What would you do in this situation?

[MaddyandOwensMom]

I just wanted to get some unbiased opinions on a situation I am faced with right now. The short story is on Friday night, my friend of three years, called me obviously impaired in some way. I suspect she may have mixed her blood pressure medication with alcohol. We had a 2 1/2 hour plus conversation that was just plain odd and she just said a lot of things that just didn't make sense.

The back story to this is that she is under a lot of stress right now. Her husband is an alcoholic and at the very least is verbally abusive. They have twins who are five and a girl who is four. They almost divorced last year. She has a history of not really handling her children well and it caused many Moms in our circle to turn away. CPS was called two years ago because her kids left the house and she never even realized it (They were three and two at the time). I was one of three moms who stuck by her and we have developed a nice friendship as have our kids.

The problem I am now facing is that I have learned since Friday that this is not an isolated incident. From what I have learned, she has been impaired like this at least three times in the last 5-6 weeks. She has told me that she "forgot" one night who she had called. A mutual friend told me that she called at 10:30 PM and was impaired at that time.

My concern right now is for the kids. There is a very real chance that on any given night both she and her husband are impaired. My DH and Mom do not want me to get involved because the husband has violent tendancies. I keep thinking something could happen to the kids. I have thought about CPS, but because of the prior call, I worry about how much havoc that would cause. They may also know it is me which does scare me a bit because of the husband. I have thought about going to the kids' school. I have also thought about calling or e-mailing and saying, "Are you OK? You didn't sound right the other night."

Any thoughts would be appreciated!
Jessica

 

[chefann]

Oh, I'm so sorry that you are involved in such a terrible situation!

Could you call your friend a couple of times in the next couple weeks to check on her state? If you discover her impared more than once, then I would suggest calling CPS, even anonymously. The safety of those children needs to be assured, and they're the best equipped to do that.

 

[janetupnorth]

Jessica - you cannot bear this alone and for everyone's safety involved shouldn't. I know you will feel like you are breaking your friend's trust, but you need to call the authorities right away and report this and she does need to be checked in on. Medically speaking, if she mixed BP meds with alcohol, you don't know how quickly that can cause heart trouble, an overdose or death. Push aside any feeling of breaking her confidence and get some help for her!I don't know how close you are to her and if you can talk her into getting help for herself. That would be good, but if you are concerned for your safety, call without them knowing.You cannot worry about "havoc" when multiple lives are at stake.

 

[cmdtrgd]

CPS IS THERE TO HELP THE KIDS!!! If they could be in trouble, that is what they are there for. I would immediately call CPS and let them know what you know. Ask to remain anonymous. Also, if she calls you in that state again, ask her to hold and call CPS from another phone and tell them what is going on. Get back on the phone with her until they get there.

 

[MaddyandOwensMom]

I keep thinking that I should call. I'm just have concerns for my own family's safety. I think they own a gun and I know that her husband has been violent with a woman before even though my friend claims it was just someone trying to cause trouble (she tends to think many their problems are someone else's fault). I really have to think about my own kids safety as well. I may call and just ask questions. I have done that in the past with my SIL who was taking something while having a young child in the house. CPS told me there was nothing they could do if she was not willing to take a drug test and they would not even go check on her. I called another time about the same SIL and I got a call back saying that I was lying about who I was and that she had done nothing wrong (she left a two year old alone in the house and had a neighbor listening in on the monitor. CPS said therefore he was not "alone"). To boot, they also told her it was a friend or family member who had called. Concerning my friend, I think there are just so many people who she was drunk on the phone with so anonymous or not, they may figure it out.

It's not to say I won't call, I just have some hesitations. It's why I wanted to put it in the hands of the school and say you have children who are living in an unsafe situation.

Thanks for all your help and I'll keep you posted!
Jessica

 

[vwpamperedchef]

I agree that you have to think of your family here as well and your safety.

I think going to the school would be a good first course of action. Because if they call CPS then you will probably remain anonymous. (hopefully!).

Its the kids who are the ones suffering. Have they (the kids) said anything alarming to your children, that perhaps you should know? I would ask them (your kids) to tell you what so and so say. Because they may be able to tell you more bluntly.

I hope and pray it works out and that you are guided in the right direction.

 

[katie0128]

You are right... you need to keep your safety and that of your family in mind. HOWEVER, all the reasons you are worried for your own family (gun, temper, etc.) are all the reasons that you need to call CPS for those children. They are babies and can not fend for themselves. I know the CPS in Cincinnati allows people to remain annonymous unless you are calling from a hospital, school, etc. They may tell your friend that a "friend or relative" called, but that really could be anyone. And don't worry about how much "havoc" it would cause to call CPS. Any resulting havoc is the direct fault of the adults in the house, not yours. If they were behaving like responsible parents, you wouldn't have to be thinking about calling CPS in the first place.

 

[chefann]

If they were behaving like responsible parents, you wouldn't have to be thinking about calling CPS in the first place.

Amen, sister!

 

[cookinmama]

What if something did happen to the kids and then you would feel really bad that you didn't call when you could have. You can call annonymously.

 

[Kitchen Diva]

My little sister was in the same situation...she sided with the protection and safety of her neighbor's 5 children- Susie, my sister would go over there in the dead of winter, and the heat would be off, and the kids had been left alone for days with only one box of hamburger helper and a pound of hamburger. Dog poop was everywhere, and no food for the dogs...

Anywho...she called CPS so many times- where she lives in SD there has to be so many offenses I guess before they'll actually take the kids away, and after about 1 year of those 5 kids suffering, they were able to take them and put them in homes- I guess their mom abandoned them and that is what it took for the police and CPS to be able to get those kids into homes.

It is very heartbreaking.

On a side note, my dad died right before my second birthday, and my mom was pregnant with my sister at the time. Fast forward to when I was 10, my mom had her fiance over to call it off- there were some concerns, and she felt it best to break up with him. He got violent, and beat my mom and my sister and me all to within an inch of our lives. We lived in a side by side ranch home/double-bungelow. There were two of those homes on our large lot, with 4 homes total- so we had 3 sets of neighbors. The 3 neighbors heard the screams for help, but not one person called the cops. He was there for 17 hours beating on us. He finally stopped right before I lunged at him with a knife to protect my mom and sister. I had a broken arm with a fiber glass cast on it, and beat his knees and legs so much with that hard cast that I'm pretty sure I did major damage to his knee caps.

The reason for sharing that is even though those children aren't audibly screaming for help, they need help... and because a violent 6 foot 3 inch man was beating on my mother, my sister and myself, no one stepped in to help us, because they were concerned for their safety...which is what they told the cops after the fact... I almost murdered someone at the age of 10 because our next door neighbors were more worried about our safety than that of a single mother and her kids. The listened to us get beat for 17 hours! It started at 7:00 pm and went until just before 1 pm the next afternoon.

I'm all for being safe, but this one cuts really close to home. I almost became an orphan that day... I wished just one of those neighbors would have called the cops. 17 hours of having the crap beat out of you and watching your mom flop around like a rag doll, is just too much to bear!

I'm so sorry for getting so personal and so serious, I guess my point is this...please help those kids!

 

[Chef Kearns]

Wow! Kitchen Diva-I am so glad you are here now with us to share your story. What a blessing! You are saving someone's life with your testimony!

Jessica-Do you know any of your friends' family? That family need intervention. I have friends that work for CPS here in SA and based on what they say about the agency and how their hands are tied I would try to find family first. If you don't know any family that can step in and take the kids THEN I would involve CPS. I hope they can find some help before things get too bad.

 

[baychef]

I work in a school system and I live in NY State. If you fear for your family's safety, call the school immediately and remain anonymous. The school has to, by NY state law, at least check into it. The school most likely already knows but need people such as yourself to help them to help the children.

I doubt if they will ask your name, but if they do, tell them that you fear for your own family's safety. Please help these children as soon as possible.

Several years ago, my brother was a Social Service worker for a county. To say the system is frustrating is an understatement. The main goal is to help the parents and keep the family together. My brother eventually had to resign his position because of frustration of not being able to help kids like he wanted to.

Teachers see this much more than I do and it breaks my heart along with theirs. You almost don't want the kids to go home at night. Why some people are parents, baffles me...but the ones that keep having more children after proving they can't take care of the children they have...frustrates (not the word I want to use!!) me to no end.

We all understand that your first fear is for your own family. I am sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds like your friend is calling out for help herself by calling several people when she is in this state of mind. You are an angel for sticking by her.

KitchenDiva, I am so sorry that you had to experience what you did. I have tears rolling down my face. Your point reinforces what we are all encouraging MattyandOwensmom to do. The voice of experience speaks the loudest. Thank God you did what you did and are a survivor. Hopefully your story will help save these children.

 

[janetupnorth]

Kitchen Diva - 17 HOURS!!! - Yikes!One more reason I am on the side of calling. Not only for the kids but as a medical person, I KNOW you may be saving the life of the mom as well. She might not see it right now but years down the road she may appreciate that someone stepped in before she hurt herself or the kids. Like I said, you don't know how many pills she popped, how much alcohol is in the system and what the next step, physically, mentally or metabolically will happen. She may not survive the next combination of drugs and alcohol and then what? Those kids do not need to see mom unconscious or dead.I pray that you will have peace about what course to take and the courage to do so and that you and your family will stay safe.

 

[cmdtrgd]

Heck, if you don't want to call CPS, call the police when she calls you like that! They must go out there to investigate. Call Crimestoppers where you will be anonymous. Call the dispatch TODAY and ask what to do in a situation like you were in so you know how to help them while protecting your family at the same time.

 

[janetupnorth]

Heck, if you don't want to call CPS, call the police when she calls you like that! They must go out there to investigate.

EXACTLY! I'd call 9-1-1 and get EMS/Police rolling rather than CPS.

 

[vwpamperedchef]

Good luck with your decision.

The kids are relying on a responsible adult to do something. God put this in your hands for a reason....

Prayers & thoughts are with you! Please keep us posted.

 

[pamperedbecky]

Wow, what a tough situation. For you too! I would anonymously make the call. I would also maybe notify the school social worker. They are mandated reporters and would be required by law to notify child protective services. I spent many years working in foster care, then in a psych hospital, and I made many calls to DCFS here. Sometimes the calls aren't "taken" which means they make a record of it, but don't initiate an investigation. You can be anonymous.

I also like the idea (was it Ann's??) of calling every so often to see how she's doing, how she sounds, etc. But an anonymous call would be a good idea too. Or just call the abuse/neglect hotline and ask how one goes about making an anonymous call if they're concerned. Just imagine if something happened to the kids and you didn't call. Then if you're concerned about your safety, notify the police of that too.

I can imagine this is so difficult!! Keep us posted!

 

[MaddyandOwensMom]

Hi Everyone,
I appreciate everyone's suggestions! This is what I have decided to do. Yesterday, I contacted three of our friends and expressed my concern about the kids safety in particular. We had all been in contact with her in the last few days. We decided that we would all like to meet with her and offer our support and help and try to get her to realize that she needs to be stable right now. I also recieved an e-mail from her directly saying that she had been drinking when she called me, which I will hang onto. I e-mailed back several points: I am concerned for her health if she did indeed mix drink with meds; that she has done this more than once; that she needs to take care of herself; most importantly she can not take care of her kids in that state. I said that in an emergency, she would not be able to drive them to the hospital and if she called an ambulance or police, they would look to her condition as suspect. I pretty much put everything on her and left the husband out of it. I also told her that she can be strong and that all this stress will pass.

If talking to her does not help (she doesn't often "hear" what people say to her regarding things like this), I will probably go to her daughter's teacher who I know fairly well. They are definately kids who will have behavior and learning setbacks instead of articulating that things are wrong at home. As a former full time elementary teacher (I sub now) I would definately take any concerns another parent had seriously. I would feel terribly if those kids were at the very least sick some night and didn't have a parent who could care for them let alone have something tragic happen.

I'll keep you posted!
Jessica