Dealing with an Emotionally Violent Timebomb: My Story

[amy07]

background: My mother is an emotionally violent timebomb. Over 2 years ago my mother went off on me for not signing some grant applications she was filling out. I didn't do it
1. because I would've been lying.
2. because my DS (6at the time) had to have an emergency surgery and it wasn't on my mind. Gee I wonder why?
So, when we got home from the hospital I called my mother to tell her what had been happening. She totally went off on me on how I ruined this grant thing for her, and to make it short: She wanted nothing to do with me. and that I was a total disappointment to her and that she hated me. BTW I never got to tell her what had happened with my DS, she hung up on me twice.
Now, this was not the first time she had ever had a rant on me like this. But after the emotional rollercoaster with my DS's surgery and recovery I decided it would be the last time I would ever be at the mercy of her verbal whippings. Granted it took much time, energy, counseling and $$ to get to that point.
I have had no contact with her until last year. She called out of the blue one evening. Yes, it took her over a year to call/contact me. No apology. No responsibility for her action. I told her that unless she could acknowledge what she had done/said I didn't have time to listen to a conversation on how I needed to move forward. She refused.
No contact. Until today. A year later. My 2 youngest children (twins) have their b-day coming up at the end of this month. Today I received 4 packages in the mail. 2 for each child. I'm sick. Literally sick to my stomach.
I had accepted the fact that I was no longer going to have a relationship with this woman. In all honesty, as awful as it sounds, she is/was dead to me. My story could go on, on, on but let's just suffice it to say that she threw me out of the house when I was just 13 years old (during one of emotional outbursts). Luckily my father was involved in my life and finished raising me til I was 18 at his house.
I refuse to let her drag my children into her warped mental state. Now, my children really don't even know/remember her. And awful as it sounds and as hard as it is to admit this: I have told them that my mother is dead. I cannot imagine dealing with this emotional crap of having her in my life again & again & again. It's hurtful to me, my family, and my marriage.
if you've read this far, sorry for my soap opera. Venting like this is alot easier for me. No one can see the tears or hurt!

 

[sfdavis918]

Amy, that is awful! I really feel for you. I think you are right though, to not include her in your life now. She quite obviously needs professional help, and until she can prove that she is taking advantage of that I think it's best to keep her out of your family's life.

Continue to be strong for your family!! I will include you in my prayers.

 

[DebbieJ]

Amy, donate those packages to some kids who need it and just let her be. Having in your life is more hurtful to having her out of it. Stand your ground. You have your family to worry about now.

 

[chefmeg]

Amy, I can hear your hurt through your words~my family has a situation in which my oldest brother is very verbally abusive. Many years ago, I decided that I could not have a relationship with him in order to protect my own emotional state. There is NO rule that says just because we are related to someone means we have to withstand abuse. You stand by your guns with your mom...send the gifts back or just throw them away. I know you will make the choice that works best for you & your family!

 

[wadesgirl]

Do what ever you feel best. I too have the same situation with my mother. I really haven't talked to or been with her in over 4 years. She is a very unstable person and I don't want her in my life right now. I have had to put up with her on occasion but I don't initiate any converstation and am very blunt and short when she asks me questions. I know it's hard, it does hurt that you should have someone in your life and they aren't because of their actions. It was a little emotional when I got married a couple years ago that most brides have their moms on their wedding day but I was surrounded by great family and friends that I didn't let it get to me.

Personally I would return the presents.

 

[janetupnorth]

Amy - You need to do what is best for YOUR family. You are responsible for them and making their lives right and good. As far as your mom...well, if things do change and she wants back in - YOU set the terms, YOU set what you can handle and I suggest it involves some counseling with BOTH of you. Otherwise, best to stay apart. I have an aunt and cousins who have a relationship that sounds very similar to this but they still talk...but my aunt sounds JUST like your mom on the phone/situation thing...all about her...her one daughter does the same thing and both do it to my other cousin. It's not worth the emotional wreckage it causes. Turn it over to God and pray for wise decisions.You didn't say in sending the packages if there was any other communication related to it...I would return the stuff to her or like Deb said, give it to someone who needs it.

 

[wadesgirl]

Amy -

You need to do what is best for YOUR family. You are responsible for them and making their lives right and good.

As far as your mom...well, if things do change and she wants back in - YOU set the terms, YOU set what you can handle and I suggest it involves some counseling with BOTH of you. Otherwise, best to stay apart. I have an aunt and cousins who have a relationship that sounds very similar to this but they still talk...but my aunt sounds JUST like your mom on the phone/situation thing...all about her...her one daughter does the same thing and both do it to my other cousin.

It's not worth the emotional wreckage it causes. Turn it over to God and pray for wise decisions.

You didn't say in sending the packages if there was any other communication related to it...

I would return the stuff to her or like Deb said, give it to someone who needs it.

I totally agree with this. I will let my mom back in my life if she can turn herself around but it will be on my terms and our relationship will not be as it once was. I know the feeling of dealing with a lifetime of craziness from someone who's supposed to care about you. People always talk about dead beat dads but they forget mothers can be dead beats also!

If you want to PM me you want to!

 

[janetupnorth]

I believe the Bible when it commands us to guard our heart. I think this applies to many situations.

 

[BethCooks4U]

Amy! {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

Put it behind you and keep her in your prayers. She needs all the prayers you can send her way. Live your life and be the sweet person you are! Call or email if you need to talk or vent!


I know what you are going through. My mother was very verbally abusive to me my whole life too and didn't even mention me in her will. (I was the one who went over 1300 miles from my home and left my husband and sons and my business when I had just promoted one month before to take care of her 24/7 for the last 2 months of her life while my brother who lived across the street visited her for 1/2 hour a day and sisters who lived 3 hours from her came up twice in that 2 months and worried to get home early on Sunday so they'd have "weekend left" and couldn't take a day off work to relieve me because they would need it after the funeral... just to mention a very little of the story.)

 

[ChefBeckyD]

I believe the Bible when it commands us to guard our heart. I think this applies to many situations.

This is true. I think you need to guard your heart, and I also think that you have a responsibility to protect your children. You know first hand how damaging your mom can be.

One thing though - you said that you have told your children that your mom is dead. That would be one thing that I would change. They need to know the truth for a couple reasons.

1. So that they know that you can be trusted to always tell them the truth

2. So that if they ever come in contact with your mom, they are equipped to deal with it. what if she were to show up at your house - or some other family event? And then your kids are confused, because they had been told she was dead.....

They need to know that they don't see Grandma, because she is hurtful, and your job is to protect them from people who may hurt them.

 

[IAmChefJ]

(((HUGS)))

It's hard, especially when you're a mother yourself, and dream of your kids having a doting grandmother. My husband comes from a similar type of situation... after 14 years of marriage, I've never met my Mother In Law. He decided long ago that she would not be allowed to continue her abusive tendancies, and he is MUCH better off without her in his life. And I'm grateful that he has protected us and our children from her.

Be strong!

 

[amy07]

Becky, you've brought up a good point about what I told my children. In honesty it was said so quickly one day that I never even thought about it again until I posted here. I'm not even sure if they remember I said it. They don't ask about her as she's never been an active participant in their lives. I will remedy that situation though. But, I guess it was easier to say than to explain the harsh reality.

 

[amy07]

and to them, "grandma" is my stepmother. so I don't even think they've even put much thought into that.

 

[ChefBeckyD]

After I posted, I thought I should have explained it better. I TOTALLY support the idea of keeping her from your children. My son has limited time with my dad for some of the same reasons. I would never let my son be alone with him - because he is young and impressionable, and I don't want my dad to have any influence in his life at all!

I just thought that if there was ever a chance that they would meet her, that it would be better for them to know that she does exist, and the reasons why you don't see her. Then they won't be blind-sided, and also asking questions about why they weren't told the truth.
I know that explaining the relationship to them will be difficult. I often wonder, and pray about, the words I will use to explain to my son about his "Papa", and why we don't go to his house. So far, I haven't had to, because he is still young, but the day will come - and I am just trusting God to give me the right words to say. I'll be praying that God will give you the right words too!

 

[wadesgirl]

Becky, you've brought up a good point about what I told my children. In honesty it was said so quickly one day that I never even thought about it again until I posted here. I'm not even sure if they remember I said it. They don't ask about her as she's never been an active participant in their lives. I will remedy that situation though. But, I guess it was easier to say than to explain the harsh reality.

At this point, I don't think you have to explain much to them. They will understand when they are older. My neices didn't even know their grandma (my mother) until they were 6 and 7 because she moved out of state for 5 years with very little contact when I was growing up. They don't always need to know details, a simple explaination if they ever ask is all that's needed.

 

[amy07]

oh, I put the gifts in my trunk until I can have a clearer mind as to what to do. I hate keeping them from my kids (not that they need more "things"), just the principle. I think me & God will be having some lengthy conversations in the next few days.

 

[janetupnorth]

You will have the words when it is time. One thing is to always tell them the truth that they exist and if you are training them right about how they treat others, it will be easy to say at the time that although they are a biological parent, you don't believe they treat people the way God would want them too and that you are guarding your child's heart and mind and protecting them.My daughter knows full well that she cannot walk from the bus to the sitter's house by herself for many years, that she cannot date for many years and other things.For the first, I teach her that there are nice people out there and mean people out there who do not follow what God wants. As her parent, it is my job to protect her from danger just like I protect her from cars in a parking lot. She is 7 and gets this pretty well. She can verbalize that I protect her from certain movies until I know she can handle them, certain physical situations and from certain people.Tell the truth and stay consistent and they will understand. You don't have to give all the horrid details to have them understand what they need to know today.

 

[janetupnorth]

Oh, and let me add that I teach my children to pray for the people that we avoid for various reasons. So although you separate them from her, teach them to pray for her.Same with you Becky when the time comes. A child's example may be what your dad needs someday. I know my dad learned A LOT from his grandkids before he died. ...and we were able to focus on the good of his life and good memories and witness when the time came. It was probably the best blessing and honor I could give my father despite his mistakes. We actually had a sermon recently about honoring our parents and how when can still do that even when they screwed up...

 

[Chef Michelle D]

I can understand not wanting her mom in your life. But I do agree they need to know that she is alive but that you and her just do get along and some day you hope that will change and she can be a part of your lifes.

I have 3 siblings that I don't talk to and don't plan on it any time soon. My son knows that I have db's & a ds that I don't talk to that they are not part of our life and he is okay with it. He has never meet them so it's a little easier on him. I am sorry you are going through this it's hard when you go about your every day life and then you get hit with this. You start thinking of everything and it brings up a lot of bad feelings. But just try and move past it and just enjoy your childrens birthday and donate the gifts from your mom to other children that can enjoy them.