colegrovet
Gold Member
- 823
*DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands, so that it smacks you in the chest, and flings your vise grips across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
*WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Dirty rackafritz".
*ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
*SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
*PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
*BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
*HACKSAW: One of a large family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
*VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
*OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you want to remove a bearing race.
*TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
*BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut expensive metal stock into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you have cut on the inside of the guide line instead of the outside.
*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine.
*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, or for opening oil cans and splashing oil on your best shirt. Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws while butchering your palms.
*PRY BAR: A tool used to destroy the expensive metal component you had to remove in order to replace the 50 cent part.
*HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
*HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit which frequently includes your other hand.
*UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons. It works particularly well on contents such as plastic seat covers, CDs, liquids in plastic containers, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. It is especially useful for slicing clothing, but only while in use for other cutting purposes.
*X#$%$&X-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab, and throw across the shop while yelling "Enrique Packenlooper" at the top of your lungs. It is invariably the next tool that you will need.
*WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Dirty rackafritz".
*ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
*SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
*PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
*BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
*HACKSAW: One of a large family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
*VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
*OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you want to remove a bearing race.
*TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
*BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut expensive metal stock into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you have cut on the inside of the guide line instead of the outside.
*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine.
*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, or for opening oil cans and splashing oil on your best shirt. Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws while butchering your palms.
*PRY BAR: A tool used to destroy the expensive metal component you had to remove in order to replace the 50 cent part.
*HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
*HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit which frequently includes your other hand.
*UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons. It works particularly well on contents such as plastic seat covers, CDs, liquids in plastic containers, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. It is especially useful for slicing clothing, but only while in use for other cutting purposes.
*X#$%$&X-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab, and throw across the shop while yelling "Enrique Packenlooper" at the top of your lungs. It is invariably the next tool that you will need.
