for the money, two for the show,
> > three to get ready, and four to go!'

 

[Brandi2007]

Cup of Tea


One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down t he hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

 

[ddbritt]

This one is priceless...
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent
their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005


I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.


Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

OH MY!!!!!!!!! lol that one got me rolling a little bit! Good one Brandi!

 

[ddbritt]

Cup of Tea


One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down t he hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

That one's funny, never heard that one before! Another Good One Brandi.

 

[chef_kimmo]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Seniors" in Texas .
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing them on sale on day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope".

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT now?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, It'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?" "IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT IS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
.
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[Carissidy]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Seniors" in Texas .
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing them on sale on day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope".

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT now?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, It'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?" "IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT IS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
.
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

That is so funny... I like that one alot!!

 

[chef_kimmo]

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

 

[Christ Follower]

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

I was totally LOL on this one! Too funny!