Is this cover letter for a fundraiser well-written and informative?

[pamperedpnina]

I contacted a school about a fundraiser but the secretary said it wont go over well at the school however she would be willing to "help me out" and pass order forms/catalogs around to the staff. She asked that I send her a catalog and order forms here is the cover letter I cam up with can you all tell me what you think.

Dear Jan,
It was a pleasure speaking to you today. I am enclosing a catalog and order forms as you requested. Thank you so much for agreeing to pass them around to the staff. I am also enclosing some holiday gift idea’s as well as incentive programs that I give to my hosts.

Depending on the amount of sales you collect, we can consider it a catalog show and you can get rewards of free and discounted products!! In order for the show to “qualify” and you to reap the hostess rewards the sales before tax and shipping would need to be $150. If it is less then that I can still put your orders in, I will just combine it with one of my other orders and will personally deliver the ordered items to you so that you do not have to pay direct shipping prices. I need the orders by November 9th to combine them as I will be submitting the other order on the 10th. Show order shipping is only $4.25 each order, no matter how much a person orders! Direct shipping is available see order form for details.

November’s guest special is a great one; it is 20% off of select stoneware. The host special is even better; it is 1-2 pieces of select stoneware at 60% off!! See enclosed host/guest special sheets for more details.

If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to call me. My cell phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx or if you prefer you can email me [email protected]

For holiday delivery (both Christmas and Hanukah) orders would need to be in by Dec. 12th. In order to qualify for the November host and guest specials you would need to get the orders in by the end of November. I am going to personally request that you get the orders to me (I can even take them over the phone) by Nov. 10th. As a brand new consultant I have 90days in which I receive extra incentives and my 90days end on Nov 11th. If that is not possible I completely understand but if you do get your order into me by the 10th I will include a small gift as a token of my appreciation!

Thank you so much for your time and energy,
Sincerely

 

[PamperedK]

Sounds great! Just a couple of quick things:

"I am also enclosing some holiday gift idea’s as well as incentive programs that I give to my hosts." - there shouldn't be an apostrophe here
"In order for the show to “qualify” and "for" you to reap "

"If it is less then that" - should be 'than'

Hopefully she can help you qualify in your 90 days!!!

 

[Admin Greg]

,
Hello,I saw your post about the fundraiser and I think your idea is great! I'm glad the secretary was willing to help you out and I hope the fundraiser is a success. I also think your cover letter is well written and very informative. It's great that you included information about the host and guest specials as well as the holiday delivery deadline.I do have a couple of suggestions. First, it might be helpful to include the name of the company you are selling products for. This will give the readers a better understanding of what you are offering. Also, I noticed a few typos throughout the letter. Just make sure to proofread carefully before sending it out.Overall, I think your cover letter is professional and well thought out. I wish you the best of luck with your fundraiser!Best regards,