Any Success with HO Referral Lists for Booking Shows?

[jrstephens]

A litte off color. I just got this one in email.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that"

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

 

[Carissidy]

lol.... thats funny!!!

 

[jrstephens]

Little Bernie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Bernie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother, 'Mommy, I Was at the
playground and saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big Kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Bernie, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Bernie to tell his story. Bernie
started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill use to do when Daddy was
in the Army.' Mommy fainted!


Sometimes, you need to l isten to the whole story before you interrupt...

 

[friday]

http://www.dreamsignature.com/sigs/sigs_mood_057.gif

 

[Carissidy]

thats the funniest one yet friday

 

[Carissidy]

Colonoscopy


:boss:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems,
so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over,
so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
"because I process food and give
all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs ,
"because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight.

Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?



The a**hole is usually in charge !!





​

 

[imported_jenniferp417]

I love that!

 

[Carissidy]

thanks, now we need more participants.... laughter is good for the soul!!

 

[Carissidy]

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign,
the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight
when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So, which six items would you like to buy?"
http://www.dreamsignature.com/sigs/sigs130.gif
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!

​

 

[Carissidy]

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
my elderly neighbor and his wife
were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.
"We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.​

 

[Carissidy]

 

[Carissidy]

All eyes were on the radiant bride
as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage,
the bride gave him back his credit card .​

 

[Carissidy]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket,
and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."

Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"​

 

[Carissidy]

 

[Carissidy]

 

[chefheidi2003]

I just got this from my mom...I hope you all enjoy it.

Eight Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female..... Any part under a car's hood.

Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.



2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.



3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.



4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.



5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.



6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-__expression, male bonding.



7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest __expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.



8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;





He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?



He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!



He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!



He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . They don't have time



He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never h appened.



He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.



She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.



He said . .. . Why are marrie d women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.



SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

 

[Christ Follower]

Heidi that was so funny! I am LMAO!

 

[Carissidy]

thats awesome! Thanks for sharing... I needed that!

 

[Brandi2007]

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

;Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always
working!

 

[Brandi2007]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at
her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.


Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her
dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her
right butt cheek a
lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she
has a violent
spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she
begins to
breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. Â

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there

'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[chef_kimmo]

Little Bernie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Bernie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother, 'Mommy, I Was at the
playground and saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big Kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Bernie, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Bernie to tell his story. Bernie
started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill use to do when Daddy was
in the Army.' Mommy fainted!


Sometimes, you need to l isten to the whole story before you interrupt...

this was as good one - got me to laugh out loud!

 

[chef_kimmo]

Good one

 

[chef_kimmo]

I hope it doesn't offend anyone but I thinking we all could relate...
(the e-mail I received said it was real but it isn't on snopes but who cares, it is funny)

An actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph...


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can' t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend, Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best
webmail-award-winning letter.

 

[Brandi2007]

Muscular Contractions
A professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

 

[BigSisGretchen]

This blind guy walks into a bar swinging a dog over his head . . . the bartender asks "What are you doing?" . . . the blind guy says, "Just looking around."




This is really funny when your brother says it over and over again after he has had way too many drinks . . . sorry.

 

[Carissidy]

Muscular Contractions
A professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

LMAO!!!

 

[Carissidy]

This blind guy walks into a bar swinging a dog over his head . . . the bartender asks "What are you doing?" . . . the blind guy says, "Just looking around."




This is really funny when your brother says it over and over again after he has had way too many drinks . . . sorry.

still worth a giggle!

 

[BigSisGretchen]

Muscular Contractions
A professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

This is so funny I can't stop laughing . . . THANKS!

 

[pcchris]

This is so funny I can't stop laughing . . . THANKS!

I agree with you Gretchen!!! Hysterical!!!!!!!!!

 

[Brandi2007]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your
sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live
for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first
day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't
tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big
deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid
another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Da*m!t, Ralph! Wake up. You're crapping the bed!'