What Do You Think About Spanking?

[cookingwith_tara]

Tara, you are absolutely right about following through. Consistency is the hallmark of good discipline. For all intents and purposes, if you don't do what you tell your child you're going to do you're lying. Our son knew that if we said doing A would result in B, then the very first time (and every time thereafter) that he did A, B would be the immediate result.

Amen! And I'm sure, as a result, he has learned to be honest, trustworthy, and dependable. Definite qualities you want your children to have, right?!

 

[Sheila]

I didn't take the time to read all the posts. I voted "yes", but it's really a "depends" answer. For some children it's very effective. For other's it's not so effective. When my 3 nephews lived with me, one had to be spanked to understand that you meant business. His younger brother didn't care if you spanked him or not ... but if you put him in the corner, it was as if his world just ended.

Regardless of the child's age, you have to find their "money". What is it that they value the most? A favorite toy, play time (ie having to take a time out), video games, driving priviledges? Once you find their "money", you will find that discipline is much easier.

But it all boils down to consequences. If there is even a CHANCE that they might get their way, they will keep pushing you & hoping that you will eventually give in. Once you've established a pattern of following through with the threat that you've made for bad behavior, you will find that discipline is much easier. I can tell my 14 month old "Mommy said NO" and she will stop dead in her tracks ... because she knows that mommy means business. The neighbor's child minds me just as well ... but will not (under any circumstances) mind her mother, because she knows that her Mom is not going to do anything to her.

I'm a retired Police Dispatcher, so I've seen the adults who never learned consequences as a child. They are still out there defying authority and going to jail.

I'm a firm believer in consequences with the RIGHT punishment for each child. If the punishment doesn't phase them, you are wasting your time and not teaching them responsibility.

Hope that helps!

 

[raebates]

Here's one of my favorite stories to tell when people commented about how well-behaved our son was in his late teens. Without sharing all of the details (it's a long, involved story), our son and his good friend got in trouble. Our son was grounded for two weeks--no phone, no friends, no choice of TV programs, etc. His friend was grounded for three weeks. At the end of the two weeks, our son was in town and was surprised to run into his friend. He came home and told me that after three days his friend had all of his privileges back. He said to me, "Mom, he didn't learn anything."He's 22 now. He has often thanked us for teaching him that there are consequences to the choices we make.

 

[BethCooks4U]

i agree that spanking has a time and a place. We spank if it is warranted. I have found that with dd, making her put her nose in the corner or go to her room and sit on her bed works pretty good.
I do think that if you look back at when they took paddling out of school you start to see a definite decline in children's behavoir. I think that every child needs discipline and needs to know that there are consequences for bad behavior. people wonder why schools aren't safe anymore, well take a better look at what has been removed from schools and you'll get your answer. God and discipline!!

amen!

.....

 

[mrssyvo]

I agree that many parents want to be the child's friend, instead of the parent. I told my girls when they were pre-teens, I am not your friend, I am your Mom, you have enough friends, you have only 1 mom, ME!!! Also, this is said tounge-in-cheek, that if your kids are teenagers, and do not say, I hate you, at least once a month, you are not being tough enough. Now, I do not believe kids should say, I hate you, and I know my girls did not hate me, and they did respect me, but they were also upset as teens, because I was not linent, and they could not get away with things, thus the mumbled, "I Hate you!" I did spank them, when needed- but I did not need to much, in fact, with my oldest, It only took a word of correction, and she crumbled. Her sister, on the other hand, was quite different, and we had a "come to mamma" meeting quite often for awhile there.

 

[susanr613]

glad to see there are so many rational people at all stages of parenting!

 

[ChefBeckyD]

Here's one of my favorite stories to tell when people commented about how well-behaved our son was in his late teens. Without sharing all of the details (it's a long, involved story), our son and his good friend got in trouble. Our son was grounded for two weeks--no phone, no friends, no choice of TV programs, etc. His friend was grounded for three weeks. At the end of the two weeks, our son was in town and was surprised to run into his friend. He came home and told me that after three days his friend had all of his privileges back. He said to me, "Mom, he didn't learn anything."

He's 22 now. He has often thanked us for teaching him that there are consequences to the choices we make.

I have a great little story too. My nephew and niece have had a horrible home-life (and nephew ran away from home the day after Christmas - was gone for 12 hours - at the age of 13!) and have no respect for their parents. They get everything handed to them, and have had no consistency in discipline. However, they love coming to visit me, and I never have any problem with them following the rules and obeying. Once when they were younger (about 8 & 6 yrs old) they spent the night, and the next morning my niece started throwing a temper tantrum and pouting because she didn't get her way about breakfast. Our conversation went something like this:

NIECE: "But I want it right now" (said in a whining cry)
ME: "Oh, no, Chey - you can stop that right now, because you aren't going to get away with that here."
NEPHEW (and older brother): "Yeah, Chey, you might as well stop, because you can't get away with anything at Aunt Becky's house."
ME (trying not to laugh): "That's right! We can have a fun time, but we have to follow the rules."

 

[lauradahl]

Tara, you are absolutely right about following through. Consistency is the hallmark of good discipline. For all intents and purposes, if you don't do what you tell your child you're going to do you're lying. Our son knew that if we said doing A would result in B, then the very first time (and every time thereafter) that he did A, B would be the immediate result.

Well put Rae! I am guilty here and it's something I'm working on. I found out that if I don't follow thru, I just get more frustrated and the boys don't learn a thing about consequences. I do find it exhausting to be so consistent sometimes, but my 2 yo "pushes" to find out just what I'm gonna do and you can see it in his eyes. I sometimes find myself feeling very militant...but at the same time, I have so many people compliment on their behavior and that is a little "yah for me" and my work as a sahm (and it is "work")! My 4 yo is a nice respecting little man and that makes this "job" so rewarding!

 

[Sheila]

I've never tolerated temper tantrums either. My favorite phrase with the nephews was: "It's okay to be mad. It is NOT okay to throw a temper tantrum." LOL

 

[pamperedlinda]

I used to tell DS that he could yell and scream all he wanted to for as long as he wanted....but he had to do it in his bedroom with the door closed! That usually ended the tantrums.

 

[raebates]

Well put Rae! I am guilty here and it's something I'm working on. I found out that if I don't follow thru, I just get more frustrated and the boys don't learn a thing about consequences. I do find it exhausting to be so consistent sometimes, but my 2 yo "pushes" to find out just what I'm gonna do and you can see it in his eyes. I sometimes find myself feeling very militant...but at the same time, I have so many people compliment on their behavior and that is a little "yah for me" and my work as a sahm (and it is "work")! My 4 yo is a nice respecting little man and that makes this "job" so rewarding!

It's much more difficult and time-consuming at first to be a consistent, disciplined parent. In the long run, it makes the job much easier.

Linda, we always told our son that feelings are feelings. They aren't good or bad, right or wrong, they just are. However, there are appropriate ways to express those feelings. Being rude and disrespectful falls into the "inappropriate" category. Like you, we told him that throwing a tantrum in the privacy of his own room to vent his feelings was fine. Doing it in the company of another person wasn't.

 

[pamperedlinda]

Exactly Rae! DS would tell me that he was just so mad he had to yell to get it out of him! (this is from a 3-4 yr old) I would tell him that yes, I understood being really mad - however he would just have to find another place to be really mad because I wasn't going to listen to it and if I had to listen then I was going to be really mad too and he did not want to see what would happen if mommy got really mad

 

[BethCooks4U]

Exactly Rae! DS would tell me that he was just so mad he had to yell to get it out of him! (this is from a 3-4 yr old) I would tell him that yes, I understood being really mad - however he would just have to find another place to be really mad because I wasn't going to listen to it and if I had to listen then I was going to be really mad too and he did not want to see what would happen if mommy got really mad

I had a son that would have done what he could to SEE what would happen. That would not have worked here. I did use this though (having them vent somewhere away from everyone else) and it was effective - I just couldn't add that threat. I told him he could go into his room and scream into his pillow or even punch it if it made him feel better. I just had to be very careful of how I said anything while disciplining that one.

 

[pamperedlinda]

DS would always ask what was gonna happen when mommy got really mad. I always said "You don't wanna know".....neither of us ever found out!

Last year I found that the bottom step on our staircase is an effective discipline tool. One day he was aggravating me and I had had enough so I just turned around and told him to sit on the bottom step and not say a word! Not the second or third step - but the bottom step! (I was being a control freak at this point ) I made him sit on that step for 5 mins and he was back to being my sweet child when he got up. So, for the past year when he starts acting up I send him to the step - he used ask which step. My answer was always the bottom step - now he just goes there. Every now and then when he is starting to get on my nerves he asks me if I'm going to send him to the step! LOL I love that step! Wish I had thought of it earlier

 

[Sheleif]

We spank and it is a last resort. IMO if people would just be consistant and follow through with what they say will happen all forms of disicpline can work. I am guilty too of threatening but not always following through. Kids figure that out fast!

 

[ange413]

Having been spanked bare bottomed with a belt as a kid, I totally understand that fear and intimidation. However, it never kept me from doing bad things either??!! Every child will act bad or test the waters at different points in their lives.

I still believe that spanking can be a way of getting attention. With that said, I've been extremely lucky to not have to spank very often with any of my 3 kids. With the littlest one (she's 4 now), I just have to start counting to 3 and she usually changes her behavior by the time I finish 2. And the rare times that she doesn't she is sent to her room to sit and finish her crying, then she can come down and apologize. I don't know why that works--but I started it when she was 1 and it still works!

My 16yr old tried to sass me one day last summer, and I just basically got in her face and said she can talk however she wishes with her friends, but she will never talk back to me. She quickly apologized and hasn't sassed ever again. I also try to communicate with her all the time and I use her friends behaviors as examples. She sees how they are and that they are spoiled little monsters but she also sees how disgusting of a behavior it is and that their parents are doing them no favors by giving in or ignoring it. They are the trouble makers, bad grades, girls who "get around", etc. and she doesn't want to be one of them!

Sure makes you feel good as a parent when the other parents complement your children as being the best behaved, well mannered, etc.!!! It's even better when your own kid points out bad behavior at a restaurant or the mall, even among all the neighbor kids.

Kids aren't stupid---they just need limits. Their job is to push us--that's how we grow as parents and they grow into respectful young adults.

 

[Shawnna]

To spank or not to spank...there are so many different opinions and reasons for opinions. I firmly believe in spanking when it is needed. Each child is different and you have to figure out what works best with each one. I have 3 children and they have all been spanked. My oldest is 18 and when he was small you never had to spank him. You could sit and talk to him and explain stuff and his behavior would change. After he was a little older...started school and saw how other kids acted...he would have to get spankings sometimes, but for the most part he has been the model child. My DH may have spanked him once a year but I doubt it. But, when daddy spanks you, you remember and you don't want it again. My daughter was totally different. You could raise your voice and she would usually stop. In the event you had to spank her, she would remember and not do it again. Our youngest son, you could beat him...not literally, you just felt like you were...and he would just ignore you and keep right on doing whatever he was doing. Time out didn't work. You had to take something away from him to get his attention.

My parents spanked us...my mom would get ahold of you with whatever she had in her hand...belt, switch, hairbrush, etc...she would spank your butt, your legs, and if you back-talked her she would slap you in the mouth...you didn't do it again. I do not feel I was abused, I have never been afraid of my parents. But we behaved when we were told. Yes, you thought about the spanking you were going to get if you disobeyed...not because you were afraid of mom and daddy, but because you didn't like the spanking. There is a difference in spanking and beating.

As for hitting back...sometimes its the only thing that works. It is sad that kids hit each other, but there comes a time when they have to stand up for themselves. For one thing it teaches other children that there are consequences when they bully others. When I worked at HeadStart we had a child who bullied all the other kids...yes a 4 year old...he would hit, kick, bite, spit on them, you name it and he did it. My son walked by him one day and he hit him in the face with a toy horse barely missing my son's eye. The kids were all afraid of him. When you put him in time out...our only allowed form of discipline...he wouldn't stay there. You ended up sitting on the floor with him in your lap, arms and legs around him because he would hit you, spit on you, bite you, etc. He hit the teachers in the face...broke one teachers glasses. It was so bad that when we had visiters the kids would say "see that boy, he's mean". But, the parents...my DH included...finally told their kids to hit him back. I told my son that if he hit back, he would be punished just like the other little boy because we aren't allowed to hit at headstart...those were the rules. The other parents told the teacher that they had told their children to hit back. After about a week of being hit back, he stopped. The kids would get punished and he would cry...and be punished...but when he learned that it wouldn't be tolerated he stopped. His first semester of kindergarten was a nightmare for him and his teacher and the principle.

 

[ivykeep]

I will be a "mean" mother when my daughter is older. Once she is out of elementary school, she will no longer be allowed to sleep over at friends homes unless I know the other family well and I am SURE yhat they have similar values as we do. Unfortunately, my youngest sister had friends whose parents would lie to my parents for her and would undermine my parents authority by telling my sister that my parents were just "old" and out of touch. Now granted, my parents were in their 40's when my sister was born and most of her friends parents were in their 20's, but NO parent has the right to tell another parent's child that their parents are out of touch and too strict. (Different story if my sister were being abused, but that was NOT the case). I was horrified to learn that the parents were providing alcohol to 14, 15 and 16 year olds on a regular basis. In my opinion that is not good parenting (and if you want to argue that you'd rather kids drink in your home where they are supervised, that's fine for YOUR kids, but not for other parents children, especially if you let them leave when they are drunk!!)Frankly, witnessing some of this has made me extremely hesitant to trust any other parents that I am not SURE share my values.If my kids want to have friends over at our house they can -- but all of the kids will be expected to abide by our house rules. My children may not like me for it, but those are the rules and my husband agrees and our kids will know that those are the rules long before they reach the teenage years.I know I won't be able to stop my kids from making choices I don't agree with, but I can and will limit their access to the temptation to drink, do drugs or have sex to early.